Here at Wonkette, we never ever forget to be unrelentingly smug and cynical about the U.S. House of Representatives. And really, why the hell not? They’re a veritable parade of horribles. See, for example, everything Ron Paul has ever done. (We are only linking to the most recent awful Ron Paul thing because you do not want this post to be eleventy thousand words long, do you?) See also perennial anger-weeping oompa-loompa John Boehner. (Again, only one link people. Do you want to find all the horrible things we have written about Ron Paul and John Boehner? Use the search box at the top like anyone else.) See also, too, the fact that they stone cold hate disabled people. (GodDAMN you U.S. House of Representatives for making us feel sorry for Bob Dole, which we thought was unpossible.) Sometimes, though, the House does something minorly not-horrible:
Can You Guess Which Congresscritter Cast Lone ‘No’ Vote On Actually Sane Bill About ‘Lunatics’?
Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!
Oh goody, Citibank laid off almost 5% of their workforce RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, and this of course invites serious analysis about a variety of important topics. Like: what will these people and their families do vis a vis jobs? What about the fact that taxpayers bailed out Citi to the tune of $45 billion — does this create a sort of a social contract between Citi and the taxpayers and did Citi break it by laying these people off right before the holidays? What about the fact that recently-departed CEO Vikram Pandit took home over $200 million over the course of his five years at this company — was that appropriate in retrospect, considering that Citi is now engaging in massive layoffs, and if it’s not, what steps should Citi take to ensure that executive pay packages are reasonable?
Except NONE of these topics were explored on CNBC, who devoted their Citi segment to discussing What This Means for the shareholders and for the market, which appeared to be pleased by Citi’s human sacrifice.
Live, Work And Play In New Development For You And All Your Idaho Militia Friends!
Any second now there will be zombies and tidal waves and brown people climbing up on your roof and eating your virgin daughter’s brains. What should you do? Where should you go? Why not live out these trying times in a castle in Idaho, surrounded by a loving community of like-minded Patriots? The only rules are that you must prove that you can shoot a gun once a year every year after you turn 13. Oh, and you can’t be “a Liberal.” That’s about it — there’s a preamble about respecting other people, and a mention about submitting to arbitration panels, and roughly 10 rules that have to do with when and under what circumstances you must fire a gun. These rules are written in the Patriot Agreement, which is CLEARLY a supplement to, not a substitute for, the Constitution they love so very very much. It is basically the greatest HOA ever! READ MORE »
North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy
So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in North Carolina, where everything is usually so peaceful and just. A prison warden has been suspended while the state investigates accusations that guards forced inmates to, among other things, rub hot sauce on their private parts, just for giggles. Because hey, What good is being entrusted with the livelihoods of a few hundred caged convicts if you aren’t allowed to season their bumholes with burny liquids? READ MORE »
Dennis Prager Channels Elephant Man, Is Shamed By Body, Not An Animal
Sometimes there are slow news days here at yr Wonkette. People are dumb enough, but not funny, or funny enough, but fail to be dumb. Dennis Prager, however, always always comes correct. Whether it is his awesomely casual racism where he explains how black and brown peoples will not read the New York Times, his appeal to young people where he tells young people they are stupid, his thoughtful theorem that the poor are poor because they’re lazy, or his amazing online university where classes are only five minutes long, Dennis Prager is an endless font of dumb. Today he is mad SO MAD about nekkid people. READ MORE »
What Horrible Thing Did This Muslim Couple Do To Get Kicked Out Of Innocent Congressman’s Subway Franchise?
What has Louisiana Congressman John Fleming been up to since that time he got all freaked out over The Onion’s Abortionplex, and that other time he explained he would have to fire errbody in the world because you did not expect him to be able to feed his family on $400,000 a year, did you? Oh, not much. And he still isn’t up to much. It is not like he personally is staffing the cash register at his Shreveport, Louisiana, Subway sandwich franchise, refusing to serve people in Musliny-wear. He’s a congressman, duh. He has people for that! And obviously, the Muslim couple who were refused service in his franchise weren’t refused service for being Muslim. That would be illegal. They must have done something … inappropriate. Dude, they were being totes inappropriate, said the franchise manager, waving an audio tape of the conversation, lasso-style, around his head, before declining to let anyone actually listen to the tape. Seems legit! After all, green is green. Why would anyone refuse service to someone just for being different, when there is cold hard muneez to be made?
