A Sure Miss

As  you probably know, George W. Bush’s  memoir, Decision Points, is due out in November 2010. Gawker is having fun with alternate cover photos as you can see with this one example(though some are not funny). Thanks to Grace at Scriptoids for pointing out this and more.

You Know You Shouldn't Laugh

Susie Madrak over at Suburban Guerrilla has a list of Little Golden Books that didn't make it. I am shamelessly copying some of it because it is hilarious. Some of it is not 'PC" but still funny. Thanks Susie for a good laugh. I picked a few of my favorites but the whole list is a must read.

Little Golden Books that didn’t make it….
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

The Devil is in the Candy

It is raining again, not a continuous downpour but constant drizzle with occasional downpours so between the steps of baking the weekly sourdough I am cruising around the net. Steve Benen has an interesting bit today in his weekly "This Week in God" post.

In a truly bizarre piece, CBN published fears from Kimberly Daniels about Halloween, which, I assure you, was not a parody.

During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure ... During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

The CBN piece, which was eventually removed from the site out of embarrassment, went on to say, "While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as 'just harmless fun,' the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls. Witches take pride in laughing at the ignorance of natural men (those who ignore the spirit realm).... The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes." These "scary things" include, according to the article, "orgies between animals and humans," "animal and human sacrifices," and "sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood."

I guess the main question we have to answer is whether the demons inhabit every piece of candy or whether they have 'favorites'. If I was a demon I am pretty sure I would lean toward certain candies over others. I would have to say I would go for Almond Joy or Mounds over lets say a Milkyway or a Twix bar over a PayDay. I'm pretty fond of Nestle's Crunch, however. Then again, some of the older treats are nice too, like MaryJane and Bit o' Honey. It would be a tough choice. Are there enough demons to inhabit every piece or is some just missed for lack of participation? If there are more demons than candy are there candy possession fights? As to the witches praying and dedicating over all the candy...does Hershey's and M&M Mars have witches on staff or do they just bring them in for the Halloween season?

Definitely some questions around the whole demonic candy possession scenario.

If you were a demon and had to possess some candy which would it be?

Shiver Me Timbers!

Don't forget it is 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' matey! The FSM expects everyone to climb the mizzen and do his or her part.

Oh! And it is still raining quite hard here and the forecast is for rain the next 7 days.

Avast! Man the pumps you swabs or we'll be sleeping with Davy Jones!

It Hurts

Jim Yeager has a YouTube posted at Skippy's place that makes me want to cry. Seriously.

"It was a dark and stormy night."

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

That's the Grand Prize winner of the 2009 Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest.

The winner is David McKenzie, a 55-year-old Quality Systems consultant and writer from Federal Way, Washington. A contest recidivist, he has formerly won the Western and Children's Literature categories.

David McKenzie is the 27th grand prize winner of the contest that began at San Jose State University in 1982.

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Taco Hell Goes Green

Taco Hell for sure! Leave it to The Onion to hit the nail on the head about the current trend in 'greenwashing' everything. Take a look at the most satisfying send-up of fast-food greenwashing your ever likely to see.

H/T Ethicurean

25 Things About Willy

We've have all seen the meme around the web "25 things about me" well here is one about the Bard that is very funny.

h/t Susie

Damn Woodchucks!

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — The world's most famous groundhog saw his shadow Monday morning, predicting that this already long winter will last for six more weeks.

Evidently this was in front of some 13,000 witnesses. No report yet on the local groundhog General Beauregard.

