Let Them Eat Air

ABOVE: Joe Malchow

Shorter Joe Malchow, White Power Whine
Postcard from the Island of Individual Mandates

• The individual mandates in the Affordable Care Act are communism, pure and simple, and will turn the U.S. into Cuba, complete with dirty buildings and crappy cars.

I don’t know where the geniuses at White Power Whine dug up Joe Malchow (other than apparently from the pile of right-wing yahoos that wash up in the detritus from Dartmouth every year), but he is certainly a doozy. In the post shorterized above, Malchow (“Bad Food”?) tries to draw a link between the individual insurance mandates, an idea originally cooked up over in the neo-Stalinist gulags of the Heritage Foundation, and Castro’s brand of communism. I won’t dignify this as even grasping at straws because when you are doing that, well, at least there are straws.

Since the Communist revolution in 1959, Cuba has been officially atheist. It’s just one example, in a place full of them, of an individual mandate that is at odds with reality.

Yes, Joe is suggesting that the requiring people to buy health insurance is just like requiring them to be atheists. It’s also just like putting puppies in a burlap sack filled with stones and throwing them into a river.

Like when the government mandates food. It doesn’t actually create food, just hunger.

Eating food bought by the government is like the mythical Chinese dinner that you eat and are hungry again in less than an hour. No, worse, food paid for the government makes you hungrier than you would have been if you had eaten nothing at all! I somehow have a feeling that Mr. Dartmouth has never really been acquainted with food shortage or hunger other than the time that the Domino’s pizza showed up 10 minutes late.

Or buildings. When the government takes away property, nationalizes it, and tells your family to go and live over in that Spanish colonial masonry pile, you go and do it. But it isn’t really a home.

The irony of Master Malchow, who is now all of about 25, spouting this hoohah about not owning what you haven’t paid for is that his own resume shows him as the prototypical wingnut welfare recipient, complete with a fat check from the Hoohah Institute itself. The best part of Malchow’s participation in the Hoover Institution Rising Fellows program is that he lists it under “Charitable Activities.” Honestly. To Malchow getting paid by Hoover to hang out with a bunch of other wingnuts is a charitable activity, like working in a soup kitchen or finding shelter for the homeless.

Malchow also lists “The Federalist Society” as a charitable activity. I suppose it is a “charitable activity” too if you compare it to, oh, I don’t know, say, mugging homeless people for pocket change or cow-tipping. Otherwise, not so much.

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

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So Apparently the Entire Right Wing Has Decided They’re the Neighborhood Watch From Hot Fuzz

The South will Whine Again!

Victor Davis Hanson, White Supremacist For Hire, America’s Shittiest Website:
Ten Things We’ve Learned from the Trayvon Martin Tragedy

I’m gonna be fully honest with you. I’ve been veering away from the full out wingnut explosion with regards to the brutal and unforgivable slaying of Trayvon Martin and the criminal actions by the Sanford Police Department.

Not because there isn’t fail to mine. Oh, believe me, there’s enough Fail to power a major city into the next millennium, even after the zombie hordes are created.

But, because despite my verbosity, I’m not nearly as powerful a humor-smith as Tintin and some subjects just elicit such raw blood-curdingly hate within me that I find it difficult to find the humor in the subject.

Similarly, I’ve shied away from tackling Our Favorite White Supremacist, because there’s just so much raw hate one can take before one needs to scour their skin with a wire brush just to feel clean again.

So why am I tackling both subjects at once? I’ll explain after the shorter.

• Damnitt people! Can’t you see that boy was obviously a nigger and thus deserved to die?!?

I hope its clear now.

That’s right. I’ve apparently done something wrong and feel the need to publicly atone by causing myself pain. But no need to get into details… That family in Chicago… so much blood… Little Timmy’s screams all through the night… why were they so loud?

1) So far there has been very little new light shed on exactly what happened on the night of the shooting.

Yes, there has only been the evidence of the cold-blooded shooting, multiple witnesses, multiple 911 calls from victim, shooter, and witnesses, the admission of the killer before claiming self-defense by the “Stand Your Ground” rule, the video camera tape…

Yeah, if there was ever this much evidence of a black man shooting a white kid, he’d already be dancing on the electric chair.

It is likely that Mr. Zimmerman will be arrested on some sort of charge, local, state, or federal, and more likely that most will believe that such an arrest is as much a necessary price to soothe racial passions as it is likely to be based on careful review of existing evidence.

Well, of course, why would you bothering arresting someone after a minor peccadillo like stalking and shooting an unarmed teenage boy in the middle of the street in broad daylight?

Fuck, if you let those racial agitators get their way, that might even become illegal or something and then what man will feel safe hunting and shooting a kid in cold blood? Is that the type of America we want to live in, people? IS IT?!?

2) Identity in this ill society is everything — something to be put on and taken off as one sees advantage.

…

I quit.

It’s been fun, but… the little girl was so still… her little doll… fine, I’ll continue.

Civil-rights supporters prefer to wear hoodies in rallies and demonstrations in solidarity with the hooded Mr. Martin, but prefer the media to continue to show pictures of a young-looking victim in football attire that better offers a sympathetic portrait to the general public.

Mandatory Hot Fuzz reference.

But also… so…? If someone decided to kill you and people marched in your support, they’d probably show a picture of you poured drunkingly into a suit rather than the one of you naked and weeping upon the commode. Also, are hoodies against the law, do they possess some magnetic force I was unaware of that pulls the bullets from guns no matter how hard people try and pull them away?

