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Thread: Wrestlemania MMXXI

  1. #31
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    Hi drumpf,

    I like the idea of a poem set in an elevator. The idea of the 'pewter man' works for me, too (interesting choice of material) & good to see a return to your earlier themes of thwarted love/longing, expressed in ways that are pleasingly the opposite of sentimental!

    Sarah

  2. #32
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Thank you Jo, I can iron out S6 a little, I'm glad you find this tin man intriguing. Thank you scraps, I gotta tell her the pewter man whacked off. lol and Scraps, hahaha why do you think I "confused" the pewter man with the tin man? Finally, thank you Scrow, pewter seemed different yet similar enough to tin. Oh, and I got more thwarted love coming to ya!

  3. #33
    JFN is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    drumpf, I am well behind, sorry. El Guardabarranco depicts a fairly bleak narrative, but real and believable due to all the small and precise details.


    Ball Never Lies is another good narrative of the solitary person dedicated to their art above all else. I do enjoy some of the American phraseology used in these, which is unfamiliar to me.


    I like the PlayStation as being as inaccessible as the Spanish girl, and the Charizard pack is an interesting detail.


    I've read through Hollow Man a couple of times but my addled brain isn't getting it tonight. Sorry.


    John
    Poetry is everywhere; it just needs editing.
    James Tate

    johnnewson.com

  4. #34
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    In "Defense" of Day Gamers Downtown

    You guys in groups look like losers
    I root for. You wander in the middle of the street
    selling oxytocin out in public
    for digits, dinner, and dick thrusting.

    You keep refining your product
    by outsourcing structure from RSD,
    the Sinaloa of Washington Square Park.
    Doing what every man wish they possessed:
    six-figures as heart and a mansion as looking stupid.

    You announce downtown you are a work in progress,
    who is there to set goals and sell some product.
    To then re-up the next afternoon, with your tight clothes on,
    and canned lines women are too busy to Google.

    I know some of you lace your shit with chauvinism.
    Women are converted to a 10-point scale along a body count.
    From afar, it looks like park police should detain you,
    but for you, it is a challenge to open her arms back up,
    whether she's on the bench, or waiting on line for one of my poems.
    You are possibly a home wrecker, a bar room igniter,
    and at the very least a sore eye.

    Yet, women demand this product,
    Since men are so bad at making language colorful.
    The product is made up of rollercoaster emotion,
    hitting the pineal gland, and spreading out through the body,
    like a shower of fire. It dilates her eyes,
    causes her to wobble, taking a step
    forward, and demanding more over dinner.

    It’s just…are you proud of how you perform it?
    Would you tell what you do to your family over the dinner table?

  5. #35
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    The pewter man is a bit of an odd fellow, and his story is equally odd.

    Preserving that strangest is key. I'd review this for any grammatical or technical issues, think about the chain of circumstance and narrative logic. I feel like there might be a word or two missing, as in the following:

    "and he thinks too much it clogs his hearing."

    should that be

    "and {when} he thinks too much, it clogs his hearing."
    or
    "and {if} he thinks too much, it clogs his hearing."

    or something like that.

    This is just micro-editing. Look closely at each line.

    BrianIs AtYou
    Last edited by BrianIsSmilingAtYou; 01-14-2021 at 09:32 AM. Reason: fix formatting issues
    I think I think, therefore I might be.

  6. #36
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    Hi drumpf,

    I like this one - I read it as the narrator watching guys trying to win over girls with showy displays of money, possessions, cheap words. The narrator is frustrated watching their inauthentic advances and also frustrated that they seem to work, at least sometimes. I was wondering if the girl from the fourth floor was there - I hope she didn’t fall for one of these douches.

    I like the idea of these guys as drug dealers slanging oxytocin aka the love drug.

    One more!

    Steve

  7. #37
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    Hello drumpf,
    I like parts of this. I wonder if you could turn the boxing women into a scale of 1 to 10 based on looks into an image? For instance shoving them into literal boxes. Featherless Biped does something similar in a poem a few pages back in C&C. Maybe also introduce the gamers relationship (or lack of) with the women a little earlier, too.
    Hope this helps.

