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Thread: Jee Leong's Thread

  1. #1
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    Jee Leong's Thread

    Poets who cope with everyday vicissitudes by saying them do not tend to produce fully formed, self-standing "poems." We have neither the luxury to be detached craftsmen nor the divine grace to lose ourselves completely in great imitations. Rather, it is each one's persistent attitude that is his poem; the whole book is a more objective poem than any of the poems.

    - Paul Goodman, "Wordsworth's Poems"
    Last edited by Jee Leong; 04-29-2005 at 09:25 PM.

  2. #2
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    April 1, 2005 - 'State Bird'

    State Bird
    ‘Any more flights to Florida and we’d be the state bird.’ jetBlue adverstisement

    To which united state can I apply
    for the position of official bird,
    or unofficial, when what seems preferred
    are native songsters states themselves supply?
    And rightly so, Heart twitters in reply,
    for countries to prefer what nests have spurred
    into song, passing on the local word,
    or what adopted, like the cuckoo. I,
    alas, am not a cuckoo-clock or bald-
    headed eagle and it is too late
    to try to be either but I have hauled
    my famine long-distance, and now wait,
    circling in mid-air, for my name to be called
    so I can sprawl before the correct gate.

  3. #3
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    Kudos for attempting rhyme and meter in an exercise like this!

    Some good lines here.

    I'd watch the over-enthusiastic alliteration in L4, and I'm not convinced that "what adopted" really makes grammatical sense in L8 (although I understand what you mean).

    "it is too late to try to be either" raised a smile, but the formulation is off-rhythm and prosy-sounding somehow.

    Hope this helps if you choose to work more on this,

    Rob

  4. #4
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    Jee,

    I enjoyed this and it is impressive you put it together in such a short time. The rhymes seemed pretty natural and I liked the phrase hauled / my famine long-distance. My tongue became a little twisted on L4 as well.

    A fun read, thanks for posting it.

    Alasdair

  5. #5
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    Well done Jee. I wonder if sprawl in the last line could become perch to keep the bird theme going?

    Great start. This is going to be quite a month.

    Cheers - Roge.

  6. #6
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    Hi Rob, Alasdair and Roge,
    thanks, you all, for looking in. I'll keep your comments in mind when I revise. Isn't this fun? Doesn't it take away your attention from other important matters?

    Jee Leong

  7. #7
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    April 2, 2005 - 'The City Has A Shortage of Lifeguards'

    The City Has A Shortage of Lifeguards

    Lifeguard, what are you doing in this train
    Awashed with bottles, wrappers along the aisle
    Your shoulder searches with so bright a smile
    That it goes down, through, like a good champagne?
    These past months, year, treacherous tides, in vain
    I have been waving for a versatile
    Savior to hold me up in denial
    Of waters dragging me down, down, in chains.
    Save me (your sweatshirt states your vocation)
    From love’s inexorable throat, a coward
    As I’m who hopes by this invocation
    To float and flout the flux. Loose-limbed lifeguard,
    What do you have to say? You’re on vacation
    And this your stop? But there’s a handsome reward!

  8. #8
    gwen is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Jee,

    I enjoyed this. There were a few moments where I thought the phrasing was awkward ("awashed with" instead of "awash in", and I got very tangled up in L3-4 trying to imagine a smiling shoulder going down like good champagne), but I really liked the idea and the way you play with the sea/drowning imagery. Hope you revise this.

    gwen

  9. #9
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    Hi Jee:

    I too,enjoyed this. It is one I know you can work into a winner. One as to admire lines like " To float and flout the flux". I'd lose "But there is a handsome reward."the rhyme is not worth saddling an otherwise inteligently glibe poem which such prosiacally shallow ending.

    Gene

  10. #10
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    #1.

    The internal rhyme of sprawled isn't good enough reason not to picky a birdier word. I enjoyed this sonnet, even with its rough edges.

    #2 didn't do nearly as much for me, but I enjoyed reading both.

    Julie

  11. #11
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    Man, it occurs to me that you participating in this challenge (both as poet and critic), working on the poems for your ("The Apprentice") chapbook, doing an MFA,
    plus all the 'workaday' posting and critting you do on the forums. You sure do have talent and stamina.

    As for the poems you have posted. They are of course,due to the restriction under which they were composed,not perfect-but they are still enjoyable. I have no further crits beyond those already mentioned by the other critters.

  12. #12
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    Hi gwen,
    you're completely right about 'awashed in' and the tangled metaphor. Thanks for picking those up. Good to hear you enjoy the read.

    Hi Gene,
    intelligently glib, eh? Ouch, that hurts my heart and soul. The ending is glib and I will look for something else. I'd like to keep the rhyme if possible though. Thanks for dropping by. Always good to hear from you.

    Hi Julie,
    good to hear your response to the poems. I'll rethink 'sprawl'. Thanks.

    Hi David,
    I am quite ill-disciplined, actually, which is why I decided to take up this challenge so that I will continue writing even though I have almost finished my MFA thesis and feel like taking a breather. Practical concerns are already crowding in and if I do not establish a writing routine, all may be lost. How to balance life and writing? That question has become more acute for me these past weeks. I'm glad you enjoyed the poems. Thanks for dropping by.

  13. #13
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    April 3, 2005 - 'Workout'

    Workout

    My love is curling dumb-bells to his chest
    Because he thinks I don’t love him enough
    And since he thinks I don’t love him enough,
    My love is curling dumb-bells to his chest.
    I turn the page of a flesh mag, obsessed
    with touching bodies beautiful and buff.
    Ah! Touching bodies beautiful and buff,
    I turn the page of the flesh mag, obsessed.
    My love is curling dumb-bells to his chest
    to turn his body beautiful and buff
    because he thinks I don’t love him enough
    when I’m touching the flesh mag, obsessed.
    My love is curling as I turn the page
    because he thinks and thinks, because I rage.

  14. #14
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    This is like a prayer, a rosary maybe. The metre is excellent, the rhythm captures, the repetition of lines a poetical workout. I keep going back and rereading this, like the narrator who rages, obsesses and repeats. Some poems are hard to let go of, and this one is one of those.

  15. #15
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    This one I think I'm gonna like when it's done. I might even try a variant, "my love is thigh-mastering her thighs..." nope, doesn't quite have the same catch.


    Three down, 27 to go!

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