Watch your mouth

–WKW

A Straight White Man’s Burden

Being a Straight White Male is great. It really is. I mean, the number of perks I get solely for being a Straight White Guy is just ridiculous. Did you know we Straight White Men get free ice cream on Tuesdays? Our choice of flavors. It’s fabulous.

But life as a White Male is not all good jobs, unlimited rights and privileges and free ice cream on Tuesdays. It is mostly, mind you, but it’s not everything.

You see, as a Straight White American Male, it is my job to tell women and minorities what rules they must live by. It is a huge responsibility that I more or less take seriously.

Imagine the time I have to spend deciding whether or not women should be allowed to have abortions or use birth control? I spend literally minutes each month debating this issue with other Straight White Men. But we make these decisions because we are Straight White Men and we know better.

Then I have to decide how poor minorities can be before they revolt. This is not an easy task, either. Luckily, we live in the richest nation on Earth. Thus, minorities can obviously be much poorer still. I mean, many of them live like kings while still having walls on their house.

And don’t think it’s a cakewalk keeping the LGBT community as second-class citizens. They are really insistent on having the same rights as someone like me, a Straight White Male. But when you are ensconced in privilege as I am, you want to stay a step ahead of the other guys. This is why my fellow Straight White Males fight to keep women, minorities, gays, lesbians and any and all non-Straight non-White non-Males from living with freedom and dignity. Don’t hate the player here, hate the game. The game in which I get to make up the rules as I go along.

Yes, my friends, being a Straight White Male in the United States is not as easy as it seems. Sure, it’s very, very easy and no one is coming to take my rights away or anything, but there are responsibilities.

So today, when you see a Straight White Male walk by, think about patting him on the back. Don’t actually do it, of course, as touching us isn’t allowed. I mean, know your place for God’s sake.

–WKW

Sex for women? Outlaw it. Problems solved

America has become Satan’s playground. It is a nation that dances with the devil and is seeing it’s greatness usurped by sin. And it is all because we allow American women to have sex.

Recently, more and more Republicans have come forward to announce they are anti-abortion and anti-birth control. They have fought to eliminate Planned Parenthood. They are even trying to pass legislation that would would make it illegal for African-American women to have abortions.

While these attempts to shut down the menacing sexuality of women have been nobel, they truly only treat the symptom and not the problem. This is why it is vital for all Americans of courage and morality to come together as one and force Congress to pass the “No More Sex for Women” bill.

The bill is just one sentence with one footnote.

This bill makes it illegal for women to have sex*.

*Does not apply to sex with other women in films.

The passage of this bill is what stands between America and continued greatness. Women having sex is forbidden in most holy text books, as far as we know, and the fact that Gods of all stripes stand side-by-side in this belief tells us that our fight is the correct one.

The punishment for having sex must be severe and involve not just substantial time in prison, but community service such as having sex with other women in films. Only legislation with teeth can combat this recent trend of women having sex.

An America free of sex-having women will be an America back in step with God. America will thrive and future generations will thank us for our bold initiative. Also, men will still get to have sex.

So, my friends, now is the time. It is time to end abortion, venereal diseases and the scourge of minority babies. It is time to make it illegal for women to have sex.

–WKW

With love to the son of Bo-Bo Jangles

Our beloved Boston Terrier Max died of complications on Jan. 24, following a strong battle against congestive heart failure, liver disease and a host of other problems. While his final day was a bad one, Max did not suffer in the days, weeks or months prior to his death.

Max came into my wife’s life when she was just 22. She had left Brazil to get her masters degree at Southern Indiana University. A dog lover from her earliest days, Emilia chose Max to be her first dog. It was a brilliant choice.

When Emilia met Max, he was known as “Alpha.” He would dominate all the other puppies to get food and comfort. This would become a central part of Max’s personality. He spent his life learning new tricks on how to get whatever it was he wanted, which was mostly food. Being an extremely intelligent dog, he always seemed to get whatever he wanted.

And while he tended to try to dominate puppies, the fact was that Max was not a fighter, whatsoever. If his initial tough-guy act didn’t work, he’d back off or find myself or Emilia to handle his problems.

Max had a hobby. He’d literally spend hours sucking on stuffed animals. My belief was that it took him back to the days when his mother – Pink Lady- nursed him. For Max, however, it was a sign that he was utterly content when he’d sit next to you somewhere and suck on his toy.

Max was misunderstood genius. Being a Boston Terrier, his facial expressions were somewhat nil as compared to other dogs who get that “happy face” that draws people in. But while he showed little emotion, Max was a loving dog.

Max fit into being an older dog perfectly. He had a minor bit of grumpiness about him, which was irresistible. Making Max angry was one of our favorite games. That was how he played – by growling viciously and snapping at you. It was glorious.

