Toby's Twisted Topiary

[tjn]

Thanks for all your help!

Week 5) Diplomacy

Week 4) General forum -- In Which a Rebellion is Unwittingly Fomented by an Outrageous Ovum
Crit 1 Lily, by Poetica
Crit 2 Sylvie, by Pazoz
Crit 3 the binary, by Mistymind

Week 3) Butchered
Crit-lite 1 Contravistas, by Sorry
Crit-lite 2 Lives Unlived, by Hydro
Crit-lite 3 To the Mother of My Ten Children, by Robyn

Week 2) In Which a Rebellion is Unwittingly Fomented by an Outrageous Ovum
Crit-lite 1 Ironing, by new leaf
Crit-lite 2 I Know You Now by will eastland
Crit-lite 3 Warp and Weft by Seremba

Week 1) I Tinkle On You, Little Star
Crit-lite 1 Snowboy, by Hydro
Crit-lite 2 Two Does, by Alexandrite
Crit-lite 3 Stillbirth, by Garsy

[tjn]

I Tinkle on You, Little Star

I often wonder what you are,
you pompous, airhead, little star.
There is no doubt that you are high
above we lesser gems, who die

unseen, uncared for and alone;
we have no fans to call our own.
We gaze at your hypnotic light
and cannot look away in spite

of all your self-inflicted pain
we only fixate on your gain.
We spew disdain at your faux pas
but wish that we were you because

you get the money, have the fame
and let your flunkies take the blame.
You sleep with goddesses and run
unsweating in the blazing sun

away from jealous husbands who
can’t give their wives the likes of you.
So take this letter from a fan
you pompous, airhead, little man.

Before I close, I must digress,
to say, Sincerely Yours. P.S.
I'm not quite sure what caused this list
Perhaps that 12-pack made me pissed

[Sorry]

Hi tjn,
Thank you for submitting your work to the Greenhouse. I appreciate the opportunity to offer my opinion and thoughts. I'll have to ask you to forgive me in advance; this critique is not a positive one, and may seem unreasonably harsh, but this just isn’t working for me on a variety of levels. I hope this may still be helpful to you in some small way.

I'd like to start by summarizing my interpretation of what the poem is about. I read this as a straight-forward rant to a celebrity from a member of the non- celebrated, a bitterly jealous "fan". The celebrity is not identified outside of the title’s introduction: “Mr. Actor”, and a string of accusatory opinions: “pompous, airhead, little star.” I've assumed the poem is intended to be a spin-off of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Okay. Firstly: N is a jealous fan that often wonders what [Mr. Actor] is.
Huh? The opening line has me already scratching my head. I don’t get what N is asking- I know it fits with the twinkle twinkle thing, but what the heck does it mean, “I often wonder what you are”? The question What are you? is pointless here- the only answers I can fathom to such a question are along these lines: …a human being, an actor, a parent, etc.…and that is answered in the title, Mr. Actor. N doesn’t seem to be wondering about character traits ( as in, could be asking about characteristics I wonder if you are kind, rich, an alien from another planet…), but doesn't seem to be doing that here because he’s given a list of his opinions in that regard- ( Mr. Actor is pompous, an airhead, a "little" star…) He doesn’t appear to be wondering- he seems to have very strong notions about “what” Mr. Actor is.
In L3, N identifies for whom he is speaking- “we lesser gems, who die…” We?” So N speaks for more than just himself, and I wonder who . “We” are identified as “lesser gems, who die unseen, uncared for and alone; we have no fans to call our own...” an apparent group of people who “…gaze at your hypnotic light and cannot look away in spite…” and “we only fixate on your gain. We spew disdain at your faux pas but wish that we were you…” N seems to be implying that We refers to some group within the viewing public, but who: Lesser gems...unseen, uncared for, alone...Certainly not all viewers fit this pattern- if all viewers were looking at Mr. Actor through eyes as disapproving as Ns, the movie industry would collapse! So who are these people? Your use of We is a generalization and far too speculative to satisfy my sensibilities.
So where’s the beef? What exactly is Ns problem with the generic Mr. Actor? Here is the explanation the poem offers:

