Jee Leong's Thread

[Gabe1]

Despite my lack of comments, I've been following this closely. Which, by the way, makes me want to kick you in the teeth for making this look easy. But, you know, in a nice way.

-Gabriel

[Andrea345]

hmmm... not sure this one quite makes sense to me, Jee. "You see more than I do." is one of the first ones which jumps out at me b/c, I think, of the background in critique. I can see a person liking someone's piffle, but that detracts from & doesn't support "You see more than I do."

Then there's that long-assed sentence of "Last night". I got lost somewhere around the train window & how pride & "asking" came into it. I like the idea of the end, but I feel the missing "to" in front of "crack."

I like the germ of the idea, of Proust's prude & how the blurring window can be used. But that give over to "You see more than I do" is too much of a contradiction. There's an almost "bite" towards the "loved one", but it's still too fuzzy for me right now.

Take care,
-a

[Autumn]

Hi Jee Leong,

I just finished reading your thread. Great poems from you as usual. I drowned in the sonics. Of course, I won't even attempt to give any criticisms because I can't, knowing my own poetic skills. Thanks for all the reads, I learnt much from them.

Autumn

[Robtm]

Jee

You are a horribly clever man. Loved the lb on “screwed” and all the nice hard “d’s”. And the closure. And the deceptive
simplicity.

Cheers.

Rob

[Jee Leong]

Hi Gabriel, I checked my mouth. Consider me kicked. Nice to know you have been reading. Thanks.

Hi Andrea, I was worried about the missing context. I'll have to see how the interrelationships can be made clearer without busting the form. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

Hi Autumn, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoy reading the poems.

Hi Rob, glad to hear you like the tricks. I thought the poem might be trying too hard but it was fun writing it.

Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to comment. Again, much appreciated.

[Jee Leong]

Hippocratic Oath
“Not to censor is an act of moral will, a commitment.” Paul Goodman An Apology for Literature

For years I had been running a low fever,
Hot coals heaped by the saints onto my head,
Traction from the rutting wheels of an achiever
Who minded what in Singapore could be said.
Now I’m free from church and state, a new believer
In the pursuit of happiness instead,
Writing is my chosen work, the lever
For straightening dislocations in our bed.
You read my work for indiscretions, claim
Them yours for which I must ask for permission.
Love, are you Priest or Law, another name
For Censor? Or is my love in remission?
I will still write like a free man on a lame
Excuse: accept me, Love, with this condition.

[Robtm]

Jee

Some nice bits in this: “the lever/For straightening dislocations in our bed” - excellent.

One horrid clumsy line: “Them yours for which I must ask for permission”, for which there is doubtless an explanation.

Otherwise I continue through gritted teeth to admire your ability to churn these out!

Rob

[BrianIsSmilingAtYou]

For years I had been running a low fever,
Hot coals heaped by the saints onto my head,
Traction / from the / rutting wheels/ of an / achiev/er
Who mind/ed what / in Sing/apore could be said.

I trip on L3 and L4. I tried my best to approximate where I see the stresses.

Now I’m free from church and state, a new believer

Why "Now" at the beginning of this line? Without it, you would have a nice IP plus hypermetrical like L1.

In the pursuit of happiness instead,

The trochee in the first foot would be an acceptable substitution if the rest were more metrical. But the prior three lines have all stumbled. Is there some underlying scheme that I am missing? For example, I wrote a syllablic sonnet, and recently another with varying IT and IP according to a scheme in tandem with the rhyme. Is there something like that going on here that I am missing?

Writing is my chosen work, the lever

This is trochaic through and through. If the rest were more consistent IP plus hypermetrical that the piece started with, I could read it as IP plus hypermetrical with a headless foot in the first position. The inconsistency of the meter makes this a stretch.

For straightening dislocations in our bed.

The meter continues to stumble.

You read my work for indiscretions, claim

Back to IP.

Them yours for which I must ask for permission.

I lost it after "which". If I concentrate, I can read it as IP plus hypermetrical. Concentrating hurts.

