I know we’re all looking forward to the first presidential debate tomorrow night but don’t expect either candidate to do well. Both the Obama and Romney campaigns have set expectations so low that it will be shocking if they remember to wear pants. Of course there’s another debate tonight that merits your attention: Ted Cruz v. Paul Sadler (/who?). While I’ve written about Cruz on a number of occasions I know nothing about Sadler except for the fact that he’s apparently a Democrat. Normally I wouldn’t be watching a senatorial debate because I consider them beneath me but I’m writing a column for the Observer so I’ll have to skip my regular Tuesday evening yoga class in order to watch. I do plan on performing balancing postures during the debate while scoffing, which is my typical yogi expression.

Personally what I would most like to hear in tonight’s debate is what the candidates think of spanking. In case you haven’t heard the Springtown school district has been in the news as of late after a couple of high school girls were paddled by male assistant principals hard enough to leave bruises on their posterior regions. Not that Springtown’s corporal punishment policy doesn’t allow for paddling. It’s just that the spanking is supposed to be conducted by someone of the same sex.

One of the girl’s mothers, Cathi Watt, is normally OK with paddlings “because they need it once in a while, and I got them when I was a kid.” Watt added that her daughter deserved her spankings after she made sarcastic remarks to her teacher but said she did not deserve to be bruised. Watt is also concerned that the opposite-sex paddlings sends the wrong message to boys. “Is it telling them that it’s OK to hit a girl?” That’s silly. It’s only OK for educators, people in positions of authority, to hit their students.

In order to address this important issue, school board members voted last week to… continue to allow administrators to paddle students of the opposite sex. As long as someone of the same sex is present during the spanking session. And an adult film camera crew.

Anyway it’s not like the parents don’t know this sort of thing is going on. As school superintendent Michael Kelley explained, “They’ll call us up and tell us, when their child commits an infraction, that parent will call up and tell that principal, ‘Why don’t you just give ’em a swat?’” I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t they have the parents come in for a paddling? They’re the ones who raised these disrespectful little monsters.

(I tagged this post “spanking” and was surprised how many times I’ve written about it. Hoping this makes the tag cloud.)

I’ve always liked a good conspiracy. Yesterday I finally started watching the first season of Homeland and I’m totally hooked and if you put any spoilers in the comments you will be immediately banned from this blog which will force you to go out and get a real life involving real people. I hate that I’m just now watching as I always want to be one of the smug early viewers who tells anyone who will listen that OH MY GOD you’re missing the best show on television. This happened to me with The Wire too. However I was the only person in my high school to discover thirtysomething so there’s that.

But there’s a real conspiracy afoot in certain Republican circles involving the inherent liberal bias of veteran pollsters—A VAST LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY OF NUMBER CRUNCHERS—that is posing a true threat to our very democracy. The polls that are showing Obama leading nationally and in almost every swing state are obviously skewed and if you can’t see that then I guess you just believe in “data.” Dummy. On Fox News last week Dick Morris, that toe-sucking rodent, predicted that Romney will win in Florida, Ohio, Virginia, Nevada and Pennsylvania and win the race overall explaining that “the polling this year is the worst it has ever been.” Of course it is. Because your candidate’s dying a slow death.

(Yes, I know I’m not supposed to say that out loud because the universe will hear me and will punish me for being overly confident and Romney will win. So you can blame me if that happens.)

“[The polls] are designed to do exactly what I have warned you to be vigilant about and that is to depress you and suppress your vote,” said Rush Limbaugh. “[They] are designed to convince everybody this election is over.” Ah, yes. Voter suppression. Democrats always pull that crap.

Luckily for people who are interested in hearing the truth, there’s a helpful website, unskewedpolls.com, that is tracking the real numbers, the ones that show Romney in the lead. It’s so trustworthy that even Rick Perry tweeted about it saying, “Always nice to get unfiltered, or in this case ‘unskewed,’ information.” I don’t know about you but pretty much anything with the official Perry-approved stamp on it is good enough for me.

But it is a little curious that Unskewed Polls is tracking the 2112 campaign. Further proof that Romney intends to be cryogenically preserved and thawed out in time for that election.

Despite earlier revelations that the reason Rick Perry performed so poorly in the debates and on the campaign trail was due to his lifelong struggle with sleep apnea, the governor is now denying that he ever had the medical condition. (Such as it is. It’s kind of in the same grouping as “restless leg syndrome” and “chronic fatigue”). You’re SO MUCH BETTER OFF claiming temporary insanity from sleep apnea than admitting that you really are that incompetent.

