The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe

BURBANK, CA—During the final installment of a three-part retrospective podcast on the film studio Thursday, longtime Disney illustrator Russell Schroeder revealed that every one of the company's live-action and animated features takes place in a sin... more »
Newswire

Infographic

Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

05.10.12

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign: May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of t... more»
News

Ahmadinejad Kind Of Getting Back Into Old R.E.M. Again

05.10.12

TEHRAN—Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters Thursday he was kind of getting back into old R.E.M. more»
American Voices

Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI

05.10.12

"With these sophisticated technologies, we'll be able to use ordinary treats to bend the dog to our will." more»
News

Paula Deen Sponsors .05K Walk For Diabetes Research

05.07.12

SAVANNAH, GA—Celebrity chef and restaurateur Paula Deen announced Monday that her recently launched Step for a Cure Foundation would host its first annual .05K fun walk on May 20 to raise money for Type 2 diabetes research. The star of the Food Netw... more»
News

Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About

05.10.12

DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation's mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today. Th... more»
Radio News

Environment-Friendly Hollywood Achieves 91 Percent Recycled Content

05.10.12
American Voices

North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage

05.09.12

"I have a policy of not saying anything negative about the South. Otherwise my Alabama friend will hammer me with his Faulkner-Welty-O'Connor tirade again." more»
This Week In History

This Week In History: Vladimir Putin Wins Russian Presidency After Promising He Can Bend Anything With Bare Hands (2000)

05.08.12

The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Tower's challenge to God more»
News in Brief

Fracking Industry Now Largest Employer Of Recent PR Graduates

05.09.12

SAN FRANCISCO—A new labor market study published Wednesday has found that oil companies with hydraulic fracturing interests have outpaced the tobacco industry, Wall Street, and the gun lobby to become the largest employer of recent college graduates... more»
Corrections

Metaphysical Bias

05.09.12

The Onion recently wrote that permanence is an illusion. We in the media strive to prevent metaphysical bias from coloring our reporting, and The Onion apologizes, even though news, like reality itself, is ephemeral. more»