Glass

[kristalynn]

Remember, Dad,

You used to get the pumpkins,
and I'd bring my kids,
ready to carve bats, scary faces,
mermaids, whatever; it was just fun
to see Colin so intent on cleaning out the mush,
and Shannon, all princessy, trying to carve
a mermaid into hers.

And it was funny
when we took the jack-o-lanterns
downstairs where it was dark
to take a picture of them lit,
but you used the flash,
so we ended up with a picture of two carved pumpkins
on the dryer
without any glow.

It's not even that those were our best
times together. It's just that
I really wish
that last October you had been carving pumpkins
instead of dying.

[Risa Denenberg]

String Concerto-- very nice sounds and images. You could lose the "and" between violas and cellos. I am a bit confused, it would seem that the bow is being raised to a conductor, but what I'm visualizing here is a string quartet, which of course wouldn't have a conductor. Not sure if that matters, since it took me back to the poem, and then expanded it into an orchestra. best, risa

[Ted Ten]

Pacabel,
Remember, Dad is a hard poem to write, for all of the reasons, and then some. We have all probably tried our own versions. I like the way you work the story without self-consciousness about the emotion. And I really like the choice to include your children by name.

T

[kristalynn]

Thank you, Risa, I assume the title is the culprit in the confusion. Thank you, Ted, yes, a hard poem to write. Always hard to avoid sentimentality when writing about this subject.

[Donner]

Always hard to avoid sentimentality when writing about this subject.

You're right, and I think you've hit just the right balance needed for the subject. You could drop the capital "You" at the beginning and let the title carry down into the first line and the syntax of S2 could use a bit of tweaking and tightening, but other than that? I wouldn't touch a thing.

Donner

[kristalynn]

You're right, and I think you've hit just the right balance needed for the subject. You could drop the capital "You" at the beginning and let the title carry down into the first line and the syntax of S2 could use a bit of tweaking and tightening, but other than that? I wouldn't touch a thing.

Donner

Wow, thank you, Donner.

[kristalynn]

The palm tree outside my window
is crying.
I don't know if it's because
it's raining and the palm tree had plans
for outside.

A swallow has perched inside it, among its fronds,
like I did,
only I was a child,
perched among pines.
The bird has flown away.

Now the palm tree is waving its many-fingered hands,
back and forth.
It's trying to get someone's attention.
Is it mine?

[suzanne]

Three facets of loss with these last, my favorite is probably "My Daughter", with the dandelion fluff fleeting away. I guess we never stop talking to loved ones we've lost. And, you demonstrate well how small things can increase in significance after that loss.

I am quite frond of your palm tree.

[kristalynn]

Three facets of loss with these last, my favorite is probably "My Daughter", with the dandelion fluff fleeting away. I guess we never stop talking to loved ones we've lost. And, you demonstrate well how small things can increase in significance after that loss.

I am quite frond of your palm tree.

Very punny, my kind of humor BTW, I think I decided to title that last one "Tuesday Morning" I originally wanted to title it by the day of the week, but at the time believed it to be Wednesday. "Tuesday" sounds better. Why?

[Jee Leong]

BTW, I think I decided to title that last one "Tuesday Morning" I originally wanted to title it by the day of the week, but at the time believed it to be Wednesday. "Tuesday" sounds better. Why?

Tuesday is younger than Wednesday. Wednesday is mid-life. Also, the first syllable of Tuesday sounds more bird-like. That palm tree has some of the qualities of an archetype.

[Featherless Biped]

At the beginning of "my daughter", I thought "meh, flowers", but the dandelion fluff won me over. And simmer/primrose--what a gorgeous internal rhyme.

"Remember Dad" feels very emotionally real. I like the children's pumpkin carving as a way in to discussing the loss. I love the lousy photograph in S2; that's exactly the kind of thing my dad would do.

"Tuesday Morning" (I like the title) is my favorite--striking, dancing between sense and nonsense, something that I could never have got out of my own head without another human being to tell me. This bit is especially yum:

I don't know if it's because
it's raining and the palm tree had plans
for outside.

[kristalynn]

Tuesday is younger than Wednesday. Wednesday is mid-life. Also, the first syllable of Tuesday sounds more bird-like. That palm tree has some of the qualities of an archetype.

I didn't think of those reasons for Tuesday being better, but so true. I was just thinking Wednesday is more complicated to spell and pronounce, and Tuesday is such a plain, ordinary day.

[kristalynn]

FB, I'm happy the dandelion fluff won you over! Thank you for your comments.

[Asymptote]

I love "My Daughter". So cute and full of color - and yet the past tense makes it sad.

[kristalynn]

genesis

ovals of pink and white finger nails
untrimmed, untouched,
your lips before even breastmilk
passes through them,
your cry, your lungs' surprised voice
breathing you into our world,

my cry, not my lungs but myself draining of myself,
and filling with you.