Cause otherwise, you are saying that if someone at all looks anything less than a scrubbed-up person going to Church, you’re allowed to gun them down in cold blood in enforcement to the Dress Code that… America apparently has now.

Hey, idiots of the world, want to know why he was probably wearing a hoodie?

Because it was cold enough to wear one.

Hispanic and Democratic George Zimmerman, had he Hispanicized his name (something like a Jorge Zimmerman, or had he used his mother’s Latino maiden name), would have either found a supportive chorus from Latino activists, or the entire case of Latino-black crime would not have had commensurate resonance. If Mr. Zimmerman were applying for a civil-service job, no one would have created the new rubric “white Hispanic.”

You know, in the last couple of years, I’ve had occasion to fill out a metric shit-ton of applications, for government jobs as well as private sector, and each one that asked for racial information (for survey purposes) listed the category for whitey as: “White Non-Hispanic”.

This suggests that there is quite a well-known category of person as a “white identifying Hispanic” or “White Hispanic”. Now, you, having lived your life in the lifetime “tenure” of wingnut welfare, has never needed to devote any time, how they say, looking for real employment. But if you ever had to participate in the “All-Sainted Free Market, glory be its name” you might have known that and looked slightly less like an idiot here.

Just saying.

Even at this late date, if he were to use his mother’s maiden name as part of a hyphenated last name, he would earn more empathy.

… Is that how you think hyphenated names work? That people are just willfully adding or subtracting them just to confuse racists like you?

How paranoid would you have to be to think-

Ah, suddenly it makes perfect sense why the Zimmerman case would have such personal resonances for you.

Unfortunately, he found himself pigeonholed as a white conservative vigilante, not a Hispanic Democrat, and that has made all the difference in his media profile.

I think people are more upset at the you know, black kid gunned down in cold blood while the police let his obvious deranged killer walk free. Or possibly the bullying witnesses and inventing false evidence to defend the killer because of racial reasons thing.

Also, I think no one really was identifying him with white conservatives until white conservatives adopted Zimmerman as their Mumia Abu-Jamal.

3) The hysteria is not just over the death of a young African-American male, because hundreds are tragically killed to near silence every year, 94 percent of them by other African-American males.

This is the problem with having a disastrously different view of the purpose of institutions than most people and indeed your own arguments. See, for wingnuts, the purpose of law enforcement is to enforce hierarchies. Rich over poor, white over black, male over female, religious over non-religious. But they still need to do lip service that they are there to serve and protect.

But it leads to things like that statement, where they seem utterly baffled that people could be upset at a miscarriage of justice.

Why would people be mad? A nigger is dead at the hands of a social better and no one in power cares. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Fuck, this law was written entirely to make events like this legal thanks to selective enforcement. That people would find that unfair, unjust, and a travesty is just… unthinkable. Right?

Sadly, No, fuckwad.

Nor is the outrage over a supposed white war against black men

Why would that even be a considered reason, much less the only alternative reason? I mean, I know IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION, but damnitt boy, you’re supposed to hide it a little.

, given that in incidents of interracial crime, the latter kill the former far more frequently.

BULLSHIT.

Epic level reversal of reality in service to paranoid racist ideology. Ah, wingnuts are nothing if not predictable.

Nor is it just over the decision, so far, of the police not to arrest and indict George Zimmerman, because hundreds of black assailants of other blacks each year find themselves not charged for capital crimes, because of the proven difficulties of obtaining critical affidavits, and the reluctance of eye-witnesses to come forward in the inner-city. In general, there are no marches or demonstrations over what has become a case of sheer carnage of one particular racial and gender group in our cities, or the frequent inability to bring murder suspects to trial. Finally, if the deceased had been white, and there are numerous whites killed each year in self-defense cases, with the facts as we know them so far unchanged, there would be zero national interest.

Translation: I’m sorry, but I’ve already done 2 paragraphs without devolving into my usual shtick of ranting about them niggers getting all the getting and the upcoming race war and all the other paranoid KKK racist delusions that infest my every waking moment in disquietingly similar ways to Zimmerman. As such, allow me to go apeshit for a long paragraph before going back to pretend-reserved “reasons” for why dat dere nigger deserved to die.

4) There are no such things any more as overtly recognized racial smears

…

Is this the KKK version of the “I Have a Dream” speech?

I have a dream that mankind won’t recognize overt racism anymore and we can go back to ranting about the niggers.

at least not in the absolute sense. They now depend on perceptions of who says what and why, a relative condition. The country is obsessed with decoding a scratchy tape to ascertain whether Mr. Zimmerman said “cold, coons, goons, or punks,” with the idea that if the garbled word proves a racial slur then we have the magical key that will supposedly unlock the case

The scratchy tape being the 911 call in a long series of 911 calls wherein Mr. Zimmerman worked himself in to a feverish froth at the perfidy and innate criminality of every single black man he ever saw.

I also like that he thinks this is some debatable argument about Mr. Zimmerman’s racism. As if the matter wasn’t brutally settled and made obsolete by his cold-blooded murder of an unarmed black child because “black people are scary”, much less the obscene miscarriage of justice being perpetrated by the local cops.

Yes, Hanson, you’ll prove to your Klan buddies that Zimmerman wasn’t racist because of the kerning of the audio recording or James O’Keefe wearing a dress or some such shit.

And that will totally matter against the overt painful racism of the case. Ayup.

