Worstward
Ho
|
On. I'll say on. (Let "on" be said.) I'll go on somehow. Till nohow on. Till I say "nohow on". Say for be said. Missaid. From now say for missaid. I'll say "say" instead of "be said" (or instead of "missaid"). From now on I'll say "say" instead of "missaid". Say a body. Where none. No mind. Where none. That at least. A place. Where none. For the body. To be in. Move in. Out of. Back into. No. No out. No back. Only in. Stay in. On in. Still. I'll say there's a body (where there isn't one). I won't say there's a mind (where there isn't one). That at least is true. I'll say there's a place (where there isn't one) for the body: for it to be in and move in, and to move out of and move back into again. No: the body doesn't move out or move back. It stays in, it stays on in - unmoving. All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Everything is as it was of old. There's never been anything else. I've never tried anything else, never failed at anything else. But it doesn't matter: I'll try again, I'll fail again. I'll fail better than I did before.
First, the body. No: first the place. No: first both of them - now one, now the other. When I'm sick of one I'll try the other. I'll go on like that (somehow go on) till I'm sick of both of them - till I throw up and go away to where neither of them are. Till I'm sick of that too. Then I'll throw up and come back: to the body again (where there isn't one), and to the place again (where there isn't one). I'll try again and I'll fail again - fail better again. Or (better) I'll fail worse again, fail still worse again. Till I'm sick of it for good, throw up for good, go away for good to where neither of them are, for good: for good and all. It stands. What? Yes. Say it stands. Had to up in the end and stand. Say bones. No bones but say bones. Say ground. No ground but say ground. So as to say pain. No mind and pain? Say yes that the bones may pain till no choice but stand. Somehow up and stand. Or better worse remains. Say remains of mind where none to permit of pain. Pain of bones till no choice but up and stand. Somehow up. Somehow stand. Remains of mind where none for the sake of pain. Here of bones. Other examples if needs must. Of pain. Relief from. Change of. The body is standing. What? Yes, I'll say it's standing - that in the end it had to get up and stand. I'll say there are bones (there are no bones, but I'll say there are). I'll say there's ground (there's no ground, but I'll say there is). So that I can say there is pain. Can there be no mind and still be pain? I'll say yes there can, that the bones feel pain until they have no choice except to stand up, somehow to get up and stand. Or (for better or worse) I'll say there are remains, say there are remains of mind (where there aren't any), to permit of pain: pain in the bones till they have no choice but to get up and stand (somehow get up, somehow stand). I'll say there are remains of mind (where there aren't any), for the sake of pain. Here the pain is the bones' pain - but I'll give other examples if needs must, other examples of pain. And of relief from pain. (Or of change of pain.) All of old. Nothing else ever. But never so failed. Worse failed. With care never worse failed. Everything is as it was of old. There's never been anything else. But I have never failed so much, never failed worse (if I'm careful I'll never have failed worse). Dim light source unknown. Know minimum. Know nothing no. Too much to hope. At most mere minimum. Meremost minimum. There's a dim light, source unknown. (I must know the minimum. Could I know nothing? No, that's too much to hope for. At most I must know a bare minimum, the merest minimum.) No choice but stand. Somehow up and stand. Somehow stand. That or groan. The groan so long on its way. No. No groan. Simply pain. Simply up. A time when try how. Try see. Try say. How first it lay. Then somehow knelt. Bit by bit. Then on from there. Bit by bit. Till up at last. Not now. Fail better worse now. The body has no choice but to stand - somehow to get up and stand, somehow stand. Either that or groan (the groan that has been so long on its way). No, there's no groan. There's simply pain, and simply standing up. There was a time when I'd have tried to find how it was (tried to see, tried to say): how first it lay down, then somehow knelt (bit by bit), then went on from there (bit by bit), till at last it stood up. But I won't do that now: now (for better or worse) I'll fail. Another. Say another. Head sunk on crippled hands. Vertex vertical. Eyes clenched. Seat of all. Germ of all. Another image (I'll say there's another): a head sunk down on crippled hands - with its vertex vertical, its eyes clenched shut. (The head which is the seat of all and the germ of all.) No future in this. Alas yes. There's no future in this. (But yes, alas - there is a future in it.) It stands. See in the dim void how at last it stands. In the dim light source unknown. Before the downcast eyes. Clenched eyes. Staring eyes. Clenched staring eyes. The body stands. See how at last it stands, in the dim void, in the dim light (source unknown) - before the downcast eyes: the clenched eyes, the staring eyes, the clenched staring eyes. That shade. Once lying. Now standing. That a body? Yes. Say that a body. Somehow standing. In the dim void. That shade (once lying, now standing) - is that a body? Yes, I'll say that's a body. Somehow standing, in the dim void. A place. Where none. A time when try see. Try say. How small. How vast. How if not boundless bounded. Whence the dim. Not now. Know better now. Unknow better now. Know only no out of. No knowing how know only no out of. Into only. Hence another. Another place where none. Whither once whence no return. No. No place but the one. None but the one where none. Whence never once in. Somehow in. Beyondless. Thenceless there. Thitherless there. Thenceless thitherless there. A place (where there isn't one). There was a time when I'd have tried to see it, tried to say it: how small it was, or how vast - what its boundaries were (if it wasn't boundless). And where the dim light came from. But not now, I know better now. Now I know better what I don't know. I know only that there is no way out of it. I don't know how I know: I know only that there is no way out of it, only a way into it. So I'll say there's another (another place where there isn't one): a place to which there is no return, once it is gone out of. No, I won't say that. There is no place except the one place: no place except the one place (where there isn't one) - from which there is no way out, once it is gone into (somehow gone into). A place with nothing beyond it. A place from which there is no way out and to which there is no way in. No way out of it and no way into it. Where then but there see - Where but there, then, do I see – See for be seen. Misseen. From now see for be misseen. [I'll say "see" instead of "be seen" (or instead of "misseen"): from now on I'll say "see" instead of "misseen".] Where then but there see now - Where but there, then, do I now see - First back turned the shade astand. In the dim void see first back turned the shade astand. Still. (First, with its back turned, the standing shade: first, in the dim void, I see the shade standing with its back turned, unmoving). Where then but there see now another. Bit by bit an old man and child. In the dim void bit by bit an old man and child. Any other would do as ill. Where then but there do I now see another shade. Bit by bit, I see an old man and child: in the dim void, bit by bit, an old man and child. (Any other shade would do as ill.)