Love, are you Priest or Law, another name

Prety much back on track.

For Censor? Or is my love in remission?

Eh.

I will still write like a free man on a lame

Still eh.

Excuse: accept me, Love, with this condition.

OK

Nice theme. Imperfect execution. This felt rushed.

Good luck with the revision.

BrianIsAtYou

[larryrap]

Hi Jee,

Don't you get bored with compliments? It's your fault for constantly bringing in such high grades.

I'll nit your latest:

Meter, from the POV of how I can manage to maintain IP in my mind while reading, rather than the formal rules of substitution:

Traction from the rutting wheels of an achiever
works only by supressing TRAC and stressing FROM which is a stretch I can't follow.
"TRACtion from the RUTTing WHEELS of" already establishes a competing meter.

I will still write like a free man on a lame
It will be kinder of you to use "I'll" or I" instead of "I will" so the reader won't have to flounder about for 7 words to discover where the stress should lie.

For Censor? Or is my love in remission?
The substitution comes at a big price, the stress falling naturally on "MY".
Maybe: "For censor? Will you drag me to remission?" That would also clear up the fever theme as I'll explain next.

Theme/phrasing:

The fever is used, as I understand it, first to deploy guilt and later to signify the act of free writing--the opposite.

For straightening dislocations in our bed
It's a nicely-concieved line but you might consider inserting the fever here too, I think it will help you manage that theme and maintain an ambiguity you may need to establish about guilt/freedom from guilt.
"[D]islocations" and "indescretions" don't follow each other very well, either.

Them yours for which I must ask for permission
Try "Them yours. You'd have me ask you for permission.

The title doesn't seem to be right except in a vague way.

Otherwise, solid high level work.

Thanks,
Larry

[Jee Leong]

Hi Rob, thanks very much for coming back to this again. The line is clunky, and I'll have to see what can be done about it.

Hi Briansmiling, thanks very much for your time in scanning the lines. Always good to know how another person hears the lines. I am going for a looser iambic line and so some of the irregularities you noticed are intentional. Having said that, L10 certainly crashes and burns, beyond what first aid can do. Thanks for all the other comments too.

Hi larryrap, thanks for the comments on meter and subject. Some of the transitions are too abrupt and I'll have to try to smooth them out in revisions. Appreciate you looking in.

[Jee Leong]

Aubade Anniversary

In the first year, you said, a coin is dropped
Into a bottle each time a couple fuck.
They take, the rest of their lives, moments copped
To empty the decanter, with some luck,
Coin by coin. I think of your loose change
Tossed into the cup – quarters, pennies, dimes –
Silver and copper that came from a range
Of jean-pockets you wore at different times,
And become sad. Then I recall you would
Pick up some coins before we left the house
so as to pay with exact cash for the goods
I enjoyed as more than friend and less than spouse.
Over the cup, I write of memory’s sum,
read on each coin e pluribus unum.

[Jee Leong]

Payday Loans

Lend me three hundred certainties, Mister Death.
In cash. You’ll have it back on my payday,
And whatever interest levied. By my breath,
I need the loan right now to make my way.
My boyfriend does not want me to move in
Yet. I’m leaving school without a job.
My visa is expiring. I begin
Writing a sonnet when the brain’s a slob.
Last Saturday, the Berkeley economist
Spoke of the lenders jacking up their stalls
And interest rates for those desperate or pissed
Scuffing or sleeping in poverty’s malls.
He explained to me how it’s irrational
To borrow from death in order to subsist.

[romac1]

Hi Jee

These last two are both very good.

The first, I think, could do with a little sharpening around lines 9-12. The final couplet is excellent.

The second is really strong, some great lines. I would find something else for:

I begin
Writing a sonnet when the brain’s a slob.

Sems out of place.

Cheers,
Rob

[Jee Leong]

Hi Rob, I completely agree with your crit. The sonnet line does not work. I'll try to find something else. Thanks for reading.

[Jee Leong]

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