Strictly Speaking

I was cleaning out some books and came across a book by Edwin Newman, Strictly Speaking. Edwin was an inveterate punster and there was one chapter in the book where he let it all go. I still remember some of the puns to this day and I think I first read the book sometime in 1975 or so. It was fun reading it again and I thought I might share some of it with you (especially Steve Bates at YDD who has been known to pun a bit himself!). Here goes:

"Where have you been?" she asked.
Out walking the dog," he said. "Looking for the old familiar feces."
"Your shoes are wet," she observed.
"Naturally," he said. "Nobody knows the puddles I've seen. That is why I am standing on these newspapers. These are the Times that dry men's soles." He took off his jacket and tossed it aside. "this," he said, "is so sodden."
"I'll never forget the time they brought you in frozen stiff," she said. "I was afraid you would never come out of it."
He shrugged, "I thawed, therefore I am."
"I believe that dog has distemper or worms or something," she said.
"Maybe so," he replied, "but his bark is worse than his blight. By the way, I'm thinking of giving him to the Longshoremen's Union as a mascot."
"What kind of dog do they want?"
"A dockshund."
"I'm lonely," she said, and pointed to a button she was wearing that bore the words "Kiss me I'm Irish."
"I'm hungry," he said. "Quiche me. I'm French."
She gave him instead a pastry consisting of thin layers of puff pastry interlaid with a cream filling. He cut off a corner and ate it.
"Very good," he said. "Also the first square millefeuille I've had all day."
"Your French is getting better," she said. " I can remember when you thought the French for throw out the trash was cul-de-sac."
"O solecism mio," he said. "And I remember when you though a porte-cochere was the entrance to a Jewish restaurant."
There was a moments pause. Then:
"I had an apprentice French hairdresser once," she said.
"What did he have to say for himself?"
"Je ne sais coif."
"Having a man around the house does make a vas deferens," she continued.
"And having a woman, too," he said gallantly. "You're a wonderful housekeeper. You keep everything polished."
"Maybe so," she said, "but I wish I could chamois like my sister Kate. I meant to ask you, did you watch the space shot at the office?"
"No," he replied. "To me the space program is mere schirrade. I decided to go to a movie instead, the one in which Montgomery Clift plays the founder of psychoanalysis."
"What was his name again?"
"Pretty Boy Freud."
"I notice that in the early days of photography he had his picture taken with his coat on an looking furtive. Any idea why?"
"He must have been a cloak and daguerrotype."
"Se changed the subject. "I am glad we are out of Viet Nam."
"So am I. It was time to let Saigon be Saigon's."
"What do you make of the situation between the Russians and Chinese?" she asked.
"Dogma eat dogma."
"You said a Moathful."

That's enough. There is a lot more but you can get the flavor. You can sometimes find two of Edwin's books together in one paperback. Both "Strictly Speaking" and "A Civil Tongue" and both are interesting tomes on the use of language.
BTW the section above came from the chapter "The Vicious Cycle of Reality"

One more thing for you to ponder. What do you call a Chinese meal in Alaska?

Lo Mein on a totem pole! Pah dum pump!

Christmas Questions?

Why Santa? Why St Nicholas? Why December 25th? Why Christmas cards? If you have ever wondered why we do what we do in the Western world on this winter solstice holiday, most of the answers are here. Why do we have all those traditions that we embrace over Christmas?

Tonight you will put up the stockings, Santa Claus will arrive on his sleigh drawn by reindeer to slide down your chimney in his trademark red suit with a sack over his shoulder, and tomorrow you will open presents under your decorated Christmas tree, eat turkey and mince pies, and promise yourself that next year you won't leave it until the last weekend to write your Christmas cards, because it is Christmas, and it is traditional. But do you know how old these "traditions" actually are? Some are ancient, some are newer than you think.

So should I believe in Father Christmas?

Yes...

* If he doesn't exist, why did parents riot when a pilot recently refuse to fly them to Lapland?

* What about the letter to S. Claus from Inland Revenue, querying his claim for travelling expenses?

* There are 300,000 living organisms yet to be classified – couldn't one be a reindeer that can fly?

No...

* Santa would need to visit 896 homes a second to fill all the stockings

* Only Kathy Staff, the actress who played Nora Batty, really knew how to fill a stocking, and she has just died

* When Chico Marx was told to sign a clause that would prove he was sane, he rightly said: "You don't fool me: there is no Sanity Clause"

I'm Rich!

I've gotten this email 3 times today so it must be true. I don't remember Harry very well but I must have made a big impression on him. It would have been a little better if they had gotten the address of Monomark House correct, it is actually at 27 Old Gloucester St. and it also happens to be the address of any number of odd organizations mostly related to psychics and the such.