Hand in hand with equal plod they go. In the free hands - no. Free empty hands. Backs turned both bowed with equal plod they go. The child hand raised to reach the holding hand. Hold the old holding hand. Hold and be held. Plod on and never recede. Slowly with never a pause plod on and never recede. Backs turned. Both bowed. Joined by held joining hands. Plod on as one. One shade. Another shade. Hand in hand with equal plod they go. In their free hands..... No: the free hands are empty. With their backs turned, and both bowed, with equal plod they go. The child has its hand raised to reach the hand holding it, to hold the old holding hand, to hold and be held. They plod on and never recede. Slowly with never a pause they plod on and never recede, with their backs turned and both bowed, joined by held joining hands. They plod on as one - as one shade. (That's another shade.) Head sunk on crippled hands. Clenched staring eyes. At in the dim void shades. One astand at rest. One old man and child. At rest plodding on. Any others would do as ill. Almost any. Almost as ill. The head is sunk on crippled hands, its clenched eyes staring at shades in the dim void: one shade standing at rest, one an old man and child (plodding on, but at rest). Any others would do as ill. (Almost any others would do as ill - almost as ill.)
They fade. Now the one. Now the twain. Now both. Fade back. Now the one. Now the twain. Now both. Fade? No. Sudden go. Sudden back. Now the one. Now the twain. Now both. They fade away - now the single shade, now the twain, now both together. Then they fade back - now the single shade, now the twain, now both together. But do they fade? No, they go suddenly, and suddenly come back: now the single shade, now the twain, now both together. Unchanged? Sudden back unchanged? Yes. Say yes. Each time unchanged. Somehow unchanged. Till no. Till say no. Sudden back changed. Somehow changed. Each time somehow changed. Are they unchanged? Have they come back (suddenly) unchanged? Yes, I'll say yes, they're unchanged. Each time they are unchanged, somehow unchanged. Till no: till I say no. Now they return (suddenly) changed - each time they are somehow changed.
The dim. The void. Gone too? Back too? No. Say no. Never gone. Never back. Till yes. Till say yes. Gone too. Back too. The dim. The void. Now the one. Now the other. Now both. Sudden gone. Sudden back. Unchanged? Sudden back unchanged? Yes. Say yes. Each time unchanged. Somehow unchanged. Till no. Till say no. Sudden back changed. Somehow changed. Each time somehow changed. The dim light, the void: have they gone too - and come back too? No, I'll say no: they've never gone and never come back. Till yes: till I say yes. They've gone too, and they come back too, the dim and the void: now one of them, now the other, now both together. Suddenly they're gone, suddenly they're back. Are they unchanged? Have they come back (suddenly) unchanged? Yes - I'll say yes: they are unchanged each time, somehow unchanged. Till no, till I say no: they come back (suddenly) changed, somehow changed. Each time they are somehow changed. First sudden gone the one. First sudden back. Unchanged. Say now unchanged. So far unchanged. Back turned. Head sunk. Vertex vertical in hat. Cocked back of black brim alone. Back of black greatcoat cut off midthigh. Kneeling. Better kneeling. Better worse kneeling. Say now kneeling. From now kneeling. Could rise but to its knees. Sudden gone sudden back unchanged back turned head sunk dark shade on unseen knees. Still. The single shade is gone (suddenly) first, then (suddenly) it comes back first - unchanged. (For now I'll say it's unchanged - so far unchanged.) The back is turned, the head sunk. The vertex is vertical, in a hat. Only the cocked back of the hat's black brim is to be seen. The back of the black greatcoat is cut off at midthigh. Or it's kneeling - it's better kneeling. For better or worse it's kneeling. (For now I'll say it's kneeling: from now on it's kneeling.) It could get up only as far as its knees. It's gone (suddenly), and it comes back (suddenly) unchanged: with its back turned and its head sunk, a dark shade on unseen knees.Unmoving.
Next sudden gone the twain. Next sudden back. Say now unchanged. So far unchanged. Backs turned. Heads sunk. Dim hair. Dim white and hair so fair that in that dim light dim white. Black greatcoats to heels. Dim black. Bootheels. Now the two right. Now the two left. As on with equal plod they go. No ground. Plod as on void. Dim hands. Dim white. Two free and two as one. So sudden gone sudden back unchanged as one dark shade plod unreceding on. Next the twain are gone (suddenly), then back (suddenly). (For now I'll say they're unchanged - so far they're unchanged.) Their backs are turned and their heads sunk. Their hair is dim: one dimly white and the other so fair that it looks dimly white in that dim light. Black greatcoats (dim black) reach to their heels (the heels of boots). Now the two right heels, now the two left, as on they go with equal plod. There is no ground: they plod as if on a void. Their hands are dim - dimly white: two of them free, and two of them together as if they were one hand. Thus they plod on without receding (suddenly gone, then suddenly back unchanged), like a single dark shade. The dim. Far and wide the same. High and low. Unchanging. Say now unchanging. Whence no knowing. No saying. Say only such dim light as never. On all. Say a grot in that void. A gulf. Then in that grot or gulf such dimmest light as never. Whence no knowing. No saying. The dim is the same far and wide and high and low, unchanging (for now I'll say it's unchanging). There's no knowing where it comes from - and no saying. I'll say only that it's such dim light as never was before: on everything. I'll say there's a grotto, in that void. Or a gulf. Then in that grotto or gulf there is such dimmest light as never was before. There's no knowing where it comes from. (And no saying.) The void. Unchanging. Say now unchanging. Void were not the one. The twain. So far were not the one and twain. So far. The void is unchanging (for now I'll say it's unchanging). It would be a void were it not for the single shade, and for the twain: so far it would be, were it not for the single shade and for the twain. So far away. The void. How try say? How try fail? No try no fail. Say only - The void: how shall I try to say that? How try to fail to say it? I won't try, I won't fail: I'll say only – First the bones. On back to them. Preying since first said on foresaid remains. The ground. The pain. No bones. No ground. No pain. Why up unknown. At all