Thanks John, that did the trick. Seems an amateur night at the disco solution but, hey - if it works...
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Redesigned
Thanks John, that did the trick. Seems an amateur night at the disco solution but, hey - if it works...
Last edited by 5th column; 02-08-2018 at 09:08 AM.
Resigned
Seven Studies
Hi Neil, glad to learn about bokeh. Trust the Japanese to name the aesthetic quality of the blur. The word in English strangely enough does not sound blurry, at least not to my ears. Sound and meaning in ironic relation.
but say it is my humour
Neil
Great use of the concrete poem, block and schism. And the fragmentation theme carried through in the words, emphasized by your extra full stops. And finally, thanks for bokeh, which I hadn't come across, and which is clever and effective here.
Regards / Dunc
Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
Neil, there might be a better way, but I don't know of it. I think most people use this method on the forum.
The layout and punctuation make for an uncomfortable read, so that worked really well. I am also new to bokeh, but what an appealing concept, and well used as a close to the poem.
John
gurning in the widening gyre
Hey Neil,
I like the way that layout adds possibilities for multiple reads as the fragments are combined in different ways. In some places I even find myself reading down instead of (as well as) across. A break-up poem effectively broken up, both fragmentation and the halting way it reads appropriate to the subject matter. The additional full stops add nicely to the effect. I wondered about 'bokeh' though, as we go from fragments and fragmentation, to, in the last word, being out of focus, which seems something a shift.
Matt
Redesigned
Hey Matt - thank you for the fluffs. This isn’t a break-up poem as such, more a poem about losing oneself (as my grandfather did, to dementia). A fine line but..
Resigned
one part dandelion
It took me a minute to like this then I really did. I can't help but leave myself. Yes. The fragmenting of the self as a means of coping. The outside borders contain the space (as if in a body), but there are two distinct parts with space as the break. Well done.
Redesigned
wheat field iodine
bare heads whispering
a passing ocean
Last edited by 5th column; 02-10-2018 at 07:05 AM.
Resigned
The little guy behind the curtain
"Hive" -- A nice idea clothed in interesting language. I do wonder about the punctuation of ll. 4 - 7, though; there are some clearer alternative punctuations, I think.
"Could we be strangers" -- The idea of fragmentation of some sort is immediately clear; precisely what kind is a bit more difficult to dig out, but that in fact serves what is being said, I think. You might want to add a few more spaces to lengthen the fractures in a few lines to really emphasize the idea (ll. 5,6,7,10,16). I also have some question about the transition from fracturing to the "out-of-focus" idea in bokeh and the logical consistency; they're not really the same and I'm not certain you're gaining anything with "bokeh" that isn't already better expressed otherwise.
"this iodine field" -- I'm drawing a blank with this one so far, other than the connection of "iodine" and "ocean" but which isn't enough to clue me in to anything specific so far.
"Poetry is not a code to be broken but a way of seeing with the eyes shut." -- Linda Pastan
Seven Studies
I looked up "wheat field" and "iodine" and learned that the latter is used as a soil sanitizer. Are the "bare heads" soil scientists, politicians, or the general public? Does it matter, the ocean is passing.
Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
Neil, although I like the imagery of each line in this latest one, and the sonics, I'm a little lost as to the overall picture.
John
gurning in the widening gyre
Hi Neil,
I'm a little lost on iodine. Is it being used as verb? Or maybe a colour? Other than that, I see the bare heads as the ears of wheat, and the sound the field makes as a passing ocean.
Matt
but say it is my humour
Neil
Wheat (heads), iodine, ocean ─ not getting the iodine from the wheat field, I imagine instead we're on a road with a wheat field nodding on one side and the ocean on the other adding some incongruous iodine. It has a definite charge to it, but being a tiny bit clearer mightn't hurt.
Regards / Dunc
Redesigned
Thank you Dunc and to everyone for the comments. One of those cases where the specific image recalled worked in the mind's eye but not on the page. Soz bout that.
bare-limbed supplicant
pollarded ash reflecting
roots in mud puddles
Last edited by 5th column; 02-12-2018 at 06:56 AM.
Resigned
Redesigned
Like a Wolf
Let me begin
by saying. Let me begin.
Let me say. Let me.
Say something. Concrete
pockmarked by bullet acne.
Something imprecise.
Like a scar.
Like collateral.
Let me drone on.
Like scars.
Like uncertainty.
Like a yellow light.
Like a stop sign
Not a stop sign.
Like a remnant of meaning.
Like the right
lane must turn right.
The lowest common denominator.
One can always go further.
Like a car on a sidewalk.
Something sprawling.
Like a pile of post behind the door.
Like news you need poison.
Like being cruel to be kind.
Let's revise that.
Like poison hunting blossoms in the veins.
Like a good intention.
Like, but unlike.
Are we there yet?
How do we pull this off?
Let's make meaning.
Ranging further.
Like directions.
Like a jam.
Like an amber light.
Like sunlight in the rust belt.
Like sunlight but not sunlight.
Like a dried cum-shot on a lathe.
Like punching out.
A kind of promise.
A kind of un-automation.
A kind of Automaton.
Mission Impossible.
Like strong arm tactics.
Like a throwback.
Like a union.
Unlike - a union.
Like an unpaid bill.
Sooooooo like a bankrupt.
Not like a bankrupt.
Bankrupt.
Lets say free time.
Lets say quality time.
Lets say Bull horn.
He left to pursue other interests.
Spend more time with the family.
Like fading.
Like hoodwinking.
Can I say Little Red Hoodwinking?
I already did.
Misdirecting.
Like a line break.
Like a lie break.
Lose the meaning.
Lose all meaning.
Lose all meanings.
Lose the meanings.
Define meaningless.
Like a list.
Like repetition.
Like a loss of sensation.
Just like Novocaine.
Just lie back and relax.
I hear crackling.
I smell crackling.
Incantation:
Little pig.
Little Pig.
Last edited by 5th column; 02-12-2018 at 11:17 AM.
Resigned
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