Another one bites the dust

Rick Perry dropped out of the Republican race so he could spend more time with his homophobia.

Mittens is feeling mucho pressure to release his tax returns. He's reluctant to do it because he knows Democrats will make his vast wealth a huge issue in the general election, as well they should.

Newt is pissed off he's getting questions about his marriages and his infidelities. Poor baby, he made Clinton's infidelities an issue, so his should be fair game as well.

Ron Paul is claiming that the Federal Reserve...oh wait, I don't give a shit what the racist homophobe says. He's never going to be the Republican nominee and with a little luck, he and all his followers will travel to the libertarian paradise known as Somalia where there is no government and plenty of personal liberty.

Obama is licking his chops at the thought of any of these ass clowns running against him.

Today in unnecessary apostrophes

This photo was taken at my local wash-a-rama.

Hey, hey, Paula

The backlash against the critics of Paula Deen has begun.

Sure, she's diabetic and she withheld that fact from her public until she had a deal with a big pharmaceutical company. Now she says she going to cook healthy food by golly! I wonder if she hadn't got a deal with an insulin maker, would she still cook the same artery clogging saturated fat filled sugar cooked dreck she built her culinary career on?

Of course some of the defenders of Ms. Deen claim that people who are criticizing her are doing so because she's a woman and because she's fat. So that of course means that the men who criticize her for adding to the obesity and diabetes epidemics are doing so because they hate women in general and fat women in particular. Well, sorry haters, that's not true. I could care less if Paula was skinny or a dude, she made shitty fat filled food that will kill you if you eat it all the time. I'd say the same thing about a man if he had built his career on this kind of shit.

The last group of her defenders is the one I love to hate the most, those who claim that Deen with her cuisine of early death did nothing wrong and that no one forced people to make and eat the crap she made. Follow along here if you can, Deen went on TV and cooked fatty bad for you food for years. She sold cookbooks with her recipes, there was a magazine devoted to her and her cooking. She endorsed everything from factory farmed ham to gravy mixes, to whatever else she could make a buck off of. She plastered her name on cookware, on anything she could, and she made it known that she was the comfort food chef of renown. So given all that, did she really think people wouldn't follow her fat laden example and buy and eat the shit she relentlessly shilled? She now claims she's an entertainer, not the food police and it's not her fault if you watched her show and followed her advice. She's blameless if you bought her magazine and cookbooks and you had a heart attack from eating a bacon grease flavored cake with butter cream icing. I may be wrong, but in any of her shows, or cookbooks, or her restaurants, are there signs or disclaimers telling people not to eat her food or to eat it sparingly? No.

The fact is Deen encouraged people to eat shitty fat filled food and she charmed millions of idiots and they followed her advice. They bought into her spiel and now she wants you to believe it's not her fault that people get fat and have grave health problems from eating a diet that she has pushed on them since day one. The tobacco companies said it wasn't their fault that people got lung cancer from smoking cigarettes, they said no one forced people to smoke. Handgun makers tell you it's not their fault people get shot and killed by people who use handguns, no one forced them to use a handgun. If I go on TV for years, write books, and have a magazine that tells you to beat up and murder Estonians and Latvians, then I shouldn't be surprised when Latvians and Estonians end up beaten and murdered. But Paula Deen's logic says that I'm blameless because I didn't do any of the beatings or murders. Bullshit.

The fact is Deen wants it both ways. She wants to be famous for her gawd awful food that will induce heart disease, strokes, and send you on the path to diabetes, and she wants no blame for those who get a heart attack, a stroke, or get diabetes after eating her food for years and years. If she didn't have a guilty conscience then she wouldn't be doing a one eighty and taking up healthy cooking. The fact is she's a whore for corporate cash. She wants the fame, the adulation, and as much cash as her grubby little hands and her big bank accounts can hold.

Defend her if you like but don't insult me by doing it on my Facebook wall or in the comments section here. Rebut me all you like, just do it on your blog or your Facebook wall.

Who said it?

"I'll beat a man within an inch of his life if he calls me a Midwestern potentate masturbater."

"I got drunk and fucked a tree stump, so what?"

"Communists make the tastiest snacks. And I know that because I roasted one and made tapas out of him."

"I'd go to church more often if I sobered up in time. And if I wasn't a stone cold atheist."

