Zaius Nation - Some Apes Are More Equal Than Others

The Best Way to Review a Television Program, With Zaius Nation

Until recently, I have faithfully watched 30 Rock once a week for years.

Now Comedy Central plays two episodes of 30 Rock every weekday!

I love all of the characters on 30 Rock, especially Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming Jack Donaghy [ 2 ] and the star of The Girlie Show, Jenna Maroney [ 2, 3, 4 ].

One of the greatest things about Comedy Central playing reruns of one of my favorite TV shows is that I can now sing the theme song to 30 Rock to my kitty 10 times a week instead of only once!

While watching television, the most important part of watching any TV series is singing the theme music to your cat, of course. If your cat likes it when you sing the theme music from a TV show to him, then it must be a pretty good show. (This is the secret to finding good television programming!) The greatest things about singing to your cat are:

1. They actually like silly lyrics, as long as the lyrics are about them.
2. They don't care if you have a terrible singing voice.
3. Sometimes they even sing along!

So in keeping with my tradition of singing television theme music to my cat, I've been singing the theme music to 30 Rock to my cat, Captain Nemo:

Ne-Mo
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na)
Ne-MO!
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(brief staccato bass section)
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Ne-MO!

I only sing the horn section of the 30 Rock music to my cat. I don't sing the staccato string section nor the percussion section during the themes brief introduction because, as we all know, that would be silly.

Sadly, I think that I have seen every episode of 30 Rock at least twice, so I shall have to wait until the show returns to NBC prime time on Thursday, January 12.

In the meantime, Santa brought me the boxed set of all three seasons of Kung Fu!

No, wait... I'm sorry. I meant this boxed set...

So naturally I've been singing the sorrowful and slightly racist theme music to the awesome television show Kung Fu to my cat. The signature of the theme is as follows, which is repeated during the introduction as well as during the ending credits of the show:

Neee-MO-nemo
Nemo nemo-nemo-NE-mo-nemo
Ne-mo-nemo-neee-moo-nemo
nemo-nemo-Ne-ee-MOO!

and then comes the part where Master Kan says, "As quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand...", Which I find is a very appropriate time for a vigorous kitty back rub, followed by a methodical skritching behind the kitty's ears.

What television theme songs have you been singing to your cat?

Fear is the only darkness.
All creatures are one with nature.
Chi always lasts.
Peace is prized above victory.
What happens is already written.
The wise always remain humble.
All creatures have virtues.
Leave no place for death to enter.
Seek not to contend.
Trust, but expect the unexpected.

Accept the ways of others.
Is a man's Universe only himself?
Not many things... One.
Cowardice is wisdom of weakness.
The soul only records growth.
Undiscerning minds absorb poison.
I worship life.
Disregard how others see you.
Let tears and joy come unplanned.
Be nothing and become everything.

We only know good because of evil.
Look beyond the letter of the law.
Change and find the Truth.
Look beyond the surface.
Afford such arrogance?
Nature is always impartial.
Who can defeat himself?
Peace lies in the Path.
The Beginning of Wisdom
Po's words of wisdom

John Boehner Dines On a Christmas Dinner of Humble Pie and a Side of Crow

John Boehner has shown renewed vigor and vitality as Speaker of the House recently...

Or then again, maybe not.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Yuletide greetings, everyone!

I am catching up on some last minute Christmas correspondence...

But I am republishing a special Christmas recipe for you...

Handed down by the Great Lawgiver, who brought presents to all of the good apes and gave lobotomies to all of those pesky humans. Here is his divine simian recipe:

Milk Punch ala the Great Lawgiver
Fill the blender 3/4 full of ice
fill the blender 3/4 full of milk
2 capfulls of vanilla (1/2 teaspoon)
4 heaping tablespoons of sugar
Mix in 3 shots of brandy
Sprinkle Nutmeg on each serving.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Cthulhu Christmas Carols

Cthulhu's song
The Shoggoth Song
Death To The World
Mi-Go We Have Heard On High
Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones
Silent Night, Blasphemous Night
Harley Got Devoured by the Undead
Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town
It's Beginning To Look a lot Like Fishmen

Oh Cthulhu
Es Y'golonac
Away In A Madhouse
Elvis Presley - Blue Solstice
Freddy the Red Brained Mi-Go
Carol of the Old Ones Sing-Along
I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth
Have yourselves a scary little Solstice
It's the Most Horrible Time of the Year

