Sorry Just Doesn't Cut It

[Sorry]

Okay, now that I’ve caught up on crits, it’s high time I remedied the inexcusable lack of gratitude I’ve shown to those who took the time to respond to my last Greenhouse poem. I sincerely apologize for not thanking you all sooner, and am vowing to not let it happen again. I look forward to working in the Greenhouse again with you all.

Greetings Garsy, thank you for reading Contravistas and sharing your thoughts- you gave many good suggestions for cuts and clarifications which will be very helpful in the future. I appreciate you giving this your time.


Hello Seremba, thank you for taking a look at my poem and sharing your time and poetic wisdom- your help is greatly appreciated. You’ve pointed out many things which I’d not given proper consideration and your critique will be so useful as I revise- thanks again!

Toby, hi! Thanks for reading Contravistas and sharing your impressions. It is always fascinating to learn how readers interpret my words, and your critique opened my mind to the possibilities in that regard. Your thoughts and ideas are much appreciated, thanks for your help.

Emilio: Thank you for the love and kindness- this crit is so helpful- thank you for reading this and for the time you spent considering and writing this critique. Pointing out specific flaws and explaining them is very helpful, and your suggestions had merit- thanks so much for sharing your comments and suggestions, they are a big help.

Hello new leaf, thank you for this detailed, thoughtful critique. I found it very well explained and justified, and it brings many things into focus which I’d not seen or considered previously. This will be a valuable tool as I revise- thank you so much for reading Contravistas and sharing your time, knowledge and opinions to help me improve it.

...and lastly but by no means leastly,

will eastland: Hello, thank you for reading my poem and sharing your critique. brief though it is, there is much sound advice given, and it will be a big help as I revise. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts- thanks again!



~Sorry

[Sorry]

Opportunista

　
　
“Nothing is worth more than this day.”
~Goethe

Morning’s still unveiling my lovely valley:
From this viewpoint, saxe blue rules to the east
above a deep basin sporting an even spill
of milky fog. Northward, Bruno’s mountain sprouts
cauliflower clouds, round mounds rallying
for atmospheric saturnalia.

A westerly breeze blows now and again,
making quaking ash play maraca beats.
Wind flings flotsam of debris over seas
of winter wheat whose proud heads bow, concede
in unison, give sway to new green shoots.

Lye Brook sits south of my house, its wide mouth
shoogles, spits opalescent prism-ribbons
in foamy fits. As dawn breaks, wispy mists
lift from sunlit surfaces, dissipate.

I confess, there is much I’ll not get done
today, my mind already hijacked by
this gorgeous place. I’ll find ways to waste time
in the blissful sunshine, my solar self
undisciplined as the decadent fox
who trots through fields chasing chickadees, but

every fox I’ve ever seen was smiling.

　

�œ

[Dave Wiseman]

Sorry,
I read this as a celebration of the atmosphere of a very particular place. The Narrator is attempting to put the reader in a like mind and capture a particular moment in time. I think it is mainly successful. I can even see how the centering does not get in the way, and I am no big fan of the technique to begin with. For my money (ha) I can see a few places where I think you may have an opportunity to strengthen it. Generally, I think you can make better use of the adjectives you use in a couple of places.

Opportunista

I like the title mostly, and how you really ground it with the ending.

　　

“Nothing is worth more than this day.”
~Goethe

Morning’s still unveiling my lovely valley:


“lovely” is a tell-y adjective and a visual let-down in what otherwise wants to be a very visual opening





From this viewpoint, saxe blue rules to the east


“Saxe blue” I had to look up. I can see why you want to use it, but is it too specific and specialized a word? would grey-blue work as well and not run the same risk ? I don’t know. I do know that “viewpoint” is entirely too prosaic for my ear. What is N sitting or standing on? Rock?, grass, a log, a chair? I think a specific object would fit here.

above a deep basin sporting an even spill
of milky fog. Northward, Bruno’s mountain sprouts
cauliflower clouds, round mounds rallying
for atmospheric saturnalia.

Really cool sonics in these last three lines, I like the very local naming of the mountain.

A westerly breeze blows now and again,

making quaking ash play maraca beats.
Wind flings flotsam of debris over seas
of winter wheat whose proud heads bow, concede
in unison, give sway to new green shoots.

Lye Brook sits south of my house, its wide mouth

shoogles, spits opalescent prism-ribbons

“Shoolges!”

in foamy fits. As dawn breaks, wispy mists
lift from sunlit surfaces, dissipate.