"Sex tours to Thailand ate up all the profit I made last year, but boy was it fun."

"Middlesboro, KY isn't hell on earth, but it's close."

"My beard is made from the shaved pubes of homeless men that I murdered."

"Someone tell me again what I'm famous for and this time make it something interesting like brain surgeon or trapeze artist."

"If a negro can fart the melody to The Star Spangled Banner, I'll pay him a million dollars and I'll eat my straw boater."

"If you were a stock on the stock exchange, I'd buy you and hold you."

"I'm not interested in openings where I can't stick my penis."

"I want to be known as the father of orgasmic gardening."

A double movie report

I saw Videodrome back in 1983 when it first came out. I was pretty stoned when I saw it but I remember thinking that it was mindblowingly cool and Debbie Harry was even sexier than I had ever imagined in my feverish imagination. I saw it again the other day when the cold winter winds howled and it's still one of the most mindbendingly cool films ever. And Ms. Harry is still insanely sexy.

James Woods plays a skeevy TV executive who works for a tiny yet provocative TV station that broadcasts everything, as one character in the film says, "...from soft core porn to hard core violence." By chance he sees a snippet of a broadcast of a show called 'Videodrome' and his life is changed forever. Reality and hallucination begin to mix in his mind, and ours as well, until we don't know what's real in the film and what he is hallucinating. It's all very twisty and turny and I'm not sure what we're supposed to believe by the end of it all. Was the whole story a product of his imagination? Was none of it real? Was some of it? Either way, it's all very interesting, gory, and sexy at times.

Even though some of the film is really dated now, VCR's and video cassettes are featured prominently throughout, it holds up really well. This is highly recommended.


Green Grow the Rushes is exactly the kind of gentle comedy that made the British film industry a giant of the 1950's and '60's. And it's precisely the kind of gentle character study that would never ever get made today, especially if that asshole the Prime Minister of Britain gets his way.

This sweet little film tells the story of a small British coastal community that was given a special dispensation by King Henry the Third to elect their own magistrates, enforce their own laws, and to levy their own taxes, basically they're an autonomous province in all but name only. So for hundreds of years this corner of Britain got to do things their own way and as a result some of the residents have taken to smuggling and other slightly dodgy ways to make money. The powers that be can't let well enough alone and they investigate the little marsh community in order to bring it in line with the rest of modern post WW2 Britain and inevitably they clash with the locals and hilarity ensues. It's all very low key and very British, which means there's more than a touch of class consciousness and the like. It's all very effective and endearingly fun as well.

Richard Burton is impossibly handsome in this film and Honor Blackman, best known in the USA for her role as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger, is super sexy in an innocent way in the movie as well. But the real comic performance that rocks this film is that of Roger Livesey as Capt. Biddle. His timing is impeccable and his dry as dust slightly crooked sea captain performance is a thing of beauty.

I highly recommend this beautifully shot black and white beauty.

Huntsman out

The least psychotic Republican candidate is dropping out out of the presidential race today.

But saying he's the least psychotic is like saying that being murdered by poison is better than getting murdered by being shot because it's less painful.

The king is dead, long live the king

More brilliant mid century graphic design. This one looks like something I might come up with.

More hypocrisy, Republican style

A Congressman, who went to college courtesy of benefits he got from big government, voted to cut Pell grants to low income students. When confronted over it, he told the young woman to shut up her complaints and go join the military.

I guess that's a step up from telling her to fuck off.

Positive art card message of the week

5.5" x 7.5" mixed media art card on cardstock. Minimum donation $15, shipping and handling included.

Brunette of the week

Claudia Bassols.

You know what the internet needs?

More pictures of British comedienne Melanie Hudson.

You're welcome.

Something to believe in

Some people who believe in one of the Bronze age religions love to claim that if you're an atheist then you believe in nothing. And that's untrue. I can't speak for, and would never presume to speak for, any other atheist but I believe in many things and here's some of them:

• I believe religion is a racket designed to enrich a few people, witness the untold wealth of the Vatican and the Protestant mega churches. The gospels speak against amassing great wealth yet modern Christian ministers have twisted and parsed scripture to allow themselves to become wealthy and to assuage the consciences of wealthy people.
• I believe all religions are a way for the few to control the many.
  
