Brother Osmond's Teatriotic Osmond Brother

Alan Osmond doesn't get all the attention Donny and Marie get. He's not out there Jenny Craiging or Dancing with the Stars. He's got more important things to do, things like serving his church, selling smelly oils, and complainin' about the guvmint. Actually, it's more like angrilly shouting random words about how Obama is like some ancient American bandit army of communists run by the Devil and the Antichrist. Or something. Heck, I can't quite figure it out. Take a look at this blog post he wrote and you'll see what I mean:

NRA SUES OBAMA ADMIMISTRATION OVER NEW FIREARM REGULATIONS

Ezra Taft Benson, a former President of the LDS Chuch stated in the November 1988 edition of the Ensign) in an article entitled “I Testify”, that “A secret combination that seeks to overthrow the freedom of all lands, nations, and countries is increasing its evil influence and control over America and the entire world.”

...This overall combination composed of religious, financial, and political committees cooperates and co-ordinates with all the other groups to accomplish their ultimate plan which is a one-world government called the New World Order.

That plan also entails the creation of a one-world religion, to the exclusion of all others. To accomplish the dual goal of a one-world government and religion, they have already engaged the services of a man who is and will be the Anti-Christ.

During the Cold War, LDS Apostle Ezra Taft Benson repeatedly described communism as a secret combination.

...LDS President Gordon B. Hinckley compared modern terrorists to the “Gadianton robbers, a vicious, oath-bound, and secret organization bent on evil and destruction.”

Scriptures record:

“And it came to pass in the *thirteenth year there began to be wars and contentions throughout all the land; for the Gadianton robbers had become so numerous, and did slay so many of the people, and did lay waste so many cities, and did spread so much death and carnage throughout the land, that it became expedient that all the people, both the Nephites and the Lamanites, should take up arms against them.

Therefore, all the Lamanites who had become converted unto the Lord did unite with their brethren, the Nephites, and were compelled, for the safety of their lives and their women and their children, to take up arms against those Gadianton robbers, yea, and also to maintain their rights, and the privileges of their church and of their worship, and their freedom and their liberty.

[Brother Osmond brings the Devil in here, but you've seen enough.]

Holy rameumpton, Brother Osmond's stream of consciousness style is hard to follow. You have to wonder if those smelly oils he sells might be jacking him up like a youth pastor at a pee wee wrestling match. That's powerful stuff he's peddling. It cures everything from flatulence and lymphoma to genital warts and radiation damage.

But simply not making sense doesn't mean he's wrong. Elder Osmond is using all the right words. I mean hey, if he's using "Obama," "communist," "new world order, "the devil" "Antichrist," "Gadiantan Robbers" and "Lamanites" along with the words of our prophets and scriptures, he must be speaking the truth.

Influential Conservative Activist Says Obama is After Our White Women

A quick look at John Hawkins resume serves as proof  that he's a very busy man:

• Founder and Publisher, Right Wing News
• Founder, Rightroots, Slatecard, and Raising Red conservative fundraising operations
• Columnist, TownHall.com
• Advisor, Duncan Hunter for President

But with all that, Brother Hawkins still has time to warn us that Obama is after our white women:

Of Glory Rods and Glory Rings

Sister Jennifer Lynn Joy, Our Lady of the Miraculous Ice-Melting Salt and the Incredibly Prepared Earrings regales us with the tale of the The Amazing Gold Dust Showering Glory Ring of Cuban Renewal:

...I took the Glory Ring in my hands. My body just began to shake and shake and shake and I just couldn’t handle it. Then I began to be renewed but with a new gift of tongues...And another thing, when I took it back to my room once again I began to shake and this morning when I touched it again God is renewed me and since then, since I touched it, my hands have been full of gold dust. And I thought it was just because of the scarf I’ve been wearing because it has glitter on it but in fact when I looked around my friends around me they didn't have it, they didn't have the gold dust. I went to the bathroom I washed my hands, I really scrubbed them, they were really clean and then when I looked back again, my hands were full of gold dust.

I can only imagine the incredible wealth that could be generated if this glory ring was tapped by one of Sister Joy's new Glory Rods for the Tribes of Israel!

Don't miss out on "His Summons to Pray"

Sister Joy will be in Washington DC this weekend to answer "His Summons to Pray," a gathering of "intercessors for prophetic proclamation, divine declarations and intentional intercessory prayer." For the holy and sacred number of $69.00 US Dollars, you can join her.

The Sunday summons appears to be very special: "Minister Joy will be sharing revelations from the Throne of Grace..." There is no word as to whether she'll bring her "Prepare for the Bride Worship Hammers."

Previous posts about Sister Joy.

Now for something completely different

We don't need no Chinese comin' 'round here and insultin' our greatest almost-American singin' stars with their animated tomfoolery.

Where Mitt Learned Marketing

Last Friday. when I was looking for the Prophet's guidance in regard to how the Lord hates to watch "oral lovemaking in the genital area," I stumbled across a copy of "The Improvement Era" from 1960. It was the official magazine of the Mormon Church until it was replaced in 1970 by "The Ensign" and the "New Era". Here's how "The Improvement Era" described itself in its masthead:

Official organ of the Priesthood Quorums, Mutual Improvement Associations; Ward Teachers, Music Committee. Department of Education, and other agencies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

What I had forgotten about "The Improvement Era" was that it carried advertising for the faithful. I thought I'd share a few example with you from that December 1960 issue.