...you get the money, have the fame
and let your flunkies take the blame.
You sleep with goddesses and run
unsweating in the blazing sun

away from jealous husbands who
can’t give their wives the likes of you....
Hmmmmm. Sooooo. N’s apparently mad because:
-Mr. Actor has money
-Mr. Actor has fame
-Mr.A. lets his “flunkies take the blame” (For WHAT? Having money? Having fame?)
-Mr. Actor sleeps with goddesses
-Mr. Actor doesn’t sweat when running in sun (WT...???)
-Runs away (sans sweat) from jealous husbands who can’t give their wives the likes of [Mr. Actor]…..
ummmm…Huh? Sorry. This just makes no sense to me: Why would an actor run away from a husband who can’t give a wife [the likes of] Mr. Actor, sweat or no sweat?
The last six lines only make things worse, I’m afraid…
So take this letter from a fan (Where would N like Mr. Actor to take this letter?)

you pompous, airhead, little man. (Sorry, but the repeated accusatory labels add nothing good to this, either.

Before I close, I must digress,
to say, Sincerely Yours. P.S.
You make me smile and really laugh
Can I please have your autograph?
…so in closing N says “ I’m sincere, I really mean what I said here…” and then completely contradicts that by saying Mr. A makes him smile, laugh…and that he wants an autograph!!!!????!!!!!
O-KAY, then…maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't "get" it.
Far too much of this poem has absolutely no substance. There is nothing unique, clever, or even relatable…it seems to me to be merely a jealous man taking shots at another man simply because he has something that N does not. Nothing you have offered gives me any inclination to form sympathy or a connection with N whatsoever. N comes across as the one who is pompous and airheaded.
Poorly used punctuation and blatantly atrociously forced end rhyme don’t help this either, I’m afraid, but The Blurbs of Wisdom is a great place to hang out if you are interested in learning more and finding out why these factors are detrimental in poetry. I am sorry that my response to this writing is so negative, tjn, but in my opinion, this one is a long way from being poetry. The good news is that you have come to a great place if you wish to improve your writing- PFFA has a wealth of resources for those wishing to improve their understanding of what is and isn’t poetry. Check out the Blurbs. You’ll be glad you did!
Sincerely,
Sorry

[Seremba]

In the spirit of the Greenhouse, I am so glad you are posting here - to my mind this is the place to put those poems you aren't quite sure of up for scrutiny before embarking on the critical threads - and to get a different perspective on whether things are working out - to Dear Mr Actor; this could be construed as a bit of fun, a play on the nursery rhyme but there are slightly disturbing undertones - and I liked this in sevens - looking at it more closely there are few parts where the dedicated meter doesn't work out - some extra words clunking for me - That aside these parts can be easily fixed, the title of 'Dear Mr Actor' is straight forward - but if you are going the whole hog I would consider doing a play on the original title - Twinkle, Twinkle Mr Star - or something of that nature -

I like the sarcasm and awkward truth of the ending - but if you could lose 'please' is might read better for rhyme -

Thanks
S.

[tjn]

Thanks for the critique, Sorry. Originally I had the title of the piece as "I Tinkle on You, Little Star" and the ending two lines were

I’m not sure why I wrote this list,
Perhaps that twelve-pack made me pissed.

This in no way deals with all of the other problems, but perhaps makes it more in keeping with the rest of the tone of the poem and would make the rant more plausible? I could also change the "we" to I, which again I think would help make this just one disturbed, drunk guy expressing an unreasonable jealousy to a star.

I have been reading the blurbs, but apparently that isn't coming through too well. I'll focus more on the areas you mentioned, and hopefully be able to apply some of it better. All of your thoughts here are valuable to me, and thanks again for taking the time to do such a thorough dissection of the "poem."

Thanks, Seremba for your thoughts. I think I've got to re-think my approach to this one. Appreciate you taking the time to look at it and offer advice.

tjn

[Hydro]

Hi tjn.

