Post-Dated Checks

[Scrow]

Hi Steve,

Praise works, I think. I can read it lots of different ways simultaneously but ultimately it's a personification, for me, and a damn good one too, contemporary, well placed, beautifully vivid. And bitter-sweet, too, the relationship between the narrator and praise. The ending with the workers looking over, and the details, are excellent.

Cool talking cloud, too, nicely done. Tidy!

Sarah

[Donner]

Hi, Steve,

"Praise" - Nicely drawn character study of not only "you", but also N and the workers and all of their assumptions. I also like how you utilize the "awkward time" between breakfast and lunch to highlight the awkwardness of the meeting and the repetition of "I got the message".

Nice doing Seven's with you.

Donna

[scraps]

Thanks Jane, Jee, Matt, Sarah and Donner. It was great sharing Sevens with you - I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. It's super helpful to me to know you're out there.

[scraps]

With My Back to the World

It’s not until the hard edges of youth

are worn away that the person beneath

can finally reveal itself. All the former selves

have been cracked open like nesting dolls

and the final, fuilly reduced form wobbles

forth for the closing ceremonies.

All those bodies seem like practice for this.

It’s no rush. Where we’re going will come to us.

[SP Singer]

Very fond of Praise Steve, though the title doesn't connect. I know you said the titles were taken from specific visual works, maybe I need to look this one up.
I really like the part with the magically appearing M and dice roll. I think it's the kind of detail so many of us latch to without realizing we are. The story overall makes me yearn for more, is that good or bad or? in a poem?
Your last is very nice too, especially the close. One nit though is I've never thought of nesting dolls as cracking open, perhaps personal to me, someone who loves them perhaps a bit too much.
I hope you stick with Agnes/she with you! I think she softens you a bit. sp

[GreaterMandalaofUselessness]

Hi Steve,

With my back to the world I like that the older person is softer, not harder. I like that final form is "fully reduced", and the person gets smaller as they mature (as the Russian dolls get smaller the more you remove). I'm interested, though, that after youth there's a final version of us. I think at every stage in my life, I've though thought the previous versions of myself weren't me. I'm guess that in 5 or 10 years time I'll think the same. BTW, first time through, I misread the last line as "We're going to get what's coming to us", which changed the vibe a fair bit!

Great to have you here for Sevens.

Matt

[scraps]

Hi SP and Matt,

SP: Thanks so much for your comments this week. They are such a bonus! I like the idea that using Agnes has softened my writing up a bit. Also, I agree with you about nesting dolls and cracked. I initially was cracking new bodies out of eggs. What would you say for a nesting doll? Twisted? Thanks again!

Matt: Your idea about being a different person every couple of years is what I was going for - just the idea that there is a 'final boss form' that will walk us into the sunset, I think. Thanks for your comments this week!

Steve

[scraps]

Weak Ending

I thought I’d never be well again.

The man on the roof watched them

move me from bed to bed

and jerked it into his hand or sometimes a loose tile.

All of my love sat alone, plotting.

Now, each evening I take the same walk,

stop at the same spot and look down

into the valley. There are many sheep,

an old tree, a stone wall, a sun going down.

This is how the pharaoh felt

watching his own pyramid finally take shape?

I eat the same dinner —

fish, beans, onions, an egg.

I like to be in bed by nine.

[SP Singer]

Hey Steve, having some trouble with this one, but liking to imagine the N is dead and doing all this stuff we living are up to. sp

[Cameron Clark]

I like this. It feels to me simultaneously about the desolation of a life and the raising of a persona. As yet, you have not introduced the core to the poem, that will make its fragments cohere. I was sad not to get a chance to comment on your poem in the forums. It was indeed quite good.
Hope this helps.

[Scrow]

Hi Steve, and good to be writing with you again this December,

I like the first bit, but for me there could be two poems here, one starting, 'Each evening' and the other the first, slightly more personal and surreal poem. Maybe it might be worth considering splitting them or adding some kind of linking device in revision?

Sarah

[scraps]

Thanks a bunch SP, Cam and Sarah!

SP: I can handle that, lol. I appreciate you letting me know I lost you along the way.

Cam: Thanks for your read. That makes a lot of sense what you're saying. I don't know if I have a core to this or if I will, but your insight is very valuable to me.

Sarah: I agree that it's hard to match up the two sides. I think they are part of the same poem, but your feedback is very similar to Cam's and SP's as far as it missing something. Thank you very much for that.

Steve

[scraps]

Trouble with Tenses

As a tree, it’s the walking that first terrified me.

Very many animals rustle inside my thin skin suit —

only one needs peek through to expose us all.

All my life, I’ve reached both for and away from

the same thing. I did what came naturally. Now,

I find myself trying to walk both up and down

stairwells at the same time, slipping on both

ceilings and floors, unable to follow the simplest

commands. On the other side of the huge

office windows, the pretty birds all gather.

They know it’s me. I am so embarrassed.

I want to drop my disguise and sway for them

as they sing to me. But I have mouths to feed

and so we thought we might watch you work a while,

it having been so long since we worked ourselves.

[SP Singer]

I want to spend awhile longer with this one Steve. Thank You for the many surprises. Initially, some of my favorite parts are in the sequence about all the opposite directional pulls. When I got to that listing I felt a powerful sense of familiarity right away. Will be back. Thank You! sp

[drumpf]

Trouble with Tenses

The first line's anthropomorphizing is unexpected. I like it. I wonder how a tree can walk. I feel like there should be a line break btwn L3-4, since the opening phrase "All my life," is like an open breath. The piece is a bit scattered, but there are things to exploit more. Like the sight of pretty birds add dynamics to N. I like that in contrast to the awkward walking.