According to Perry it “probably wasn’t a good diagnosis.” Yeah. I use that one all the time. Like when my team of psychiatrists told me that I was “clinically crazy” and had “little hope of living a normal life,” I comforted myself by saying that it “probably wasn’t a good diagnosis” and went and got a second opinion. I’m currently on my 14th opinion. Perry went on to explain that his sleep was being disrupted because of a sensitive nerve issue in his foot. Brought on by constantly sticking it in his mouth. Oh. My. God.

After speaking at an event yesterday Perry told reporters that he “slept pretty much all night last night. Best I can tell, I didn’t snore or make any untowards [sic] noises.” What “untowards [sic]” noises is he referring to? The only noise I make in my sleep, aside from unladylike snoring, is when I laugh. It’s true. If I’m laughing in my dream, I laugh out loud, like when I’m dreaming of people being sucked into the ether by mysterious forces.

“[Sleep apnea] was one idea that came up, and the doctor said, ‘Well you may have it. You may not,’” Perry said. “Anyway, it’s a no never mind now. I’m sleeping rather well.”

Well that settles that. No-never-mind-now.

Finally we know why Rick Perry’s presidential campaign was such a colossal failure. The man couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep. Yes, according to Jay Root’s new book (pure gold for political junkies in desperate need of another fix, by the way), the governor suffered from sleep apnea which had gone undiagnosed for years before Perry’s advisers needed a convenient excuse for the candidate’s very public meltdown in which words quite literally escaped him. I’m not saying that Perry didn’t suffer from sleep apnea. I’m just saying that exhaustion seemed to be the least of the guy’s problems.

While I don’t typically disclose intimate personal details, here’s one: I snore. Not like a cute purring sound but an all-out potbelly pig snort. It’s gotten noticeably worse through the years to the point where my husband wants to drop me off at a sleep disorders clinic. Like, forever. But you don’t see me blaming my many deficiencies on multiple obstructed air movements. I recognize it’s a problem and I deal with it, mostly by adding, “Don’t blame me, I suffer from clinical snoring and am in constant distress,” to the end of every sentence.

Apparently on the morning of one of the debates, Perry announced that he hadn’t slept a wink. A Republican committee woman was “shocked” by his appearance during a commercial that night saying, “His hand was so cold, like ice. And he was sweating. I don’t know what it was, but something was definitely wrong.” Seriously? It’s called public speaking. The few times I’ve been asked to speak at an event I sweat straight through my shirt and break out into hives.

Following his rambling performance that night Perry consulted sleep specialists who diagnosed him with sleep apnea and prescribed one of those Hannibal Lecter-type plastic masks to ensure constant breathing. Unfortunately even after addressing his illness, it appears that Perry is still, clinically speaking, a loon.

In an interview with Evan Smith Perry wanted to “go on the record as saying, I believe in Satan. If you don’t want to think there is [sic] forces of darkness and spirits and spiritual warfare, that’s your call.” I’m not sure if he was directly addressing Evan as not believing in the forces of darkness or whether he was preaching to all of us but I, for one, believe in Satan as well. And I believe he comes at night and tries to steal the oxygen of God-fearing Christians, breath by breath.

He’s testing us.

If you missed the Sunday talk shows then you missed Ann Coulter on This Week and Bay Buchanan on Meet the Press. Without a doubt Bay Buchanan was worse than The Evil Queen of Nasty. Where did they dig her up from? I remember seeing her once at McLean Family Restaurant when I was back in Virginia and thinking it was Pat Buchanan on a bad hair day. (The resemblance is uncanny.) Unfortunately for the Romney campaign, Bay was speaking as a representative of the Romney campaign. Little known fact: She converted from Catholicism to Mormonism back in the ’70s. I have never, ever heard of a Catholic becoming a Mormon. Most Catholics leave the church to become lapsed Catholics who enjoy telling people that although they “grew up” Catholic they are no longer “practicing.” WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAY JUDAS?

Today is F. Scott Fitzgerald’s birthday and I know this because of my homemade Great Literary Figures calendar which is conveniently located next to my 12 Months of Henry! calendar. (“Oh, let’s see who’s going to be Mr. Cute today! It looks like you’re going to be Mr. Cute today! Again!”) If Fitzgerald hadn’t died he’d be 116 years old (young!) today. In his honor I have carefully selected the following quote from The Great Gatsby for Mitt Romney.

Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.

Editor’s note: The Texas Tribune’s Jay Root has a new eBook out about Rick Perry’s stunning presidential campaign called “Oops!” When I ran into him a couple of weeks ago and he told me he had published this book I was like, Really? I just published a book about Perry myself! And he was like, what’s the title? And I was like, “Oops!” Then I told him he’d be hearing from my team of attorneys.

Until then you can get Jay’s book here. Or read an excerpt here.