— even as the late Travyon Martin self-identified himself with the N-word on his Twitter account and used it of his friends. No one can explain why Mr. Martin felt a need to so self-identify; no one seems to care; and no one can provide rules of the conditions under which (who says it, and when, why, how) society must deplore the use of such an epithet.

Um, because it’s part of a long tradition of reclaiming hateful epithets so as to remind a minority group of the legacy of bigotry against them and a reclamation of their identity to resist? The same way that gay people will refer to themselves as gays, dykes, fags, or queers but that doesn’t mean that bigots wanting them to die are any less hated or hateful? Because you avoiding the word nigger in this post doesn’t any less remove the overwhelming stench of your aching desire to scream it out in its original context coming from every sentence of this acrid mess?

Nope, that’s silly. Obviously, if he ever called himself a nigger or sung along with a rap song, then he’s obviously a worthless mud person and we can stop worrying about who shot him in cold blood or who’s been rushing to trivialize the matter in gross and insensitive ways.

5) The country is unhinged and pays no attention to simple logic.

I know. I mean, logically, no matter one’s viewpoints on the races, one’s views of the roles of police, or one’s views of gun laws or specifically the “Stand Your Ground” law, this should be universally upsetting and painful in its injustice.

In fact, for bitter gun-nut racists, who think the police need to keep the black man down, they should be even more upset as such an obvious miscarriage and abuse of their favored tools just makes them personally look bad and thus anger them on an even deeper level.

But sadly, a distinct 27% of people are unhinged and so we have a surging tide of support not for a kid gunned down in the street, but rather his killer.

It’s enough to make you sick. And I’m proud that we can both agree about tha-

The mother of Trayvon Martin deplores society’s supposed media obsession over her son, even as she seeks to trademark her son’s name for traditional marketing purposes, after avowing her legal efforts are only to protect his legacy. We are to deplore the use of past information about Mr. Martin that might lend background information to the case (past suspensions, possible drug use, alleged possession of possible stolen items, etc.) that seems at odds with the narratives provided by the media, but simultaneously must be told that in the past Mr. Zimmerman was a vigilante, racist, had brushes with the law, was a bad credit risk, etc. In short, we are to accept that background information is a relative issue, and a necessary means only if it leads to proper ends.

Oh. You just mean that when you try and smear a kid who was just gunned down in cold blood as if a past parking ticket would deserve murder, that it’s a travesty that people note that you are hideous ghouls.

And when you force a mother to trademark her son to keep vultures from exploiting the dead, then that means that she’s a greedy Welfare Queen driving a Cadillac past Zimmerman’s house while she staples made up pasts to his door.

…

No, you fucking piece of trash, it doesn’t matter what Trayvon Martin did (not that you can even manage to find anything, though lord knows, you’ve been trying), because there is no, zero, nada, zip, zilch, NOT ONE DAMN justification for gunning down an innocent child in the middle of the fucking street as if laws ceased to fucking matter, you vile excuse for a human being!

I mean, yes, makes perfect sense. I now see that black people can do no right and “white” people can do no wrong and anyone who says otherwise are the real racists.

6) There really is no law. The Martins have legitimate questions about the absence of an indictment

Oh, do they now? Cause it seems you wrote a ten-point post claiming quite the opposite.

, as do many in this country who are unhappy with the use of self-defense pleas. That said, no one believes the Black Panthers will be charged with a felony for posting an open-season bounty on Mr. Zimmerman; no one believes that Spike Lee’s deliberate attempt to incite a mob reaction at the Zimmerman residence will even be considered a misdemeanor; and no one believes that a crowd of protestors detouring into a pharmacy to loot it will face arrests for theft.

…

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, notice anything about those “evil” actions that seems a little off, besides the fact that police regularly do use things like “claimed lootings” to round up all legal protesters and arrest them overnight?

Yeah, none of them shot a kid in cold blood and then personally received a “yeah, just walk on home, you’re good” from the cops.

If someone decided to shoot a young child relative of Zimmerman’s, do you really think that person would even spend one minute outside the confines of a jail cell for the rest of their natural born lives?

Everyone believes that if he were to emulate any of the above behavior in a non-racially-charged case, he would most surely risk some sort of legal repercussions.

Except he wouldn’t. As demonstrated. Seeing as how it took a backlash at the naked and open racism to even get any attention for the gross miscarriage of justice.

I shouldn’t make fun. I mean, it’s a standard problem for wingnuts. Being time travelers from the late 1800s, they have difficulty with smaller increments of time and thus have difficulty sorting through the order of events with regards to anything that takes longer than 150 years. It’s really is a serious and tragic disability.

Snrk.

7) There can be no more presidential editorializing. In this case, the Gates matter, the Fluke incident, and the Giffords tragedy, the president weighed in only to find his commentary either unsupported by facts, premature, prejudicial, or abjectly partisan. Nor will the attorney general weigh in, given that he has lost credibility after nonsensically calling the nation “cowards” for not wishing for a dialogue on race on his terms, referring to African-Americans as “my people,” and alleging racism as the cause of congressional questioning of his handling of the Fast and Furious debacle.

How dare there be a black President!

Yeah, he knows it has no connection to Trayvon Martin either, but since as a dedicated white supremacist, he has been in physical pain since the Inauguration, things like this have to erupt at least once a post for dear old Vickie Boy.

8) Mr. Zimmerman indeed may be guilty of second-degree murder, some sort of manslaughter, criminal negligence, or innocent by reason of self-defense.

Skittles are a dangerously underlooked method of beheading a man in his sleep.