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Wingnuts Hold Anti-Gay Jeebus Conference In Magical Eastern Mexican Land of ‘Spain’
Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country? Haha, oh my heck, no, of course not! All Godjesus-worshipping Americans know that all other countries are full of squalor and general brown-ness and should only be visited for the purposes of converting their heathen denizens to the one true religion of American Christianity, which involves going to the local Chick-Fil-A and stuffing as many chicken nuggets in your gaping maw hole as you can and then diving face first into a tub of soft serve frozen yogurt because God Hates Homos, or something like that, don’t know, haven’t been paying attention in church. It’s the weirdest Eucharist ever. READ MORE »
Daily Caller: Obama Might Appoint Some Jerk Lady As Ambassador Because He Loves Money
Yr. Wonkette was anxious – like, forgot the Zoloft at home before a family reunion anxious – over the prospect of a neutered Daily Caller without the hateful sage musings of wunderkind reporter Matthew Boyle. Would anyone bother reading the Daily Caller anymore, without tiny bio pics of an extremely seductive adult baby to the left of some of the articles? Without Boyle’s insight, could Tucker Carlson’s venerable media empire lose the edge in exposing Barack Obama’s blackness, and the fact that some other people are black too? Would The Daily Caller continue cutting deep to the secretive, putrid heart of the current White House? READ MORE »
Sad Slob Mitt Romney Just Deliberately Messing With Our Heads Now
Hey, remember that Mitt Romney guy? Yeah, us neither, really, but apparently he was expecting to be president, since it was his birthright or something? And now, he’s just wandering around in a sad daze, with only his hundreds of millions of dollars for company. Poor dude. So like any US American who’s feeling a little down, he went shopping. And, apparently because he is something of a masochist, he went to CostCo, inviting mocking comparisons to Old Handsome Joe Biden, who recently pushed a cart around at the very same discount warehouse chain for the good of the economy. READ MORE »
Daily Caller Complains White House Twitter Feed Keeps Reminding Them Who Is In The White House
Lest anyone get the idea that the Daily Caller is just a teensy bit racist, they would like you to know that they actually care more about Factual History than certain Presidents of the United States do. For instance, did you know that the Daily Caller’s Neil Munro is very protective of the legacy and reputation of Rosa Parks? It’s true! Saturday was the 57th anniversary of Parks’ refusal to give up her seat to a white bus passenger, and the Daily Caller’s Neil Munro is quite indignant that the White House marked the anniversary by tweeting a photo of Barack Obama sitting in that very bus (from a visit to the Henry Ford Museum back in April).
Well, The Daily Caller’s Neil Munro was not going to stand for such an insult to the memory of a revered Civil Rights leader (who is also conveniently dead now), although they also couldn’t be bothered to actually subtract “1955″ from “2012,” either:
The White House used a tweeted picture of President Barack Obama to mark the 55th anniversary of Rosa Parks’ bus protest in Montgomery, Ala, on Saturday…
The White House did not send out a picture of Rosa Parks…
John Boehner Outraged That Obama Is Acting Like He Won An Election
Look at President Obama, prancing around, putting forth “unserious” proposals to keep us from falling off the so-called “fiscal cliff.” What—did he win an election or something? Because that’s what he’s acting like, and John Boehner wants him to TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH MR PRESIDENT SIR, and propose something that’s more like what the GOP would propose if they were going to bother to propose something, which they haven’t. John Boehner so SO MAD he cried and reminisced about when he used to get to hang out at children’s gyms he wrote a letter about it patiently explaining to the president why he is wrong.
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Rick Santorum Will Fit In Fine At WND: Barack Obama Is Trying To Murder My Baby
Hello, neighbor, have you heard the Good News? Smegma-spittled Rick Santorum has taken an exclusive writing gig with WND, the estimable journal of conservative thought that advocates executing journalists to protect the First Amendment. And in his very first column, Herr Doktor Santorum shows us the exact line one must travel to get from “crazy bitch” to “WND.” READ MORE »
Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips
Lady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up.
Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location.
Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business.
“That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added.
Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was ”hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her. Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before?
Daily Caller: Why Does Old Handsome Joe Biden Love Child Rapists?
Well well well! It looks like Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller will be okay even in the face of star cub reporter Matthew Boyle leaving the DC’s black-thug beat for Breitbart! In fact, they are so okay that this will probably be All Daily Caller Day, because fuck if they aren’t a pile of good time crazy! Where shall we begin? How about with “Joe Biden Loves Child Rapists,” since we already went and wrote the headline? READ MORE »
Ailes: Respected Non-Partisan News Organization ‘Fox’ Did Not Make Hot Monkey Sex On David Petraeus
Sometimes, we like to lie around and wonder stuff. Like, “What is it like being human pile of mildewed old sandwiches Roger Ailes?” Is it fun? We bet it is fun. You can send people to the dungeon; you can order the cutting off of miscreants’ hands. You get to hang out with Shep! It is probably all good. But what happens if someone betrays you by leaking a tape of some peon (she’s not an employee; they pay her less than $75 large, as if anyone could even survive on such “money”!) being a go-between for you and Greatest American Hero Gen. David Petraeus, telling him to run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.” Why, that almost sounds like Fox News would take a side in a political campaign. That can’t be right. READ MORE »