In a conference call with Christian conservatives yesterday Rick Perry declared that the separation of church and state is “the devil’s work.” He added that we should round up all the suspected witches and throw them into the water to see if they’ll sink or float, which is totally unfair because either way you’re dead. Better start practicing holding your breath for extended periods of time. Fortunately for me I’ve been practicing since childhood, holding my breath every time we passed a cemetery so that a restless spirit who has yet to make it to the afterlife can’t suck out my soul.

It’s not as though we didn’t already know that Perry is the one true prophet, sent directly by God to save us from ourselves. If anyone’s doing the Lord’s work, it’s our governor. And by “the Lord’s work” I mean “bringing Formula One racing to Austin.” There’s nothing God loves more than fast cars and loose women.

According to Perry the only way to prevent the Obama Administration from removing all religious references from the public realm is to rally the “Christian warriors and Christian soldiers.” Unfortunately right now they’re fighting the war against Islam and the reserve troops are just terrible. Perry went on to say that people of faith have “a biblical responsibility to be involved in the public arena proclaiming God’s truth.” Speaking as someone who is well-versed in everything biblical due to years of Catholic school indoctrination I don’t remember the gospels specifically saying anything about electing only evangelicals to the district school boards but if we don’t then our children will be taught false theories like evolution.

“Satan runs across the world with his doubt and with his untruths and what have you, and one of the untruths out there that is driven is that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena,” Perry said. Exactly why we need a Mormon in the White House. Perry talked at length about Obama’s war on religion referring to it as “spiritual warfare.” You see that? Class warfare has been upgraded to spiritual warfare. As in the war for your spirit. It’s totally your choice whether you want to be guided by Satan or pick up your cross and follow Rick Perry.

Please note my new tag, 2016. It’s happening. Again.

(And in case you missed it because you don’t really support me despite what you say to my face, here’s my latest column in the Texas Observer about Texas politicos like Perry responding to the crisis in the Middle East.)

I apologize for the late posting. I was attacked by a ruthless army of fire ants last night while picking up my dog’s excrement. My foot immediately ballooned into an unrecognizable appendage that I had to drag behind me all the way home, sometimes forcibly pulling it along with both hands. So this morning I took an expired Benadryl and have been in somewhat of an indistinct haze all day. But then I’m preaching to the choir, am I right?

In case you haven’t heard, a full ONE TO TWO MINUTES were omitted from the surreptitious recording of Mitt Romney saying what he means to a bunch of rich people who think the same thing. The glaring omission falls between parts one and two of the video, which Mother Jones says is due to its source inadvertently shutting down the device. A likely story. WE WANT MITT ROMNEY UNCUT. WAIT I TAKE THAT BACK.

The missing two minutes was first noted, through meticulous video watching and animated GIFs, on Glenn Beck’s website: “It seems reasonable to ask, why did the video cut out at such a crucial part? Where is the missing video?” Some other conservative blogger provided even more scrutiny: “Looking into the distance at the room itself: the ceiling and support column, the chairs, etc, the placement of the camera has not changed in this time.”

Oh My God. It’s worse than we thought. Clearly in those two minutes everyone on the planet simultaneously lost consciousness during an otherworldly blackout and now we’re having cryptic flashforward visions.

You know, I basically don’t say anything anymore without carefully checking every corner of my house for recording devices. I also make it a practice to pat down both friends and acquaintances to make sure they’re not wired. Sure, it can be awkward when I rip open their shirts and find that they’re clean but better safe than sorry. (Right. Like I’m supposed to believe that that’s a pacemaker.)

So when the infamous undercover Romney video—in which he basically says that half of the people voting for Obama are welfare queens—emerged yesterday, my first reaction was not necessarily to be insulted by his crude comments but rather to wonder how anyone running for office can be that much of a moron. YOU ARE ALWAYS BEING RECORDED. EVERY STUPID THING YOU SAY IS ON THE RECORD. YOU’RE SO STUPID.

The video, obtained by Mother Jones, was taken at a fundraiser back in May. In May? What the hell have they been doing in the meantime, outside of their riveting 20-part investigative series on the return of pink slime?

Here’s what Romney had to say:

There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to healthcare, to food, to housing, to you name it.

These are people who pay no income tax. … [M]y job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

Yes. “Those people.” As in, those people who can’t afford to attend $50,000/pop rubber chicken dinners. Wait. That means I’m one of those people! Don’t lump me in with those people! And can you imagine that those people think they’re entitled to food? Of course, as president the first thing you should do is ignore half of the electorate. But wait! There’s more! How can you insult those people without also insulting Latinos?

Had [my father] been born of Mexican parents, I’d have a better shot of winning this.

HA HA HA. Too bad I’m not a poor Mexican!

After the video surfaced Romney held an impromptu press conference saying that although he stands by his remarks, they weren’t “elegantly stated” and that he had spoken “off the cuff.” Dude. The very definition of speaking “off the cuff” is “saying what you really think.”

