Evening Star

[R.C. James]

http://tindeck.com/listen/zcxj


I see your face full in the wind
everytime I step to our old song
Wherever you are, that’s where I begin,
Comin’ round, but it’s taking too long.

What we have is close to impossible
you’re lost in your dreams, I’m losing the light.
How do you wish upon an evening star
in the middle of a storm when it’s out of sight.

Every minute there’s more distance
I remember a song you once wrote
it was all about love and persistence,
you walked a high circus tight rope

The mystery of your whereabouts
has to wait on the mercy of your ways
An angel’s been there for all your turnabouts
Let her guide you back through the maze.

I see your face full in the wind
everytime I step to our old song
Wherever you are, that’s where I begin,
Comin’ round, but it’s taking too long.

What we have is close to impossible
you’re lost in your dreams, I’m losing the light.
How do you wish upon an evening star
in the middle of a storm when it’s out of sight.

[JonB]

I want to confine my comments to songwriting craft, but it is difficult to ignore the fact that those guitars are seriously out of tune.


The usual workshop gripes about clichés can’t really carry as much weight in a songwriting forum because modern pop music is little more than cleverly arranged clichés. That being said, it is helpful if the clichés are cleverly arranged or twisted in some way to show some fresh perspective on an old cliché.

I think you’ve accomplished that here with a line like:
I see your face full in the wind (I like the double entendre and I certainly hope it was intended.)

But not so much with lines like:
you’re lost in your dreams,

or:
wish upon an evening star

It seems you have employed a different metaphor in each verse

S1 Song = life

S2 End of relationship = loss of vision/light

S3 Life = High wire act

S4 Life = maze

I think the song would have more impact if you chose one metaphor or perhaps 2 metaphors and flesh them out a bit rather than jumping to a new one in each verse.

Thanks for posting a link to a sound file. It takes some of the voodoo out of critiquing a song!

Thanks for the opportunity to listen, read and comment.



JonB