DYNAMIC LAW CHAMBERS, MONOMARK
HOUSE, 25 OLD GLOUCESTER STREET.
LONDON WC1N 3XX.

Dear

We act as solicitors and our services have been retained by Henry Toppin now late here in after referred to as our client. On behalf of late Henry Toppin , I write to notify you that my late client made you a beneficiary to the bequest sum of One Million, Seven Hundred Thousand British Pounds in the codicil to his will and last testament. Henry died on 8th day February 2004 after a brief illness at the age of 65. Until his death he was consultant to several oil and gas industries. He had a sojourn in the United States and so many other countries before he came to Cairn Energy PLC, United Kingdom. He was a knight in the Church and belonged to several non-governmental and scientific organizations. He was also great philanthropist and Fellow of the Rotary Club International. This bequest is to support your activities, humanitarian services and help to the less-privileged. In accordance with our inheritance laws you are required to forward the following details of yours; identification, full names, address, occupation, age, phone and fax numbers for verification and re-confirmation. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter immediately.


Yours faithfully,
Raymond Greenfield Esq.

Bets on the Bail?

Now that McBush has blinked and will debate tonight I think it might be fun to speculate on the excuse or excuses the McSame team uses to get Sarah Palin out of the debate with Biden next week.

I'm sure it won't be anything so predictable as a family emergency

How about Russian troops spotted in the Aleutians and the only person that can save us is Sarah and her moose gun?

How about she doesn't want to embarrass Biden so she is not going to show and trounce him?

She is going to round up mothers from all across the country to bake cookies for the world's largest bake sale and will use the proceeds to bail out Wall Street.

Rumor has it that the McSame team has held a mock debate and a news conference and that both were absolute disasters which you can well believe after seeing her CBS interview.

If you have any good ideas for a possible excuse for Sarah "Lookout "Bull Winkle" Palin to dodge the debate leave them in the comments.

Who Knew He was a Techno Wizard

This is going from ridiculous to just plain stupid.. Who knew that the high tech wizard John McCain actually invented the BlackBerry. Here I am using it everyday and all this time I thought Research In Motion, a Canadian company, invented the thing. Boy am I embarrassed.

Asked what work John McCain did as Chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee that helped him understand the financial markets, the candidate's top economic adviser wielded visual evidence: his BlackBerry.

"He did this," Douglas Holtz-Eakin told reporters this morning, holding up his BlackBerry. "Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce committee so you're looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that's what he did."

The McSame people are seriously unhinged.

UPDATE: via AmericaBlog--Now it seems that McCain has claimed to have invented cell phones and WiFi as well.
Here are the words straight from his lying mouth.:

I am the former chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation. The Committee plays a major role in the development of technology policy, specifically any legislation affecting communications services, the Internet, cable television and other technologies. Under my guiding hand, Congress developed a wireless spectrum policy that spurred the rapid rise of mobile phones and Wi-Fi technology that enables Americans to surf the web while sitting at a coffee shop, airport lounge, or public park.

Special Request

I am relaying a special request from the Department of Homeland Security.

To all Terrorists and Potential Terrorists;

Due to recent problems with our Terrorists database which surely had your name in it, probably. We are pleased to announce that one of our highly paid consultants has managed to get a copy of MS Access running on our system. We are asking each of you to please re-register at your earliest convenience.

Thank you,
Your DHS Data Team.

Just a Little Humorous

I am working in the Purchasing Department here at the client and a typical example of some small functionary making a decision that is, on its surface, not that important but actually has a huge impact.
About 2pm I heard "a discouraging word" from one of the buyers standing at the copier. These people are heavy copier users. It seems that someone, and no one is sure who, had all the copiers set to prevent more than a certain number of copies per day. No one was told. The message on the machine says "Daily Copy Limit Exceeded" and just quits. I could not help but laugh. What makes it even funnier is that this copier is also a scanner and fax machine and those functions are suspended as well. No faxing of Purchase Orders, no scanning of PO's to email, nothing. The whole department shuts down for the rest of the day.

