Clutch Player

Evil Spock hopes you were paying attention to the wide world of sports over the weekend. There was a game going on that Evil Spock wasn't sure was being televised. Americans have an insatiable appetite for the fine arts, therefore sports usually takes an undeserved backseat as a form of entertainment here in the States. For example, you can hardly catch a good sporting event on your local PBS affiliate.

The game Evil Spock was talking about was fantastic. It was your classic David versus Goliath, but this time David won! There was so much drama and excitement, Evil Spock could barely contain Evil Spock's self. Evil Spock won't forget that special moment; the one big play that snatched victory from the jaws of imminent victory.

That play being of course Evil Spock catching for what will be forever known as "The Pass", and hitting a three on Evil Spock's first shot of the basketball match.

Many people (mostly Evil Spock) are still talking about all the controversies surrounding last Sunday's pickup game. Like how someone was mysteriously (some say miraculously) injured to allow Evil Spock to play. It was as if a magical, invisible Jeff Gillooly had taken a lead pipe to said player's leg just for Evil Spock to participate. Or how Evil Spock's foot was on the line when Evil Spock let his shot sail (poppycock!) Or the blown layup a couple of plays later that Evil Spock could've sworn that Evil Spock was fouled on. Nonetheless, Evil Spock was victorious, and as the saying goes, "it doesn't matter who wins or loses, as long as Evil Spock wins".

Basketball, along with online Scrabble and Guitar Hero, has been keeping Evil Spock busy while Evil Spock had been away from The Few. You see, Evil Spock was burned out from writing. Evil Spock had become so web-famous, that Evil Spock felt the weight of the worlds (Evil Spock is talking about Jupiter and Saturn, not that wussy "pseudo-planet" Pluto) on Evil Spock's broad shoulders. The pressure with keeping up with the accolades had become too much, so the words dried up, and all Evil Spock had to offer were clever one-liners and jokes about the Irish as opposed to well-though out, award-winning blogs.

Sometimes you can become so web-famous, that you end up being real-life famous. Like so famous that when Evil Spock gets a cup of coffee at Evil Spock's favorite coffee place, the barista smiles and says hi to you. Or how Evil Spock's in a grocery store, and they give Evil Spock the choice of paper or plastic! Evil Spock imagines this is how a Madonna or Brangelina refugee baby feels like!

It was all fun and games for awhile, and then all of sudden, there was Interweb Celebrity. Evil Spock didn't want this dubious "honor", and it became more of a hindrance than a benefit. Because of the blog, the spectre of Interweb Celebrity hounded Evil Spock on a daily basis.

Just like Visa, Interweb Celebrity was everywhere Evil Spock wanted to be. When Evil Spock went to work, Interweb Celebrity was there. When Evil Spock went to a a restaurant, Interweb Celebrity was there. When Evil Spock would go to the gym, Interweb Celebrity was there shouting slogans at Evil Spock whilst working out. Even when Evil Spock was in the bathroom, Interweb Celebrity was there, and curiously shouting the same slogans at Evil Spock from the gym. So weird.

The problem with Interweb Celebrity, is that Interweb Celebrity is fickle. Once Evil Spock stopped writing, Interweb Celebrity still haunted Evil Spock. Haunted Evil Spock so much, that Evil Spock couldn't even look at the blog without feeling guilty. Then the guilt started building and building, until Interweb Celebrity stabbed Evil Spock with a Proverbial knife between the shoulder blades.

Luckily, Evil Spock survived the stabbing, and Interweb Celebrity (AKA Miguel Sánchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk) has been caught and now is behind bars. They still haven't found the assault weapon (Interweb Celebrity's knife, Proverbial) but Evil Spock is confident that it'll be recovered.

Evil Spock fears Interweb Celebrity (AKA Miguel Sánchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk) no more.

Now that Interweb Celebrity is in a secret gulag, Evil Spock feels safe enough to come back to The Few and write again. With Evil Spock's return, there have been a few bumps along the way. Like how there are so many new people linking Evil Spock these days. If you've linked Evil Spock, and Evil Spock hasn't returned the favor please tell Evil Spock. Also during Evil Spock's absence, a few things didn't get done that were done last year. Namely The State of The Few and Superfan for 2007.

