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Thread: Mr Mascellani's Thread

  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keyez
    well i see you just posted number six! dammit i was only on five,.,.


    i have enjoyed everything i have read of yours so far.,.,


    #5 was brilliant!!!!!!!!!


    S1 was enough to make my day! but i'm glad the poem kept going!


    excellent story line



    my only nit:
    "But now her voice was a river of blood
    that washed away all of the neighbours’ secret pains and fears.
    Their laughter and everything else stopped,
    even the wind.
    There was only her voice."
    ~it feels out of place with the rest of the poem,., and sounds a bit cliche

    Thanks. I will address these problems when I do a rewrite.

    excellent end.,., what a site! ...indeed.


    thanks
    Thank you.

  2. #32
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    G'Day, David! I see you're still into chickens, bwuck bwuck. heh. gotta say, when this is over and you have your 30 chicken poems, you should entitle the whole shebang "30 Ways to Dine on Chicken", or something like that. I salute you. Hard enough to write a poem a day for a month, let alone write a poem a day about chikens for a month! and do a good job of it as well! I liked the rooster poem alot - good ending. Was less enthusiastic about yesterday's poem because of all those dashes - content is ok, but the dashes chop it up to much. Not all the dashes are properly used, either. Bt still, a good effort.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by cookala
    G'Day, David! I see you're still into chickens, bwuck bwuck. heh. gotta say, when this is over and you have your 30 chicken poems, you should entitle the whole shebang "30 Ways to Dine on Chicken", or something like that. I salute you. Hard enough to write a poem a day for a month, let alone write a poem a day about chikens for a month! and do a good job of it as well! I liked the rooster poem alot - good ending. Was less enthusiastic about yesterday's poem because of all those dashes - content is ok, but the dashes chop it up to much. Not all the dashes are properly used, either. Bt still, a good effort.
    Thanks

    very much

    cookala.

    David
    I just thought that if Charles Chickowski (poem 3) was a Bukowski type it would
    be kinda funny to have Penny be an Emily Dickinson type poet. And yes, my use of dashes in the poem is incorrect to the point of being ridiculous. I like both Bukowski and Dickinson. But Bukowski being essentially a non poet who basically writes prose with line breaks is much easier to parody than Dickinson
    who is a genius.

    Thanks again.

  4. #34
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    Hi David,

    Let's take a look at this Penny Dickinson's poem. I should actually like this because I like the other Dickinson as well, heh. Should there be more '?' somewhere, like in L2 and L5. Nice read. Thanks.

    Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by David Mascellani
    Sir-you are no chicken-
    why you are little more-
    than a frog-in a bog-
    surrounded by bees, harebells -
    and me- I sip-tea -from the finest Sevres.
    You and me?
    – that would be- farm life.

  5. #35
    TanyaLS is offline Over here, in the hydrangea bush.
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    Good, funny opening line. I would replace 'frog' with 'scum' or 'turd'(heehee). Um, and I would break after 'finest' so that the reader is like, totally unexpecting 'Sevres'. Looking forward to your next one.

    Tanya

  6. #36
    Keyez is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    i think you should write TWO poems a day!


    #6.,., another enjoyable read.,.
    my only nit is with "frog- in a bog", a bit elementary sounding and a bit distracting of the rest of beautiful words! ,., * i think someone else commented on that as well*


    thanks
    ~Keyez~

  7. #37
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    Thanks very much Autumn, Tanya, and Keyez.


    Poem for April 7: Chicken.

    One night
    one road
    no cops
    one crowd
    two drivers
    one smash
    one crash
    two corpses
    two funerals

    Chicken.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Mascellani

    Poem for April 7: Chicken.

    One night
    one road
    no cops
    one crowd
    two drivers
    one smash
    one crash
    two corpses
    two funerals

    Chicken.
    Okay, I know which chicken this is. One question. Should the crowd comes after the crash? Thanks for the read.