costs unknown. If ever down. No choice but up if ever down. Or never down. Forever kneeling. Better forever kneeling. Better worse forever kneeling. Say from now forever kneeling. So far from now forever kneeling. So far. Before that, the bones. I'll go on back to the bones (they have been preying, since first mentioned, on the remains of mind previously mentioned), and back to the ground, and to the pain: there are no bones, no ground, no pain. Why the body stood up is unknown, at all costs unknown (if it was ever lying down). It had no choice but to get up (if it was ever lying down). Or perhaps it was never lying down: perhaps it's been kneeling for ever. Yes, it's better if it's been kneeling for ever. For better or worse it's been kneeling for ever. From now on I'll say it's been kneeling for ever. From now on (so far) I'll say it's been kneeling for ever. So far away. The void. Before the staring eyes. Stare where they may. Far and wide. High and low. That narrow field. Know no more. See no more. Say no more. That alone. That little much of void alone. The void: it's before the staring eyes, stare where they may - far and wide, high and low (that narrow field). I know no more, I see no more, I'll say no more than that, that alone: I'll say only that (that little much) about the void. On back to unsay void can go. Void cannot go. Save dim go. Then all go. All not already gone. Till dim back. Then all back. All not still gone. The one can go. The twain can go. Dim can go. Void cannot go. Save dim go. Then all go. I'll go on back to unsay that the void can go: the void cannot go unless the dim goes - and then all will go (all that has not already gone) till the dim comes back: then all will come back (all that is not still gone). The single shade can go, the twain can go, the dim can go: but the void cannot go unless the dim goes. And then all goes. On back better worse to fail the head said seat of all. Germ of all. All? If of all of it too. Where if not there it too? There in the sunken head the sunken head. The hands. The eyes. Shade with the other shades. In the same dim. The same narrow void. Before the staring eyes. Where it too if not there too? Ask not. No. Ask in vain. Better worse so. I'll go on back (for better or worse), to fail the head - said to be the seat of all and the germ of all. Of all? If it's the seat of all it's the seat of itself as well. And where if not there should it not be, as well? A sunken head in a sunken head, along with the hands and the eyes: a shade with the other shades, in the same dim, the same narrow void, before the staring eyes. Where should it be (as well) if not there as well? Don't ask. No: ask in vain. (For better or worse, that's how it is.) The head. Ask not if it can go. Say no. Unasking no. It cannot go. Save dim go. Then all go. Oh dim go. Go for good. All for good. Good and all. The head. Don't ask if it can go: say it can't, without asking. It cannot go unless the dim goes - and then all goes. Oh let the dim go, go for good! Let all go for good: for good and all. Whose words? Ask in vain. Or not in vain if say no knowing. No saying. No words for him whose words. Him? One. No words for one whose words. One? It. No words for it whose words. Better worse so. Whose words are these? It's in vain to ask. Or not in vain if (for example) there's no knowing, no saying: if there are no words for him whose words these are. For him? Not for him - for one: if there are no words for one whose words these are. One? Not one - it: if there are no words for it whose words these are. For better or worse that's how it is. Something not wrong with one. Meaning - meaning! - meaning the kneeling one. From now one for the kneeling one. As from now two for the twain. The as one plodding twain. As from now three for the head. The head as first said missaid. So from now. For to gain time. Time to lose. Gain time to lose. As the soul once. The world once. There's something not wrong with one. Meaning - meaning! - the kneeling one. From now on I'll say "one" for the kneeling one. Just as from now on I'll say "two" for the twain (the twain plodding on as if they were one) and "three" for the head. (The head which, as was first said, is missaid.) That's what I'll do from now on. To gain time - time to lose. Gain time to lose. (As once the soul was lost, as once the world was gained.) Something not wrong with one. Then with two. Then with three. So on. Something not wrong with all. Far from wrong. Far far from wrong. There's something not wrong with one. Then with two, then with three - and so on. There's something not wrong with all of them - something far from wrong, something far far from wrong. The words too whosesoever. What room for worse! How almost true they sometimes almost ring! How wanting in inanity! Say the night is young alas and take heart. Or better worse say still a watch of night alas to come. A rest of last watch to come. And take heart. It's the same for the words as well, whoever's they are. What scope there is for them to be worse than they are! How they almost ring almost true sometimes! How wanting in inanity they are! But I'll say the night is young (alas), and take heart from that. Or (for better or worse) I'll say that a watch of night is still to come (alas), that the rest of the last watch is to come. And take heart from that. First one. First try fail better one. Something there badly not wrong. Not that as it is it is not bad. The no face bad. The no hands bad. The no -. Enough. A pox on bad. Mere bad. Way for worse. Pending worse still. First worse. Mere worse. Pending worse still. Add a -. Add? Never. Bow it down. Be it bowed down. Deep down. Head in hat gone. More back gone. Greatcoat cut off higher. Nothing from pelvis down. Nothing but bowed back. Topless baseless hindtrunk. Dim black. On unseen knees. In the dim void. Better worse so. Pending worse still. First "one": first I'll try to fail "one" better. Something there is badly not wrong. Not that it's not bad as it is: not having a face is bad, not having hands is bad, not..... Enough: a pox on bad, on mere bad - to make way for worse (pending worse still). First the worse, mere worse (pending worse still). Add a..... Add? Never. Bow it down, let it be bowed down, deep down. The head in its hat is gone from view, more of the back is gone. The greatcoat is cut off higher up than it was, there is nothing from the pelvis down. There is nothing but the bowed back, the back of a topless baseless trunk in the dim blackness, kneeling on unseen knees in the dim void. That's how it is (for better or worse), pending something worse still.