If Zimmerman hadn’t stalked the kid repeatedly and extensively, to the point that the kid had to call 911 on him, directly ignoring direct police orders to stop following the kid and gunned that voodoo man down, then Martin would have been able to slip bedroom to bedroom ending lives with casual abandon.

He really tried to stop, but truly carefully planned deliberate execution of an innocent was the the truest form of unplanned self-defense.

But we are at a point now where such considerations have become secondary to the larger agendas of activists. Mr. Sharpton, Mr. Jackson, the Black Panther Party, the Black Caucus, Spike Lee, and others may feel their invective and shoot-from-the-hip allegations are necessary to ensure an indictment, given the history of racial bias in this country; but fairly or not that aim seems secondary to their larger interests in racial scapegoating and acrimony for careerist reasons. Of course, they are not worried about such criticism, but it nonetheless is widely shared, as the opportunism and lack of ethics of the current self-identified civil-rights establishment is becoming a national consensus.

Huh, I scanned that entire word salad of racial resentment and not once spotted the words “evidence of self-defense”, “proof that Trayvon Martin was the actual aggressor”, or “all of the appeared evidence is wrong because of this highly detailed list of highly documented and strongly supported evidence showing that Trayvon Martin used his voodoo body-switching powers to take over Zimmerman’s body and stalk and shoot his scared victim.”

Cause, otherwise, that first sentence would be some BS wishful thinking on the part of an obscene racist exploiting a grave miscarriage of justice to rant about how the niggers need to die and how mean it is that liberals refuse to stop calling racists racists.

9) Most who editorialize so passionately on this case, black and white, live in cities, but most likely as far away from those neighborhoods and inner-city schools where murder is an epidemic as they can.

So, they live in cities, but not inside of cities. And living in cities means you don’t understand how obvious miscarriages of justice really work… and we should listen instead to the viewpoints of rural and suburban whites like you, whose notion of what “inner-city” schools are like come from watching Fox News and reading Stormfront?

Uh huh. Are you sure “damn niggers are animals anyways, did a favor to gun em down before another one did em in” wouldn’t have been shorter and less obvious?

Also, do I still get counted if I note that not only do I live in a city and neighborhood filled with the “them” as it were, but a good 85% of my students are exactly the “inner-city” schools you’re selling poisonous lies about?

Cause, I rather like the Trayvon Martins in my classes. They got a good sense of humor and really react well to finally being treated with respect for once in their lives.

They are engaging in de facto profiling in every aspect of their and their childrens’ lives, based on general perceptions, personal experience, and statistical data. Profiling and stereotyping are for others; a “good” or “safe” area is for the more sensitive and educated.

… Wait.

Because whites living in cities aren’t profiling all black people as inherent criminals and all inner cities as crime-ridden hell holes filled with tyke monsters and all white suburban neighborhoods as glorious wonderlands filled with angel children who would never do anything wrong…

We’re the real profiling racists?

That doesn’t even begin to approximate sense.

Have you even forgotten how the “you’re the real racists” card is supposed to work in your desperate last ditch effort for white supremacy?

That’s just more sad than anything. Like when she looked at me with those tear filled eyes… and asked why, why was I doing this… I couldn’t even answer her… why couldn’t I answer her?

10) If an outsider were dispassionately to collate the public statements of the Black Caucus, the number of widely publicized racial controversies, and the charges of racism and counter-racism in the last three years, then one would conclude that racial relations, at least at the media and sensationalized level, from 2009–2012 were both far more emphasized and far worse, and the country far more polarized, than at any time in recent memory.

But…

Oh sure, you know and I know that this has been rather dispassionately collated and monitored in actual actions and on multiple levels looking at the comments and actions of blacks, whites, and culture in general, but you know and I know that you’re not going to just let it stand.

So, let’s hear it. What’s your big BS counter to the rather glaring obvious reality of racism in America 2009-2012? A problem so grave that the Right literally can’t help itself, diving to the defense of a modern lyncher in their hatred of everything black-identified.

In short, we are entering a dangerous phase in which millions of Americans have resigned themselves to allowing elites to construct one sort of reality, while they disengage from it and privately live quite another.

…

There is no but.

Okay, sure there is an implied but. Like, hey, “millions of America” are obviously delusional about reality, must be those crazy black people who think that having their kids gunned down in the street while the police literally shrug their shoulders is a problem.

But see, you left it open to the obvious accurate reading without changing a word.

And as such, I must say I completely agree with this point. Millions of America have indeed completely detached themselves from reality, allowing their racial resentments to divorce them from even the most basic moralities.

Certainly that will be my excuse when the cops arrive. Well, that and I was just defending myself. I mean, that little girl’s teddy was clearly a threat to my life that I’d have to be a psycho to have ignored.

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The Tranny Nanny In The Woodpile

ABOVE: A forensic reconstruction of Robin of Berkeley’s appearance

Shorter Robin of Bezerkley, A Licensed Psychotherapist, Her Eponymous Blog
Mitt Romney’s Transgendered Ex-Nanny Outcast

• Mitt Romney would make a better President than Obama because Romney, unlike Obama, did not have a transvestite nanny

Sadly No! fave Robin of Bezerkely has been unusually quiet lately, leading me to wonder if she had perhaps finally succumbed to a paranoia-induced tragedy of some kind such as a desperate suicide attempt with a can of gasoline, a ball of yarn and a package of Pop Tarts. Happily, however, Robin is alive and well and back to posting in true form.