Evil Spock can take care of The State of The Few pretty quickly in this blog entry: Evil Spock wrote a lot of blog articles, stopped writing, and is now writing again. Unfortunately Superfan can't be as easily dealt with.

Evil Spock has a lot of apprehension about Superfan. Last year, it made a few bloggers more famouser, and Evil Spock believes they've had to deal with the curse of their own personal Miguel Sánchez. For those who are skeptical, just look at 2006's Superfans: two have stopped writing completely, and one is so bitter you could taste it. The only one who apparently came off unscathed (and who also happened to be the winner of Superfan 2006), became Ensign Redshirt, and now he has to deal with his own personal hell as Evil Spock's writer monkey.

Regardless, Evil Spock feels traditions are important, so Evil Spock is going to have another Superfan contest for 2007. Evil Spock will choose four long-time readers to write a paragraph on their favorite blog entry for the year of 2007 by Evil Spock. There will then be an election to see who is the biggest Superfan of them all for the year. Winner of Superfan will have The Needs of the Few for one day to espouse anything they want, and will also get a signed copy of a local newspaper that featured Evil Spock playing Guitar Hero III and looking like a general dork.

Evil Spock can only choose 4 candidates, so if you are interested, please say so in the comments section, or send an email to askevilspock@gmail.com Please use 2006 Superfan as a reference to see if you have the steely resolve to become Evil Spock's biggest stalker Superfan. Evil Spock will try to contact you via email to tell you if you qualified.

Evil Spock out!

Evil Spockolypse . . . Now!

Evil Spock is so upset. The weather barons had predicted a major winter storm for Bloomington, IN, or otherwise known as Evil Spock's Domicile of Devilish and Devious Doom (aka Tree City, USA.) Bloomington is usually woefully unprepared for hazardous winter conditions, so the city pretty much shuts down when there is any serious accumulation of snow and/or ice. This also means Evil Spock doesn't have to go to Evil Spock's day-job-of-do-goodery, since Evil Spock's work is closed during inclement weather.

Since Evil Spock was expecting a snow day, Evil Spock stayed up until 2:30AM, drinking whiskey and watching movies on IFC. Evil Spock reveled in the fact that Evil Spock would be able to sleep in, make pancakes, and do evil deeds all day on Friday.

Unfortunately, the snow never came, and now Evil Spock is at work and is dead-tired. Evil Spock wishes Evil Spock could control the weather like the People's Republic of China, or at the very least round up the Weather Channel people and "reeducate" them like the Chinese government. Evil Spock usually doesn't support torture, but Evil Spock is willing to make an exception in this case.

Anyway, its probably good that Evil Spock came to work today, since Jon Edwards dropped out the race to be POTUS in 2008. Jon Edwards platform for his Presidential run was to fight poverty, and since Evil Spock's day-job-of-do-goodery is in the forefront of the fight against poverty, Evil Spock will have to pick up some of the slack. Thanks a lot Edwards.

Mr. Edwards was the candidate Evil Spock supported for the POTUS run in 2008. Evil Spock had so much confidence in Mr. Edwards, that Evil Spock honestly thought about not running in 2012, and waiting until 2016 for the former senator to complete his reign. Since Evil Spock didn't have to pimp for 2012 anymore, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock could walk away from the blog for awhile, and possibly not write again until 2009. Now Evil Spock will have to stop resting on Evil Spock's laurels, and pimp Evil Spock's 2012 POTUS run, until Evil Spock can't pimps no more.

Since switching to the Godzilla-empowered Dems a couple of years ago, Evil Spock has enjoyed being on the winning team. Evil Spock and The Collective had thought that the Democrats would sweep into the White House in 2008, and Evil Spock wouldn't have to switch parties again. Sadly, 2008 doesn't seem like a lock anymore.

Before all the primaries started to happen, many pollsters and pundits said that Jon Edwards was the most electable candidate for the Democrats. Conversely, John McCain was the most electable from the GOP. They both appealed to the middle of America, and could probably draw voters from either Blue or Red voters. Purple voters if you will.

Surprisingly, the Democratic party must not care about electability, but Evil Spock should've figured that out with the nomination going to John Kerry in 2004. Obviously the Republicans care, because McCain is currently they're forerunner, and will probably get his party's nomination. This sets up a McCain versus Hillary battle, and the presidential race actually becomes an actual race, as opposed to a solid victory for the Democrats.