Next try fail better two. The twain. Bad as it is as it is. Bad the no - Next I'll try to fail "two" better (the twain) - bad as it is as it is. Bad the no -
First back on to three. Not yet to try worsen. Simply be there again. There in that head in that head. Be it again. That head in that head. Clenched eyes clamped to it alone. Alone? No. Too. To it too. The sunken skull. The crippled hands. Clenched staring eyes. Be that shade again. In that shade again. With the other shades. Worsening shades. In the dim void. First I'll go back on to "three". Not yet to try and worsen it: I'll simply be there again, there inside that head inside that head. I'll be it again, that head inside that head. The clenched eyes will be clamped to it alone. Alone? No, not alone: as well. Those clenched staring eyes will be clamped to it as well - to it as well as to the sunken skull and to the crippled hands. I'll be that shade again, be in that shade again - along with the other shades, the worsening shades. In the dim void. Next - Next - First how all at once. In that stare. The worsened one. The worsening two. And what yet to worsen. To try to worsen. Itself. The dim. The void. All at once in that stare. Clenched eyes clamped to all. First I'll say how they are all there at once, in that stare: the worsened "one", the worsened "two" and what is yet to worsen (to try to worsen, to worsen itself). And the dim. And the void. They are all there at once in that stare: the clenched eyes are clamped to them all. Next two. From bad to worsen. Try worsen. From merely bad. Add -. Add? Never. The boots. Better worse bootless. Bare heels. Now the two right. Now the two left. Left right left right on. Barefoot unreceding on. Better worse so. A little better worse than nothing so. Next "two" - to worsen it from what is already bad (to try to worsen it). Add..... Add? Never. The boots: for better or worse they are bootless, their heels are bare. Now the two right heels, now the two left: left right, left right they plod on. Barefoot they plod on, unreceding. For better or worse, that's how it is: a little better or worse than nothing, that's how it is. Next the so-said seat and germ of all. Those hands! That head! That near true ring! Away. Full face from now. No hands. No face. Skull and stare alone. Scene and seer of all. Next, the so-called seat and germ of all. (Those hands! That head! Which so nearly ring true! Away with them.) It will be full face from now on. No hands, no face, just the skull and the stare alone: the scene and see-er of everything.
On. Stare on. Say on. Be on. Somehow on. Anyhow on. Till dim gone. At long last gone. All at long last gone. For bad and all. For poor best worst and all. On: go on staring, go on saying, go on being - somehow go on, go on anyhow. Until the dim has gone, at long last gone, and all has at long last gone, for bad and all (for a poor-best attempt to be worst and all). Dim whence unknown. At all costs unknown. Unchanging. Say now unchanging. Far and wide. High and low. Say a pipe in that void. A tube. Sealed. Then in that pipe or tube that selfsame dim. Old dim. When ever what else? Where all always to be seen. Of the nothing to be seen. Dimly seen. Nothing ever unseen. Of the nothing to be seen. Dimly seen. Worsen that? It's not known where the dim comes from (at all costs it's not known). It's unchanging (for now I'll say it's unchanging). It's far and wide and high and low. I'll say there's a pipe in that void, or a tube. Sealed. Then inside that pipe or tube is the selfsame dim, the old dim. (What else has there ever been?) Where all is always to be seen (dimly seen) of the nothing to be seen. Nothing of the nothing to be seen (dimly seen) is ever unseen. (Can that be made worse?) Next the so-said void. The so-missaid. That narrow field. Rife with shades. Well so-missaid. Shade-ridden void. How better worse so-missay? Next the so-called void, the so-miscalled void - that narrow field rife with shades. It's well so-miscalled, that shade-ridden void. How (for better or worse) did I so miscall it? Add others. Add? Never. Till if needs must. Nothing to those so far. Dimly so far. Them only lessen. But with them as they lessen others. As they worsen. If needs must. Others to lessen. To worsen. Till dim go. At long last go. For worst and all. Add others. Add? Never. Till and if needs must. I'll add nothing to those here so far (dimly here so far). Them I will only lessen. But with them as they lessen (as they worsen) there will be others, if needs must - others to lessen and to worsen. (Till the dim goes, at long last goes, for worst and all.) On. Somehow on. Anyhow on. Say all gone. So on. In the skull all gone. All? No. All cannot go. Till dim go. Say then but the two gone. In the skull one and two gone. From the void. From the stare. In the skill all save the skull gone. The stare. Alone in the dim void. Alone to be seen. Dimly seen. In the skull the skull alone to be seen. The staring eyes. Dimly seen. By the staring eyes. The others gone. Long sudden gone. Then sudden back. Unchanged. Say now unchanged. First one. Then two. Or first two. Then one. Or together. Then all again together. The bowed back. The plodding twain. The skull. The stare. All back in the skull together. Unchanged. Stare clamped to all. In the dim void. On. Go on somehow, go on anyhow. I'll say that all has gone. (That's how I'll go on.) In the skull all has gone. All? No: all cannot go till the dim goes. I'll say, then, that only two have gone: in the skull, "one" and "two" have gone - gone from the void, gone from the stare. In the skull, all have gone save the skull itself, and the stare. They are alone in the dim void - they alone are to be seen (dimly seen): in the skull they alone are to be seen. The staring eyes are dimly seen by the staring eyes. The others have gone, long ago suddenly gone. Then suddenly they come back, unchanged (for now I'll say they're unchanged): first "one" then "two", or first "two" then "one". Or together: then they all come back again together. The bowed back, the plodding twain, the skull, the stare - they all come back in the skull together, unchanged, with the stare clamped to all of them. In the dim void. The eyes. Time to - The eyes. Time to -. First on back to unsay dim can go. Somehow on back. Dim cannot go. Dim to go must go for good. True then dim can go. If but for good. One can go not for good. Two too. Three no if not for good. With dim gone for good. Void no if not for good. With all gone for good. Dim can worsen. Somehow worsen. Go no. If not for good. First I'll go on back to unsay that the dim can go (somehow I'll go on back). The dim cannot go. If the dim were to go it would go for good. It's true, then, that the dim can go - though only if it goes for good. "One" can go without being gone for good. So can "two". But "three" can't go without being gone for good (gone for good along with the dim). The void can't go without being gone for good (gone for good along with all). The dim can worsen, somehow worsen: but it can't go, without being gone for good. The eyes. Time to try worsen. Somehow