• I believe in science and the scientific method. Science doesn't claim to have all the answers but we know for a fact that what science discovers is true because of the scientific method.
• Even though we've been awful to one another and we will stab each other in the back if it suits us, I believe in the essential goodness of people. There are some bad apples among us, both religious and non religious, but by and large people do the right thing or want to do it and are kept from it by corporations, religions, or governments.
• I believe in doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because I fear the wrath or judgement of a deity if I don't.
• I believe that when we die our energy goes into other things, so that means I believe in reincarnation of a sort.
• I believe in speaking out against hypocrisy.
• I'm not perfect and I know that others aren't either. I don't expect perfection from myself or others.
• I believe that you should avoid: any one who says they have all the answers, anyone who tells you they are a Christian within 30 seconds of meeting you, any business that uses a Jesus fish in it's advertising, any business that calls itself 'Golden Rule_____.'
• I believe you can believe in any religion you like as long as it doesn't infringe on me or as long as you don't try to convert me to it.
• I believe religion is like your genitals. I'm happy for you if you like yours but don't try to show them to me unless I tell you it's okay to do so and don't force them on kids.
• I believe we all evolved from a single common ancestor. And the fact that we did so was a matter of chance and natural selection.
• I believe that we are not alone in the universe and that many planets contain all sorts of forms of life.
  
• I believe that the only reason we haven't found life on other planets yet is because the universe is so vast a place that looking for and finding life on other planets is like trying to find the head of a pin that's been dropped somewhere in the Pacific ocean.
• I believe that one day humans will get off this planet and colonize other planets and I hope that we don't make the same mistakes there that we made here.
• I believe the world will be a much better place to be when we leave all Bronze age religions behind. Or at least recognize that they are all myths.
  

A Monkey Book Review

I don't usually read fantasy novels. They're just not my cup of tea. I don't give two shits about dark taverns in made up lands that are run by busty wenches who dabble in the black arts and sleep with legions of elves, trolls, and other mythical hairy small woodland creatures. Novels about human royals stripped of their rank and class being forced to go on harrowing quests to slay the evil wizard and to retrieve the underwear of befuddlement and chests containing untold amounts of gold, silver, and Thracian cock rings don't appeal to me anymore. However, many people I respect have been raving about the HBO adaption of A Game of Thrones, so I felt like I should read the novel before it came out on DVD.

It took me a little over a month to read this massive almost 700 page novel but it was time well spent. The action is fast and furious, the characters don't sit around moping and scratching their asses while pondering life's inequities. They go and do. And boy, do they do and do and do. The story never lags, it moves along fast, well as fast as an almost 700 page novel can move.

For those of you unfamiliar with this book, it's about the scramble for power and glory in a quasi medieval very much like Europe land called Westeros where winters last 10 years or so and summer can be 7 or 8 years long. The main families that are clashing are the Lannisters, the Barthenons, and the Starks. The Lannisters are wealthy and powerful and from the south and the Starks are powerful and respected and from the north. Other families vie for power and influence and the Byzantine intrigue at times puts ol' Byzantium to shame. Alliances come and go almost as quickly as the wind blows.

I'm not doing the story justice with my oversimplified break down of it, it's really very very good and Martin is a very good story teller. He's not the greatest of writers and at times his prose is a bit clunky, but what matters here is he knows how to tell a gripping well paced story.

I liked this novel very much and I look forward to the next book in the series and if you like epic stories about villains and heroes in an age before electricity, then you'll like this massive novel too. I'm now all set for the mini series to come out on DVD, in fact, I'm now eagerly awaiting it.

Justice is served

Cousin Smart Ass got his ass handed to him in the PayPal dispute he started with me. He sent me a donation and I sent him four art cards, albeit conceptual art cards that I knew he would hate. He did indeed hate them but I fulfilled my end of the bargain and he got his cards. He tried to claim he didn't get what he ordered but art, being subjective, is art and he got four art cards. I just got an email from PayPal telling they resolved the matter in my favor. Here's what they said:

"We have concluded our investigation and have decided in your favor. Any funds that may have been temporarily held have been returned to your account."

So I got my money back, he got his art cards which he hates, and he knows that I don't want any contact from him ever again. It's a win, win, win!