Her latest post starts with the a “what if?” hypothetical, a thought experiment beloved of right-winger bloggers which runs along the lines of “Can you imagine how [the press would squall/liberals would clamor/Democrat Congress members would wallow in outrage] if [George Bush/John Boehner/Mitt Romney/Rush Limbaugh] had [masturbated/picked nose boogers/killed a Muslim/cried during a speech/put a dog on a roof/traveled to a sex tourism spot with a bottle of Viagra]? So, Robin, writes a hypothetical in which Mitt Romney had a cross dressing nanny in Indonesia, which she follows up with this:

Oh, man, I was cracking up writing this.

People who are allegedly “licensed” psychotherapists should probably think long and hard before admitting that they sit in an empty room with a computer laughing at their own jokes, particularly when the jokes in question aren’t even mildly snort-worthy.

Yahoo and the New York Times have both run stories about Obama’s Transgendered Ex-Nanny (I love the “ex” part; how great they clarified that Turdi is a “former” nanny.)

Actually, the New York Times did not have the “ex” part but it’s hard to criticize Robin for this delusion when she has so many others deserving of more immediate attention.

The MSM reports all this with a straight face.

Apparently Robin is puzzled that reporters might not sit at their laptops cracking up at their own jokes as she does.

And the programmed public don’t blink an eye.

If the liberal media had not turned the public into a legion of Obamabots oblivious to the dangers of inappropriate wardrobe choices on early childhood development, we would be having mass demonstrations in the street demanding Obama’s impeachment because he once had a dodgy nanny.

Of course, if Mitt or Newt or Rick Santorium had a cross-dressing nanny, this likely would have elicited more of a reaction.

Romney’s parents told him that if he wore magic underwear he would inherit his own planet and Santorum waved a dead fetus in front of his children, but all this, of course, for Robin pales in front of having a cross-dressing nanny at age nine. Where exactly did Robin get that license in psychotherapy? From the Alabama Department of Motor Vehicles?

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

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See his next book, Liberal Stupidheads Who Are Stupid

MOMMY, THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO WORK! TELL THEM MOMMY! IT’S LIKE TWENTY UMPTEEN MILLION HITLERS AND SO THERE! STUPIDHEADS!

Jonah Goldberg, America’s Shittiest Website :
Me and Black America

It’s apparently National Review week here at Sadly, No. Today’s easy meat for the mincer is good ol’ Loadpants Goldberg himself.

You see, something terrible happened to him. Something unforgivably malevolent, something that brought home in uncertain terms who the real victims are in this world of ours.

That is, he was… lightly mocked… DUH DUH DUH.

And to our nation’s wingnuts, having your ignorant codswallop of ideas lightly deflected by good-natured people willing to find the bright-side in your ignorance is ten times worse than any actual oppression that whiny liberal whiners whine about.

But remember, it is liberals who make mountains out of molehills and are just looking for something to complain about. What? IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION? Never heard of it.

• Being lightly mocked for being an ignorant racist ass casually dismissing basic observable reality is proof that liberals are the real fascists… racists too.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Apparently the Problem is That Being a Public School Teacher Doesn’t Suck Enough

We will not stop until whining drunken parents have the right of life and death over teachers.

Mona Charen, National How Do These Fucks Earn Their Paychecks, Oh Right, Jonah Goldberg is Executive Editor:
Democrats and Teacher Tenure

When last we left Mona Charen she was losing a fight against her own spell-check software.

So obviously, she is more than qualified to weigh in on matters of education. Because obviously an education system that could produce a mind like hers has rather glaring flaws needing addressing.

And while you or I may suspect it has to do with massive underfunding of schools, over-emphasis on meaningless tests than actual education standards, and constant meddling by Evangelical leaders who fear education will turn their children away from Jesus might form some of the main problems, Mona Charen has her finger on the real problem.

That is, she’s frigging herself like a madwoman while she shits out the standard “teachers are evil” post that every wingnut is required to by law ever since Gov. Walker and the Koch-sucking Brigade declared war on teachers over in Wisconsin.

Allow her to explain:

• The only way we’ll get good teachers in our schools is to make the job so unpleasant, abusive, and underpaid that the only people who’d take the job are child molesters.

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Let Them Eat Poorly Constructed Analogies

And somehow this photoshop is less insulting than what he’s actually doing.

Deroy Murdock, Professional Cockbags Online*:
Minimum Wage: $100 Per Hour?

Wingnuts have discovered snark.

And much like a colony of lemurs discovering an insterstellar spacecraft, find themselves unable to do anything with it other than sniff it suspiciously and occasionally urinate upon it.

But one brave lemur has decided to climb into the cockpit and take a turn at the controls. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

• Because I can imagine large numbers and have no understanding of how analogies work, people have no need to eat or procure shelter. Also, minimum wages are fascism

No, lemur! You’re tunneling into the center of the Earth! No, not that button! That’s the Positronic Overload Button, if you use that now, the entire planet will be…

Sigh, and Earth used to be such a nice planet to visit.

Now, you can rest easy trusting the Shorter or you can join us in the jungles of below the fold starting…
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Damn You Time-Traveling Bill Ayers!

Birthermania, conservatives’ answer to Woodstock.

Monte Kuligowski, The Nice Folks at American Thinker:
Birthermania!

Man, lately it has seemed that all my job is has been bouncing between outlandish conspiracy theories that want to claim that everyone and their mother is all in on the plot to keep an impossibility from being acknowledged as fact.

I guess it’s because the 2012 election season is looking to be little more than choosing a GOP goat for Obama to sacrifice on the altar for Soros (may He be praised always). So the conservatives are starting early on the whole “it was the schemes within schemes that stole this election from us” so as to try and obfuscate how deeply unpopular rooting for a return to 13th century values has been.

