Barack "Erik Gruber" Obama: Self-Hating Amish Guy

Four years ago, I used the latest in faith-based scientific technology to prove that the OBAMUNIST USURPER is actually an Amish man named Erik Gruber. Now, the rest of the patriotsphere is beginning to their own investigations into the 's secret Amish heritage.

It all began with a tongue-in-cheek declaration by ABC News that Gruber/Obama is America's first Amish President. Newsbusters was the first patrioblog to respond, noting that Obama isn't a very pious Amishman, because he uses electricity:

...the Amish generally prohibit power-line electricity -- all the time, not just on the weekends. Can you imagine Michelle Obama churning butter in a frock and a bonnet?

Then, Glenn Beck's The Blaze weighed in, reminding readers that the OBAMUNIST USURPER commanded his henchmen at the Graves County District Court to bring the full coercive socialist power of the county to bear against Amish who refused to mount reflective triangles on the backs of their buggies.

And commenters at the Free Republic expressed doubt that "Michelle sews their [the Obama Family's] clothes."

What's next? Will we learn that the Obamas don't build their own furniture or that the daughters play with dolls that have faces?

More importantly, do the Amish elders have the guts to shun the President of the United States?

Obama's Demon Dogs of Sodomy

Gordon James Klingenschmitt, Chaplain, USN (ret)
PrayinJesusname.org

Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt,

Secularistoslamists, the gay, and other unwitting tools of the radical vegetarian movement are openly mocking your recent statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals. This is the kind of ridicule that can destroy a man and a movement. You must rebut them quickly or you will soon become a laughingstock.

I think I can help you. For years, uh, a friend, yeah a friend, of mine and his dog, Butch, have played this game where my friend packs his cave of shame with chunky peanut butter and lets 'ol Butch dig at it with his long, warm dog tongue. There's nothing sexual about it. I mean, it's not like I'm a pervert. Rick Santorum seems to be OK with it--at least he didn't tell me to stop. It just feels so damned good, and man, Butch really likes rooting around in there--it's like he's tonguing the marrow out of a bone.

Anyway, our little peanut butter game turned ugly after the OBAMUNIST USURPER came out in favor of homosexualist marriage. Butch was sitting there in front of the teevee when the OBAMUNIST USURPER said it, and I fear his words prompted demons to seize my little doggy's will.

Now, the game doesn't end with a smoke and a cuddle after the last peanut fragment is excavated. Instead, Butch mounts me, I mean my friend, and goes to town with his newly acquired homosexual lifestyle. There's nothing I can do about it, because Butch's demon freezes the muscles of my body and makes me howl delightfully.

Please use this story as evidence that you're statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals is true. Just leave the names out of it for Butch's and my friend's sake.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Beatitudes of Randian Jesus

Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene

The unJesused are in an uproar because Pastor Chuck O’Neal is suing a former congregant for writing a bad review on Google. Currently there are 592 reviews,nearly all of which attack Pastor O'Neal for his litigiousness, at the Beaverton Grace Bible Church Google Maps page.

I felt someone should stand up for him, so I added my own, positive review:

None of these modern, liberal, effeminate churches teach the truth about Jesus. He loved to sue people. There was nothing our Lord and Savior would rather do than drag some spice trader into court and ream him a new one. Heck, he even loved it more than crafting a fine cabernet out of ditch water.

They won't tell you that at the hippy churches, because it ain't in their heretical NIV or KJV Bibles. You gotta to go to the the original scriptures to read what Jesus really said. And by that, I don't mean those written in Greek; you gotta read the originals, the ones written in Norwegian.

Take a look at Matthew 5:7. The KJV believers will tell you it says "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." That's a lie. If you read that same scripture in Jesus' original Norwegian tongue, it says: "Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene." Translated to American, that means "Blessed are the litigious, for they shall sue the bastards."

The rest of the KJV's translation of the Beatitudes is no better. It leaves out the parts about blessing the torturers, the credit default swap traders, and those who taunt the poor, and, worse yet, the part about how it's unmanly to have sex with women--only an effeminate man would find such a soft and girly body attractive. Real men have sex, very heterosexual sex, with men, only. It's why all the apostles hung around Jesus rather than the Marys.You have to go to the original Norwegian to read that.

I bet they teach the Norwegian Bible at Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Pastor Chuck O’Neal sure sues like Jesus, and he looks like a man who's manly enough to deny his essence to women.

"Feminism Causes Cancer"

The Thinking Housewife's Laura Wood, or as I like to call her, "Serena Joy," did some hard, traditional-minded thinking and came to this conclusion:

The truth is, feminism causes breast cancer.

Abortion, delayed childbearing, childlessness, lack of breastfeeding, the birth control pill – many medical experts agree these phenomena, all abundantly supported by feminists, are connected to the striking increase in breast cancer in Western women.

Then she did some more thinking--this time about the OBAMUNIST USURPER'S statement about how not-men should be given opportunities to advance in this world--and concluded that such advancement would come at the cost of forsaking the Barbie ideal:

He’s right, of course. It is truly shocking how powerless women are. When I look at this picture of women dressed up as Barbie dolls, it reminds me of how much we have yet to gain. These women could be CEO’s or congresswomen or even PRESIDENT. If not for the Republican War on Women and millennia of oppression, they would be very busy right now. Someday, when equality is achieved, they — or women like them – will ascend the heights of power and become the bureaucratic goddesses they are meant to be.

