Of Glory Rods and Glory Rings

Sister Jennifer Lynn Joy, Our Lady of the Miraculous Ice-Melting Salt and the Incredibly Prepared Earrings regales us with the tale of the The Amazing Gold Dust Showering Glory Ring of Cuban Renewal:

...I took the Glory Ring in my hands. My body just began to shake and shake and shake and I just couldn’t handle it. Then I began to be renewed but with a new gift of tongues...And another thing, when I took it back to my room once again I began to shake and this morning when I touched it again God is renewed me and since then, since I touched it, my hands have been full of gold dust. And I thought it was just because of the scarf I’ve been wearing because it has glitter on it but in fact when I looked around my friends around me they didn't have it, they didn't have the gold dust. I went to the bathroom I washed my hands, I really scrubbed them, they were really clean and then when I looked back again, my hands were full of gold dust.

I can only imagine the incredible wealth that could be generated if this glory ring was tapped by one of Sister Joy's new Glory Rods for the Tribes of Israel!

Don't miss out on "His Summons to Pray"

Sister Joy will be in Washington DC this weekend to answer "His Summons to Pray," a gathering of "intercessors for prophetic proclamation, divine declarations and intentional intercessory prayer." For the holy and sacred number of $69.00 US Dollars, you can join her.

The Sunday summons appears to be very special: "Minister Joy will be sharing revelations from the Throne of Grace..." There is no word as to whether she'll bring her "Prepare for the Bride Worship Hammers."

Previous posts about Sister Joy.

Now for something completely different

We don't need no Chinese comin' 'round here and insultin' our greatest almost-American singin' stars with their animated tomfoolery.

Where Mitt Learned Marketing

Last Friday. when I was looking for the Prophet's guidance in regard to how the Lord hates to watch "oral lovemaking in the genital area," I stumbled across a copy of "The Improvement Era" from 1960. It was the official magazine of the Mormon Church until it was replaced in 1970 by "The Ensign" and the "New Era". Here's how "The Improvement Era" described itself in its masthead:

Official organ of the Priesthood Quorums, Mutual Improvement Associations; Ward Teachers, Music Committee. Department of Education, and other agencies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

What I had forgotten about "The Improvement Era" was that it carried advertising for the faithful. I thought I'd share a few example with you from that December 1960 issue.

The ad on the left is for a book that deals with a subject that nearly constantly occupies the minds of the most observant Mormons: "Communist Muslims are going to bomb the poo poo out of us." On the right is an ad for a product that will help us survive the Great Poo Poo Splatter, a survival kit that will help us create the year supply of food the Prophet commands us to hoard.

Mormons believe that "The glory of God is intelligence," and that's reflected in the Era's ads for institutions of higher learning.

When I think about science I think about BYU. They'd have every Nobel Prize in physics if it wasn't for the bias against the Kolobian Universe Theory. And heck, no history or anthropology professors anywhere other than BYU have published anything about the great tapir-riding Lamanite warriors of Central America.

My mother graduated from the key punch machine operator program at the church-owned LDS Business College. She didn't know jack about key punch machine operating after graduation, but she knew every scripture about the proper role of women.

If Interstate Brick was good enough to build the Lord's houses, it was good enough to build our little shitholes.

"Dear Elaine" at the Church owned Deseret News was "Tops with the Teens." When "Love's Labor Lost" bristled at his father's demand that he get a new girlfriend or lose car privileges, she told him, "learn to like walking or get a new girlfriend."

Postum is the traditional morning beverage of my people. It tastes like jock strap, but, unlike coffee, it's Prophet approved.

I worked at UandI Sugar while I was a senior in high school. It was the most dangerous job I've ever had. I cleaned the silos by undermining huge columns of hardened sugar with a pickaxe in 100+ degree heat. Once I undermined the columns enough that the sugar began to fall, I had to scramble out of a tiny hatchway to avoid being buried and crushed. Two people died doing that work in the decade surrounding my tenure there. But that was okey dokie. UandI was church owned, so getting crushed by a mountain of sugar surely earned you a free pass into the Celestial Kingdom.

Church-owned KSL Radio had the honor to cover BYU's legendary white basketball player factory. Yes, they helped give the world Danny Ainge.

Why Mitt and Ann Seem So Frustrated

Have you ever wondered why Mitt and Ann Romney seem so frustrated. Perhaps the answer lies in letters issued by two Mormon prophets, Harold B. Lee and Spencer W. Kimball:

President Lee (1973):

I was shocked to have you raise the question about 'oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.' Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice.

President Kimball (1982):

Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord. All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.

This is the second of two posts I wrote today. Please scroll down to read "Bonin' For the Lord with God's Attorney."

Bonin' For the Lord with God's Attorney

During the day, James M. Henderson Sr performs our Lord and Savior's work as a senior attorney for Jay Sekulow's American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ). It's a tough job, but Brother Henderson loves being in the middle of the fray for such important cases as Bush v. Gore and the battle to keep Terri Sciavo's body on-line years after the Mormons baptized her brain. Even more satisfying for him, it's a job that keeps him in the front lines working to bring prayer to public schools, assisting Jack Abramoff in relieving Indian casino owners of their ill-got gains, and fighting to compel women to give birth.

At night after kissing his wife goodbye, the sixty-something-year-old father of eight children relaxes by assuming the alias "Kyle Johnson" and smoking fat ones with his crew, the pair of nice, young, firm buttocked men pictured below:

Unfortunately, Satan worked on these young boys, convincing them that Brother Henderson might be a secret homosexualist with a hankering to enslave them in a life of sin, so they told a blogger everything they knew about him.