So, it’s nice. It really is a fucking refreshing breeze to see that while our good friends at the American Thinker have added full-on Birther lunatics to the blogroll, they’ve also pulled in a few saner voices to say, “no, that’s finally a bridge too far for us”.

Sure, it’s probably only for self-preservation and admittedly, I haven’t read anything but the title. But why should I? That title is a proud declaration that the Birthers are maniacs who no longer are in the good graces of the conservative movement.

It’s really the little victories. Now let’s dive in to what is surely a refreshing little jaunt.
Read the rest of this entry »

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Obama Must Have Been the Most Badass 10-Year-Old Ever!

If I can just get ten Obamas in a row, then the 2008 election never happened. (P.S. Thanks Tintin)

Jack Cashill, American Conspiracy Theory Breeding Ground:
What the Mailman Knows about Ayers and Obama

What the mailman…

Sorry, one sec.

What the mailman knows about Ayers and Obama…

…

Congratulations. Tha may very well be the crackiest title I’ve read yet for this site and I’ve read multiple articles about the Girl Scouts being sluts for Satan and a guy who feared an impending gynocracy because of a year-old report on a different subject.

You should be very proud of yourself Jack Cashill.

And then you should be restrained before you do harm to yourself or others.

• Hey, remember back in the 2008 election season where we tried to tie Obama to the scariest liberal guy we could think of and created an elaborate conspiracy theory that was so insane and filled with racist baggage that it elicited little more than sad pity and occasional laughter? Yeah… We spent the last 4 years making it crazier and more convoluted than you can possibly imagine.

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I Scream Of Jeannie

Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, The American Genius:
The Trenton Toilet Paper Shortage

• The shortage of toilet paper in city offices in Trenton is proof that Obama’s health care reform law will fail.

I have always had a soft spot for Jeannie DeAngelis’s unequaled wackiness. I delight in the way her equal mixture of deluded paranoia and Obama butthurt can take the simplest things, like you know, Michelle Obama eating a tamale, and turn it into proof of some grand uppity Negro conspiracy to force Jeannie and all other White conservative women to receive their medical care from turbaned, bearded and curry-scented Hindoo faqirs whose only medical education consist of mail order degrees in chiropractics and hepatoscopy.

But this time, I think Jeannie has lost her touch. Yes, the absence of toilet paper in Trenton public buildings and the certain failure of a plan to provide insurance for everyone is an enormous non-sequitur, equal to any that has ever served as a basis for a Jeannie column. But still it seems lazy and desperate. It’s sort of like the flame of her own inner demons of black persecution and victimization has lost its heat and she is now just grasping for connections. The spot on Joe Biden’s tie is proof that he’s in charge of the FEMA concentration camps. The tornado in Tennessee is proof of Obama’s plans to establish Sharia law and give our country away to the Iranians.

Right now in Trenton, it’s just toilet paper. What happens when a federally appointed healthcare panel spends precious time discussing whether a “cash-strapped” country can still afford chemotherapy, or long-term dialysis? It’s inconvenient when you can’t get any toilet paper, but it can be fatal when you run out of health care.

Yes, indeed, it can be fatal, Jeannie, which is why, of course, we passed the Affordable Care Act in the first place, you vile moron.

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What’s More The Kid Was Armed With A Pack Of Skittles*

ABOVE: Dan McLaughlin**

Shorter Dan McLaughlin, Red White State:
Trayvon Martin and Perspective

*Cf.
**More on Dan here.

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What Women DO NOT WANT!

Helen-Bot Cannot Process Input Legitimate Female Concern, Switching to Paranoid Delusion Default Mode Instead

Dr. Helen, PJ Media Lifestyles Section:
What is the Equivalent of Abortion for Men?

No, wait, hold up.

Oh we’ll get to the complete WTF of the title and the fact that this so-called advice column was penned by the malfunctioning robot dating the malfunctioning robot known as Glenn Reynolds in a second.

Pajamas Media has a Lifestyles section?

Pajamas Media has a Lifestyles section?!?

WHY?!?

The average Lifestyles section of a newspaper is a blinking red tombstone, a gaudy testament to the archaic views of the octogenarians running and reading it. The half-formed sexist thoughts of the not-yet-decayed as they try and imagine what dem dere girls would want to read what with the big bad words of the News sections being too hard for their little woman brains to deal with.

So why in Hell would you want to duplicate the format online and worse yet, why would you ever let the depraved wingnuts of the world have a venue to approximate what they think women want to read?!?

These are people trying to make rape a part of gyno exams and arguing that the rhythm method is the only contraceptive women should be allowed access to. Do we really want to hear them try and pull a Mel Gibson and give us a nightmare version of “What our Stereotypical Idea of Women Want”?

No, no one in the entire cosmos wants this and yet it exists.

Ugh, fine. What’s today’s post about?
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Lloyd Cries at the End (A Racist Rant Story)

John Bennett at a barbeque with friends.

John Bennett, American Shanker:
A Black Male Teacher for Every Student!

I don’t even need to start. Heck, I don’t even need to write this post. You know what you are in for with just the title line. The headline is literally a dogwhistle being held by a KKK Grand Wizard as he tries to rant through the whistle about how much he hates black people.

So let’s just skip to the shorter and get on with it.

• Diversity! Pah, I will not rest until the negro children and wimminfolk are uneducable chattel and only the proud noble white man is allowed to be in a school as either teacher or student.