Evil Spock isn't counting out Barack Obama. Evil Spock really likes Obama, and will throw Evil Spock's support to him now that Edwards is out. But Evil Spock doesn't believe America is progressive as the John Q. Public would like you to believe. Race is still an issue in America. You've got the Jena Six hoopla and nooses on GolfWeek for crying out loud! Barack can't get a membership to some of the more exclusive country clubs in America, and you really think that'll it'll be a cakewalk for him to the White House?!? Evil Spock believes the veil of White Guilt and open-mindedness dissipates once those curtains close behind you in a polling booth.

Democrats must become more organized if they want to win in 2008. Sadly, McCain appeals to the middle of America far more than Barack or Hillary, and its always the middle and not the left and the right that elects a President.

If the GOP reigns supreme in 2008, you at least get the consolation of funny blogs from Evil Spock until Evil Spock and The Collective take the White House by hook or by crook in 2012.

Evil Spock out!

Ensign Redshirt: Back to the Future

Hello Evil Spock's precious Few. Evil Spock has now returned and will be perusing blogs to gather information for Evil Spock's upcoming invasion reading pleasures. Evil Spock has missed The Few very much, and will have a blog up for tomorrow.

Actually, Evil Spock wanted to post it today, but Ensign Redshirt constructed the most excellent excuse for Evil Spock's prolonged absence. Consider his musing the cheese course in Evil Spock's crazy buffet of life. The suckling pig and turducken that is Evil Spock's writing will here before you know it!

Evil Spock out!

I am happy to be back from an extended away mission, which required an even more extended recovery period after experiencing a number of near-fatal injuries. Despite being in magnetic traction in my hyper-baric chamber, I managed to catch up on all my paperwork and ongoing projects. It is at this time I can announce that we are nearing completion of an excitingly Evil project involving time displacement.

Evil Spock only appears to have been absent from The Few. Our fearless leader has actually been the primary subject of a time travel experiment that worked a little too well. One of the lesser ensigns—I think it was Yellowshirt; what a loser—accidentally added an extra digit on the chronolosticaligizer interface and sent Evil Spock a bit too far into the future. Unfortunately, that gaffe caused a disruption in the blog-space continuum, creating a void of content. On the upside, Our Vulcan missed the Colts' playoff loss.

Our calculations are projecting an imminent return. Thanks for your patience. If you are interested in participating in our post-displacement study, let us know and a survey can be electronically mailed to your personal account. (Please allow your spam filters to approve an email with the subject, "Black Enterprise - Get your COMPLIMENTARY subscription," as that is the code name for this top secret project.)

Transmission . . . *bzzzzt!*

Tootie the Über-tribble: The dissapearance of Evil.

Good morning all.

As you’ve probably noticed, Evil Spock has gone missing for a while. There have been many rumors - some involving small, furry animals and a dragqueen named Divine (I started that one myself) – but few have come close to the actual truth. Except maybe that one about Hillary Clinton.

The horrible, awful, unthinkable truth.

That for the past few weeks Evil Spock thought about turning away from evil to become an all-around nice guy…

This revolting idea first came to him one sunny morning when he was forced to rescue a small kitten out of a tree. He later told me that the experience had made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I bit him on the shin. He kicked me. Thus I thought things were back to normal, but alas.

Just a few days later, Mr. Paul – my manservant – observed him smiling in public, for no personal gain whatsoever. I was, of course, shocked. If goodness and decency can worm its way into the heart of Evil Spock, then surely none of us are safe. I felt around inside my soul, or whatever it is that I have in stead of a soul, in search of the faintest trace of virtue. To my great relief I couldn’t find as much as an iota of the stuff.

The night that Evil Spock disappeared, was especially bad. He had been seen at the video arcade, checking out “terms of endearment”. Before that he’d ooooh-ed and aaaaah-ed over a small child in a carriage. We had been discussing his condition behind his back for days, and were giving serious thought to knocking him upside the head and shipping him off for re-programming. But we didn’t want to be rude about it. Then he went missing anyway, so we didn’t get the chance.

We searched for him, of course, in all his favourite places. Even that place in the park where he goes twice a week to teach small children to swear as they’re walking home from kindergarten. Despite all our efforts, Evil Spock was nowhere to be found.

Then last week I received a letter from him, saying that he’s coming back. I guess there’s only so many niceties and good deeds a person can take before they start to feel queasy inside. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that the big guy now wants to catch up for all the kindness he’s been up to lately.

