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Thread: Creeping Unconsciousness

  1. #91
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Buckfastleigh
    Posts
    2,057

    29. Off the Rails

    (This is so ‘drafty’, it could blow out a candle!)

    Squealing wheels cross points,
    the train rolls in under arches
    and stops with a shudder.
    I stretch and rise to join a shuffle
    of passengers moving down the aisle.

    House prices are like London, sod the job,
    I don’t want it anyway. Who wants to work
    in Oxford on a sink estate: Fire; burning tyres;
    screaming brakes, but the dread I felt
    coming home from the interview
    was more to do with her.

    She was getting high before I left,
    I always recognise the signs - the looks,
    her fear - before the doctors do.
    They never act until it’s too late.

    The tube is oily, snot-blackeningly dusty,
    I look at my fingernails. I hate this city.
    She is out as I turn the key,
    I knew she would be.

    Hours of fretful silence later,
    they giggle, stumbling up the stairs.
    She freezes in hate in the doorway
    when she sees the worry on my face,
    and who the hell is he?

    Always a weekend, an emergency call,
    a locum doctor to be convinced
    she's off the rails, usually by her reference
    to my inherent evil and, on this occasion,
    her conviction that her drunken friend is Jesus.

  2. #92
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Buckfastleigh
    Posts
    2,057

    30. 1965

    Lard
    Lardy-cake
    Leather bag
    Chinking with change
    Heavy with pennies and sixpences.

    Milk
    Top of the milk
    Sparrows and Robins
    Pecking gold tops to take
    The top of the milk.

    Porridge
    Porridge with a halo of milk
    Around an island of brown sugar.
    Suck up warm brown sweet milk.

    Scratchy radio sounds
    ‘Downtown’ so ‘What’s New Pussycat?’
    Twin tub churns hot and steamy
    Washing up noisy sudsy hot and steamy.

    Washing out
    Washing lines billow fresh sheets
    Billow over and over into a blue sky
    A sky always blue and yellow dandelions.

  3. #93
    M is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Fairmont, WV
    Posts
    3,713
    Bop, the drafty one is definitely a keeper, and I love S6. Considering the title and the reference to her being "off the rails", I wonder in its next incarnation if you could metaphorically make her a train car and show how she has physically gone off the rails. Just a thought. Thanks for your kind words and support this month! So glad you were here.

  4. #94
    Join Date
    Feb 2000
    Location
    Washington State
    Posts
    21,426
    Hi, bop,

    I thought "Off the Rails" has a lot of potential, actually. (It somehow seems to work out that those desperate drafty ones are the ones with some of the most potential, like middle children.) The poem didn't start drawing me in until S2, when it becomes more personal about N, S1 seems more like something one writes when one wants to start a poem, but doesn't quite know where. Try dropping S1 and switching S2 and 3 - S3 sets up why N dreads coming home. Details such as "House prices are like London", "The tube is oily, snot-blackeningly dusty" and "her conviction that her drunken friend is Jesus" make the poem.

    Always a pleasure reading your work.

    Donner
    Moderator
    Let the poem do the talking. Then hide behind it.

    Get your copy of Try to Have Your Writing Make Sense - The Quintessential PFFA Anthology!

  5. #95
    Join Date
    Mar 2000
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    1,613
    Muscovy duck made me laugh out loud.

    "was conscious of the position of my toes
    as I drummed them in the confines of my shoes"

    Nice image.




    "Bent-backed hawthorns point spiky fingers inland,
    don’t put out to sea today, go back!"

    Nice.


    "I sigh. I’m in the queue and I’m next."

    I liked everything about this. Irritating Ron!


    "young bones
    bend underwater."

    !!

    "but the pond was Keithless as workers
    moved in with shovels and turf. "

    !!


    "The tube is oily, snot-blackeningly dusty,"

    Great image.

    "her conviction that her drunken friend is Jesus."

    That's a spectacular conclusion.

    Enjoyed.

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