…

Oh goody, we’re in for a “treat”, aren’t we?
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Totally Not Just a Placeholder Post

Totally not just a picture stolen from Tintin so I can rush this out the door as a half-baked apology for the delays.

Totally because I’ve learned to appreciate the joy of shorters and totally not because I need something to put up as I work on the long posts you have gone too long without here this week, I have a shorter for you all:

Shorter James Simpson, American Thinker:
Encouraging Signs in Maryland

• Now you may think that the insane teabaggery might be related to our ugly looking 2012 poll numbers, but really that is nothing to worry about because I personally know a couple of teabaggers who will totally win in Maryland talking about the evils of anyone who isn’t white. Ah yeah, it’s all coming up Republican now!

If any are brave enough to jump off the boat. Please do enjoy my favorite mangos including when he told his readers to go mass troll ACORN’s old head for noting that Breitbart tanked his organization’s old standing on false bullshit, as well as trying to argue that the DREAM ACT and trying to form a compromise with the Catholic Theocracy Club were proof that Obama is just trying to manipulate the Illuminati to make the Republicans look bad and that therefore it’s an act of desperation that makes Obama look bad.

No, seriously.

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Thesaurus is Unconstimatutional

OMG! Writing iz Hard! How U ErrAz Pen WRiTng on Com Putter Screen?!? Iz Impossible! (Burp) (Fart)

Mona Charen, National Depantsing:
Gender-Specific Writer

• The crappy in-program proofreader on my discount word processing program is a secret liberal plot to steal my freedom to write terribly.

Sigh.

I write for free for a comedy website in the spare evenings after a hard day spent educating overly excited munchkins, usually after I’ve also spent a couple of hours tutoring in multiple subjects.

To do that I make sure I have a reasonable command of the English language, strong mastery of writing and editing in wordpress, strong command of html for post writing, additional mastery in my main word processing software for times like now when wordpress is fucking up, and have been training myself in GIMP so I can photoshop wingnuts onto toilets a quarter as well as Tintin, and I try and always proofread my epics before I throw it up (and yet, they still look like they do).

I do all these things because despite the fact that this is free work in my suddenly rare free time, I care about the quality of my output and want to make it something worth the time you spend reading it

This isn’t to elicit pity, solicit kudos, or to try and make writing third-rate snark sound like some herculean task (I mean, seriously, this shit writes itself). But rather, an important note to set the scene.

Cause see, I do this for free. If I was being paid for it. If say, writing posts for the internet was my main source of income, you’d damn well be sure I’d be even more meticulous and probably use half the penis jokes I do now (or double them, one or the other). Cause it’d be my fucking job, my fucking livelihood.

…

Mona Charen is supposedly a professional writer.

Mona Charen makes her living writing opinion pieces on the web and in print. She probably makes more in a year writing for various wingnut welfare programs than I can even dream of. It is her, to repeat myself, fucking livelihood.

Why am I making such a big deal pointing all this out?

Because Mona Charen… wrote an article for the National Review in which she picked a fight with her proofreading software… and lost… and then turned in the saga… and was paid for it…

Yeah…

Apparently I’m in the wrong fucking field.
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Girl Scouts, Satan, and You

“Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?” “To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective”
(Picture courtesy of Jennifer of 3 Weird Sisters)

Betsy M. Galliher, Where Do You Think? They Write Half Our Material These Days:
Girl Scouts: The Awful Truth

No.

Just no. I refuse to believe this is a thing. I refuse to believe that the right-wing really is doubling down on demonizing the fucking Girl Scouts as evil slutty mcslut sluts. Nope, not doing it.

I mean sure, there was that open letter by Bob Morris, but this was rural Indiana and this was after the Republican Party in 2010 started running the most insane third-stringers it could find for all of its offices.

And yeah, there were all those websites, but fuck, the TimeCube guy has a website. It’s not hard for the schizophrenics of the world to learn enough web design to follow a wordpress template. Hell, even I can manage it.

So no, I’m refusing to believe it-

• The Girl Scouts are literally the Rainbow Squirts from the Milkman Conspiracy (google it) and are being trained to become nubile young lesbo sluts for our Liberal Overlords.

Oh goddamn it.

Fine. Apparently, the right-wing has decided that just arguing that Catholic Bishops have the right to ban everyone’s contraception everywhere, trying to pass Ultrasound Rape Bills as “abortion education bills” in every state, and screaming at the top of their lungs that they think every non-asexual woman is a dirty slut who deserves death just isn’t quite enough to show the world how much they despise and hope for the death of women.

As such, we’ve got them doubling down as well on a minor controversy that I had assumed dead about how the Girl Scouts were supposedly Slutty Hitler Clones because some of the people who support them also support adult women being human beings as well. Oh fuck it, it’s so stupid, I’m gonna let Betsy Von Sant explain it instead:
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Double, Double Boil and Twitter

ABOVE: Andrew Breitbart (left drunk) and Cynthia Yockey (right stupid)

Shorter Cynthia Yuckly, America’s Dumbest Lesbian™ aka A Conservative Lesbian:
What I propose to protect conservatives under attack on Twitter

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They Can’t All Be the Unfinished Symphony

And in breaking news, Andrew Breitbart is still dead.

America’s Worst Unemployed Lawyer, the Supposed Non-Virgin Ben Shapiro, Big Everything:
The Vetting: Obama Embraces Racialist* Prof

Some people on their deathbed leave works of enigmatic quality and stunning revelation that make us ache to know what could have been if they hadn’t been struck dead while trying to complete their work. Such works seem to evoke a mythic quality, both a clue to the creation process of a genius as well as a testament to our flitting mortality and the way death does not kindly wait for convenience.