try worsen. Unclench. Say staring open. All white and pupil. Dim white. White? No. All pupil. Dim black holes. Unwavering gaping. Be they so said. With worsening words. From now so. Better than nothing so bettered for the worse. The eyes. It's time to try and worsen them, somehow try and worsen them. I'll unclench them: I'll say they're staring wide open, all white and pupil (dim white). White? No - they're all pupil: dim black holes, gaping unwaveringly. Let them be said like that, with worsening words: from now on let them be said like that. It's better than nothing for them to be bettered like that, for the worse. Still dim still on. So long as still dim still somehow on. Anyhow on. With worsening words. Worsening stare. For the nothing to be seen. At the nothing to be seen. Dimly seen. As now by way of somehow on where in the nowhere all together? All three together. Where there all three as last worse seen? Bowed back alone. Barefoot plodding twain. Skull and lidless stare. Where in the narrow vast? Say only vasts apart. In that narrow void vasts of void apart. Worse better later. The dim is here still, I'll still go on. So long as the dim is still here I'll still go on somehow, go on anyhow - with worsening words. And with a worsening stare for the nothing to be seen, at the nothing to be seen (dimly seen). Just as now (by way of somehow going on) I try to see where, in the nowhere, they are all together, all three together. Where, in that nowhere, are all the three as I last worse-saw them? The single bowed back, the twain plodding barefoot, the skull and the lidless stare: where, in the narrow vast, are they? I'll say only that they are vast expanses apart: in that narrow void they are vast expanses of void apart. (Later I'll worsen them better.) What when words gone? None for what then. But say by way of somehow on somehow with sight to do. With less of sight. Still dim and yet -. No. Nohow so on. Say better worse words gone when nohow on. Still dim and nohow on. All seen and nohow on. What words for what then? None for what then. No words for what when words gone. For what when nohow on. Somehow nohow on. What when words have gone? There are no words for what then. But I'll say (by way of somehow going on) that it's somehow to do with sight - with less of sight. There's still the dim and yet..... No, there's no way on like that. Suppose (for better or worse) that words are gone at a time when there's no way on: that the dim is still there yet there's no way on, that all is seen yet there's no way on. What words are there for what then? There are no words for what then: no words for what when words are gone, for what when there is no way on (somehow no way on). Worsening words whose unknown. Whence unknown. At all costs unknown. Now for to say as worst they may only they only they. Dim void shades all they. Nothing save what they say. Somehow say. Nothing save they. What they say. Whosesoever whencesoever say. As worst they may fail ever worse to say. Worsening words: whose they are unknown, where they come from unknown (at all costs unknown). Now it's for them to say (as worst they may, only they) that there's only they. The dim and the void and the shades are all words. There is nothing except what the words say (somehow say). There is nothing except them, nothing except what they say - whoever's they are, wherever they come from. (As they may fail worst to say ever worse.) Remains of mind then still. Enough still. Somewhose somewhere somehow enough still. No mind and no words? Even such words. So enough still. Just enough still to joy. Joy! Just enough still to joy that only they. Only! There are still remains of mind then, still enough: still enough of someone's, somewhere, somehow. Can there be no mind and yet be words? Even such words as these? So there are enough remains of mind still - still just enough to joy. (Joy!) Just enough still to joy that there are only they. (Only!) Enough still not to know. Not to know what they say. Not to know what it is the words it says say. Says? Secretes. Say better worse secretes. What it is the words it secretes say. What the so-said void. The so-said dim. The so-said shades. The so-said seat and germ of all. Enough to know no knowing. No knowing what it is the words it secretes say. No saying. No saying what it is they somehow say. There are still enough remains of mind to allow me not to know: not to know what they say, not to know what it is that the words the mind says say. ("Says"? Secretes, rather - for better or worse I'll say "secretes".) What it is the words it secretes say, what the so-called void says, what the so-called dim says, what the so-called shades say, what the so-called seat and germ of all says. It's enough to know that there is no knowing: no knowing what it is that the words it secretes say, and no saying it - no saying what it all is that they somehow say. That said on back to try worse say the plodding twain. Preying since last worse said on foresaid remains. But what not on them preying? What seen? What said? What of all seen and said not on them preying? True. True! And yet say worst perhaps worst of all the old man and child. That shade at last worse seen. Left right left right barefoot unreceding on. They then the words. Back to them now for want of better on and better fail. Worser fail that perhaps of all the least. Least worse failed of all the worse failed shades. Less worse than the bowed back alone. The skull and lidless stare. Though they too for worse. But what not for worse. True. True! And yet say first the worst perhaps worst of all the old man and child. Worst in need of worse. Worst in –
That said, I'll go on back to try and worse-say the plodding twain. Since they were last worse-said they have been preying on the foresaid remains of mind. But what has not been preying on the remains? What has been seen, what has been said - what of all that has been seen and said has not been preying on the remains of mind? True. (That's something true!) And yet I'll worst-say (perhaps worst of all) the old man and child: that shade as it was when last worse-seen - plodding on barefoot (left foot, right right), unreceding. I'll worst-say them, then worst-say the words: I'll go back to them now, for want of any better way to go on, for want of any better way to fail. Perhaps I'll worser-fail that least of all. That may be the least worse-failed of all the worse-failed shades - less worse-failed than the single bowed back, less worse-failed than the skull and the lidless stare. Though they too have been failed for the worse. But what has not been failed for the worse? True. (That's something true!) And yet I'll first worst-say (perhaps worst of all) the old man and child. A worst in need of worse. A worst in -
Blanks for nohow on. How long? Blanks how long till somehow on? Again somehow on. All gone when nohow on. Time gone when nohow on. The blank spaces are for when there is no way on. How long do they last? How long do the blanks last till I somehow go on, again somehow go on? (All is gone when there's no way on. Time is gone when there's no way on.)