Kindness. Bah, humbug.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Have you seen this Douchebag?

The Collective: Hiatus is Over (Until We Get Bored Again)

We guess it was no surprise that the annual (insert your favorite December holiday here) card from Evil Spock did not arrive in the mail this year. You see we broke our campaign promise to him to blog about every remotely funny topic that crossed our field of view or thought that popped into our heads. I guess we saw the writing on the wall when we did not see our names listed in any of the state caucuses and primaries. No mention on Meet the Press or Talking Points Memo. We take this to mean that the Evil Spock-The Collective 2008 campaign is no more. Maybe we’ll see you in 2012.

So for the past many months we’ve been staring at a computer desktop cluttered with abandoned posts that for whatever reason we could not finish and give to the world. Posts such as a rehash of a trip to West Yellowstone Montana where we were served food or had our money taken for unnecessary keepsakes almost exclusively by young Russians. We felt like we were in “Red Dawn” minus Patrick Swayze or C. Thomas Howell. Although, in that scenario, we (as the losing Americans) probably would have been serving them. We had notions of going back and finishing old posts just to keep our promised output up. However, that seemed to be cheating the timeliness that blogging provides, so we refrained. Maybe when the Collected Collective Works are gathered we may finish them off.

It was nothing less than the madness that is the US Presidential Primaries that brought us out of our slumber. Now that we are officially not in the race anymore we feel that we no longer live in a glass house and can safely throw our stones at others. We’ll give a quick synopsis of some of those left standing that warrant mention.

Mike Huckabee. Having a Presidential last name is crucial for electability. We have institutions such as the KENNEDY School of Government, the state of WASHINGTON, the LINCOLN center, James MADISON university, The FILLMORE (we’re not sure it’s named after Millard). James K. Polk probably even has a rest stop somewhere named after him. But, can you really imagine anything reputable named after Huckabee? Even for Arkansas Huckabee State University is too much. Huckabee sounds more like a family restaurant coming to an interstate exit ramp near you. Just combine Huckleberry and Applebee’s and you’re well on your way. More to the point is that he is probably not electable based on his actual campaigning. First he participated in the obligatory for Republicans hunting photo-ops which raises the question of what do we have to kill to get elected around here? Next he equated homosexuality with bestiality and proceeded to say that we need to change our Constitution to be more Christian. On the question of the South Carolina confederate flag issues he said something like (paraphrasing) “In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell 'em what to do with the pole, that's what we'd do.” Not surprising this is coming from a “Christian preacher.” In an attempt to appeal to some as of yet unknown constituency he said, “When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room.” This is a potential leader of our country? We think we’ll steer clear of Huckabee’s House of Squirrels Family Feedbag the next time we’re on a long roadtrip. He has followed in Bill Clinton’s footsteps by appearing with music instrument in tow. Whereas, Bill made quite a splash by playing the sax (deemed a cool instrument) on the Arsenio Hall Show, Huck could only muster playing bass (not as cool apparently) at bingo night at a retirement home (it may have been a different venue). He definitely has folksy down, but we now know that great evil can lurk beneath folksy (see current Presidential Administration). So with a heavy heart we have to say that we do not see late night bass jam sessions and popcorn squirrel at 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue in our futures. That would’ve beat the pants off of the avoidance of watching any news and clearing brush at the ranch in Crawford that we currently enjoy there.

Looks like Old Huck took more of our time than we had planned. So, we’ll leave the other candidates for future posts. That is if anyone is actually still reading.

The Collective has spoken!

Tootie the Über-tribble: Today Tootie glorifies violence

I have been away for a while. You’ve noticed and missed me, of course. I’ve been off on one of my trips, this time to the glorious kingdom of furry hats and round ceilings, otherwise known as Russia.

Mr. James new mail-order bride is Russian, and insisted on seeing her family. I’ve tried to explain to her that there’s no point in having family if you can’t ignore them, but she’s a bit dense, that one. I think she’s been bottled up on vodka and that stuff they make with boiled pumpernickel and rye bread. That, and I have reason to believe that at least one of her parents is some sort of primate. I don’t say that as a stab at her intellect, mind you. I’m simply referring to her hairy arms.