I'm listening to all of these swell Cthulhu Christmas carols! My personal favorites are "Carol of the Old Ones", "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones" and of course Elvis Presley singing, "Blue Solstice". Many of these songs are from the album: "A Very Scary Solstice" by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

The Real Meaning of Christmas

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Zaius Nation: What do you call people who are afraid of Christmas? 'Claus-trophobic!'
The Pretenders - 2000 Miles (Remastered)
Major Matt Mason - a toy collection (Facebook)
Star Wars AT-AT Pancakes
How Germany Builds Twice as Many Cars as the U.S. While Paying Its Workers Twice as Much
Freakiest Ads of 2011 - Basement 'Rabbit' | Adweek
Video: Cat Hiccups and Farts at the Same Time
Video: William Shatner on the dangers of Thanksgiving dinner. BEWARE!
One Girl Starts an Awesome Flash Mob Mashup in the Mall
Top 6 Amazing Facebook Infographics
Google Memory Page
The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation
Processed Meats Declared Too Dangerous for Human Consumption
Video: Doctor Who Yo Mama Jokes - Awkward Spaceship
The Top Seven Santas with a Bladed Weapon
The 11 Best/Worst Vagina Tattoos Of All Time [NSFW]
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If you ever had any doubt the the media was controlled
Damn! Van Damme!
Planet of the Heavily Armed Apes
Tea Party Report
Susie Sit Downs - God's Word with Pastor Jim
Fox News Show Awarded 'Top Misinformer Of 2011'
What Liberals Fought For And Conservatives Fought Against
10 Reasons Not To Vote For Ron Paul
20 Reasons I won't Vote for Ron Paul

27 worst nativity sets: the annual, growing list!

A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I have finally got most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this special Christmastime moment to share with you a Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly a most accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States.

Christine O'Donnell Still Doesn't Want You to Touch Your Penis!

Remember Christine O'Donnell, the "I'm not a witch" and "God doesn't want you to masturbate" Tea Party candidate who defeated U.S. Representative and former governor Michael Castle in Delaware's September 2010 Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, only to then lose the seat held by Republicans for 18 years to Democrat Chris Coons by a margin of 57% to 40%? [ 1 ] Me neither! (as my good friend Tengrain would say.)

Well it would seem that despite her creation of a PAC, Ms. O'Donnell has fallen out favor with the Tea Party as of late. Why are those wacky Republicans so gosh darned fickle these days?

'Not a witch' O'Donnell endorses Romney for Prez
Christine O'Donnell and the Fix Endorsement Hierarchy
O'Donnell's 'unreliable' Gingrich zing
Christine O'Donnell Touring Early 2012 States
Updated: Christine O'Donnell meets tea-party activists in West Des Moines
Christine O'Donnell Rejected by Iowa Tea Party Groups
15 Iowa tea party-related groups reject Christine O'Donnell's meetup invitation
**I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell
Christine O'Donnell invents a New Sugar Daddy [ 2 ]
Christine O'Donnell To Build Addition To Home [...]
ChristinePAC | Official Site

Vive la Différence!

A brief but delightful tale of redemption, peer pressure, and the importance of blind conformity - Charlton Comics' The Difference.

The Great GOP Hot Air Balloon Race

With less than a month until the Iowa caucuses, Newt Gingrich is enjoying a comfortable lead over the rest of the Republican candidates.

Trying to narrow the gap in the race is proving to be a very difficult task for the GOP favorite...

And while other contenders in the race have had some success with tried and true methods...

Some candidates can't even seem to get their campaigns off the ground.

Ack! My Christmas Has Been Ruined!

Ack! My Christmas has been ruined! I went to the local Walgreens to buy my large daily bag of my medicinal Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and was shocked to find that they did not have any regular large bags of wholesome and health-giving Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, the only Reeses Peanut Butter goodness that they had in a large bag were Reeses Peanut Butter TREES!

I was forced to buy these atrocities, of course. What else was I to do? I could not allow myself to succumb to an damaging and harmful anti-sucrose coma that would beinduced by a diet completely devoid of the healthful effects of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. But these Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are an atrocity! An aberration against god and nature!

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are aerodynamic, and thus by very design they are both roundish and circular - a shape that is both easy to digest and pleasing to the eye and stomach. On the other hand, Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are pointy and angular, and they are entirely without the palette-pleasing edge ridges of a regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Oh, the horror.

Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!"