A Hippy-Dippy Good-Bye

Updated below:

What a way to start off a Monday morning! Just logged on after my trip from Atlanta to Asheville and check CNN and what do I see but George Carlin has passed away. George Carlin has been a part of my life since I can remember and was one of the funniest and astute comedians and social commentators ever. Truly a modern day Mark Twain if there ever will be one. Our lives will be a lot less without his take on the absurdity of life in this crazy world. There have been many a times that I turned in some way to his wit and observations to make sense of the insanity and weirdness around me. Unless you have read some of his books, which you should, then you will have missed some of the greatest belly laughs ever. His most recent book that I remember was "Brain Droppings" that I picked up in an airport somewhere and I got some strange looks on a flight back to Atlanta when I would just burst out laughing. Thank Goddess so much of his work has been captured on DVD.

Keep on laughing at us and making fun of us George and I am sure the Goddess has a special job for you all ready. If very strange and funny things start happening in the world then you will know he is in place at his new job.

So long my friend.

Photo credit AP via CNN

Update: HBO is going to dig into their archives and bless us with an overdose of George Carlin:
HBO will replay the specials at various times beginning on Wednesday.

On HBO, the main channel, Mr. Carlin’s most recent special, “It’s Bad For Ya,” will be shown Friday, June 27 at 9 p.m. The special will also be available on HBO On Demand beginning this weekend.

On HBO2, eleven of Mr. Carlin’s specials will be shown over two nights, from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Wednesday, June 25 and at the same times on Thursday, June 26.

On HBO Comedy, a twelve-hour block of Mr. Carlin’s specials will be shown beginning at 4 p.m. on Saturday, June 28.

Real Ingredients?

I went to Wendy's for lunch today (chili and a side salad) and there were these little tent cards on every table pushing their new shakes...

Try our new Frosty_tm Shakes. Available in Strawberry, Chocolate Fudge, and Vanilla Bean! Hand Spun and made from real ingredients.

Maybe they need to rethink that a bit.

Head Explosion Warning

Some of you old hippies might remember the Discordians from the late '60's and '70's. While I, at the time was a POEE POPE, I drifted away from the "True Religion" but that is another story for another day. One of the most significant efforts in those heady days was "Operation Mindfuck" and while I haven't been really paying attention I had wrongly assumed that the Discordians effectively shut down operations while Shrub was in charge since there wasn't any greater opportunity to "mindfuck" the world that just having Shrub in charge of the most powerful nation on earth. Then again, getting Shrub into the White House might have been their 'piece de resistance' and theres no possibly of doing anything better. While Shrub has not disappointed it is now obvious that in light of Shrub's near departure the Discordians have re-energized their core program "Operation Mindfuck".
This post from Steve Audio by the Sailor is concrete proof:

Investigators find gaps in port security program

A Department of Homeland Security program to strengthen port security has gaps that terrorists could exploit to smuggle weapons of mass destruction in cargo containers, congressional investigators have found.

And in related news:

Gamblers' shuttle gets terrorism funds

Colorado Springs-based Ramblin Express, which shuttles gamblers to mountain-town casinos, including Cripple Creek, has received $382,000 in anti-terrorism grants.

The most recent grant, for $184,415, was announced this month as part of the Department of Homeland Security's $844 million Infrastructure Protection Activities program.

Hail Eris, All Hail Discordia!

All My Ants Live in Texas

I'm waiting for confirmation from Steve Bates of YDD and based in Houston, before I panic.

DALLAS — In what sounds like a really low-budget horror film, voracious swarming ants that apparently arrived in Texas aboard a cargo ship are invading homes and yards across the Houston area, shorting out electrical boxes and messing up computers.

The hairy, reddish-brown creatures are known as "crazy rasberry ants" _ crazy, because they wander erratically instead of marching in regimented lines, and "rasberry" after Tom Rasberry, an exterminator who did battle against them early on.

Talk about a mixed blessing... these things reportedly attack and destroy the Texas state insect...the fire ant. There is also the question of how tasty they are run through a hot wok with a little garlic, and Tobasco.