Butterfly Broken

[Scrow]

I love 'little brother' for the unexpected tenderness, and the way it portrays four characters and their relationships in a very short space. Really very good. I've read it a few times now, and it grows with each reading, too.

Anticipation, and One night both have killer endings. I still like 'little brother' best, though, at the moment. I will be back to comment on today's poem, as I've only just seen it.

Sarah

[kristalynn]

Thank you, Sarah, and today's "poem" is really not a poem, but a few maybe lines written on an extremely uninspired day.

[Scrow]

Perhaps they are sometimes the most interesting? I love 'alligator lake', which contextualises and paints a complete picture besides a hinted at portrait of N. I also love the hair/air play and the sonics with 'Myrtle'. So, honestly - really, really nice. 'Little Brother' is still my favourite, though

[kristalynn]

I do find those kinds of things interesting. Love reading people's 30 in 30s. Thanks again!

[Mike M]

The image of the foot on the head of the younger brother is unexpected and vivid, and will linger. Thanks for that one.

[BrianIsSmilingAtYou]

Anticipation seems like it wanted to be a sevenling, but stopped. It works well as is.
One night is a slice-of-life with attitude. I like the little details about the "head flap..." and leaving him in the car.
Things I'm Looking at Right Now--I've been there with trying the 30 in 30. You did fairly well.

BrianIs AtYou

[kristalynn]

Brian and Mike, thank you!

Today, I've been having fun doing a found poem from a random Wikipedia article called The Hollow Men about T.S. Eliot's poem, The Hollow Men. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hollow_Men

Vivienne with Bertrand

Divided.
Last four.
Eliot produced Hollow Men,
Rudyard is one of many
Allusions.

Heart of Darkness is hollow, hollow
at the core.

Mistah, Penny are
Allusions.
Burned united.

Critics told the passing
soul of death,
death's twilight,
death's kingdom,
crossed,
lost,
stuffed image of eyes.

Beatrice.

This is the way the world ends.
Whimper.
Prayer.

[kristalynn]

This comes from http://wn.com/superhuman_monkey_man and from Elizabeth's Bishop's The Man-Moth.


Man-Monkey

He will fall, but first
he stands on the precipice,
skin dark as pupils,
tunnels to seeing.

What he fears most he must do,
so finding strength
in unlikely fingertips,
he scales high.

Man-Monkey like the Man-Moth
finds his moon.

[Sorella]

Aw, Anticipation is cute. Man-Monkey is intriguing, Andrea (and I need to read Man Moth). Never have, to my shame.

[Donner]

Hi, Andrea,

Your poems have not only a lot of sentiment (in the good sense), but some bite as well. Picnic is just one example. There's that phrase, "Life's a picnic," and we think of them as fun times in the sun, but then comes this:

But she's no longer at these get togethers.
This is no longer her
backyard. It's the new wife
who stacks plastic bags of buns
onto the waiting arms
of my grown-up cousins,
aging aunts and uncles.

You do that in One Night, too: He stayed right there / in the parked car / because that's where / she left him. No sympathy for him, no way.

Little Brother is a poignant study of siblings. (Not that *I* ever did anything like that to my younger sister.) I especially liked the image in these lines:

The curve
of his fuzzy head fit snug in the arch
of my foot.

I could feel what N felt.

One thing that NaPo does is highlight writing patterns we may have developed. I know it does for me and what struck me with most of the poems you've posted so far is that you tend to write using shorter lines which don't always allow you to make the most of a line break, pace, etc. NaPo is a time to experiment! Have fun! Go for broke! So, just do it!

Donner

[Scrow]

Hi,

You have a deft and unusual turn of phrase. I love in Man-Monkey how you describe 'skin dark as pupils/ tunnels to seeing' and 'unlikely fingertips/ he scales high'. Fascinating choice of words in the description, but still subtle and understated.

Sarah

[kristalynn]

Thank you, Sarah. The dark as pupils comes a little bit from The Man Moth. I appreciate you visiting again!

Donna, thank you for your feedback especially on my pacing and line breaks!

[kristalynn]

"It's sad we're at the age when these things start to happen."

Dave, 45, died of a massive heart attack.
I didn't know him well, I had to look up his picture
in the yearbook from 1988, then I remembered
the silvery blonde hair that looked almost gray, the mullet.

Dave had a teenage son, and a daughter
who still thought Daddy knew
everything.

He was a plane captain in the Marines,
says the obituary I can't believe
I'm reading. He owned an airplane
maintenance business. He is survived
by his loving wife, Anita.

Someone on facebook remembered him
doing tricks in 1986 on a pink bicycle, gripping
the handlebar, his body slicing the air
like a wing.

I don't really think we're at that age,
but we're closer.

My daughter said it when she was three:
Sometimes in the middle of your life,
you die.

[kristalynn]

"You were right."


I said and told him he should trust
his intuition. This was a new word for him.

"Your gut," I said and cupped my hand
over his small strong abdomen.

[kristalynn]

My first American Sentence of the month:

He wishes our dreams were movies so we could watch them when we're awake.