There is a beautiful mountaintop, a Valhalla where all women will someday reside as CEO’s, congresswomen, college presidents, generals, franchise owners, etc. There they will rule the world, feasting on contraceptives and looking down on the male mortals below, who will have finally gotten their comeuppance. The laughter and shrieks of joy of these divine CEO’s will resound throughout the universe.

Or maybe she's saying that Barbie will rule Valhalla or become the CEO of Asgard Inc. It's hard to figure out what she means:

Obama said yesterday, “You are now poised to make this the century when women shape not only their own destiny, but the destiny of the whole nation.” How stirring! It’s amazing what a good deal a degree at Barnard is. If we are lucky, we may have Barbie as a president this century or, if the Paycheck Fairness Act is passed, Barbie as Ruler of the Universe. Imagine how smoothly things will run. Barbie never makes a false move.

Commenter Natassia tries to clear up the confusion:

And her biggest complaint was that it was always women trying to look like Barbie, rather than men trying to look like Ken...Many of my family members are a part of a culture that exalts physical appearance and particularly “sexiness.” I will not be a hypocrite and claim I was not once a part of it, because I was: nightclubs, calendar shoots, Photoshop, plastic surgery. Interestingly enough, there is a simmering misandry that occasionally bubbles to the surface when we women (or “jackals” as I call us) sit around the table drinking mimosas and mojitos. If one takes the role of Devil’s advocate, the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) accusation is that one is brainwashed by her husband–a ninny who can’t think for herself. My own mother has labeled me as such, and we are no longer on speaking terms.

OK, that didn't help. Perhaps commenter Jane S. can sort it all out:

Feminists would like to do away with monogamous marriage.

But what about Barbie, Amazon Valhalla, and the OBAMUNIST USURPER? "Serena Joy" seems to be telling us that none of that would matter in a traditional polygamous society:

While monogamy is beneficial to women, it is not true that polygamous societies are more oppressive of women than men. In fact, the opposite is true. In a polygamous culture, most women are guaranteed a husband. But a significant minority of men never have wives. Polygamous societies benefit powerful men and leave lower status men stranded. Poor men do not have wives, concubines and slave girls.

So polygamy is the answer. It benefits women by giving them a head of household rather than cancer or some filthy Norse heaven. As for Barbie, maybe that was some kind of zen thing.

Iran: It's Worse Than We Thought

The patriots who brought us evidence of Saddam's mobile bioweapons labs, intercontinental robotic flying machines of death, and Roombas of the Apocalypse, have released information about an even more sinister weapon development program.

On Sunday, intelligence officials released a drawing of an explosives containment chamber that Iran is using for "nuclear arms-related tests." Looking at the drawing, it seems clear that it is built for nuclear-related rather than conventional explosives because it has fins. It's like the difference between '59 Caddy and '55 Chevy Bel-Air. The fins make all the difference.



But, my research has found that the "containment chamber" is actually something far worse: a rumpus room for a Class B Death Star.

In Embarrassment's Deepest and Most Hellish Depths

I first wrote about my terrible experience with a femislamunistofascist not-man doctor back in 2006, but, I was reminded of it while having Mothers Day brunch with Ofjoshua--as if something called "brunch" isn't emasculating enough. God, I hope the guys at the shooting range don't hear I had brunch, or worse yet, Sheila the Morale Sheep. Her god damned bleats are sounding more like laughter every day.

Anyway, here's the story:

"Nothing remarkable"
Posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

As many of you may recall, the General had a scare a few weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. At first they thought it was my heart, but they later attributed my chest pain and tightness to some kind of virus in my chest wall--in other words they couldn't figure it out.

My doctor was off that night, so his colleague attended to me. She was a woman, a product of the seventies era feminism which has elevated women from the nursing positions God ordained for them and made them into physicians.

Taking note that my blood sugar level was high, she began to examine my body for signs of diabetes. I was very wary of allowing a woman to examine me, but my reluctance was over-ridden by the fog of morphine which clouded my mind. She started by examining my feet and ankles and then worked her way up my body. When she reached my little soldier's position, she lifted the front of my briefs and peered inside and said--and I am not kidding--she said, "Nothing remarkable, here."

I immediately glanced in the direction of Mrs. Christian who upon seeing my reaction, burst into laughter. It was humiliating. Here I was, restrained by the chains of morphine and the brutish authoritarian repression of the IV bottle and was was not in a position to escape these women's sadistic jabs at the expense of my most valued member, the part of me that makes me who I am.'

Since then, the remark and the accompaning laughter have haunted me. I am a man, dammit, and my little soldier is muscular and manly. Sure, he might not be the biggest brute in the neighborhood, but, by God, he's wirery.

And, it was cold in that hospital room. Yes, that's it. We've all experienced shrinkage due to a chill. You know what I'm saying is true.

Besides, as I've noted before, the whole size thing is a meme promoted by the feminists to make regular guys like myself feel insecure. Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it. I'll love my little soldier despite his size and lethargy.

Does anyone know where I can buy a Humvee?

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