Burned Cookies

[Sorry]

Happy NaPo! Looking forward to enjoying your work again. Have fun! Sorry

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

I'm hoping for at least one King Alfred poem.

Have a great NaPo!

-Matt

[Barbara Jean]

Swallowed by a Whale

You are in the deep.
The heart beats on a xylophone
Of great ribs.

You are in the blue.
Midnight’s phthalo cannot be known
Except for its coldness.

You are in the shiver.
Every shake swallowed as quick
Chimes slow, slower.

You are in the song.
Pings stutter through the fathoms
Sorrow in the belly.

You are in the exhale.
Every breath whistles on whalebone
Over the Salish Sea.

[5th column]

I can’t stop looking for virus references already so in places here I found what I was primed to see. But then again, maybe not. A collection haiku-like S’s that have a dream-like quality. I enjoyed reading and thinking about them so, thank you!

[larryrap]

Hi, that's pretty marvelous, a bit scary too.
I can't help resenting the word "phthalo", though, as an assault on my dignity. Have you no decency?

Larry

[Gabrielle]

Lovely work. I like especially 'sorrow in the belly' <3

[BrianIsSmilingAtYou]

These self-contained strophes work well together, listed like beads on a string.

There is a common conceit in each--the first line of each begins "You are in the ...", and the rest is an elaboration.
Second person point of view is probably less common than 1st or 3rd, and that gives some added interest. I did a mental run through as to how it would sound with 1st or 3rd person, and it seems that 2nd person was a good choice. First person sounds too self-absorbed, while 2nd person sounds oracular, and feels immediate. 3rd person has no feeling of urgency.

Keep going.

BrianIs AtYou

[Dunc]

Barbara

Swallowed by a Whale ─ Fine use of the parallels, being in hospital (or so I gather from S4's ping) and being in the whale. And an engaging complexity of thought in each of the images, each its own narration and its own riddle (and 'phthalo' anchors S2 impressively). I don't know why I was surprised to end up round Vancouver way, but I was.

A most engaging start!

Regards / Dunc

[oldman]

Had to go to Wikipedia for "Salish". Who's language is "...characterised by agglutinativity and syllabic consonants." Two of those words are driving the spell checker crazy. Mostexcellentandthankyou.

[kristalynn]

My favorite in this is the third stanza. I like the movement and the words "shiver" "shake" "quick" "chimes."

[JFN]

Barbara, what a lovely atmospheric start to the month. I enjoy each S in its own right, but as a whole the poem works very nicely. The repetition in the first line doesn't feel forced in any way, and adds a folklorishness to the piece.

Keep well,

John

[Jee Leong]

BJ, lovely song from the depths. Good start!

[Sorella]

Barbara Jean,
Beautiful and imaginative writing from the inside, utilizing our senses.

Sorella

[Midge]

BJ, great to see you napoing this year. Your Whale is well paced and pleasingly structured -- and has taught me a new sort of paint! Thanks.

[M]

Off to a great start, I see! Some lovely word sounds and images here. I love the xylophone of great ribs. Phthalo is my favorite blue, and also a word I'm particularly fond of. And "every shake swallowed as quick chimes slow" is superb. The piece in its entirety evokes a cold melancholy that is very appropriate for the deep sea at night. I can see myself inside of the whale, down in the depths.