So too could Breitbart’s final project (an “expose of Obama’s college days”) have been…

You know, if he wasn’t a hack whose only success came off passing work to 3rd rate videographer hacks to form poorly edited video which would have remained in wingnut conspiracy theory limbo if the Bought and Sold Media weren’t desperate for something, anything to create a “both sides do it” controversy as distraction from the various racist/sexist temper tantrums the Right were throwing up in 2009.

But still, Breitbart’s minions, desperate to retain their jobs now that the personality whose cult they formed has shuffed the coil, have decided to “honor” their old boss by posting what their boss had in attempted fanfare.

Sadly, seeing as this is Sadly, No favorite Ben Shapiro trying to do the honoring, it’s even more inept than you would initially suspect. Let me give you the shorter:

• A black man hugged another black man in front of a crowd that contained at least one black person. If this isn’t directly parallel to a Klu Klux Klan meeting, I don’t know what is.

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So wait… Bitch, I’m Sorry You Were Offended Isn’t a Real Apology?!? Since When?

LEAVE RUSHBO ALONE!

Ned Barnett, The Comedy Goldmine Known as American Thinker:
The Apology-Gotcha Game

Okay, I’m going to try and go against all my verbosity instincts and put the shorter first as if I was a real poster. Okay, here, we go… c’mon… almost there…

• Our insincere apologies being treated as the insincere backhanded apologies that they are is proof that we should never ever apologize for being reproachable lowlifes and thus doubling down is the only legitimate strategy.

Oh Bob in Himmel, that was harder than I thought it would be. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I make for you all.

So, moving back into my comfort zone of over-long treatises, today’s offering is yet another in the long line of wingnuts rushing to the aid of Lord Rushbo the First, King among Assholes.

Cause for what would only be like the second time in his life, he’s actually facing consequences for deciding to double down on the contraceptive fail (cause something like 99% of Americans use at least one form of contraceptive protection) with a prolonged stint of attempted slut shaming.

And so he released the usual half-hearted, back-handed, and insincere apology assholes give when they’ve been caught and want to make their critiques shut up. You know the type: “I’m sorry you were offended”, “I’m sorry that this private message was released publicly”, “I’m sorry that you feel so bad about me stabbing your mom in the neck, but maybe if she wasn’t such a cunt, I wouldn’t have had to stab a bitch. What? I said I was sorry!”
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Don’t Tell Me, We’re About to Go Over a Huge Waterfall. Yep. Sharp rocks on the Bottom? Most Likely. Bring it on.

The True Face of Satan according to every wingnut everywhere according to the long-standing and deeply held beliefs that the’ve had since about 11 o’clock last monday.

Tina Korbe, Assistant Malkin at Hot Air:
Georgetown co-ed*: Please pay for us to have sex … We’re going broke buying birth control**

So when we last left the intrepid Republicans on the contraception debate, they were busy trying to faceplant themselves so hard, their noses were perfectly flat.

Well, while I was off being detained on rumors of Columbian drug running
dashing and intrepid in my regular job, the Right decided to double down on the fail train and go “missing track ahead? That’ll be no threat to Full Throttle!”

First they had their achingly bad “forum on contraception” completely made up of skeezy old uncles you’d expect to see in a police line-up of the local pedophiles. Then King Rushbo, Lord of the Drug Mountain decided to come up from snorting some coke of the ass of an 8-year old Guatemalan boy to try and steal Michelle Malkin and Andrew Breitbart’s shtick and decided to smear whatever poor unlucky bastard ended up trying to report the reality counter to the latest right-wing obsession in congress (and the organization of this is totally not at all harassment intended to prevent the other side from having adequate defense of their position on a national level, no no no).

Enter in Sandra Fluke, who pointed out the no shit in the debate that contraception, especially female contraception, can be a pretty weighty expense and burden on women. Lord Rushbo decides to dedicate his show to calling her a slut, gets blowback, and now all of Wingnuttia is fucked.

They need to defend their lord and master, distributor of the Talking Points, but the tiny vestigal organ in their brains dedicated to self-preservation keeps trying to tell them that the faster they abandon this whole contraception tangent, the better chance they have of being able to endure as Professional Women Haters going into the future. Sadly, for them, Wingnuttia just can’t help itself. The rocks call to them, they must jump.
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So … Obama’s a Cross Between Huey Freeman and Shaggy from Scooby Doo?

IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION demands 70 posts on the subject of how scared Obama is of the upcoming general election.

Kevin Jackson, American Shitflinger:
Ten Indications that Obama is Scared

So Kevin Jackson, the black equivalent of a Jew urging his fellow inmates to stop bitching about the showers and just shove in already, has after years of selling his soul for little gain, looked at the looming presidential election and began hyperventilating.

But of course, at our favorite punching bag, the American Thinker, this doesn’t mean a sobering reflection on the series of bad choices that has brought his failure of a life to where it lies now. No, no, no!

No, instead, he’s decided that his fears are now proof that Obama is scared of the election and has decided to try to come up with 10 reasons besides “nuh uh, you’re the one with no chance in the general”. He doesn’t exactly succeed.

And since I’m feeling extra nice, have a free shorter:

• Obama running for re-election is proof that he’s up to evil blackity black black plots. Also he’s scared of our turgid Republican cocks.

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