The ad on the left is for a book that deals with a subject that nearly constantly occupies the minds of the most observant Mormons: "Communist Muslims are going to bomb the poo poo out of us." On the right is an ad for a product that will help us survive the Great Poo Poo Splatter, a survival kit that will help us create the year supply of food the Prophet commands us to hoard.

Mormons believe that "The glory of God is intelligence," and that's reflected in the Era's ads for institutions of higher learning.

When I think about science I think about BYU. They'd have every Nobel Prize in physics if it wasn't for the bias against the Kolobian Universe Theory. And heck, no history or anthropology professors anywhere other than BYU have published anything about the great tapir-riding Lamanite warriors of Central America.

My mother graduated from the key punch machine operator program at the church-owned LDS Business College. She didn't know jack about key punch machine operating after graduation, but she knew every scripture about the proper role of women.

If Interstate Brick was good enough to build the Lord's houses, it was good enough to build our little shitholes.

"Dear Elaine" at the Church owned Deseret News was "Tops with the Teens." When "Love's Labor Lost" bristled at his father's demand that he get a new girlfriend or lose car privileges, she told him, "learn to like walking or get a new girlfriend."

Postum is the traditional morning beverage of my people. It tastes like jock strap, but, unlike coffee, it's Prophet approved.

I worked at UandI Sugar while I was a senior in high school. It was the most dangerous job I've ever had. I cleaned the silos by undermining huge columns of hardened sugar with a pickaxe in 100+ degree heat. Once I undermined the columns enough that the sugar began to fall, I had to scramble out of a tiny hatchway to avoid being buried and crushed. Two people died doing that work in the decade surrounding my tenure there. But that was okey dokie. UandI was church owned, so getting crushed by a mountain of sugar surely earned you a free pass into the Celestial Kingdom.

Church-owned KSL Radio had the honor to cover BYU's legendary white basketball player factory. Yes, they helped give the world Danny Ainge.

Why Mitt and Ann Seem So Frustrated

Have you ever wondered why Mitt and Ann Romney seem so frustrated. Perhaps the answer lies in letters issued by two Mormon prophets, Harold B. Lee and Spencer W. Kimball:

President Lee (1973):

I was shocked to have you raise the question about 'oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.' Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice.

President Kimball (1982):

Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord. All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.

This is the second of two posts I wrote today. Please scroll down to read "Bonin' For the Lord with God's Attorney."

Bonin' For the Lord with God's Attorney

During the day, James M. Henderson Sr performs our Lord and Savior's work as a senior attorney for Jay Sekulow's American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ). It's a tough job, but Brother Henderson loves being in the middle of the fray for such important cases as Bush v. Gore and the battle to keep Terri Sciavo's body on-line years after the Mormons baptized her brain. Even more satisfying for him, it's a job that keeps him in the front lines working to bring prayer to public schools, assisting Jack Abramoff in relieving Indian casino owners of their ill-got gains, and fighting to compel women to give birth.

At night after kissing his wife goodbye, the sixty-something-year-old father of eight children relaxes by assuming the alias "Kyle Johnson" and smoking fat ones with his crew, the pair of nice, young, firm buttocked men pictured below:

Unfortunately, Satan worked on these young boys, convincing them that Brother Henderson might be a secret homosexualist with a hankering to enslave them in a life of sin, so they told a blogger everything they knew about him.

The next day, Brother Henderson's profile mysteriously disappeared from the ACLJ's web site.

This is the first of two posts I wrote today. Read about "why Mitt and Ann Seem So Frustrated."

Sen. Scott Brown Viciously Attacks Mitt Romney's Religious Beliefs

For the last week or so, Sen. Scott Brown has been taunting Elizabeth Warren about her Native American heritage. He says there's no way she could be part Cherokee, because her skin lacks the melanin that marks the swarthy hoards as being less worthy of Jesus' love than God's chosen Americans.

By assailing Warren in this way, Sen. Brown is attacking Mitt Romney's most deeply held religious beliefs about Native Americans, or "Lamanites" as Mitt calls them. According to the late Mormon prophet, seer and revelator, Spencer W. Kimball, God is lifting His melanin curse from righteous Lamanites thus making them as "white and delightsome" as a bonafide Osmond.

From President Kimball's October 1960 General Conference sermon (published in the Church's official organ, "The Improvement Era" (December 1960, p. 223):

I am sure. The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos; five were darker but equally delightsome.
The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl—sixteen —sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents — on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather. There was the doctor in a Utah city who for two years had had an Indian boy in his home who stated that he was some shades lighter than the younger brother just coming into the program from the reservation. These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

Climbing Back Up to that Shockingly Shiny City

And now for something completely different

Special note to Jim. You know that strange blog you showed to Miss C, yesterday? Yes, she really does know the author. Poor gal is related to the sick bastard.