No time for blogging today! I'm busy drumming up business for my friends down at the local funeral parlor. (I wouldn't want to shirk in my duties as a job creator!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!" Aloha, kids!

The Latest Edition of Awesome Facebook Pictures!
Animated Comic Covers!
Hottest Gamer Girls...Ever, Part One
Your Smartphone Is Spying on You
Heroic Dog Rescues Kittens Dumped in Traffic
Texts From Bennett
The World's Biggest Insect Is So Freaking Huge It Can Eat a Carrot
Animals of YouTube sing "Jingle Bells"
CATalunia Boy's Choir
Fracking May Have Caused 50 Earthquakes in Oklahoma
Kitty Plays Fetch
Bad Photos
Simon's Cat in 'Double Trouble'
Shoes 4 Cecilia
Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Shut Your Mouth When You Sneeze
Camouflage Paintings
Angry Cobra-Cat
Ghostbusters Fans: Halloween Costume Contest Entries (Facebook)
Wookiee The Chew
Ten stories of people moving their money, despite bank efforts to stop them
Map: The Nuclear Bombs in Your Backyard
5 ways to help your pet live longer
Shocking News Cast
Bert Brandon of Interplanetary Insurance, Inc.

And...
Moms Blast Xmas Vid From Justin Bieber & Mariah Carey As Too Sexy [ 2, 3 ]
(I was actually far more offended by the ridiculous number of product placements in the video.)

Im Ho Tep Lives!

As you may have heard, they are voting for new leadership in Egypt...

...I hope that they elect my good friend Boris Karloff!

Pedobear Says...

Beware! Take Cover! It's the end of Daylight Saving Time as we know it!

Citizens, beware! Daylight Saving Time as we know it will end this Sunday at 2:00 a.m. local standard time, which (through the dark technology of time travel) shall become 1:00 a.m. local daylight time!

When a time change is actually occurring, take shelter immediately. Put together a kit of emergency supplies. Determine in advance where you will take shelter during time change. (Storm cellars or basements provide the best protection.)

If underground shelter is not available, go into an interior room or hallway on the lowest floor possible. Stay clear of clocks and devices with internal chronometers, such as VCRs and some microwaves. Stay away from windows, doors and outside walls. Go to the center of the room. Stay away from corners because they attract time ripples and temporal distortions.

Parts of Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Idaho and Montana are not affected by the ravages of Daylight Saving Time. Other areas in the U.S. that are spared the horrific effects of Daylight Saving Time are Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands.

Final tip: It is NOT Daylight Savings time--there's no "s" after Saving. It's Daylight Saving Time, singular.

As a time traveling simian spiritual leader from the future, I know about these things!

PST: Pacific Time (GMT -08:00)	MST: Mountain Time (GMT -07:00)
CST: Central Time (GMT -06:00)	EST: Eastern Time (GMT -07:00)

Happy Halloween!

(My good friend George sent me this.)

October Ritual

It's Halloween night. Yes, it's finally here.

I've bought all the candy – twice as much as last year.

I have Hershey and Nestle and Tootsie Roll Pops,

Marshmallow pumpkins, black and orange gum drops,

Snickers, and Reese's, M&Ms;, Milky Ways,

Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, taffy, Pay Days,

Candy corn, Almond Joys, Good ‘n' Plenty, and Mounds,

Skittles and Kit Kats, Cracker Jack by the pounds.

There are Three Musketeers, Junior Mints that I'll freeze.

I've splurged on Godiva and boxes of See's.

Yes now I am ready; I've spared no expense.

So let's get things started. Let the evening commence.

Though the street will be crowded with children galore,

I'm not turning the light on. I won't answer the door.

That shouldn't surprise you; it's clear, don't you see?

For all of the candy's for me – just for me!

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

The Zaius Nation Guide to Feeding Your Cat

I think that the best method for feeding your cat is to buy it in bulk, and then arrange it in your cabinet categorized by flavor. If you feed your cat each can sequentially, you know that you are feeding him or her a delicious treat that they haven't had for several days. This takes all of the guesswork out of which can to feed your cat next. Cat food problem solved!

Of course, one must first make a careful study of which kinds of food your cat likes to eat. This can only be accomplished by a painstaking process of trial and error, but I definitely think that the results are worth it. Here is the findings of my own detailed study of the eating habits of my cat, Captain Nemo:

My Cat's Favorite Foods: A Detailed Analysis