  8. #38
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    Hi drumpf,

    There's some strong images, ideas and writing in 'Day Gamers Downtown'. I'd have a think about cutting out some of the more 'narrative' aspects (like 'I know some of you' and 'Yet') to bring them to life a bit more?

    Sarah

  9. #39
    JoKingly is offline Spasmodic Hercules on cyclobenzaprine
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    The use of the second person isn't working for me here. Typically, I find the use of "you" to not work with forceful voice and topic, like you have here. It's tricky to have subject matter so encompassing to work with the second person without it being "one size fits none" or cliche.

    I googled RSD, and the first hit was "reflex sympathetic dystrophy." You probably meant something else? RSD seems to be affiliated with Washington State Park, but adding that to the query didn't help me either. This made S2 a bit hard to follow 100%.

    S4L5: This kind of meta-poetry often derails me the narrative.

    There are times where your syntax gets a bid cloudy: "selling oxytocin for...dick thrusting": might benefit from more parallel structure, for example. S3L3-4, Is the N too busy to google these women, or are these women to busy to "google" in general themselves? S6L2: Will N tell his family what he does over the dinner table, or will N tell the girl he's getting high with oxytocin over dinner from S5 what he does to his family?

    I too enjoy the concept of oxytocin as a drug. It's return in the climax, where the woman displays high-like symptoms tied it all nicely with a bow. Maybe consider expanding that into a conceit?

    Thank you for the enjoyable read. I'm sure the hazy bits will get clarified in revisions.

    Happy Sevens!

    Jo

  10. #40
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Thank you Brian, please give me all your micro edits. Thank you scraps, haha, no this girl is probably not down there. If she was, oh well. Thank you Cam, I'll go check the poem out. Thank you Scrow, I'll try to cut it out. Finally, thank you Jo, the reason you didnt get the right search is because you inputted "Washington State Park", which in should be "Washington Square Park". Funny enough, when I googled it, nothing came as well, which is good that rsd isn't that well known outside of manhattan. Also, thank you for your edits, I definitely will look into expanding on the drug idea.

  11. #41
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    2021

    When this upcoming year decides too many things,
    I have to practice following my breath,
    as a way to survive, like when they say an artist
    expresses or dies. For most of my life, I have lived in between,
    continuing to peak my curiosities. This year tells me breathe,
    and remember where you are most of the day.

    Sitting behind my desk, leaking my words away
    to the time-consuming worm hole that is Youtube,
    and being passively arrogant that my room won't cave.
    Or my parents won't get COVID the next day.

    Is there a story like the Bodhivista leaving his palace
    at age 29, for a millennial living in New York?

  12. #42
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    I fixed the formatting on my last comment. It had gotten screwed up somehow.

    There are lots of possible micro-edits. Usually, they have to do with simple errors like a missing word, or unclear grammar.

    ---

    I like the latest. The opening stanzas express a sense of longing and frustration with the world of COVID and modernity, but beyond that, the ending 2 lines are excellent.

    Is there a story like the Bodhivista leaving his palace
    at age 29, for a millennial living in New York?


    This is an idea of which I am jealous.

    I would keep looking for that Bodhisattva's story. (FYI "Bodhisattva" is the correct spelling.)

    The Buddha of Brooklyn
    The Bodhisattva of the Bronx
    The Madman of Manhattan
    The Quest-seeker of Queens
    The Saint of Staten Island


    It was great doing Sevens with you.

    BrianIs AtYou
    I think I think, therefore I might be.

  13. #43
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    Hi drumpf,

    I like how you end your Sevens at the beginning of a new year. This was touching - my favourite parts of this were:

    ‘For most of my life, I have lived in between’ and the slant rhyme of cave/Covid.

    I enjoyed reading your writing this Sevens!

    Steve

  14. #44
    Sorella is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    drumpf

    Your first:

    I know namby-pamby hip-hop better than rap in the wild, but this is so authentic-sounding, it nails the attitude and the issues in a perfect, real (!) voice. Excellent.

    I like the particulars in the throw-away remark of the ending best of all.

    Sorella

  15. #45
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Thank you Sorella. That is voice I will usher into more of my poems.

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