Rainfall on an Empty Street

[John2]

.o
.........................b
.........n
....................s
..................s
.................................t

.......................... i
......a
............y
.......................i....l
............................................s
...m
................o..................i
.
.....................................e
S.......... .p............ i
puddle........ and........ .gutter........and
....................................................dr
.....................................................ai
......................................................n.....a.......w........a.........y...........

[Badger11]

The title seems more of a label on a can. An insurance to ensure that the reader is located in the poem. I don't see any risk taking in the title.

The rainfall of letters seems random to me. I can see the word empty, but I am not finding other elements to thread, so I gave up on that approach. This made the impact of that section of the poem irrelevant. I would say the use of space is too confined to one corner of the screen.

I don't see any visual fluidity in the concluding section. There is a connective continuity of puddle/gutter/drain in terms of rain and that a puddle could be drained through a guttering system. In this context the use of 'and' is justified. However, I think you have missed an opportunity to be inventive with the 'd' of and and the 'd' of drain. At least you have played with the spacing of away. However, again it seems conservative to include all the letters and punctuation.

I think the concept has potential, but the execution needs to be more inventive.

regards

badge

[John2]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Badger. You’re right on the title, it is a label, and it is looking to place the reader in the poem immediately. I hadn’t considered that playing it safe may be to the poem’s detriment. There's some potential for opening things up.

The placement of the rainfall letters isn’t exactly random, there is a message there but it doesn’t seem to be coming across. Something else to consider in a reworking.

“However, I think you have missed an opportunity to be inventive with the 'd' of and and the 'd' of drain.” – 100% agree with that, absolutely a missed chance there. Great eye + suggestion.

Very helpful analysis, Badge, much appreciated.