    Autumn

  9. #39
    TanyaLS is offline Over here, in the hydrangea bush.
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    Very clever, very impactful, so to speak. I like #7. It's this type of poetry that people who aren't "into" poetry would like. I think M.A.D.D and other driving/accident related groups would appreciate this. This is serious stuff, beneath the slight facade.

    I found another chicken poem.

    Sorry.

    You've outdone yourself, David.

    Tanya

  10. #40
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    #7

    Heya, David. Ah, very clever. Yet another definition of "chicken". You go, dude!

  11. #41
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    Oh yes -- I quite like this Mr. Mascellani.

    It would make for GREAT poster poetry! Seriously. I've no idea how one goes about that sort of thing, but I have seen a few, and they seem to feature poems like this (with sort of grim images behind them.) And it sure beats "just say no" or something.

    Well done -- Ella

  12. #42
    Keyez is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    well, i didnt get the play on words with "chicken" until i someone mentioned it in a crit..,., after the realization, this poem came together!

    i dont think many people could pull off a poem like this,.,. but i think you managed!

    one suggestion,.,. i think if you were going to edit this, you might consider adding another line beginning with something other than "one" or "two", like you have "no cops".,.,.,.,. i think it would keep the "ones" and "twos" a bit fresher!
    ~Keyez~

  13. #43
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    Autumn- You have a point. You are talking about the crowd of onlookers which gathers round to check out an accident. The crowd in my poem is a crowd of spectators who have come to see the illegal race. Maybe I could use the two types of crowds -one type before the race and one typr after the race- to balance
    out the "no cops" imbalance of which Keyez refers.

    Tanya - Thanks for comments, compliment, and poem.

    Cookala- thanks dudette.

    Ella- I'll have to check out this poster poetry. Thanks

    Keyez- Good points. Thanks.


    April 8- Life-Times

    Artie put the barrel of the gun
    into his mouth and pulled the trigger.
    He believed this to be
    the best solution to his problems:

    Lonely,
    luckless in love,
    deadend job,
    gambling debt
    etc
    etc
    etc.

    So many etceteras,
    too many etceteras
    as if they grew abundantly wild and mad
    on some etcetera bush.
    Each etcetera
    another problem on Artie’s list of laments.
    Another reason
    another excuse
    for Artie’s decision to die.

    And die he did.

    But somehow he came back
    as a hen-
    his human soul and thoughts intact.
    And he
    or should I say she
    came to know the pain of laying eggs
    and of being a randy old rooster’s favorite.

    Missing an opposable thumb
    with which to grasp
    Artie the ex man now hen
    yearned for the sweet release of the farmer’s axe.
    Until she realized that her next life might be even worse
    than either this or the last.
    and the absurdity of all it all made her laugh and laugh
    or,rather, cluck and cluck.

    She fell in love with Roger the randy old rooster and his rustic charms
    and she made many a friend with all sorts of hens
    and found herself
    no longer lonely,
    very much lucky in love,
    She adored her job as a free-range chook,
    had no gambling debt
    and when she died- she was a grandmother hen

    Her next life came and she was
    once again human.
    Brought back to bring peace to the earth.
    And ,of course,
    just as her job was begun
    she was assassinated
    by some nut job with a gun.

  14. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by David Mascellani
    Autumn- You have a point. You are talking about the crowd of onlookers which gathers round to check out an accident. The crowd in my poem is a crowd of spectators who have come to see the illegal race. Maybe I could use the two types of crowds -one type before the race and one typr after the race- to balance
    out the "no cops" imbalance of which Keyez refers.
    Illegal race? Oh, the 'no cops' is clearer now. That also explained why the crowd came before the smash and the crash. I'll come back to look at April 8 later, coz it's long! Heh.

    Autumn

  15. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Autumn
    Illegal race? Oh, the 'no cops' is clearer now. That also explained why the crowd came before the smash and the crash. I'll come back to look at April 8 later, coz it's long! Heh.

    Autumn
    I need more sleep. I didn't mean illegal race. I meant one of those illegal situations where two drivers drive towards each other and the "chicken" pulls away first. Thanks for comments.

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