Another bout of fetching sounds here.

I confess, there is much I’ll not get done

today, my mind already hijacked by

You could lose “My mind”” here and I am not sure it would be missed. Wait, what did I mean by that? You could cut out the words “my mind” yeah, that’s it.

this gorgeous place. I’ll find ways to waste time
Find a better adjective than “gorgeous” if any adjective is needed at all.
in the blissful sunshine, my solar self

“blissful” gets a thumbs-down from me

undisciplined as the decadent fox

I think “undisciplined” is the wrong adjective here, at least in terms of describing the fox. “Unburdened” maybe? or something else. Also, fox is not chasing birds for fun, but for breakfast. I am torn about “decadent” for the same reason. But, I suffer often from bouts of hyper-literal-osis.

who trots through fields chasing chickadees, but

every fox I’ve ever seen was smiling.


Great ending line, I can see the tie in to the title here and how you have tied the whole thing up with a tidy, yet surprising ending.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck.

[Hydro]

Hi Sorry, just a crazy suggestion, re. 'Opportunista.'

Get rid of nearly every single adjective, see what happens.

If it were me, the only ones I'd keep are 'saxe', 'surfaces' (or something stronger) and maybe 'cauliflower.'

But it's you, heh.

[Alexandrite]

Hello Sorry, Soooo, were they having a sale on modifiers?? Two things keeps this reader at arm's length: 1) over-modification, and 2) competing elements that rob it of unity.

Okay, maybe there are four things-- 3)why use a center justification on the page?? 4) a shift in voice. This begins with a 'folksy',contraction "Morning's" then segues into--

Wind flings flotsam of debris over seas
of winter wheat whose proud heads bow, concede
in unison, give sway to new green shoots.

and this results in an inconsistancy of voice that undermines reader trust.

I enjoyed the Goethe quote and I think the poem will eventually convey what it should. The 'nuts and bolts' are all here waiting to be assembled.
I enjoyed considering this and hope to see it beyond 'seedling' in the forums.

Opportunista
“Nothing is worth more than this day.”
~Goethe

Morning’s still unveiling my lovely valley:
From this viewpoint, saxe blue rules to the east
above a deep basin sporting an even spill
of milky fog. Northward, Bruno’s mountain sprouts
cauliflower clouds, round mounds rallying
for atmospheric saturnalia.

Eight modifiers in the first strophe. Thirty-eight words total which means modifiers represent 21% or almost a full quarter of what's presented.

A westerly breeze blows now and again,
making quaking ash play maraca beats.
Wind flings flotsam of debris over seas
of winter wheat whose proud heads bow, concede
in unison, give sway to new green shoots.

Here's where unity, or the lack there of comes into play. There's the image of ash trees playing maracas, then the wind flinging flotsam AND debris over the sea which is actually proud wheat with anthropomophic heads that can bow AND concede not only individually but in unison.
That's a lot of imagery vieing for attention.

Lye Brook sits south of my house, its wide mouth
shoogles, spits opalescent prism-ribbons
in foamy fits. As dawn breaks, wispy mists
lift from sunlit surfaces, dissipate.

The language here moves (IMHO) from an interesting colloquial 'feeling' in verbs-- 'shoogles, spits' (which are disarmingly natural) into 'dissipate' which is definably more stilted and inaccessible. I feel language has to do more than just 'sound' good together (whch shoogles, spits, dissipate does), it has to meld together in such a way each word vibrates with the same energy. Hope that makes sense.

I confess, there is much I’ll not get done
today, my mind already hijacked by
this gorgeous place. I’ll find ways to waste time
in the blissful sunshine, my solar self
undisciplined as the decadent fox
who trots through fields chasing chickadees, but

every fox I’ve ever seen was smiling.

I feel this is the most authentic strophe regarding 'voice' however it veers into 'telling' rather than showing and lapses into abstraction.

　

[Sorry]

Wow, Dave, Hydro and Alexandrite, thank you. Three great crits- a goldmine for me in revision. The first step is a radical adjectivectomy-21% modifiers in S1? Did I do that? That's an important filter to neglect. Egad. Thanks for doing the math, Alex. Motivation.I'll combine S2 and 3, pare things down considerably...hmmm.
You've got my gears turning, folks. Your crits are greatly appreciated, thank you for sharing your time and expertise with me.

Have fun,

Sorry