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Thread: The Lonely Song

  1. #1
    nap85 is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    The Lonely Song

    Empty hollow lonely
    Broken bored and cold
    The meek will perish slowly
    Fortune favors the bold
    Reaching jumping falling
    Turned lost and sold
    Painful spinal crawling
    When did I get so old

    I cannot touch the sky
    The stars are not for me
    Wave and say goodbye
    To all you thought would be
    I think I slept last year
    and put my smile on
    I swear the moon is laughing
    I swear the sun is gone

    Cliche's checked and covered
    Persistent nagging itch
    The wound has never healed
    But I pull another stitch
    Despite good intentions
    Peeking pushing through
    Darkness overcomes
    Grabbing pulling holding you

    Tear it apart please. This is another song I'm working on. Using a cheap acoustic guitar with a really dark tone, it seems to match the lyrics well. I have no way to record yet, but I'm working on it. Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Quasar is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Hi, Nap.

    First off, nix the title. It's boring and repetitive when it's used in the 1st line. But titles are minor nits and don't affect much. Without punctuation, I still get the gist of these lyrics, albeit vaguely.


    "Empty hollow lonely
    Broken bored and cold
    The meek will perish slowly
    Fortune favors the bold
    Reaching jumping falling
    Turned lost and sold
    Painful spinal crawling
    When did I get so old"

    L1 and L2 have decent alliteration. But does alliteration really matter in a song? S1 doesn't really say anything substantial. It merely states that N is lonely and has some back pain.


    "I cannot touch the sky
    The stars are not for me
    Wave and say goodbye
    To all you thought would be
    I think I slept last year
    and put my smile on
    I swear the moon is laughing
    I swear the sun is gone"

    S2 continues with the same opaqueness of ideas. "The stars are not for me"...seriously? Why would any reader/listener give a hoot? Four lines begin with "I". Need I say more?

    "Cliche's checked and covered
    Persistent nagging itch
    The wound has never healed
    But I pull another stitch
    Despite good intentions
    Peeking pushing through
    Darkness overcomes
    Grabbing pulling holding you"

    S3 is the most powerful verse. However, it's still random ranting. This is classic writer-telling-reader how writer feels with total disregard of benefits to anyone but the writer.

    I suppose any song could work without a chorus, as this one might. But the chorus is a needed connector, IMO. It simplifies the lyrics and/or situations into a catchy synopsis that listeners can, not only relate to, but sing. Although I've sung these lyrics and had no problem with making the beats work, I don't see this being a success as a song without a chorus. And if I'm wrong, there will have to be some serious music behind it to make this post songworthy. I'd love to hear the finished product and I hope this helps.

  3. #3
    nap85 is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Yes your post helps. Thank you Quasar. You're one of the first to give me any real criticism on any of my posts that helps me to look at it differently. I know my grammar and punctuation on a few (or all) of my posts is a little lacking, and at the risk of sounding like a little whiner, it has really been bugging me that my writing seems to be so un-crit-worthy. Everything you said makes sense and gives me something to work with, thank you.

  4. #4
    Quasar is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Writing a song that is grammatically correct does not make or break anything. It's actually not a factor at all. However, given this is a workshop, I'm required to make those observations and reply thusly. A song without music is not a song. They're merely a bunch of words begging for some music. It's virtually impossible to properly diagnose the merits of song lyrics without an accompaniment of some sort. Even a rough recording would help put the message together, lyrically and musically. Again, hope this helps.

  5. #5
    CFMM is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Not hearing the song, I don't feel totally confident speaking about rhythm.
    However, you may want a more regular meter than what you have provided.
    I generally don't like this many changes in a metered poem.
    Following is what I hear in the first verse

    Empty hollow lonely 6 trochee
    Broken bored and cold 5 trochee
    The meek will perish slowly 7 iamb
    Fortune favors the bold 6 spondee, trochee, iamb
    Reaching jumping falling 6 trochee
    Turned lost and sold 4 iamb
    Painful spinal crawling 6 trochee
    When did I get so old 6 spondee, anapest, iamb

  6. #6
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    nap - I like the energy in this, it's bustling like a rap song by William Blake. I would go with what seems like your first impulses on this, it's spontaneous and playful, don't lose that if you revise too much. Cheers, RC

  7. #7
    JonB is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    I would love an opportunity to crit this with a sound file. If you have a computer or a phone, you have the ability to record.

  8. #8
    Reflection is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Keep pushing. Maybe wrong but this is the song of youthful torment and heartache I sang many moons ago myself. These lyrics won't get you where you want to go with an audience but once you flush them through you in the million ways they want to come out, you'll find the ones you want. Like your rhymes, it's important to remain unpredictable.

  9. #9
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    nap - I like this a lot - tight, unsentimental, not cliched, not a great poem but I think it will make a good song. I do agree that the title should go - maybe name the night, figuratively, you wrote it - i.e. - "Wounded Night" - One suggestion - google some open tuning chords - maybe open C - you might just perk up that cheap acoustic with a new tone. Best - RC

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