I agree with much of what has been said already. Sorry's issues with the poem are important ones. I've done it before: man, wouldn't it be cool/ funny/ clever to do a play on an old nursery rhyme/song. I did one at Christmas on a whim, a play on 'Oh, Christmas Tree'. As I was writing I thought it was quite clever satire, actually. The next morning, I binned it and concluded it must have been a result (or consequence) of too much Baileys. And I just tried one in Sevens. It didn't really work.

What I mean is, the idea of lampooning an old rhyme is a fine one. I wouldn't encourage anyone away from it, because sometimes it works. But there are experts doing it... and it's working to the point that like much 'comedy', it's not worth most of us trying. But we still want try, right?

Well, me too. So, what I'd suggest is reading poems and poets who've done this sort of lampooning old songs and rhymes before. You could start, if you want, by reading Carol Anne Duffy's '12 Days of Christmas.' It's not perfect. But it is very good, and shows what an expert is capable of... It's especially remarkable for being a 'poem on demand'.

[tjn]

Thanks for some more insight into why this one doesn't work too well. Your critique gives me a lot more to think about -- unfortunately (probably to my chagrin) I'm currently doing it again with another nursery rhyme for this weeks' poem here!

Even though I realize I'm far from being proficient enough to make a poem like this work well, do you think (this being the Greenhouse and all) that I should post it anyway and see if I've learned anything from my mistakes, or just scrap it and post something else, say from sevens?

I certainly appreciate your advice, but since I've committed to posting once a week, I wonder if there would be some benefit to posting it as a matter of taking some more baby steps (or crawling motions) necessary to walk/run/jump with a poem.

As an aside, I am currently working through Rachel Lindley's focus and filters post per a mods suggestion and am attempting to implement her suggestions one phase at a time into my critiques and own writing. Great stuff here.

Well, thanks again, everyone, for your patience and honesty in helping me out here.

Gratefully,

Toby

[Hydro]

Sure -- post the poem if you like.

The great thing about The Greenhouse is that it's a place to make mistakes and learn from them. If you've got the balls to make any mistake, and hear what anyone has to say about it (that's the important bit, and I've had my hickups here), post here whatever you think is condusive to your learning.

[tjn]

In Which a Rebellion is Unwittingly Fomented by an Outrageous Ovum
(or, Humpty Dumpty’s Last Hurrah)

He knew it would take muchos huevos to play,
but his game plan was good, and he’d be okay.
Cause his were as big as the black or the bay

patrolling with tabletop backs that were stacked
with corrupt, hairy pigs who loved to talk smack,
and who bristled with weapons to fend off attack.

And, though the opiners would say it was rash,
he never could stand it to sit on his ass.
So, he hurled his armored gelatinous mass

with a splurge of insouciance at all those legs.
The guards slung pejoratives – bent to fillet
his ovoid trajectory into a splay

of malfeasance – but their slashes only caught air
as he flew like a mortar past their stony glare
and that bold lettered sign he had read as a dare:

“Tis Forbidden To Sit On the Wall” -- the King


tjn

[Seremba]

Hi tjn

This is too flyby to be even considered crit lite as it is just a first read - this is a much more classier turn on the nursery rhyme than the previous one - and there is a lot of sarcasm and wit - my initial thoughts is that I like the 'ay' and 'ack' of S1and S2 sonically it really works for me - later on some of the words have lost track for me 'insouciance', 'malfeasance' whilst perfectly accurate seem overblown - but yes it certainly explains why he fell off the wall - and I will come back to this - And what also threw me initially was using the word 'ovum' for egg -and I think it is because it's female - and now I have just come to the realisation that Humpty Dumpty was female, or at least neither he or she yet! And without the possibility of becoming either after he fell off the wall!! You are making me see childhood nursery rhymes in a whole different light, I like that!

S.

[tjn]

Glad you found something to enjoy here, Seremba. I hadn't thought of the gender question a whole lot, but that is definitely something to think about -- Humpty as a hermaphrodite? Thanks for your thoughts!

Toby

[Hydro]

Hi Toby,

Let me say, this is a much improved attempt at the parody of the nursery rhyme. I really enjoyed it. Your language is on the whole quite inventive, the rhythms interesting (even when the meter isn't perfect), and it is funny... that last line is a corker.