The fundraiser was held at the Boca Raton home of private equity manager Marc Leder, whose Sun Capital firm bought and sold and screwed companies while laying off hundreds of workers. If this sounds familiar, it’s probably because it’s totally the poor man’s Bain Capital and none other than Mitt Romney was an early investor in Sun Capital. OMG! Isn’t it funny when billionaires help other billionaires steal those people’s money? But that’s not even the best part. Apparently Leder is a sex fiend. The NY Post reported last year that Leder threw a wild party in the Hamptons “where guests cavorted nude in the pool and performed sex acts, scantily dressed Russians danced on platforms and men twirled lit torches to a booming techno beat.” That’s totally offensive. I hate booming techno beats.

But as Mother Jones thoughtfully noted, no illicit sex acts were recorded on the secret fundraiser videos. Yet. God knows nothing turns on rich people more than sticking it to poor people.

I must say when I first read Maureen Dowd’s column yesterday I had no idea it was filled with salacious anti-Semitic imagery. But then she is a Catholic and us Catholics are notoriously anti-Jew. (See: Mel Gibson, The Passion of the Christ.) Also, being a relative naïf, I am quite susceptible to subliminal messaging.

Dowd’s despicable column, entitled “Neocons Slither Back,” was, not surprisingly, about chaos in the Middle East and Romney’s hawkish foreign policy advisers who bear an eerie resemblance to Cheney and Wolfowitz. What was surprising was the way she surreptitiously skewers Jews every other word.

Romney’s cynical braying about Obama appeasement in the midst of the attack on the American diplomatic post in Libya and the murder of the brave ambassador, Christopher Stevens, was shameful. Richard Williamson, a Romney adviser, had the gall to tell The Washington Post, “There’s a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation.”

He’s right — a scarier situation. If President Romney acceded to Netanyahu’s outrageous demand for clear red lines on Iran, this global confrontation would be a tiny foretaste of the conflagration to come.

I’ve never read anything so anti-Semitic in my entire life. You can see why some in the Jewish community were outraged. Atlantic columnist Jeffrey Goldberg wrote that “Maureen may not know this, but she is peddling an old stereotype, that gentile leaders are dolts unable to resist the machinations and manipulations of clever and snake-like Jews.” How did I miss that part?

“Dowd’s column marks yet another step down into the pit of hate-mongering that has become all too common at the Times,” said Commentary’s Jonathan Tobin. “This is a tipping point that should alarm even the most stalwart liberal Jewish supporters of the president.” Columnist Ira Stoll: “Depictions of Jews as snakes or puppeteers are classical anti-Semitic images, right up there with blood-sucking.”

Ah, yes. Her reference of “snakes,” a word which doesn’t even appear in the column. The “slither” bit was actually a direct quote from Wolfowitz: “Paul Wolfowitz, an Iraq war architect, weighed in on Fox News, slimily asserting that President Obama should not be allowed to ‘slither through’ without a clear position on Libya.”

NYT editorial page editor and anti-Semite Andrew Rosenthal, dismissed the criticism saying that “no fair-minded reading of Maureen Dowd’s column supports the allegations… She makes no reference, direct or implied, to anyone’s religion.” And here’s TIME’s Joe Klein:

Maureen Dowd didn’t write a particularly rigorous column about the role of neoconservatives in misleading Republicans over the past decade, but she is no anti-semite. I don’t think she was at all conscious of the the snake metaphors and other vestiges of Jew-hating from the Middle Ages that her critics are now raising. Why should she be? It seems to me–do I have to say: as a Jew?–that this is the least anti-Semitic moment of my many decades of life on this planet.

Traitor.

Personally what I found most upsetting about Dowd’s column, aside from all the hate, was her reference to the taped appearance of Ann and Mitt on “Live! with Kelly and Michael,” in which Mitt tries to convince America that although he may be a cyborg he’s a warm and friendly cyborg who enjoys peanut butter sandwiches with chocolate milk. Also he’s “kind of a Snooki fan.” In other words, a devout Mormon who likes a drunken girl from Jersey who sleeps around and had a baby outside of wedlock.

But the worst?

Ann, what does Mitt wear to bed?
[LAUGHTER]
Mitt: I hear the best answer is as little as possible.

NO THAT IS NOT THE BEST ANSWER. THE BEST ANSWER FOR YOU WOULD BE FLANNEL PAJAMAS BOTH TOPS AND BOTTOMS.

Thank God Perry, the go-to guy on foreign policy, has weighed in on Libya.

Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans are now dead in the chaos of a destabilized Middle East. President Obama said he “rejects” these brutal acts, and condemns them in “the strongest terms” – yet still acknowledges our attackers’ supposed justification. This kind of language broadcasts an impotent foreign policy that fostered this crisis in the first place.