Triple Movie Report

I saw The Krays when it first came out nearly twenty years ago and I remember thinking then what a smashingly great film it was. I saw it again the other night and while I still very much liked it, I could see some major problems with it.

The film is about Ronnie and Reggie Kray who were two hoods who rose to the highest ranks of the London gangster world in the 1950's and '60's. They were identical twins who ruled the underworld with an iron fist and yet they remained uber loyal to their doting mother. Much of their rise in this film is left to your imagination as most of the nitty gritty of how they got to the top is left off screen, the film hits the high points of their rise and it wisely focuses on the relationship between the brothers, the twins and their mother, and on the love lives of the brothers. Overall, it's very stylish and very good and the leads the Kemp brothers, who some may remember were the guys who founded the rock group Spandau Ballet, acquit themselves nicely considering they're musicians and not actors. Billie Whitelaw as their other is the real star of this film though, her performance is stunningly good. Also note worthy are Susan Fleetwood as Aunt Rose and Katie Hardie as Frances the doomed girl who marries one of the brothers.

My problems with this film are how much of the meat of the story of brothers rise that's not shown, the forced ending that feels oh so tacked on, the fact they showed nothing of how the Kray brothers empire got taken down, and the horrible old man make up they used on the Kemp brothers in the final scene where they pay their respects to their mother at her graveside.

Overall though, this film is worth your time.

Alec Baldwin is one handsome dude and he's believable as an action hero. Penelope Ann Miller is one hot babe who makes a stunningly sexy heroine. The Shadow is a well known property that should have a sure fire built in audience of comic book geeks and pop culture nerds clamoring for it. By all rights this film should have been box office gold. So what went wrong in this production?

For me it was the following:

• When Baldwin becomes The Shadow he was saddled with some ridiculous make up and a fake nose that was so big it had it's own gravitational pull. There was no reason to slap all that hideous make up on him.
  
• They decided about an hour into the film to ramp up the screwball comedy quotient between Miller and Baldwin. Big mistake. Not that they didn't have chemistry, it just didn't fit in the film.
• For a hero who can move about while practically invisible, The Shadow suffers a lot of damage in fights. He gets hit by arrows, shot, and beaten up, repeatedly. One of those things once might have been okay but when all three happen, it stretched my already over stretched suspension of belief.
• The supposed doomsday bomb that was going to do untold horrific damage to New York city was laughably easy to disarm.
  
• The ending felt forced and tacked on, like it was written only after they'd shot most of the movie.

But if you like campy period movies, then you'll enjoy this film.

Speaking of campy movies, Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil is one campy fun as hell movie.

A couple of hillbilly dudes out for a weekend of manly beer drinking and cabin fixing run afoul of a group of college kids out for a good time in the deep backwoods of the West Virginia mountains. Through a series of misunderstandings and mishaps, most of the college kids end up dead and to the outside eye it looks like our hillbilly heroes are to blame. But things are not what they seem and the boys manage to save the day.

This movie trades in some of the most egregious stereotypes about the mountain south but it's so dang fun that I can't quibble too much about how bad they make folks in this area look. Trust me, there are no hand cranked water pumps at gas stations and kids don't wear straw hats and overalls any more. And yes, we all wear shoes, most of us shower everyday, and sister fucking has declined so much in recent years that it's hardly a problem any more.

See this film but don't believe the stereotypical shit they put in it.

Here's your instruction for the day

Think about this for a while

The awful truth

Here is what will happen in the Republican nomination race:

• Romney, barring any major gaffe or scandal, will buy the nomination because almost always Republicans nominate the guy who finished second in the previous election's primaries.
• Evangelicals will hate Romney's religion and they'll squawk about it but in the end they'll support him.
• Evangelicals will support Romney because they generally support a Republican, even though supporting Republicans goes against everything that Jesus Christ stood for, and they'll support him because once he gets the nomination he'll ask Santorum to be his running mate.
• Santorum shores up the radical right religious part of the party and Romney shores up the greedy financial Wall Street cocksucking wing of the party and together Romney and Ricky will run hard against Obama.

It's all moot though because Obama will win re-election and that will cause radical right wing ministers heads to explode. Republicans in Congress will become even more obstructionist and nothing will get done until 2014 when Democrats win back enough seats to get some programs passed.

