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Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create

CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them ... more »
Newswire

Grid List
1 2 3 4

21 hours, 40 minutes ago

Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky
“I’m going to miss those late-night runs to Aborto’s for their amazing fetus wings.”

American Voices: Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food
1 day, 1 hour ago

Video: Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting
1 day, 1 hour ago

Statshot: What Are We Replacing?
1 day, 3 hours ago

Sunday Magazine: Are Bugs Mad At Us?
1 day, 4 hours ago

Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives
1 day, 5 hours ago

Bill's Friends From Work Calling Him 'William'
1 day, 21 hours ago

Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl
1 day, 23 hours ago

Infographic: Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

2 days ago

Video: Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl
"Are you still allowed to write a whole news story about a measly billion bucks?"

American Voices: Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes
2 days, 4 hours ago

Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'
2 days, 5 hours ago

Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurky
2 days, 21 hours ago

Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me
3 days, 2 hours ago

Video: Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother
3 days, 3 hours ago

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year
3 days, 4 hours ago

Romneymania Sweeps America
“Yeah! We got bin Laden!”

American Voices: Obama's State Of The Union

3 days, 18 hours ago

Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them
3 days, 21 hours ago

Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches
by Jesse Walters

I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself
4 days ago

Video: Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses
Taurus Week Of
Jan 24, 2012

Horoscopes: Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
4 days, 2 hours ago

Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board
"I guess getting shot in the head is a lot worse than we all thought."

American Voices: Giffords To Resign
4 days, 4 hours ago

North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala
4 days, 5 hours ago

Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

4 days, 21 hours ago

Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot
4 days, 22 hours ago

Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being
5 days, 1 hour ago

On TV: 2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead
5 days, 2 hours ago

Editorial Cartoon: Un-Suitor-able.
"She’ll have plenty of help. Paul Prudhomme can show her how to cook from a scooter."

American Voices: Paula Deen Has Diabetes
5 days, 4 hours ago

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures
5 days, 4 hours ago

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy
5 days, 5 hours ago

Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy
6 days, 4 hours ago

NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

Australian Open Canceled As Tennis Balls Fall Off Bottom Of Earth Into The Sky

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.27.12 | Sports News in Brief

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Organizers of the Australian Open canceled the highly anticipated Grand Slam event Wednesday night after admitting they were unable to prevent tennis balls from falling off the underside of the planet and into the sky. more»
Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | American Voices

A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. more»
Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Onion Review

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. more»
What Are We Replacing?

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Statshot
Are Bugs Mad At Us?

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Sunday Magazine
Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. more»
Bill's Friends From Work Calling Him 'William'

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | Radio News
Nation’s Least-Appealing Puppies To Face Off In Puppy Bowl

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.26.12 | Sports News in Brief

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the collection of puppies assembled for Puppy Bowl VIII a tired rehashing of the same old Jack Russells, pit mixes, collies, and labs, fans around the nations agreed this week that the 2012 contest would be one of the most ... more»
Internet Against SOPA, PIPA

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | Infographic

Last week, several websites, including Google and Wikipedia, raised awareness of the prohibitive measures included in the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). Here are some of the legislation's controversial provisions: more»
Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | OSN GOOMF

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick. more»
Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | American Voices

According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes. more»
Scientists: 'Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?'

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure... more»
Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurky

ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.26.12 | Radio News
Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Sports News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting ... more»
Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | StarFix

Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world's 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers. more»
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Radio News
Romneymania Sweeps America

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | News

TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former M... more»
Obama's State Of The Union

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | American Voices

President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think? more»
Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Photos
Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signat... more»
I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Commentary

In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! more»
Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Today Now!

Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.24.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub... more»
Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board

ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.24.12 | News in Photos
Giffords To Resign

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | American Voices

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. more»
North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized disco jump-rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square this week. more»
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Radio News
Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday he's beginning to notice how many complimentary meals he's getting from int... more»
Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, does... more»
2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. more»
Un-Suitor-able.

ISSUE 48•04 ISSUE 0• | 01.23.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Paula Deen Has Diabetes

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | American Voices

Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think? more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.23.12 | Slideshow
Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho... more»
Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Radio News
NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie... more»
Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
Eli Manning

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»
Arizona Iced Tea Unveils New 4-Foot-Tall Cans

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it... more»
Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly. July—of... more»
New Super Stats

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sportsgraphic

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. more»
Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Photo Finish
What Are We Hiding From Our Parents?

ISSUE 48•03 ISSUE 0• | 01.20.12 | Statshot
Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Onion Review

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. more»

Video

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama ‘Dad’ In Cabinet Meeting

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

Opinion

Injured Bird 01.28
Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food 01.27
What Are We Replacing? 01.27
Grapes 01.26

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