In the naïve belief that America could “lead from behind” in the operation to remove him, this President allowed Libyan rockets and artillery to be scattered to the terrorist winds and had no plan to secure the country.

Combined with President Obama’s shameful lack of leadership in Egypt that culminated in the burning of our flag in our own embassy in Cairo yesterday, it is no wonder our enemies in the region are emboldened and our allies are afraid.

Although I must say that “terrorist winds” is quite poetic.

PLEASE STOP TALKING.

Good God.

There are times when we must rise above politics to come together in crisis. Like a tragedy in Libya that left a U.S. ambassador dead as well as three other Americans. But apparently Mitt Romney DIDN’T GET THE MEMO. Romney seized on this opportunity to criticize the Obama administration for what he called its “disgraceful” and “conciliatory” response to yesterday’s riots. He also accused the president of “apologizing” for American values. This preceded Obama’s address to the nation this morning.

So now you might ask, what is Romney referring to? That’s an excellent question and one which he doesn’t seem entirely certain of. First he was responding to a statement yesterday by the U.S. embassy in Cairo which condemned a movie that depicts Muhammad in a derogatory way. The statement was issued earlier in the day before the riots. However Romney didn’t back off. At a news conference he again said that it was “disgraceful that the Obama administration’s first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions, but to sympathize with those who waged the attacks.”

At this point, if you were even a semi-decent press secretary, you’d be forcibly removing the candidate from the stage and apologizing for what seems to be an inappropriate response triggered by an underlying brain disorder and that he’ll be seeking treatment immediately, hopefully in time for the first presidential debate.

The Atlantic Wire has listed a number of reactions:

Mitt Romney’s attack on President Obama for the “disgraceful” decision to “sympathize” with the murderers — and his decision to stick with the political attack in a press conference Wednesday — “is likely to be seen as one of the most craven and ill-advised tactical moves in this entire campaign,” Time‘s Mark Halperin says. The “campaign faces a near consensus in Republican foreign policy circles that, whatever the sentiment, Romney faltered badly,” BuzzFeed’s Ben Smith writes.

“I’ve been inundated with emails and calls from elected GOP leaders who think Romney’s response was a mistake. Not today,” MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough tweeted. Peggy Noonan said on Fox, “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors, say in the past few hours, perhaps since last night… Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.” Former George W. Bush pollster Matthew Dowd tweeted, ”Romney react feels a lot like ready, fire, aim.”

At least now we know something about Romney’s foreign policy expertise.

According to a new Wash Post/ABC poll Obama is ahead by six points among registered voters. He’s only ahead one point among likely voters which I can only assume means they’re just as likely not to vote. While veteran pollsters may disagree with this characterization I have heard enough of my friends say they’re “likely” to vote and then they conveniently forget because they have errands to run like picking up containers at The Container Store. Naturally this puts an end to our friendship because I cannot tolerate people subverting our democratic process.

The president holds double-digit leads in areas of particular focus at his party’s convention, including addressing women’s issues (Obama leads Romney by 21 percentage points), advancing the interests of the middle class (15 points), and social issues such as abortion and same-sex marriage (11 points). Obama also has a fresh, albeit slender, lead on dealing with taxes.

Whereas Romney got zero bounce from his convention Obama soared. Hmmmm, I can’t imagine why, let me think for a second, I’m scratching my head with a pensive look, oh wait: BILL CLINTON SAVES THE DEMOCRATS! AGAIN! The closest thing the Republicans have to Bill Clinton is let me think for a second, I’m scratching my head with a pensive look, oh wait: NOBODY.

In case you missed Frank Bruni’s column in the Sunday NYT, the Democratic convention was really about 2016: Like a poltergeist in a pantsuit, Hillary Clinton haunted Charlotte.

At first I laughed at this description. But then I was like, hey! That’s not flattering! He’s calling her a poltergeist! A destructive entity that sucks the life force out of defenseless little girls!

It’s seen almost as a matter of destiny, a piece of unfinished business. The party realized one kind of history with Obama’s election and would love to realize another with Hillary’s. It’s time for a woman. It’s long past time.

Amen, sister. But let’s get serious. What are we going to do about her hair? It’s too long. It looked so fabulous in 2008 and now it looks, well, kind of like mine. Actually I just got a haircut because I thought it would be more age-appropriate but now it looks like the same bob I had in eighth grade. Looks like it’s time to dust off the palmetto jeans.

If you missed Bill Clinton’s speech last night you missed one of the greatest moments in history and you should be ashamed of yourself. I have never—EVER—been so impressed by him and I have spent my life being impressed by him, thinking that in some parallel universe we would be together, hand in hand, ruling the world. But then I’m conflicted because that would mean no Hillary and a world without Hillary is not a world I’d want to live in. Yes, this is how I spend my time.