Final Iowa results

The corporate media won't tell you the final results in Iowa, but I will.

1. Mitt Romney
2. Rick Santorum
3. Ron Paul
4. Newt Gingrich
5. Rick Perry
6. Michele Bachmann
7. Jon Huntsman
8. Herman Cain
9. Tim Tebow
10. An Egg Salad Sandwich
11. Player to be named later
12. Ronald Reagan
13. Nancy Reagan
14. Reagan and Goneril
15. Gilgamesh
16. Azaroth the Blighted One
17. Sarah Palin's funk filled dirty thong
    
18. Tantoo Cardinal
19. Nipsy Russell
20. Russell Crowe
21. Seriously, anyone but Romney
22. 867-5309
23. Ron Paul's racist homophobic newsletters
24. The First Presbyterian Church of Des Moines newsletter
25. Holy shit, we're gonna be stuck with a dude named 'Mitt' as our nominee
    

Two new art card series

Instructional art cards.

Cats.

My year in TV

Inspired by Professor Chaos, long time blog friend, here's my round up of TV stuff from 2011. Not all of these shows came out in 2011, but I did see them in 2011, so there.

• Best Show-Hands down it's The Librarians. It's one of the funniest shows ever. And don't get me started on Robyn Butler, swoon...
• Best Comedy-Summer Heights High. Yeah, it's another Aussie show, so what? Chris Lilley is the comedic shit. I can't wait to see his new show that's finally hitting out shores.
• Best Guilty Pleasure-McLeod's Daughters. This Aussie drama is chock full of enough gynergy (that's female energy for those of you out of my loop) to power a small city. It's a rustic soap opera about two half sisters struggling to keep their ranch in Australia alive after the death of their father. Lot's of emotion, sweaty women on horse back, and gals being there for each other.
• Best Cop Show-Luther. I missed this one when it first aired on BBC America but I'm almost through with the first season on Netflix and man, am I hooked. It's over wrought, it's cliche filled, it's super cheese-tastic, and yet I can't look away. Ruth Wilson is too cute for words and Indira Varma remains a work of art. Idris Elba ain't bad either.
• Best Crime Show-Breaking Bad. I resisted this show for years. Then I watched a couple of episodes on my old cable on demand channel. It was okay but I didn't like the violence and torture. Then once we got Netflix, I gave it another shot. Holy shit, am I glad I did. The best thing about this show for me is the performances of the supporting cast. All in all though, it's a good story that's well told by good actors. I'm not going to gush any more over it or tell you that you must watch it, but yeah, it lives up to it's hype.
• Best Snobby British Aristocratic Masterpiece Theatre Show-Downton Abbey. I fucking love this show. The daughters, the servants, Elizabeth McGovern, everything.
  
• Most Overhyped British Comedy Ever-Red Dwarf. I fell asleep during most all of the episodes I watched.
• Best TV Move on My Part-Getting rid of Charter Cable and getting a Roku. Netflix, HuluPlus (which has over 500 Criterion Collection films), Internet Archive Channel, BBC News, RT News, public domain film channels, bad sci fi and horror films channels, anime channels, and more on the Roku. And no Fox, no religious channels, no shopping channels, I program in what I want and fuck the rest.
• Second Best TV Move on our Part-Saving up all through the fall and buying ourselves a 32" flat screen TV for Christmas. Our old TV was about 18 years old and for the last year we'd have to turn it on a half hour before we wanted to watch it so it could warm up. Our new TV, it's the bomb.
  
• No Thanks, I'm Good-Shows I still refuse to see include Mad Men and anything by that Whitney woman.
  

Praise our wealthy lords and masters!

Not that he'll see it but I did it anyway. I told Rupert Murdoch to go fuck himself on Twitter.

I had decided to stop using Twitter after a Saudi asshole bought a huge stake in it but when I heard that the ghoul Murdoch was now on it, I had to say my piece. But really, is he worried his twisted 'greed is good and unrestrained capitalism for you but corporate welfare for me' message isn't getting out there enough? Or is he one of those doddering old fools who want to appear to be hip? Either way, fuck him.

If I want to know what he's got to say I'll watch his propaganda channel Fox 'News.' Which by the way, I won't because I don't give a shit what that piece of shit liar has to say. Unless he's going to make a complete apology for all his corporate crimes and spend the rest of his days cleaning toilets in the slums of Mumbai and Sao Paulo as penance for all the harm he done.

