Semiprofligate's April attempt to banish 'semi' (first NaPoMo)

[SP Singer]

Hey Not-Semi,

I think i've missed a couple but for now, this last of yours is a quite something not-semi portrait for sure. I was trying to count off verses to list here as favorites but then it was just too many.
just to pick one stand-out: past full-bellied monkeys tailoring branches due by nightfall. And i love the first line for showing your signature connection making between, for example here: the will of the evening and bending acacias.
I loved the lack of tension, the distance and careful intimacy of N. It was as if there was ample time to be present for this fascinating walk.
I wish i was there, feels almost as if i have been now.
Thanks so much,
SP woo-hoo we're almost 2/3rds there and i think i've ridden and disembarked from the first mega-camel hump! You?

[Cameron Clark]

There are some moments of true beauty in this description, not least the Jesus Birds, which have a wonderful name. The final line also glows like a star, hanging from the poem.
In revision you might consider movement and progression, where the poem is going.

[Donner]

Hi, Semi,

"The Ides of Spring (revision)" - You're making good use of your NaPo experience, working on revisions. I think you've much improved the opening and the poem overall, including the format. (Original here, because I'm helpful. : ) Reading made me want to get out and plant my garden, except if I did that now, I'd have to start all over in May; way too cold. Except for asparagus and beets and other cooler weather hardies. It also made me never want to run into an axe-shaped (hammerhead) worm.

Donna

[HowardM2]

I'm running behind and late as usual, so I've had to skip around a bit; I'll try to get back to look at these and others
in more detail later.

"Lavender" -- I quite like the voice of lavender here, speaking for itself and demonstrating
its own fierce determination.

"Another Dream" -- Interesting idea of trying to extend control over the world of the dream.
I absolutely love the line "objects left there as facts."

"Undone" -- Interestingly, another piece about having control over events, it seems, or, in this
case, lacking it.

"After rain, looking . . ." -- (Petrichor -- Shades of Doctor Who.) Good images and
interesting figures of speech (e. g., "rain laces the shoes of the earth"). I can't quite see
a reason for the two central 3-line strophes, but I figure I'm missing something as it's
getting late here.

"A grape-skin moon" -- Overall I like it, but one little thing nags at me: "slivers"
has always seemed one of those words folks who want to be poets rely on; frankly, "splinters"
seems less so and more effective; but that's me, of course. And it like the piece.

"A grape-skin moon over Lagos Lagoon" -- Oh, okay. I'm gonna have to mull over this one.

"The Ides of Spring" -- Nice imagery and language, and I like the details. I'm not familiar with the unrevised version,
so I can't really say anything about that.

[semiprofligate]

You, a code I sleep less and less
trying to crack, already half broken
by other thieves who next to you,
like this, and smashed what you would not
allow anyone to steal. So you lay under me
now and think, when will he take his turn?

I stand over you like a thief, though not
to break the unopened half. No,
I am not a key, or something to wake for
in the night. It is enough to wait here
for you to open, haphazard at first,
as unpracticed at taking turns as I am.

But if poise has any meaning,
if I can stand long enough next to you
to be trusted to stay,
through that long patience some might call
affection, perhaps that moment
will not demand wits, or a crowbar,
or even words.

[BrianIsSmilingAtYou]

I really have to come back and read through more. For some reason, you've been falling through the cracks of my reading.

With the latest, the first stanza seems a little like stream of consciousness. The idea gets across a little more clearly in S2 and S3.

I like "if poise has any meaning."

Keep writing.

BrianIs AtYou

[semiprofligate]

In this version of December
the horizon presses open a page
of cold stars, while trees staple winter to its master.

Below these cold gods we brush by reeds
lit for us like acolytes in moonlight coats.

We crack arcs in the glass mud,
yet still the earth clings to our sore boots
and shoos away the arguments of dark leaves.

Then everything rustles for the heels
of our shadows: webs turn on twigs,
wings click at our gray breath,
frogs fill their mouths full with night.

Only when the earth warms
will we grasp what the cold gods think of us
here: insignificant creatures of pressure
on their turning world.