I was completely mesmerized, hanging on his every word, every charming twinkle in his eye. I turned to my husband and said, you realize I would have to leave you for him, no hard feelings, and he told me I should follow my dreams. And then I was like, I’m just kidding!, and he was all, I’m not! We had a good laugh after that. Clearly he’s taking the joke even further because this morning I found my suitcase at the door.

The best line of the night? When Clinton took on Paul Ryan: “It takes some brass to accuse Obama of robbing Medicare.” Bam! Stay down, Paul, stay down. You don’t want him to break your nose.

I am hardly the only one who thought Bill brought it. Members of the media practically climaxed following his speech even though some said it was a little long. (That’s what she said.)

GOP strategist Alex Castellanos: “Tonight when everybody leaves, lock the door. You don’t have to come back tomorrow. This convention is done. This will be the moment that probably re-elected Barack Obama.”

Brit Hume: “I’ve always said if I were ever in trouble and if I were guilty, especially if I were guilty, I would want Bill Clinton there to defend me. Nobody does it better. He’s the most talented politician I ever covered and the most charming man I’ve ever met. And no one in my view can mount an argument more effectively than he can.”

David Gergen: “If the electorate is still movable, he moved it.”

Former McCain adviser Steve Schmidt/Woody Harrelson: “I wish to God as a Republican we had someone on our side who had the ability to do that. We don’t. It would be great if we did.”

My Auntie Cathy: “He’s even better than Ted Kennedy! And more handsome than Joe Montana!”

If Bill had been this good back in 2008, Hillary would be president and accepting the nomination tonight, not 10,000 miles away in East Timor watching the convention online at the U.S. Embassy.

All is forgiven as long as Obama wins this thing.

I apologize for the delay in posting. I’ve been trying to hitch a ride to Charlotte.

I assume all of you have been tuning into the convention since you don’t really have lives outside of your imagination in which you’re popular and good looking. But in case you haven’t been watching, you should know that Bill Clinton is speaking tonight. This is what I’ve been waiting for. (Hillary’s not at the convention because Obama shipped her off to China so she wouldn’t try to sway any superdelegates.) After all these years I still have a crush on Clinton even though ever since he went on this freak vegan diet he’s looking a little haggard.

Our own Julián Castro gave a stirring keynote last night which was only slightly overshadowed by his little girl who saw herself in the camera and started flipping her hair. It reminded me of my days as a child actor. The most effective speaker of the night though was, not surprisingly, Michelle Obama. No one can talk up a spouse quite like a spouse, assuming they love each other. Never ask a partner who’s stopped loving you to speak glowingly about you. Either way, you should check beforehand.

But really, what is the First Lady besides just another vagina? According to a tweet by conservative blogger Erick Erickson, the “first night of the Vagina Monologues in Charlotte going as expected.” I’ve got to admit, I think that’s pretty funny. Last week I tweeted that the “first night of the Republican Pricks in Tampa going as expected.” Erickson was later forced to apologize for his tweet. Have we really gotten to the point where we have to say we’re sorry for our tweets? They’re tweets, people.

Of course, if Erickson thought last night was the night of vaginas, he’s in for a rude awakening when Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards speaks tonight. I’m guessing she’s much more familiar with vaginas than he is.

This may be the most terrifying PSA, starring Chuck Norris and his wife, that I have ever seen, especially given that Mrs. Norris looks like her soul has been sucked out of her pale lifeless body and replaced with some sort of pod person.

“We know you love your family and your freedom as much as Gena and I do,” Norris says. “And it is because of that we can no longer sit quietly or stand on the sidelines and watch our country go the way of socialism or something much worse.”

Something MUCH WORSE? What’s worse than socialism? A Walker, Texas Ranger marathon on USA?

The big news from last night was Clint Eastwood’s bizarre speech and his interview with an empty chair. Yes, the man behind two of my favorite movies—Unforgiven and Million Dollar Baby—completely lost it in front of a national audience by talking to an imaginary Obama. I mean, seriously. Who talks to an empty chair? When I want to have a conversation with myself I at least keep moving from chair to chair, sometimes putting on glasses to portray one of me.

Of course I still consider this the actor’s biggest mistake.

Following Eastwood’s rambling monologue Romney took the stage to formally accept his party’s nomination while delegates waited to see if he could outshine the empty chair. Needless to say I wasn’t particularly impressed by his attempts to convince us that he’s not actually a test case in cryogenics. Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Did anyone else notice Ann Romney’s expression every time the camera panned over her? She looked like that woman on the Cymbalta commercial who can’t muster up enough energy to take her poor neglected dog on a walk. How could she already be that depressed? Her husband hasn’t even lost yet.

I hope you all have a wonderful 3-day holiday weekend. Or as I like to call it, “weekend.”