For all I care he, his sons, his rapidly aging and dried out Chinese trophy wife, can all go tie a cinder neck and jump off a ship out in the ocean. Like all bullies, they'll all go away as soon as we make them pay for their bullying or we stop paying attention to them. Fuck you Rupert, fuck your ill gotten fortune, fuck your lies, and fuck Twitter. I'll never use it again.

A Monkey Movie Review

Comedy is very subjective, what I find funny you may not and vice versa. I found this movie to be hilarious, but I can see how others won't.

Three socially stunted man children run a detective agency that specializes in childish mysteries. When confronted with growing up and a real life murder mystery they nearly crumble. But they face up to both tasks in different ways.

The premise is amusing and it's carried out to perfection by Donald Glover, best known from his stint on Community. His two cohorts at times wear a bit thin, but they are funny too most of the time. Aubrey Plaza is good in a straight role and the rest of the cast acquits themselves quite well. I laughed so much I cried while watching the scenes in the strip club and the ones at the holiday party at the end of the film.

I highly recommend this silly goofy comedy.

Brunette of the week

Carrie Brownstein.

Things that need to happen in the new year

• Twenty-something cashiers need to learn how to make change and that they are there to serve the customer.
• Creepy old men who want to hit on twenty-something cashiers need to do that shit when there aren't people waiting in line behind them.
• Large sums of money need to appear in my and Sparky's bank accounts.
• I need to be more grateful for friends both near and far that I've made over the past few years. Since most of my family is either dead or dead to me, you friends are my family now.
• Red light cameras need to short circuit and radar guns need to malfunction.
  
• HBO needs to unchain itself from it's idiotic outdated corporate policies and either release it's many series to Netflix streaming, HuluPlus, or make their Roku channel a subscription service.
• My teabagging Congressman who refuses to introduce a bill making drug testing mandatory for all people and companies who receive any federal monies needs to resign and get the hell off of Fox Noise.
• The interstellar travel and the underwater cities we were promised when I was a kid need to materialize soon. I'm not getting any younger.
• My frequent insomnia needs to be more infrequent.
• Weight needs to be shed and sheds need to be weighed.
• The 99% of us who aren't stinking rich need to stop voting against our self interest so that we can turn out the incumbents who keep us down.
• Americans need to get over the delusion that if we keep electing Democrats and Republicans that things will magically change. Things will never change until we smash the corrupt dictatorship of the two party system in our country.
  

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of other things that need to happen in 2012 later, so stay tuned.

So long Banquet Hall...

Give it up for our new house band, The Eager Beavers!

Sock monkeys!

Going down right now in Iowa

Newt is wondering where his support and his boner went.


Ron Paul is attending a KKK rally and demanding to know why you're calling him a racist.

I'm on the hustings drumming up support for the Monkey Party.

Michele Bachmann is praying her husband isn't gay.

Herman Cain is delivering 'the pizza.'

Rick Perry has finally learned to lick it before he sticks it.

Mitt is slowly turning into John McCain.

Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman were spotted making out in a Motel 6 outside of Des Moines.

Household repairs

Fuck toilets.

Two reviews

The words that most describes this graphic novel are 'fragile' and 'delicate.'

It's about two French teenagers who are outsiders in most every way. The girl, Lucille, hates her body and is an anorexic as a result and the boy, Vladimir, holds himself responsible for his father's suicide. They finally meet about halfway through the book and they run off together and form a fragile delicate relationship that suffers a major shock.

This work is well written and well drawn. The illustrations are simple in style but they pack a big punch. Don't be daunted the size of the book if you ever pick one up, most of the pages are dialog free drawings.

I highly recommend this one.

This witty and urbane documentary will leave you with a smile on your face and a hunger for some Chinese food. Or perhaps Japanese food, depending on your preference.

The film tells the story behind fortune cookies in America. And yes, the ubiquitous Chinese fortune cookie that we know today was invented here in America. Unless it was invented in Japan that is. All sides of the story are shown and it's up to you to make up your mind as to which one is true, but really, does it matter?

This fun and winning documentary is highly recommended by this blog. The film is available on Netflix instant and it's also on the Snag Films channel on Roku.