My wife and I laughed recently when we read the opening words of Lord Byron’s wonderful “Epitaph to a Dog.”

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.

Max was the son of Bo-Bo Jangles. He was beautiful and vain. He was insolent without strength and ferocious without courage. He had all the virtues of man, with a few vices.

Max helped my wife through some of her toughest times and was always there for her. Max helped her define herself and become the person she is today. I knew him for 10 years and my heart is broken that he’s no longer with us. But he will always be a part of this family. He will always be missed.

–WKW

Stop Animal Abuse in Brazil – Crueldade Nunca Mais – Sunday, Jan. 22

On Sunday (Jan. 22), we’ll be attending the Crueldade Nunca Mais rally in Uberlandia, Minas Gerais, Brazil. This is not just a nation-wide rally, but an international one, dedicated to strengthen extremely weak laws in Brazil against animal cruelty.

Coming from a military dictatorship, Brazil has erred on the side of caution when it comes to handing down sentences for crime (the maximum sentence for any offense, such as murder, is 35 years). Partly due to this, as well as cultural issues, the laws for animal cruelty are particularly weak, and cruelty against animals is always a problem here. From the Web site (Note: Disturbing images):

This event is the beginning of a series of actions to correct penalties for cruelty to animals.

The official goal of the movement is to collect 1.5 million signatures. … The demonstration is a peaceful movement and law-abiding, conceived and organized by animal protectors of Brazil, and will be the beginning of a series of actions intended to correct penalty for crimes of mistreatment of animals.

The events will be held throughout the nation of Brazil, as well as in other countries, including the United States and England. Check the Web site here for locations.

Pets have become an important part of Brazilian life. I’d like to thank Crueldade Nunca Mais for fighting to strengthen animal cruelty laws, and for fighting for the rights and lives of the animals we love.

–WKW

Max chews it over

A quick update on the now-famous Boston Terrier Max (hey, has your dog appeared in the Washington Post?): Despite what seems like an endless array of problems thrown at him (including a perennially runny nose), the little guy keeps motoring along. Here he is this morning, enjoying a little chew.

–WKW

Mitt Romney is just not very good at this

If there’s one thing that’s glaringly apparent in the GOP nomination process, it’s this – Mitt Romney is just not a very good candidate for office.

It shouldn’t be this way. Romney is very intelligent, attractive to the point it almost appears he was assembled by a crack team of human designers, and well spoken. Add to that the fact that he can afford the best campaign advisors money can by, and he truly should be a juggernaut of a candidate.

But here’s Romney’s flaw in a nutshell – he is unwilling and unable to own up to who he is and what he has done.

He is unable to own up to his record as the Governor of Massachusetts. This really shouldn’t be that hard. He was a Republican who became governor of a very liberal state. In a country where state’s rights have become all the rage, why can’t he own up to the fact that he governed it as conservatively as he could, but still had constituents to please?

He is unable to own up to his own wealth and privilege. For God’s sakes, he intimated that he’s middle class. He tried to say he spent time in Paris as a street urchin (he actually lived in a mansion). He tries to make his time at Bain Capital appear as though it was philanthropic, that it was all about job creation. Here he is, the leading candidate for the Republican party, and he’s practically apologizing for being rich and successful.

Romney comes off as completely out-of-touch for two reasons – 1) He is. 2) He pretends he isn’t. Say what you will about guys like Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, but at least they know who they are and why they do what they do.

Mitt Romney, for all he has going for him, is uncomfortable being Mitt Romney. He is unable to take command of who he is and what he has done. This is why he is a lousy candidate. This is why he’ll never be President of the United States.

–WKW

Brazilian drug dealer takes tagging to the next level

Sometimes Brazil can be a leader in innovation. Not always in good ways, mind you. From the Associated Press:

SAO PAULO (AP) — Brazilian police say a suspected drug trafficker is giving crack cocaine addicts free drugs in exchange for tattooing his name on their bodies.

Police in the northeastern state of Bahia said Monday that upward of 70 people in the small town of Itapetinga have tattooed the surname “Freudenthal” on their bodies.

Police have also found corpses of suspected drug addicts with the same tattoo.

Well, I suppose just tagging walls and billboards gets old after awhile.

HT Greg Pollowitz

–WKW

Muhammad Ali & Martin Luther King Jr.: America is the better for them

It is a wonderful coincidence that Muhammad Ali’s 70th birthday comes the day after Martin Luther King Jr. Day. While the two essentially ran in different circles, as it were, both were amazing parts of a time that saw America change dramatically for the better.