[semiprofligate]

You, a code I sleep less and less
learning to crack, lie next to me,

already half broken by thieves
who smashed what they could not see to steal.

So you lay next to me and wonder,
when will he take his turn?

I turn to you like a thief, though not
to break your unopened half.

No, I am not a key, or something
to lie awake for in the night.

But if poise has any meaning,
if I could lay long enough next to you
to be trusted to stay

through that long patience some might call
affection, or a word I cannot bring myself to say,

perhaps when that moment comes,
when I decipher you, like a code,

you will demand nothing of me in return.
Not wits, or a crowbar, or even words.

[Janelo]

Hi Semi,

Glad you're back

Thank you for the word petrichor, that's new to me and I'm thrilled to know there's a word for one of my favorite scents. There are several smells happening here and while I don't entirely follow what's happening you are gathering strong images colors and sensations into this scene.

Amboseli captures a panoramic moment of this landscape and wildlife as well.

I like how the revision of Learning to Stay is coming. The code is a good framework here, the syntax is a little awkward in the first line, but I get it that your N is not sleeping because they are trying to crack the code.

December Fantastic line in December: frogs fill their mouths full with night

Nice work, keep coming back!

Jane

[larryrap]

Hi,

There's a lot of remarkable work here, a very spiritual voice suffused in landscapes or the other way around. There's a huge amount of quote-worthy lines - I'll try to pick some next visit.

I find it easier to take in the second version of Learning to Stay (I could swear you called the first version "Learning to Code" but that turned out to be my imagination). I know I wouldn't be able to leave a single 3-line strophe when it's all couplets, so perhaps a bit more messing around with strophe length is called for.

I wonder if a poem of atmosphere like "The Ides of Spring" or a few others wouldn't leap to another level if it was married to a relationship poem like "Learning to Stay" - or just in general, the thought that it could be good to personalize some of these more directly (while keeping all the excellent birds-eye view).

[SP Singer]

Hello again and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, almost there!

Honestly i'm not sure i'll be happy...

Learning How to Stay is alluring, a theme that resonates widely.

I like the leaner revision but do wish there was a way to work back in the part about N being unpracticed at taking turns....also the detail of N being on top of her at one point drives toward the reality of pain in the beloved.
This is a fave though, absolutely.

Thanks so much,
SP

[semiprofligate]

Ask this jutted jaw and tell-tale skin
(pasty but not quite white enough for you)

‘where are you from’, again,
and, for you, I will imagine

a long-lost aunt or absent sister
bringing me - this - home.

Pity our largest organ. There are others.
With the lights clicked off its eyes

cannot scan for skin, so we appear to each other
at the same time, or not at all.

Head down in water, as I was,
our skin would slick the same,

and (I promise you) neither of us could gurgle
an answer to ‘where are you from’.

Stretched clean to tearing point
our heads would tear over scuffed black shoes,
like mine.

But into my childrens’ skins I have marked
signposts for your largest organ.

Lucky for me, there are others.

[semiprofligate]

Perspective

From the plane’s window,
an edge. Where rolled ground

squares to glass, each fenced patch
shadowed by the conveyer belt
of cloud light between us.

Below us, a bushel of birds
spilled onto the field
reminds each tangent line of its duty,

while under bird-pecked fields,
the earth, already forgetting.

Behind the edge there is another,
and another. Each side of that tangent line

imprisoned, though neither sees
they are the one inside.

[​just some random lines to play with later...]

[SP Singer]

Hello again, so so close now, early congratulations!

In Ask Me Again i like "our skins would slick the same" and the jutting jaw of the opening. The overall theme of seeing beyond skin/veiled racism never gets the least old unfortunately.

In Perspective i liked that i was never sure if the plane was on the ground or in the air. S2,3 and 4 caught me most.

Best of the rest,
SP

[Sorella]

Semi, now Fully soon,
This latest is terrific! Not just lines, perceptive wise lines. Do play with them but it's already a great poem. Sorry to be so remiss about fluffing -- not having the same energy this year.