Searching for Crystals in the Dark

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

Hi Andrea,

Very quiet here this month!

I like the symmetry here. Music is too vast, so the N moves to something tiny, but the poem stays to shift to the bug's perspective, from which the N is vast. As the bug to the N, so the N to music. And so, in a way, the N has written about music after all.

Matt

[levchernyi]

I am unsure of the worth of the opening business about music. I like the musing on perspective fine standing on its own. I find the unidentifiable nature of the beast one of the more interesting openings in this one.

[Donner]

Hi, Andrea,

Another one of your keen observations. Insects and spiders are really HUGE subject matter and many make their own music (even if that's an annoying drone), so in a way N ends up writing about music. And given its size, the insect has found itself in its own huge world, crawling along N's arm. It's all a matter of perspective.

Donner

[kristalynn]

Thanks, ya'll. I should have known I wasn't going to follow through this month. Too much going on. Next time I start, I will be committed to the finish.

[kristalynn]

I really will finish this month, but if I don't, it WILL be because I have lost power due to Hurricane Irma!

Lifelines

Wrinkled palms of old ladies grasp
the scrolled backs of the pew
in front of us, then bend
onto one crumbling knee,
like a long ago temple destroyed.

Through the window behind
the huge hanging crucifix,
we see a pair of wings,
heavy with rainwater,
spread to dry before it can fly
again.

During the homily, my son drags
his finger over the meandering lines
of his not-even-fully-grown palm.

Draw a cross onto your hand, Son,
bless yourself.

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

Hi Andrea,

I like this one, the way it spans youth to old age. I read the ending as the mother wishing the son to have a good life, to be protected against the inevitable trials, but knowing that old age and death are unavoidable. The bird resting before taking flight again could be a reference to rebirth or the soul (the old ladies preparing for death). Or more generally to life I guess. We get waterlogged, need to rest before we can rejoin the fray. I like that I can read it either way. If you come back to this, there may be issues with multiple ladies and one knee (I like them grasping the pew-backs, holding onto life) and what "it" refers to in S2, since only the wings and not the bird have been mentioned, but both are easily fixed. Nice one.

It looks like it could be rather a quiet one this month. Just you and me so far. Still, not too late for more to join. Best of luck the hurricane!

Matt

[kristalynn]

Thank you, Matt!

[kristalynn]

Canon in D

My left hand plays
the bass clef
that steady beat
so beautiful
it’s almost a melody
but not, low
like a father’s voice,
unwaveringly
strong or seeming
so, softly
indispensable.

...or this, with slight changes....

Canon in D

My left hand plays
the steady beat
so beautiful
it's almost a melody
baritone
like my father's voice,
unwaveringly
strong or seeming
so, softly
indispensable.

[JFN]

Andrea, you have to finish now, else we'll all be worried about you and hurricanes.

Really enjoyed the details in Lifelines, and the closeness of scrolled to the curved grasp of the palms pays off doubly. The only thing here that jars if that I initially imaged the old ladies in the pew in front of N (no idea why and nothing to suggest that), but if they are grasping the pew in front of N, then they must be in the same pew. Probably nothing, but figured I'd mention it. The first 2 images are of an aging and/or tiring nature; old ladies, recovering bird. The third is a nice shift to something very new, with lots of aging ahead of it. It makes an intriguing contrast. I like the admonishment at the end, to protect oneself.

I think for Cannon... a combination of the two would be my preference. I like the bass clef because it adds a weight and depth of tone to the poem early on. I also prefer the more personal my father. It is also more precise. Worth tweaking in time, its a nice vignette.

John

[Donner]

Hi, Andrea,

I've been watching the news and the progress of Irma. I hope you've gotten out of harm's way before it hits. Be safe.

"Lifelines" - This piece shows the affinity you have for drawing details of old women and contrasting them with young children. I like that the mother sees significance in the "meandering" motions of her son, the old women ("temples") and a bird that will fly again, just as she sees the significance of the Son.

"Canon in D" - I like the second version better for the more personal "my father's voice" and more specific "baritone", but, like John, I miss "bass clef" of the first version. But then you'd have to reconcile "bass" and "baritone". (It's always something.) I'd work on combining the better elements of both as he suggested.

Donner

[kristalynn]

Thank you for your comments, everyone, and for your concern about our safety in the hurricane.

[kristalynn]

Dollhouse

She fingers the miniature rocker,
adjusts the daintily embroidered
throw pillows, sets impossibly
petite dinnerware on a swatch of lace
that is the family’s formal tablecloth.
She has lit a candle, the cool flame
tinier than a teardrop. She keeps
things manageable, she reins
in this wild life.

[Donner]

Hi, Andrea,

Interesting concept, that someone can rein in their own life by controlling a miniaturized one.

Donner

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

Hi Andrea,

Canon in D I really like the first version and miss both the lines you cut in the second voice. The "bass clef" and the "but not" qualification both add something for me. Contra John, I also prefer "a father's voice". The universal seems to work better. "A father's voice" gives my something to work with; your father's voice -- well, I've never heard it, it becomes more private, less communicative somehow. Well, that's how it seems to me.

Dollhouse There's a great idea here, I think, but for me the end, the final sentence, probably explains too much too straightforwardly and lacks an image. Maybe there's away to show the wildness existing beyond the doll house? "tear drop" to indicate the size of the flame very nice touch.

I had a thought: "cool flame" tells me that this isn't a real candle. I'm guessing it's electric. But I wonder how it would be if it were a real candle -- or at least that you didn't make clear it wasn't -- which could be done by losing "cool". I would be an impossible candle as no real flame can be so small. Then I'd be left thinking that it's not really a doll's house, but a real house, her home, that's become a doll's house in her mind. The doll's becomes a metaphor without necessarily existing. Does that make any sense? Not sure I explained that very well! Anyway, what happens if you lose "cool" and the final sentence and end on the tiny candle with the tear-sized flame?

Matt

[JFN]

Andrea, there are some great possibilities in the sense of control over what happens in the dollhouse. I'd love to see some more concrete images of scale here, like the fingertip against the rocker and the teardrop flame. Interesting draft to work from.

John