After several weeks of being force fed stories from her childhood home of Nikoskoye, I agreed to let her and Mr. James take me with them for a long weekend of sightseeing. From what I understood, her family lived there in some sort of cave. It was also vital that we go before May. Something to do with the devil and barcodes.

Between Mrs. James ranting and raving and the election terrorising me from the television screen, I’ve had to work very hard not to bite anyone these past few weeks. The world has evolved at lightning speed, but there are some things that they did better in the good, old days. Such as running an election. All you had to do back then, was to knock someone on the head until they were good’n woozy and drag them from polling station to polling station so that they could vote again and again. It was a beautiful system.

When I become ruler of all, there won’t be any damn election beforehand, that’s for sure. If I can’t do it the old fashion way, I’ll just use my doomsday weapon on the bastards.

Gotta go! Über-tribble powers activate!

Der Ring von Schlechtem Spock

Evil Spock is lucky to have so many readers for Evil Spock's blog. Evil Spock is even luckier to have so many of The Few commenting, and not only that, submitting questions to Ask Evil Spock. Every time Evil Spock reads The Few's comments and questions, Evil Spock realizes that Evil Spock is a noble spirit that embiggens the smallest man. Even when Evil Spock is being less than cromulent, i.e. not writing so much, Evil Spock knows that The Few are with Evil Spock through thick and thin.

Evil Spock loves being adored and admired. When Evil Spock first started The Needs of the Few, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock was the only one loving Evil Spock. Thank Jeebus for The Few, because there's only so much time Evil Spock can spend in front of the mirror saying self-affirmations to Evil Spock's reflection before people start calling Evil Spock "looney tunes".

Evil Spock doesn't want to take The Few's love for granted, because being loved is very important. But when it comes to all things interweb, being hated brings in the numbers. When the evil within Evil Spock started to manifest, Evil Spock thought Evil Spock would become a polarizing figure in today's world of iPhones and Nintendo Wiis. Yet other than some empty death threats by a disgruntled Superfan, there isn't much bile and venom in the comment section or the inbox of askevilspock@gmail.com. Evil Spock is puzzled by all this, since Evil Spock is an aspiring evil despot trying to take over the world after all.

Another thing that befuddles Evil Spock, is the lack of letters from those farthest on the Christian Right trying to save Evil Spock's soul. Evil Spock knows they're busy picketing military funerals and the lawsuits that proceed said picketing, but you'd think their future POTUS in 2012 would register some importance on their Rapture meters.

Evil Spock sees their letters all the time in local newspapers, spouting how society is immoral, and that their path is the righteous one. Evil Spock realizes that saving souls isn't the only reason that these zealots submit their holy correspondence. Part of the thrill is getting their letter published in their local rags. They become like G-list celebrities to their congregation, which means they get to go to the front of the line for Communion wafers.

Evil Spock would like to remind the Christian Right that The Needs of the Few is bigger than any of the archaic, dead-tree presses. Bigger than the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, or Mad Magazine. Maybe not as big as The Onion, but close (they are America's Finest News Source). If you want to be more famous, please tell Evil Spock that Evil Spock is wicked and needs to put a little Jesus fish on Evil Spock's Toyota via email or the comment box.

For aspiring holy soldiers that don't have a handle on creative writing, you can use Dorothy Burton, and her magnum opus "It was Jesus, not Santa, who died for us" as an example. Its a poignant reminder that Jesus was the one who was crucified and died, and not Santa. Remember, Santa Claus is an immortal that lives with flying reindeer and elves. Santa cannot die from crucifixion, but he can be killed by cutting off his head, which results in the killer inheriting all of Kris Kringle's unearthly powers. Plus, from what Evil Spock has read of the Bible, Santa actually works for Jesus.

Ms. Burton does meander a bit, as she mentions the Easter holiday in the same letter. Its borderline appropriate that the department stores put out the Christmas decorations before Halloween, but its way too early for Evil Spock to think about Easter and all the chocolate bunnies Evil Spock plans to consume. Plus she confuses Evil Spock when she implies that it was Jesus who rose from the dead and not a rabbit. Evil Spock is pretty sure a rabbit was also struck down, only later to be resurrected.



Perhaps the Christian Right don't send letters to save Evil Spock's immortal soul because Evil Spock compares Jesus to Bugs Bunny. Hopefully, that'll at least generate some hate mail.

Evil Spock out!