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Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
like two buckets atop a tree stump
you return my longing gaze
is that a twinkle I see?
my love for you is like tartar and plaque
building up on the teeth of my soul
yearning... yearning.. to nibble on your heart
no toothpaste can scrub away my love
the cavity you are destined to fill
it aches with sweetness and cold, I dare not numb
Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
Hi Wordhammer! An interesting simile here, as the aching of (often unrequited) love can indeed resemble a toothache. However, I see no use at all for that first stanza, which comes across as irrelevant and somewhat ludicrous - if anything, diluting the "pain" of the "toothache."
Skipping to the 3rd line of the 3rd stanza, I think youŽd do well to remove both "it" and the comma after cold.
Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
I do not understand the bucket analogy.
If you would care to explain, I would be gratefull.
Because of this the first paragraph seems to be from another poem.
furthermore in the second and third paragraph, you are really creating a mental picture.
painting the words and providing visual cues. I can really visualize your intentions, this is however not the case for the first paragraph.
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