The next day, Brother Henderson's profile mysteriously disappeared from the ACLJ's web site.

This is the first of two posts I wrote today. Read about "why Mitt and Ann Seem So Frustrated."

Sen. Scott Brown Viciously Attacks Mitt Romney's Religious Beliefs

For the last week or so, Sen. Scott Brown has been taunting Elizabeth Warren about her Native American heritage. He says there's no way she could be part Cherokee, because her skin lacks the melanin that marks the swarthy hoards as being less worthy of Jesus' love than God's chosen Americans.

By assailing Warren in this way, Sen. Brown is attacking Mitt Romney's most deeply held religious beliefs about Native Americans, or "Lamanites" as Mitt calls them. According to the late Mormon prophet, seer and revelator, Spencer W. Kimball, God is lifting His melanin curse from righteous Lamanites thus making them as "white and delightsome" as a bonafide Osmond.

From President Kimball's October 1960 General Conference sermon (published in the Church's official organ, "The Improvement Era" (December 1960, p. 223):

I am sure. The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos; five were darker but equally delightsome.
The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl—sixteen —sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents — on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather. There was the doctor in a Utah city who for two years had had an Indian boy in his home who stated that he was some shades lighter than the younger brother just coming into the program from the reservation. These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

Climbing Back Up to that Shockingly Shiny City

And now for something completely different

Special note to Jim. You know that strange blog you showed to Miss C, yesterday? Yes, she really does know the author. Poor gal is related to the sick bastard.

Misogyny, thy Name is "Nigger"

The tradition-o-sphere resounded with the happy yelps of well-placed lashes on Sunday, as an unlikely ally attempted to ease the sad, sorry plight of the American male. The unlikely ally, an unheartlandishly-hued not-man who answers to the name, Nurdy Dancing, produced a video that dared to expose a form of bigorty that is rarely acknowledged outside of Republican Party strategy meetings--that bigotry is the hatred of men who hate women.

Sister Dancing begins her video with a refresher course on the slur so favored by her ancestors' oppressors.

There were words the upper class used to keep those lower beings in line, and check those who’d forgotten their place. One of these words seemed more effective than the others.

Nigger.

That was what they were, after all.

Niggers weren’t the same as human beings. They were legally and socially less than the privileged class. Niggers could be harmed and the police probably wouldn’t help them. Niggers were subject to vigilante justice.

She then compares it to the favored slur of today's greatest class of oppressors, the sick, twisted promoters of gender equality:

I see an entire class of people who can be harmed by a member of a privileged class and there is no help for them. They can be legally abused and everyone looks the other way. There are those members of the lower class who try to make themselves as useful to their superiors as possible or keep their heads down unless spoken to and then he’d better say what ever pleases his superior, that is the safest way to behave.

I hear the privileged use a few words to try and keep the troublemakers in line. One seems to be a particular favorite.

Misogynist.

Misogynists aren’t the same as other human beings. You don’t have to listen to anything a misogynist says. They aren’t allowed the same rights as everyone else. Debate with the superiors? Pfft, what for? They are just a bunch of angry misogynists after all.

Thank God, someone is finally standing up for those who recognize their mothers, wives, and daughters for the vile jezebels they are.

God Was Just Funnin' With Lisa Welchel

Survivor reality-actress Lisa Whelchel has a very close relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Homer Christ. Indeed, she loves our Redeemer with such fervor, she refused to act in an episode of her hit 80's sitcom, "The Facts of Life," because it dealt with premarital sex.

As a young mother, Sister Welchel used her celebrity to teach other moms how to train their children up in the ways of the Lord:

For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I 'spank' my kids' tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child's tongue.

And of course, whenever Sister Lisa has to make a big decision, she leaves it up to Jesus to make it for her. That's exactly what she did when Steve Cauble, the pastor of the celebrity Bible study group she attended with Debbie Boone, Charlene Tilton, and Donna Summer, asked for her hand in opposite sex marriage:

I had my hands lifted to the Lord as a gesture of praise when I felt the sensation of a gentle weight descend upon me. I recognized this feeling as the presence of the Holy Spirit. And because this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day, or even every year, I knew enough to pay attention. As I waited expectantly, the thought popped into my head, Would you ever consider marrying Steve Cauble?

[...]

Okay, I believe there is a God. I have met Him personally, and He has proven Himself trustworthy in my life many times. I know that I know that He adores me and that He is good through and through. He is stronger than the devil’s schemes, and He is more powerful than circumstances, coincidences, or cowardliness. I could rest in this because I also knew for certain that I had sought His will with a pure heart.

The choice was mine. Was I going to trust God or trust my heart? I knew the decision I had to make, and I felt an unexplainable peace about it. When I boarded a plane home, I was wearing my new engagement ring and carrying the “Now That You Are Engaged” book I had purchased earlier in the week. I figured that since I had decided to marry this man whether the feelings were there or not, I could probably use all the help I could get...

When I got off that plane, I ran into my fiancé’s arms and gave him the sloppiest kiss you ever did see!

What do you know that you know that you know about God? Do you believe that He is all-powerful? Do you trust that He is all-good? Is He all-loving and all-holy? These are questions that you need to settle in your heart. There may come a time in your life when the only thing you can count on is the character of God. And that will be enough.

Twenty-four years later, Jesus, probably 3 jugs of water to the wind, blurted out to Sister Welchel that he was just "funnin'" with her; Pastor Steve was never meant to be her husband. Relieved, Lisa and Steve quickly filed for divorce.