Worse less. By no stretch more. Worse for want of better less. Less best. No. Naught best. Best worse. No. Not best worse. Naught not best worse. Less best worse. No. Least. Least best worse. Least never to be naught. Never to naught be brought. Never by naught be nulled. Unnullable least. Say that best worst. With leastening words say least best worse. For want of worser worse. Unlessenable least best worse. Worse is less (by no stretch of the imagination is it more) - worse (for want of anything better) is less: less is best. No: naught is best - best in a worse way. No: that's not best in a worse way. Naught is not best in a worse way: less is best in a worse way. No: least is, least is best in a worse way - least which is never to be naught, never to be brought to naught, never by naught to be nulled, least which is unnullable. I'll say that’s what’s best in the worst way: with leastening words I'll say, at least, that that’s what’s best in a worse way. (For want of worser it's best in a worse way.) Unlessenable least is best in a worse way. The twain. The hands. Held holding hands. That almost ring! As when first said on crippled hands the head. Crippled hands! They there then the words. Here now held holding. As when first said. Ununsaid when worse said. Away. Held holding hands! The twain. The hands. The held and holding hands that almost ring true! As it was when first said, the head is sunk on crippled hands. (Crippled hands! The hands were there, then the words.) Here, now, there are the held and holding hands, as they were when first said. (They weren't unsaid when they were worse-said.) Away with them. Held and holding hands! The empty too. Away. No hands in the -. No. Save for worse to say. Somehow worse somehow to say. Say for now still seen. Dimly seen. Dim white. Two dim white empty hands. In the dim void. The empty hands too: away with them! There are no hands in the -. No: save that, to keep something worse to say (somehow worse, somehow to say). For now I'll say the empty hands are still seen (dimly seen). They are dim white - two dim white empty hands. In the dim void. So leastward on. So long as dim still. Dim undimmed. Or dimmed to dimmer still. To dimmost dim. Leastmost in dimmost dim. Utmost dim. Leastmost in utmost dim. Unworsenable worst. Thus they plod on towards the least, so long as there is dim still, undimmed dim. Or dim dimmed to dimmer still, to the most dim dim. They plod on leastmost in the most dim dim, in the utmost dim. They plod on leastmost in the utmost dim, in the unworsenable worst. What words for what then? How almost they still ring. As somehow from some soft of mind they ooze. From it in it ooze. How all but uninane. To last unlessenable least how loath to leasten. For then in utmost dim to unutter leastmost all. What words for what then? How they almost ring true still, as they somehow ooze from some soft part of the mind! (Ooze from it and ooze in it.) How almost not inane they are! How loath they are to leasten to the last unlessenable least - how loath then, in the utmost dim, to unsay leastmost everything. So little worse the old man and child. Gone held holding hands they plod apart. Left right barefoot unreceding on. Not worsen yet the rift. Save for some after nohow somehow worser on. The old man and the child are so little worse! With the held and holding hands gone, they plod on apart: barefoot, left then right, they plod on unreceding. I won't yet worsen the rift between them: save that for some time when I somehow go on worser (after there's no way on).
On back to unsay clamped to all the stare. No but from now to now this and now that. As now from worsened twain to next for worse alone. To skull and stare alone. Of the two worse in want the skull preying since unsunk. Now say the fore alone. No dome. Temple to temple alone. Clamped to it and stare alone the stare. Bowed back alone and twain blurs in the void. So better than nothing worse shade three from now. I'll go on back to unsay that the stare is clamped to all the shades at once. No: but from now on I'll say it's clamped now to this shade, now to that shade. Just as it now moves away from the worsened twain to the next shade alone, then to the skull and the stare alone. Of the two, the worse in need is the skull which has been preying on the remains of mind ever since it ceased to be sunk on the crippled hands. Now I'll say the forehead alone is to be seen - no dome, only from temple to temple. The stare is clamped only to that and to the stare itself: the single bowed back and the twain are blurs in the void. So, for better or worse than nothing, from now on the stare is clamped to shade three.
Somehow again on back to the bowed back alone. Nothing to show a woman's and yet a woman's. Oozed from softening soft the word woman's. The words old woman's. The words nothing to show bowed back alone a woman's and yet a woman's. So better worse from now that shade a woman's. An old woman's. Somehow I'll again go on back to the bowed single back. There's nothing to show it's a woman's back, and yet it is a woman's back. (The word "woman's" oozed from the softening soft part of the mind; and the words "old woman's"; and the words "nothing to show", "bowed back alone" and "a woman's and yet a woman's".) So from now on, for better or worse, I'll say that shade is a woman's (an old woman's). Next fail see say how dim undimmed to worsen. How nohow save to dimmer still. But but a shade so as when after nohow somehow on to dimmer still. Till dimmost dim. Best bad worse of all. Save somehow undimmed worser still. Next I'll fail to see - fail to say - how to worsen the undimmed dim: how there's no way except to make it dimmer still. But only a shade dimmer - so that when, after there's no way on, I can go on somehow to a still dimmer dim, to the most dim dim: the most-bad worse of all. Except that somehow the undimmed dim is worse still. Ooze on back not to unsay but say again the vasts apart. Say seen again. No worse again. The vasts of void apart. Of all so far missaid the worse missaid. So far. Not till nohow worse missay say worse missaid. Not till for good nohow on poor worst missaid. I'll ooze on back, not to unsay anything but to say again the vast expanses they are apart: to say I've seen again (no worse again) the vast expanses of void they are apart. Of all that have so far been missaid the vasts have been worse missaid. So far. Not till I can in no way missay worse will I say that worse has been missaid. (Not till there's no way on, for good, will the poor worst be missaid.)
Longing the so-said mind long lost to longing. The so-missaid. So far so-missaid. Dint of long longing lost to longing. Long vain longing. And longing still. Faintly longing still. Faintly vainly longing still. For fainter still. For faintest. Faintly vainly longing for the least of longing. Unlessenable least of longing. Unstillable vain least of longing still. Longing, now, is the so-called mind which has long been lost to longing. (The so-miscalled mind - so far so-miscalled.) By dint of long longing it has been lost to longing - by dint of long vain longing. And it is longing still (still faintly longing, still faintly vainly longing) for a still fainter longing - for the faintest longing. Faintly vainly longing for the least of longing, the unlessenable least of longing: still longing for the unstillable and vain least of longing.
