Group W Bench

[avalanche]

Prug you say...well, sounds familiar. The crossword one was a keeper, I thought.

Av

[Bench]

Thanks for popping in Av. Just looked up prug- apparently it's an incredibly niche racial slur in Canada. I bet Seuss never had these issues...


Struggling to find form

Perhaps I should have a go at,
Instead of a penta: quadrat!
But first I should mention
It's not my intention
To limerickise like a twat.

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

Hey Ben,

Great to see you here.

Melania. Now that's what I call a strong start. Are those cheesy Wotsits?

Pause, Rewind. Nice word-play on 'pause', and that wall, which makes me think of video of a car-wreck, and the windscreen/TV screen connection. Good job it wasn't on Betamax.

(Untitled) has a great opening line that pulls me right in and "a walking x-ray of hunched bones" is a striking image. I might lose the middle sentence, which doesn't seem needed for the story, and "Then Lottie died" would come in more abruptly, and to greater effect, I think.

Crossword is really thinking outside the box whilst inside them at the same time. Very clever and it made me smile.

Knocking out a sestina, even A Seshtina is impressive. This drew me in and held my attention, which I think was partly to do with the device of this being a dialogue between therapist and client. Nice use of end-word variants too. Particularly liked "lonely"->"baloney"!

The Arrival A great turn that gave me a very different take on my second read - "for being the wrong breed", and "she'd seen on the internet ...". Nicely done.

Island seems to be revisiting the same territory as Pause, Rewind. Nice extended metaphor. El Niño really ramps it up.

Keep 'em coming.

Matt

[Dunc]

Ben

Arrival - 'Uncomfortable scene' scarcely touches it - when someone in the clan chucks a biggie like that, you remember. Strongly drawn.

Island - That works very well, a lovesong in the ocean. 'silver blade' is a fine image too, and your close is exactly what's required.

The Prug - Thanks for the tip ... (I neglected to check the words till you suggested it too - do they have that many stairs in Paraguay?)

Struggling to find form - A true NaPo moment, this one, but I'm glad you made your policy clear at the end. ('quadrat' as in marked-out region of study? Quadratic equation? Rider of a quad bike?)

Keep on truckin'.

Regards / Dunc

[Janelo]

Bench,

I spent a little longer in here today, though all I want is more time for NaPo this month.

The sonnet to your mother's weightlifting is quite fine. I think about that physical strength of women all the time.

Arrival though. Oh my. This is so dark and brutal.

Dig your work. Will be back.

Jane

The

[Bench]

Matt, really pleased you've come along for the ride, really pleased Arrival had enough for the second take, I need to work the politics in there a bit better, thanks for the encouragement. Dunc, you are a star, thanks for your continued support, and Jane, sorry for being dark, trying not to spiral down too far (the puppy is the light of my sister's life, predictably, though he eats slippers and has had a good go at my passport). Look, I doubt I'm gonna make it but for the sake of dying throes:

[Bench]

How to Get Her Phone Number

The girl looks me over,
sips her double vodka and coke,
and ticks off her observations:

X Balding
X Scruffy
X Funny

You can have the O and the seven.

I tease out the facts:

X Single (divorced)
X One kid
X Hidden tattoos

She doodles another seven
and a one in spilt lager,
before licking her finger.


Then she walks in:

X Beautiful
X Drunk
X Angry

ready for the same fight.
This time, I’m unarmed.
The numbers dry up.

The girl empties her drink,
leaving the ice.
Before she turns away
she tells me
I’m back to zero.

[Andrea345]

How to Get Her Phone Number - love the play on words. Keep at it!

[Dunc]

Ben

How to Get Her Phone Number - Ah, the mating customs of humans are far more complex than those of the other apes. But as you say, trial and error has been the way we've learnt, right from the start. Your report is dry, witty and well told.

Regards / Dunc

[shadygrove]

How to Get Her Phone Number, witty as Dunc says, closely observed, but really, really depressing. Somehow I want some more numbers play in there -- can you work in his ratings on these women, somewhere? A number pick up line? "Of course there's a 1 and 0, you're a perfect 10." I don't know, but this schmuck of a guy is totally giving these ladies rankings in his head.

And "Sonnet" (I hope it gets a proper title in revision!): Just want to put in the idea that I don't think the poem works until you *do* name mum -- prior to that it's a brawny man out there slinging hay bales, and to know it's N's mother upends the reader's expectations in a way that I think works. So maybe don't axe that too soon. For me, the close makes the poem.

[Bench]

Dunc, again thanks, I don't know how you do it, thanks for your kind words, You're almost single handedly responsible for getting me to continue- everyone else take note: it's Dunc's fault I'm still here.

Shadygrove, really appreciate you coming back as well, perhaps I won't strike reference to mum just yet I was a bit outside the (tick) box *cough* with Number, and really like your thoughts on how to improve on it from a bare arsed idea. You might be on to something with the predatory angle. Many, many thanks.

Never done a triolet. Might therefore be a bit toilet:

[Bench]

Triolet

Realise your corporate dreams and may
your lips move. When you lie
about your feathered bed-blocked bed today:
realise your corporate dreams. And may
I take this chance to say
it seems you want the NHS to die.
Realise your corporate dreams, and May,
your lips move when you lie.

[PClem]

Having all kinds of fun with Crossword, Prug, Struggling to Find Form - great inventiveness. How to Get Her Phone Number is great. Maybe N never her got her phone # but he certainly got her number!
Love the triolet - slam dunk!

[Bench]

Andrea, somehow I missed thanking you for your visit, most grateful for your encouragement! And PClem, glad you liked the triolet- definitely needs work but I had fun writing it...

Doesn't need Sherlock to suss I'm not gonna make it. I'l try and get to fluff everyone, but you lot are knocking out so much enviable material it's overwhelming me a little. Think I'll stick with a few Prug tetras and see if I can get back on it soon.

[Bench]

The Prug (2)

Use this link!