30 Slices of Toast

[Steven]

Thanks anita, Rob, and Speug for your comments. Much appreciated.

[Steven]

Robins in January



The birds have lost their houses' walls of green.
They stay inside a scaffolding of branches,
Waiting for another spring.

[5th column]

I know it leaves a weak end to L2 but you could break it a word early.

Lovely.

5th

[Emily Bronte]

There's some terrific stuff here steven!

I especially love "Fatten"; 'the pencil marks of winter turn to paint' gives me delightful shivers--such a beautiful line.

"Religiously" made me smile. The outdoor world could be a beautiful church

Cheers,

Mari.

[Featherless Biped]

I

Lovely to see the spring through your eyes in the atmospheric spring poems. I like how "Observatory" shifts from literal to metaphoric in S3, and I love the words "aconites" and "coppice". The gorgeous conceit in "Fatten" makes me think of impressionism. (I think of that school as painting scenes how they look, instead of how they are, if that distinction makes sense.) And your monorhyme stanzas in "Recognizing Birdsong" have the perfect form for their content. "Robins in January" takes the reader back to winter--a short, sweet, and clean scene.

"Religiously" (good idea to use the adverb rather than the adjective) is very different from my experience of church, but wonderful in its coziness--unusually welcoming for a poem whose "we" doesn't quantify over me.

"Tree" is gorgeous, and possibly my favorite of the bunch--both sides of the metaphor are apt, and the chiasmus structure works beautifully: the shape of the poem is "bird, flighty man, stolid man, tree". Perhaps a different title than "Tree", though, to keep the suspense?

"The Explosion" is also a keeper. That door is a great device--I suppose that in the poem, everything but the door has been slammed.

[Steven]

Neil, Mari, and Rachael, thanks for your kind words. I appreciate the time you've gone to make these useful comments.

[Steven]

Birthday


Follow
The munching path,
Clip the clapper bridge,
Unfreeze the flower born today:
April.

[JFN]

Steven, lovely image of the first blooms off Spring in Observatory. Enjoyed this a lot.

The drawing back of winter is excellently displayed in Fatten. Particularly likes S1 here.

Great opening and closing lines in Tree. I loved the conciet of this one.

You've written before about the loss of birdsong in the ever decreasing countryside, and here you've written about the lack of recognition by the younger generation (not that I can judge). Raises the question of how we will monitor the reduction if they are all heard as a single sound. It's a topic you always do well, and this is no exception.

The Explosion is an interesting take on the recognition of sound as well. Wherever it's also a comment on the recent Brussels attack, out some other occasion (real or imaginary) doesn't really matter. It works well.

Lovely cinquain too. There's something praying about saying clip the chapter bridge out loud.

A good month so far. Keep them coming.

John

[anenome]

Robins creates a lovely picture, scaffolding really does its work here!

[Steven]

John, thank you for your in-line comments, much appreciated.
Anenome, thanks too for your observation. Really grateful..

[Steven]

Eclipse


The lady who carries an umbrella
In the deep equatorial sun
Perhaps adores the moon instead. That is,
The romance and mystery of it,
And the purity.
Perhaps the way it cannot touch
Her delicate, tea-coloured skin.

I, for my own part, much prefer the winter sun of England:
It's nicer to feel the sun around you,
Igniting the crisping oak leaves,
Than to feel it on your body in the midday,
Like a crawling-insect gown of heat.

The northern winter sun is not a real sun, she says,
Putting this English photograph down.
It is a hypocritical sun, or brighter moon
That really belongs at night.
She smiles. I guess if it wasn't for all the death around,
Then the winter sun would be perfect.

[5th column]

Hello Steven, there are some interesting images in this last. I enjoy the idea of the sun being in place, around you and yet not touching, igniting the oak leaves reminds me of autumn garden fires and there's a lot to like in the last stanza, especially the hypocritical sun, or brighter moon.

Lovely thread. Keep going.

[Arlene]

Love Robins in January, perfect, Birthday, and this last Eclipse, I would like to slap that woman, dunno if that's good or bad.

[anenome]

Eclipse is super, the contrasting viewpoints bringing the explosive narrative in the last stanza to the fore, so much going on there!

[Steven]

Thanks folks, appreciate your comments...fell behind again yesterday as I've been ill for the last two weeks.