I haven't got mudh time for this crit, so I thought the most helpful thing I could do would be to show you how this scanned, since I gather you're going, generally, for an anapaestic tetrameter. This is worth really tightening up (it's best, imo, to perfect your meter, even if it seems clinical, before trying to loosen it up when you're more experienced).

He knew it would take muchos huevos to play,

I almost want to emphasis 'much..', but I don't, in context. So this is an anapaestic tetrameter line, even if one without an unstressed syllable at the beginning. This is the rhythm you're aiming for (I'd suggest) throughout.

but his game plan was good, and he’d be okay.

The only hiccup here is the Iamb (and he'd), which is allowed, but only if we know (or can feel) it's entirely deliberate.

Cause his were as big as the black or the bay

Again, an anapaestic tetrameter line, lacking an unstressed syllable at the beginning. Fine, but as above... only if deliberate, and it shouldn't be done too much as there is a danger it will make the reading choppy. Perfect meter can, on the other side of the coin, make a reading too regular, but don't worry about that yet.

patrolling with tabletop backs that were stacked

Bravo!

with corrupt, hairy pigs who loved to talk smack,

There's an iamb there ('who loved'). You get the idea. So now I'll just scan...

and who bristled with weapons to fend off attack.

And, though the opiners would say it was rash,
he never could stand it to sit on his ass.
So, he hurled his armored gelatinous mass

(Stress created because of the comma)

with a splurge of insouciance at all those legs.
The guards slung pejoratives – bent to fillet
his ovoid trajectory into a splay

of malfeasance – but their slashes only caught air

(This is the most irregular line meter-wise, if I was to be strict).

as he flew like a mortar past their stony glare
and that bold lettered sign he had read as a dare:

(Second line here is perfect anapaestic tet).

“Tis Forbidden To Sit On the Wall” -- the King

So yes, the meter is a little irregular, and it becomes even more irregular as it nears the end. This made me wonder how conscious you are of it. However, if you're more more experienced in meter than I realise, and your intention is to be loose (which, knowing my luck...) then I apologise. Just thought I'd leave you my observations.

It's a major step up from your first go at this type of poem, and for that I applaud you. Others have given you good advice on language points, and I'm sure they'll carry on.

Cheers!

[tjn]

Your critique was extremely helpful, Hydro, especially the scanning and metrical advice. I have long been a fan of metrical poetry, but am just beginning to learn from pffaers and suggested links the technicalities of scansion.

I guess the appearance of experience proves that even a blind hog finds an acorn every once and a while. That being the case I will strive to tighten it up until I know better the when and the why for substitutions. Thanks so much for all your help, it really means a lot!

Toby

[new leaf]

Toby, this is very funny. It won't take much to polish it up.

I see in it certain allusions that were perhaps not intentional, but which resonate for me: the tabletop backs that were stacked sound like pancakes to me, and I'm surprised each time that the word is not in there. The pigs and rash(ers?) remind me of bacon. Then off in another direction, I love it that your pigs . . . bristled with weapons.

with a splurge of insouciance at all those legs.
The guards slung pejoratives – bent to fillet
his ovoid trajectory into a splay

of malfeasance – but their slashes only caught air
These hifalutin' words are less resonant and far less fun and nursery rhyme-mocking than the preceding strophes. (And yet I love armored gelatinous mass! Go figure.) I know you can inject more life into this.

as he flew like a mortar past their stony glare
Is there another adjective you could use here? Stony usually connotes immobility, and we know they are slashing angrily at him.

and that bold lettered sign he had read as a dare:

"Tis Forbidden To Sit On the Wall" -- the King

Can't wait to see the finished product!

[tjn]

Thanks for the great pointers, new leaf. I'll definitely put them to good use in the rewrite. I think I'll post this one for my General poem, and think all the great suggestions I've gotten here will help ease the pain .

In regards to stony, I was attempting to refer to the construction of the wall, but can see how it would work better to come up with a different word, since I'm talking about the guards, not the wall.

Thanks again -- been fun seeing your green thumb at work here!

Toby