While yesterday saw Americans look to King’s words and actions, all would be remiss to overlook what Ali did to change social and cultural norms in the United States.

In some ways, Ali was a direct link to Jack Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight champion. Johnson was proud to be a Black man long before such an attitude would be accepted in the United States. And for that, he would pay a high price. For more than a half-century after Johnson rose to the top of the boxing world, Black fighters learned an important lesson – if you want to last in boxing, it is best to let your fists do the talking.

Ali, however, was not to be quieted. Not at all. But herein lies the difference between Johnson and Ali. While Johnson was loud and proud, his actions tended to be for the benefit of himself. Ali burst into the public consciousness in the turbulent 1960s and – with great humor and personality – was a man of his times. He was thoughtful and intelligent, and evolved into a man who understood and thrived on his place in changing times.

Much has been written of Ali’s journey and it is not necessary to recap his life and actions here. He was, without a doubt, a controversial figure during controversial times and he was an imperfect man. But he brought a pride to the African-American community like no other athlete before or since. He changed how many Americans – both Black and White – felt about themselves, their communities and their country. And as his career progressed, he became a man beloved and respected by nearly all.

Ali’s pride, strength and determination were the only things that spoke louder than himself. And his effect on the American psyche is still being felt today.

Happy 70th birthday, champ.

–WKW

John Huntsmann made a name for himself in the GOP

Today, the brave and serious campaign of John Huntsmann will end. And we are all the lesser for it.

In what has been a contentious race for the GOP nomination for President, Hantsman brought class, strength and vision to an otherwise unworthy field. Sure, Hurtmink never seemed to get past 5 percent in most polling and found himself being beaten by the non-running Stephen Colbert in a recent South Carolina poll, but those are just numbers.

You see, Hankmen brought a quiet, unassuming charm to a boisterous crowd of candidates. While Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry threw red meat to their followers, Hartmap was a calm, almost unnoticeable visage through debate after debate after debate.

His attempts at humor were genius, often going over the head of everyone in the nation. Who can forget his Kurt Cobain joke? Or his joke in Mandarin? Most people, probably. But that never deterred Hampton. He went forward with a quiet dignity, and truly earned his spot as “The Guy Who Polled Slightly Higher Than Buddy Roemer.”

The race for the Republican nomination has been marked by vitriol and confusion. But one man stood above it all. And he is no longer in the race, one thing is incredibly clear – by running for President, John Harbaugh truly made a name for himself.

–WKW

Is that a frog on your dime or are you just happy to see me?

Well, I guess that is a frog. The world’s smallest variety of frog at that. Learn more about it at National Geographic.

–WKW

Chael Sonnen’s & soccer team Palmeiras highlight a dilemma for Anderson Silva & Brazilian fighters

When Junior Dos Santos creamed Cain Velasquez to win the UFC Heavyweight belt, it codified something everyone knew – from top (Dos Santos) to bottom (Jose Aldo), Brazilians are a dominant force in the UFC and MMA.

But while UFC134 in Rio showed the world that Brazilians love MMA and their fighters, a simple fact remains – soccer is the No. sport in Brazil. By far. And American middleweight contender Chael Sonnen has shown he’s well aware of this in his effort to get middleweight champ Anderson Silva back into the ring. He showed as such in a recent video he put out, wearing a shirt from the famed Brazilian soccer club Palmeirias.

The story behind the video is this: Silva is sponsored by the soccer club Corinthians, the reigning Brazilian League champions. For this, Silva receives approximately $250,000 per year. Silva wore a Corinthians jersey into the ring with him in Rio prior to his obliteration of Yushin Okami.

This would seem a simple enough situation. One could imagine Jon Jones entering the ring wearing a Dallas Cowboys’ jersey without a risk of destroying his fan base. But this is Brazil. And while Corinthians has a large fan base, they are also easily one of the most hated teams in Brazil. So while the Spider has a good fan base in Brazil, he has also become a hated figure amongst those that despise Corinthians, especially amongst fans of Corinthians’ main rival, Palmeiras.

Sonnen – who has proven to be one of the smartest trash-talkers in all of sports – quickly glommed on to this and began talking up Palmeiras. The management at Palmeiras jumped into the fray, sending Sonnen some team jerseys and other team paraphernalia. This led to the video in which Sonnen – who obviously did his homework – promised a victory over Silva and that he’d dedicate the win to Palmeiras and hand the belt to recently retired goalkeeper Marcos – a Palmeiras legend.

This is by no means a desperate move by Sonnen. Should he get the chance to fight Silva again – a victory over Mark Munoz on Jan. 28 will give him that opportunity – he could walk into the ring with Brazilian supporters, even if the fight were held in Brazil. Such is the power of soccer in Brazil. A brash, trash-talking American could walk into the ring in Brazil against a Brazilian legend and have a fan base.