Longing that all go. Dim go. Void go. Longing go. Vain longing that vain longing go. The longing is that all will go: that the dim will go, the void go, longing itself go - a vain longing that vain longing will go. Said is missaid. Whenever said said said missaid. From now said alone. No more from now now said and now missaid. From now said alone. Said for missaid. For be missaid. "Said" is "missaid". Whenever "said" is said, said is "missaid". From now on, only "said". From now on, no more sometimes "said" and sometimes "missaid". From now on only "said": "said" for "missaid" (and for "be missaid"). Back is on. Somehow on. From now back alone. No more from now now back and now back on. From now back alone. Back for back on. Back for somehow on. "Back" is "back on" (somehow on). From now on only "back". From now on, no more sometimes "back" and sometimes "back on". From now on only "back": "back" for "back on". ("Back" for somehow on.) Back unsay better worse by no stretch more. If more dim less light then better worse more dim. Unsaid then better worse by no stretch more. Better worse may no less than less be more. Better worse what? The say? The said? Same thing. Same nothing. Same all but nothing. I'll go back to unsay (for better or worse) that "worse" can by no stretch of the imagination be "more". If more dim means less light, then (for better or worse) worse is more dim. Be it unsaid, then - for better or worse - that "worse" can by no stretch of the imagination be "more". For better or for worse, "worse" may be "more", no less than it may be "less". (What is it that's for better or worse? The words I say? The things said? It comes to the same thing: the same nothing, the same all but nothing). No once. No once in pastless now. No not none. When before worse the shades? The dim before more? When if not once? Onceless alone the void. By no stretch more. By none less. Onceless till no more. No "once": there's no "once" in the "now" which has no past. No, that's wrong: it can't be there's no "once" at all. When were the shades before they were made worse? When was the dim before it was more dim? When was that if it wasn't "once"? The only thing that wasn't "once" is the void. By no stretch of the imagination can anything more than the void not have a "once", and by no stretch of the imagination can anything less than the void not have a "once". The void will not have a "once" until the void is no more. Ooze back try worsen blanks. Those then when nohow on. Unsay then all gone. All not gone. Only nohow on. All not gone and nohow on. All there as now when somehow on. The dim. The void. The shades. Only words gone. Ooze gone. Till ooze again and on. Somehow ooze on. I'll ooze back and try to worsen the blanks. Those are there, then, when there is no way on. I'll unsay that then all is gone: all is not gone. It's just that there is no way on. All is not gone and there is no way on. All is there then, just as it is now when I somehow go on: the dim, the void, the shades. It's only the words that are gone, only the ooze that is gone. Till the ooze starts again and I go on (somehow ooze on). Preying since last worse the stare. Something there still far so far from wrong. So far far far from wrong. Try better worse another stare when with words than when not. When somehow than when nohow. While all seen the same. No not all seen the same. Seen other. By the same other stare seen other. When with words than when not. When somehow than when nohow. How fail say how other seen? The stare (since it was last made worse) has been preying on the remains of mind. Something there is still far from wrong, so far from wrong - so far far far from wrong. I'll try (for better or worse) to say that there is another stare when with words than when not with words: another stare when I somehow go on than when there is no way on. While all the things seen stay the same. No, not all the things seen stay the same: they are seen in another way. By the same stare the other stare is seen in another way: in another way when with words than when not with words - in another way when I somehow go on than when there is no way on. But how to say, how fail to say, in what way the other stare is seen? Less. Less seen. Less seeing. Less seen and seeing when with words than when not. When somehow than when nohow. Stare by words dimmed. Shades dimmed. Void dimmed. Dim dimmed. All there as when no words. As when nohow. Only all dimmed. Till blank again. No words again. Nohow again. Then all undimmed. Stare undimmed. That words had dimmed. The other stare is less - less seen and less seeing: less seen and less seeing when with words than when not with words; less when I somehow go on than when there is no way on. The stare is dimmed by words. The shades are dimmed too, so is the void. The dim itself is dimmed by them. All is still there, just as when there are no words, as when there is no way on: but all is dimmed. Till there is again a blank space, again no words, again no way on. Then all is undimmed, and the stare undimmed: all that words had dimmed. Back unsay shades can go. Go and come again. No. Shades cannot go. Much less come again. Nor bowed old woman's back. Nor old man and child. Nor foreskull and and stare. Blur yes. Shades can blur. When stare clamped to one alone. Or somehow words again. Go no nor come again. Till dim if ever go. Never to come again. I'll go back and unsay that the shades can go, can go away and then come back again. No, the shades cannot go away - much less come back again. Nor can the bowed old woman's back, nor the old man and child, nor the front of the skull and the stare. They can blur, yes: the shades can blur - when the stare is clamped to only one of them, or when somehow there are words again. But they cannot go away, nor come back again: not till the dim itself goes (if it ever does), never to come back again. Blanks for when words gone. When nohow on. Then all seen as only then. Undimmed. All undimmed that words dim. All so seen unsaid. No ooze then. No trace on soft when from it ooze again. In it ooze again. Ooze alone for seen as seen with ooze. Dimmed. No ooze for seen undimmed. For when nohow on. No ooze for when ooze gone. The blanks are for when words have gone, when there is no way on. Then all is seen as only then it is seen: undimmed. All is undimmed. All that words make dim is undimmed, and all that is seen with words is unsaid. There is no ooze of words then - no trace on the soft of mind when the ooze comes out from it again, goes into it again. The ooze of words is only for what is seen along with the ooze of words: for what is dimmed. There is no ooze for what is seen undimmed, for what is seen when there is no way on. There is no ooze of words for what is seen when the ooze is gone. Back try worsen twain preying since last worse. Since atwain. Two once so one. From now rift a vast. Vast of void atween. With equal plod still unreceding on. That little better worse. Till words for worser still. Worse words for worser still. I'll go back and try to worsen the twain that have been preying on the remains of mind since they were last made worse, since they were separated: the two who were once so united. From now on they are rift by a vastness. A vastness of void is between them. They still go on, with equal plod, unreceding: that one little thing stays, for better or worse. Till there are words for what is even worse still - worse words for what is even worse still. Preying but what not preying? When not preying? Nohow over words again say what then when not preying. Each better worse for naught. No stilling preying. The shades. The dim. The void. All always faintly preying. Worse for naught. No less than when but bad all always faintly preying. Gnawing. They are preying on the remains of mind - but what if they are not preying? What when not preying? The words (in no way over) again say "What then, when not preying?". Each word, for better or worse, being for no purpose: there is no way of stilling the preying. The shades, the dim, the void - all are always faintly preying on the remains of mind. They are made worse for no purpose. No less than when they were merely