You guys are so lucky that I have no social life. I stayed at home again last night to watch the convention, ignoring my pug’s requests to change it to Dog Whisperer while patiently explaining to him that this election is very, very important to the future of this country. Then he returned to scratching himself and cursing me under his breath. Or was that my husband? OMG!

I’m not going to lie. The speeches were pretty painful. Tim Pawlenty looks like he bores even himself. I could’ve sworn he nodded off a few times. Mike Huckabee tried to convince the crowd that he has no problem with Mormons even though they’re not real Christians. But without a doubt my favorite speaker last night was New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez. The Democrat-turned-Republican brought down the house.

At 18, I guarded the parking lot at the Catholic church bingos.
(Laughter)
Now my dad made sure I could take care of myself. I carried a Smith and Wesson 357 magnum.
(Applause)

Ah, yes. Those notorious gang-infested church bingos. Forget the child security guard. All those 85-year-olds should be armed for their own protection. I SAID B-6 HAND OVER THE AROMATHERAPY SPA BASKET AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

Of course the most anticipated speech of the night was Paul Ryan. The greatest thing about it was that it was entirely fabricated yet Ryan didn’t even break a sweat. That is a true talent. Whenever I lie my face uncontrollably twitches and then I break into huge heaving sobs. After composing myself I give my stock answer of, “I apologize if you misinterpreted what I was saying.”

So I watched the VP nominee lying through his teeth with a certain amount of begrudging respect. Today’s Washington Post called Ryan’s speech “misleading,” which is so much nicer than “tragicomic.”

[Ryan] offered a speech that was part introduction of himself and his small-town origins, part testimonial to his running mate and—in largest part—a slashing and, in many elements, misleading indictment of President Obama as both a spent force and a threat to American freedom… To caricature the president’s vision as “a government-planned life, where everything is free but us” insults voters who surely know better. Emblematic of the liberties Mr. Ryan took was his depiction of the hometown auto plant whose shuttering he implicitly blamed on Mr. Obama — even though the plant closed before the president was inaugurated.

Well who doesn’t stretch the truth a little for their own nefarious purposes? It’s kind of endearing, especially when he delivers his attacks with a down-home aw-shucks my-mom’s-my-hero Wisconsin accent. When Ryan mentioned the failings of the bipartisan debt commission, he conveniently left out the fact that he was on that commission, which ultimately voted down its own recommendations after Ryan convinced his fellow House Republicans to do so. Also Ryan slammed the stimulus plan even though he lobbied for those funds for his district. In berating Obama’s cuts to Medicare Ryan failed to mention that his own much-lauded budget contained the exact same cuts. But while Obama’s cuts were applied to the health care law, Ryan’s cuts would be used for tax cuts for the rich.

I will say this about Ryan. His family is cute.

Ann Romney delivered her long-anticipated convention speech last night hoping to “humanize” her husband. It might have even worked, had it not been for his surprise appearance at the end. All of a sudden you remembered she was talking about Cyborg-man. What a letdown, considering that Ann did everything she possibly could to make him seem like someone who wasn’t programmed to kill you.

Let me summarize her remarks for you: She loves her husband, he loves his country, they love their children and grandchildren, and they can totally relate to the average working family because as newlyweds they had to use a fold-down ironing board as a dining room table. Seriously? At least they HAD a dining room. I once rented a studio apartment that barely had enough room for me to army crawl my way over to the hot plate. Did I forget to mention that Ann and Mitt met at a high school dance? Because she didn’t, having mentioned it at least 18 times. I suppose it would seem cute if the thought of Mitt trying to dance didn’t horrify me.

Mrs. Romney spent the better part of her speech addressing Generic Mom.

Tonight, I want to talk to you about love. I want to talk to you about the deep and abiding love I have for a man I met at a dance many years ago. And the profound love I have and I know we share for this country. I want to talk to you about that love so deep, only a mother can fathom it.

She just isolated the Women Without Children voting bloc. Not that the Republican party really wants those contraceptive-hoarding Jezebels. I must say I’ve always loathed statements like that. Does that mean non-moms can’t fathom a love so deep? I have a pug, lady. Back off.

It’s the moms of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together.

I’m sensing a theme here. At least I think I’m sensing something. I could be wrong, seeing that I’m not a mom and am therefore incapable of experiencing any emotion other than jealousy and bitterness.

We’re too smart and know that there are no easy answers, but we’re not dumb enough to accept that there are not better answers.

I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

My favorite part of Ann’s speech was when she talked about how generous her husband is.

This is important. I want you to hear what I am going to say. Mitt does not like to talk about how he has helped others because he sees it as a privilege, not a political talking point. We are no different than the millions of Americans who quietly help their neighbors, their churches and their communities. They don’t do it so that others will think more of them. They do it because there is no greater joy. Give and it shall be given unto you.