This should be a teaching moment for Brazilian fighters and fight teams – being supported by a soccer team, regardless of your support for them, should be avoided. Brazilian fighters such as Shogun Rua have avoided connection with soccer clubs and enjoy unanimous support amongst Brazilians. Not so with Silva. For a fighter with the ability and personality of Silva – who already has national sponsorships from non-sporting entities such as Burger King – the support from Corinthians will likely have a cost of much more than $250k.

______________

Anderson Silva announces new injury

UFC Middleweight Champion Anderson Silva, who already has been on the shelf due to a shoulder injury, told the Brazilian TV Show “Good Morning Brazil” that he is now dealing with a back injury, as well.

“I’m not sure when I’ll come back,” said Silva. “I have the shoulder injury, and another injury arose recently in my lower back, so I’m dealing with that now.”

While the UFC has examined Silva and seen he has bursitis in his shoulder, the lower back injury has yet to be confirmed by doctors. Dan Henderson, who along with teammate Chael Sonnen are angling for rematches with the Spider, stated he’s not convinced the shoulder injury is real.

“All the ‘injuries’ that keep Anderson from a rematch with me or Chael will heal real fast if they offer Bisping to him,” said Henderson.

–WKW

Should William K. Wolfrum look at porn all day, or be a Work Vigilante?

I’m looking for reader input on whether and when I, William K. Wolfrum, should actually do work, or whether I should just look at porn all day.

One example mentioned recently by a reader: “Mr. Wolfrum, there have already been two GOP Primaries and several GOP Debates. You have written nary a word about these events. I wish you would stop spending your days looking at porn and instead try working for a change.”

Another example from a reader: “Bill, you need to work more. Now. Stop looking at porn all day or our marriage is in real trouble.”

These messages were typical of mail from some readers who, fed up with my porn habit and evasion to work, look to me to get off my ass and actually do something. Anything.

Is that the prevailing view? And if so, how can I, William K. Wolfrum do this in a way that is objective and fair? Is it possible to be objective and fair when I actually do things, as opposed to doing nothing and being as fair as possible? The question here is a simple one: Should I look at porn all day, or be a work vigilante? This, of course, leads to other questions, such as:

• When I cut the lawn, should I set it on fire and then shoot bullets into the house, or should I be a lawnmower vigilante?
• If I have a child, should I ignore it and allow wolves to raise it, or should I be a parenting vigilante?
• Should I eat cereal dry, or should I be a milk vigilante?
• Should fireman stand by and watch houses burn while mocking the owners, or should they be firefighting vigilantes?

Please feel free to leave a comment below or send me an e-mail at public@nytimes.com with the subject line: Readers Point the Way: Wolfrum Work Vigilante. Please adhere to my comment moderation policy when posting. If I don’t get back to you, assume I am looking at porn.

–WKW

Boston Terriers: The World’s Greatest Dogs, period

Boston Terriers are just the best. I shall not be disputed on this opinion.

–WKW

Mitt Romney at the RNC Convention: What to say, what to say?

As the results start flowing in from the New Hampshire primary, it’s time to accept an absolute – Mitt Romney will win the GOP nomination and be the man on the ballot against Barack Obama. It all comes down to one simple fact: The average Republican voter is not a mindless ideologue in search of moral victories. They want a candidate that at least has a shot, and Romney is that guy.

The rest of the Republican race for the nomination will be more or less kabuki. A candidate will go up, a candidate will go down. Newt Gingrich will say something stupid. Rick Santorum will hate on gays and lesbians. Rick Perry will drop out tomorrow. basically, the only thing of interest now – regardless what the media tells you – is how badly Romney’s fellow candidates will hamstring him leading up to his match-up against Obama. It’s very possible – likely even – that candidates will soon fall in line and hail young Willard as the man of the hour. However, it’s also possible they will tear into Romney with everything they and their Super PACS have and leave him a shuddering shell in the general election. At very least, it makes the whole endeavor watchable.

But here’s where it will get interesting. At the RNC Convention in August, they will need to say SOMETHING about Romney. In 2008, John McCain was helped at the RNC Convention. No matter what your feelings about the guy, his military experiences and government service made for great theater. For Romney, Republicans can only talk about his time as governor of Massachusetts for so long before they run into that pesky Romneycare issue. And now, with the help of Gingrich, Romney’s time at Bain Capital has become untouchable.

Essentially, when Mitt Romney walks up to the stage to accept the GOP nomination, he will do so after being lauded as a guy who ran a long-forgotten Olympics and a guy who ran for officie and failed a lot. There really isn’t much more to say.

–WKW

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