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Thread: Out From the Jalopy's Donut

  1. #91
    SP Singer is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Hello again, I like the far distance between the first and other lines. Also, because the poem leaves so many possibilities, I imagined the shepherd as a dog too.

    Thanks! sp
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  2. #92
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Cam - Yes, I am trying to steer away from metaphors. I am glad this suffices as a haiku.
    Scrow - One the edge. Great. I love that comment. And no, this is set in a fantasy world.
    Scraps - Haikus, I guess, eject from a to b. Idk. I'm workin' on haikus. lol
    Singer - Thank you for your words.

  3. #93
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    balloon in midtown
    jeans and breast
    shape into pigeons

  4. #94
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    Hiya drumpf,

    I like this one - I think because I get a pretty clear image - which for me is of the Thanksgiving Day parade - a huge inflatable float - women in the audience - pigeons.

    I did wonder if there was a better verb than 'shape'?

    Looking forward to the rest!

    Steve

  5. #95
    SP Singer is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    I like this 2nd one, or something from each line. I think I'd take out "in" from the first line, and all but pigeons from the last. Each line has it's own plumpness to hold. Thank You. sp
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  6. #96
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Scraps - Ha, what an interesting take. Never saw the parade.
    SP - Thank you, I'll cut some stuff.

  7. #97
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Olive Trees

    To our morning by the olive trees,
    a labor of kisses and doves.

    We found our seeds in New York City
    and watched their branches grow.

    Already in love with their height,
    and every summer they widen.

    Covering half our room--
    ready for fruit to share.

  8. #98
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    I wonder what this would be like if you developed it fully into the balladic stanza. It has the balladic feel to it already, like a just unscratched itch. I like its economy, which seems like a new strength for you.
    What is the work if it isn't a ticket to slip into vivid euphoria?

  9. #99
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    Hi, drumpf,

    "balloon in midtown" brought to mind the Macy's parade, of course (which I've only seen on television). I like how you draw the focus away from the balloon to the crowd (jeans and breast) and then to the avian observers. What must the pigeons think of those giants floating through their territory? "Shape" threw me a bit, it seemed out of place.

    "Olive Trees" - Funny, I never would have thought about olive trees growing in NYC. The olive tree is a symbol of peace and friendship, so this piece uses it effectively to compare it to the growth of the relationship. It could be taken a bit further, but not too much.

    Donna
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  10. #100
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    Hi drumpf,

    I like Olive Trees. It has a sense of time to it like the way lovers keep their own time just for themselves. I do think it is missing just a bit of connective tissue. But I like the voice a lot.

    Steve

  11. #101
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    Cam - Yeah, I gotta fix that last stanza.
    Donner - Man, second person to think it is a parade. Thank you for your take. And yeah, you could grow olive trees in a pot.
    Scraps - Yeah, I gotta fix the last stanza

  12. #102
    drumpf is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    A Day in the Greenwich Village

    What lies at the end of floral tracks
    are celebrities of the Whitney world.

    Coffee and cake to couture and cracks
    of a day that needs more cobblestone.

    NYU dreams as we enter a park
    of chess, jazz, and fountain.

    Taking pics under the arch
    and dying for artichoke.

  13. #103
    SP Singer is offline Fun and felicitous PFFA patron
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    I like the opening of generosity in every 2nd line, a spurt of growth itself. My fave couplet is 3, although #2 is a close runner-up because I like thinking of seeds as also having branches, the quick extension, like fast-forward video biology pieces, but a speed I can follow better. I like #3 because it has no ostentation whatsoever, it just is, and the 'widen' at the end of the 2nd line helps with that opening of generosity, almost like a breath, mentioned before.
    The closing couplet reminds me of my Grandma's apt. in Seattle with a huge avocado tree growing in the bedroom. They had to cut it down to get it out when she passed.
    The first S sounds inviting, but somehow makes me a little suspicious, not sure why, too sweet? Also something to do with "To our morning", a little unsure how to read. Thank You. sp

    Oops, behind.

    In the Greenwich Village poem I like the near rhyme with surprise sounds running through as well. Couplets 2 and 4 stand-out for their surprising 2nd lines, clarifying there is indeed somewhere else than a consuming Greenwhich Village. Thanks, good reminder.
    ​aluminum foil star fan

  14. #104
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    Balloon is pleasantly surreal - the contrast between the balloon torso and the pigeons - and the way my mind has to work hard to make logical sense of the picture presented works for me (it’s worth the effort). It might be nice to have more specifics - a colour perhaps, although I recognise that extraneous words are something to avoid in this form.


    I love the description of olive trees as a ‘labor of kisses and doves’ in ‘Olive Trees’ - that could be a short poem by itself.


    ‘A Day in the Greenwich Village’ is my favourite of yours this month, I think. I particularly like S2, and the ending is pleasantly peculiar, making the poem more than a simple descriptive/reflective picture.


    Sarah

  15. #105
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    Greenwich Village has an interesting framework balanced between the comic and the satirical and the oddly pastoral. The urban pastoral is interesting, I would like to see you rewrite Spenser in new york. Arch to artichokes is a lovely verbal move, an idea driven by sound. Do more of that!
    What is the work if it isn't a ticket to slip into vivid euphoria?

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