In other words: “My husband would hate me for saying this because he’s so modest and likes to keep his tremendous generosity a secret and OOPS I JUST GAVE AWAY HOW GENEROUS HE IS.” Classic move. It’s like when I put a dollar in the tip jar at Starbucks right at the moment that the barista turns away and then I have to take it out and put it back in to make sure they saw me. Sometimes I have to get their attention by loudly crumpling up the dollar bill and clearing my throat. But don’t tell anyone that. I’d be so embarrassed if the world knew how big my heart is, even to the little people.

[Transcript]

Does anyone else get the feeling that Republicans should just stop talking? I realize this would be difficult during the convention and all but given recent comments from party nominees the scheduled speakers would do themselves a favor by standing at the podium and adhering to the teleprompter message of WAVE AND SMILE BUT DON’T OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

Consider PA Republican Senate nominee Tom Smith’s response Monday to Todd Akin’s comments on “legitimate rape.” He condemned them but then couldn’t help himself from comparing rape to out-of-wedlock pregnancy:

I lived something similar to that with my own family. She chose life and I commend her for that. She knew my views but fortunately for me … she chose the way I thought. Now don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t rape.

Apparently Smith’s own daughter had a baby outside of wedlock. How humiliating for the family. I hope she received intense counseling in order to get over the trauma of voluntarily having a child and not being married. When pressed by a reporter if he thought that was a similar situation to rape Smith said, “Well, put yourself in a father’s position. Yes, I mean, it is similar.” Later Smith backtracked but not really.

No, I did not say that. I said I went through a situation (with a daughter). It’s very, very difficult. But do I condone rape? Absolutely not. But do I propose life, yes I do. I’m pro-life, period. A life is a life and it needs protecting. Who’s going to protect it? We have to. I believe life begins at conception. I’m not going to argue about the method of that conception. It’s life. And I’m pro-life. It’s that simple.

Yes, it’s that simple. That’s why he’s explaining it SO WELL.

You can’t blame Smith for trying to one-up pro-life incumbent Democratic Senator Bob Casey—who saved us from Rick Santorum—but as far as I know doesn’t openly equate rape with Murphy Brown.

I recorded the Sunday shows because I had to attend the Austin Chronicle’s Hot Sauce Festival to support my mother-in-law, who entered two salsas into the competition. And by “support,” I mean “loudly complain about being drenched in my own sweat and being forced to drink Bud Light and how much she so owes me for being here.” She didn’t win because clearly the judges held an anti-Salvadoran bias. Next year we’ll disguise her as a white hipster.

When I finally got around to watching Meet the Press I was horrified to see Gov. Jan Brewer sitting next to David Gregory at the convention center in Tampa. That woman is the definition of old crow. I half-expected her to turn into a crow and fly off shrieking ca-caaw-ca-caaw, clutching Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her talons and leaving a stunned Gregory to exclaim I KNEW IT.

But let’s get serious. Look at this headline from The Hill—Republicans hope to win trifecta in 2012—and tell me you didn’t just see horsemen one, two and three of the apocalypse riding toward you.

Republicans arrive in Tampa, Fla., hopeful that their party’s dream of an electoral Triple Crown is within reach: control of the House, the Senate and the presidency. With a victory by Mitt Romney and a gain of the Senate majority, a return to Republican power would represent a remarkable four-year turnaround for a party that was routed in 2006 and 2008.

This simply cannot happen. Let’s assume, as I have been doing in order to keep the last shred of sanity that I have left, that Obama is reelected. If Republicans manage to keep the House (likely) and take the Senate, they will block Obama every step of the way. It looks like Claire McCaskill will keep her seat unless Todd Akin manages to convince voters that rape is completely voluntary. That still leaves eight toss-up races in CT, IN, MA, MI, MT, ND, OH and VA.

Massachusetts Republican Sen. Scott Brown’s a nice enough guy but he must be destroyed. Michigan Democratic Sen. Debbie Stabenow holds a very narrow lead. The Democratic candidate in Connecticut is barely leading his female opponent/wrestling magnate. Indiana is a tie. Montana Democrat Jon Tester is in trouble. In North Dakota the Republican’s ahead. In Ohio Sherrod Brown is leading but not by much. In Virginia Tim Kaine and George Allen are tied. (Seriously, Virginia? George Fucking Allen?)

Republicans only need four seats (three if Romney wins and Ryan can provide a tie-breaking vote). I don’t think they can do it. My prediction is they win three—Indiana, Montana and North Dakota— but Romney loses and Democrats keep the Senate. This prediction is solely based on my gut which is usually wrong but it’s not like that matters since I possess an uncanny ability to rewrite personal history and turn my momentary lapses in judgment into successes.