bad, all are always faintly preying: gnawing. Gnawing to be gone. Less no good. Worse no good. Only one good. Gone. Gone for good. Till then gnaw on. All gnaw on. To be gone. They are gnawing to be gone. To be less is no good, to be worse is no good. There is only one good: to be gone - gone for good. Till then they will gnaw on, all will gnaw on: gnawing to be gone. All save void. No. Void too. Unworsenable void. Never less. Never more. Never since first said never unsaid never worse said never not gnawing to be gone. All are gnawing except the void. No, that's wrong: the void is gnawing too. The unworsenable void which is never less and never more. Never since it was first said (never since it was unsaid, never since it was worse-said) - never has the void not been gnawing to be gone. Say child gone. As good as gone. From the void. From the stare. Void then not that much more? Say old man gone. Old woman gone. As good as gone. Void then not that much more again? No. Void most when almost. Worst when almost. Less then? All shades as good as gone. If then not that much more than that much less then? Less worse then? Enough. A pox on void. Unmoreable unlessable unworseable evermost almost void. Suppose the child gone (as good as gone): gone from the void, gone from the stare. Would not the void then be that much more? Suppose the old man gone, the old woman gone (as good as gone). Would not the void then be that much more again? No: the void is most when they are almost gone, worst when they are almost gone. Would the void be less, then? All the shades are as good as gone. If the void is then not that much more than that, is it much less then? Is it less worse then? Enough. A pox on void: the void which cannot be made more, cannot be made less, cannot be made worse - the void which is almost gone, for evermost. Back to once so-said two as one. Preying ever since not long since last failed worse. Ever since vast atween. Say better worse now all gone save trunks from now. Nothing from pelves down. From napes up. Topless baseless hindtrunks. Legless plodding on. Left right unreceding on. I'll go back to the once-so-called "two" who plod on as if they are one. They have been preying on the remains of mind ever since they were last worse-failed (which was not long since). Ever since, a vastness has been between them. I'll say now (for better or worse) that from now on all is gone except the trunks. There is nothing from the pelvises down or from the napes of the necks up. They are backs of trunks, without a base and without a top. Legless, they go plodding on: left right, unreceding on. Stare clamped to stare. Bowed backs blurs in stare clamped to stare. Two black holes. Dim black. In through skull to soft. Out from soft through skull. Agape in unseen face. That the flaw? The want of flaw? Try better worse set in skull. Two black holes in foreskull. Or one. Try better still worse one. One dim black hole mid-foreskull. Into the hell of all. Out from the hell of all. So better than nothing worse say stare from now. Stare is clamped to stare: the bowed backs are blurs in a stare clamped to a stare. Two black holes (dim black) go in through the skull to the soft of mind, and through the skull out from the soft. They gape wide in an unseen face. Is that the flaw? Is the want of a flaw the flaw? I'll try (for better or worse) to set them in the skull: two black holes in the front of the skull. Or one hole - I'll try (better still) to worse-say that there is just one: one dim black hole in the middle of the front of the skull. Which leads into the hell of all of them and comes out from the hell of all of them. It's like that (better than nothing) that I'll worse-say the stare from now on. Stare outstared away to old man hindtrunk unreceding on. Try better worse kneeling. Legs gone say better worse kneeling. No more if ever on. Say never. Say never on. Ever kneeling. Legs gone from stare say better worse ever kneeling. Stare away to child and worsen same. Vast void apart old man and child dim shades on unseen knees. One blur. One clear. Dim clear. Now the one. Now the other. The stare, outstared, goes away to the old man (with the back of his trunk plodding on unreceding). I'll try (for better or worse) to say he's kneeling. With his legs gone, I'll say (for better or worse) that he's kneeling. He won't plod on any more (if he ever did plod on). I'll say he never did, never did plod on. He was always kneeling. I'll say the stare goes away to the child, and I'll worsen it. A vast void apart, the old man and child are dim shades on unseen knees: one a blur, one clear (dimly clear). The stare goes now to one of them, now to the other. Nothing to show a child and yet a child. A man and yet a man. Old and yet old. Nothing but ooze how nothing and yet. One bowed back yet an old man's. The other yet a child's. A small child's. There's nothing to show it's a child, and yet it is a child. There's nothing to show it's a man, and yet it is a man. There's nothing to show he is old, and yet he is old. There is nothing but the ooze of words saying how they are nothing, and yet they are nothing. One bowed back is nevertheless an old man's back. The other is nevertheless a child's back.A small child's. Somehow again and all in stare again. All at once as once. Better worse all. The three bowed down. The stare. The whole narrow void. No blurs. All clear. Dim clear. Black hole agape on all. Inletting all. Outletting all. Somehow I go on again, and all the shades are in stare again. All at once they are as they used to be (all of them, for better or worse). The three bowed down, the stare, the whole narrow void: no blurs, all is clear. The dim is clear too. The black hole gapes on all: letting all come in, letting all go out. Nothing and yet a woman. Old and yet old. On unseen knees. Stooped as loving memory some old gravestones stoop. In that old graveyard. Names gone and when to when. Stoop mute over the graves of none. There's nothing to show it's a woman, and yet it is a woman. There's nothing to show she is old, and yet she is old. She is on unseen knees - stooped as some old gravestones stoop, in loving memory. In that old graveyard. The names have gone, so have the dates: from when to when. The stones stoop mute over the graves of none. Same stoop for all. Same vasts apart. Such last state. Latest state. Till somehow less in vain. Worse in vain. All gnawing to be naught. Never to be naught. The stoop is the same for them all. The same vast expanses separate them. Such is their last state - their latest state. Till somehow they are in vain less, in vain worse. All gnawing to be naught. And never to be naught. What were skull to go? As good as go. Into what then black hole? From out what then? What why of all? Better worse so? No. Skull better worse. What left of skull. Of soft. Worst why of all of all. So skull not go. What left of skull not go. Into it still the hole. Into what left of soft. From out what little left. What if the skull were to go (as good as go)? Into what would the black hole stare then? From what would it stare out then? What why of all? Is that how it is, for better or worse? No. For better or worse the skull is there - what is left of the skull, and of the soft of mind. Worst why of all of all. So the skull doesn't go - what is left of the skull doesn't go. The hole still goes into it - into what is left of the soft of mind, out from what little is left. Enough. Sudden enough. Sudden all far. No move and sudden all far. All least. Three pins. One pinhole. In dimmost dim. Vasts apart. At bounds of boundless void. Whence no farther. Best worse no farther. Nohow less. Nohow worse. Nohow naught. Nohow on. Enough: suddenly it's enough. Suddenly they are all far away: no movement and suddenly they are all far away, all least: three pins seen through one pinhole, in the dimmest dim. Vasts separate them. They are at the bounds of the boundless void, from where they will go no farther (for best or worse no farther). Nohow will they be less. Nohow worse. Nohow naught. Nohow on. Said nohow on. I have said "nohow on".
From http://www3.telus.net/public/klball/worstward_ho.htm |
to Samuel Beckett Resources