Grief is a Crazy Thing

Things I have learned in the last 2 weeks...
- Try to enjoy each day because you never know when life will come crashing down ~ I didn't fully enjoy the pregnancy with our 4th living child. After having a 14 week miscarriage I was so worried until I had her in my arms. I swore to myself that if we were able to get pregnant again that I would enjoy every part ~ the good, the bad, the ugly. I did a much better job and would tell myself my when I was in bed awful sick that this was my last time so breath and be thankful. When I felt Nathaniel kick for the first time it was such an amazing experience. I loved every second. Some say it would be more difficult if I had lost him at further along. All I know is I would give anything to have one more week to feel him move.

When they induced me I had mixed emotions. I knew that is what had to be done but that would mean he would be really gone. Delivering a sleeping baby is heartbreaking but the love I had for him was unexplainable. Holding him was the first and last time to get to see my son.

When we got pregnant our entire life changed. The future completely changed. We made goals, hopes and dreams. That future is forever shattered. I see my kids and it hurts to think my son, Nathaniel will never laugh and play with his siblings. Some say that we have 4 living children and we should be grateful for them. I have not been more grateful for my kids then now. I heard an analogy I like. When someone loses a mother you don't say well at least you have your father. It hurts like hell to loose someone even though we have had the most amazing friends and family supporting us.

Grief is a crazy thing. It hurts to see pregnant women & newborn babies. It reminds me so painfully of everything I have lost and will never have again. I have great friends and I wish, hope, and pray that everything will go perfectly because loosing a baby is something I wish no parent ever had to go through.

It has been heartbreaking for my kids. In some ways they are able to separate themselves from the grief and act just like kids. Then the other times when they are afraid to go to sleep because they might die in their sleep. Explaining that I'm not going to die. The most difficult question is "why did he have to die?" and not having any good answer other then "we don't know why he had to die. Sometimes babies die but we don't know why or some souls are to pure, to special that they are needed up in heaven.

Enjoying the Nice Weather

 The kids have been bugging Casey to set up the trampoline. Today was the day. It was such a beautiful day.

 Faith loving on Sandy. She is such a ham & just loves her so much. She has gotten so old but is AWESOME with the kids. The hard part is reminding them that they can't be so physical with her.

 Seraphina was having a good time getting to know Sandy. She as always was such a good dog & didn't mind the ear pulling.

 Love playing in the little playhouse. Now that she has been outside anytime the older kids go out she wants to join them.

She keeps eating dirt & sand. Seriously kid, stop. It doesn't seem to bother her at all except at diaper changes..... ehhhh.

Marshall Kindergarten Graduation

 Marshall was chosen to be the flag bearer for the kindergarten. He said he was chosen because he has a loud voice. He is such an awesome kid. He is reading so well now. Every night I come in and find him reading something else. It is so fun to see the growth. He ended the year in the top reading level for his grade. Such a smartie. His favorite subject is sharks & can tell you pretty much any information you would like to know. He said he wanted to be a scuba diver so he could understand all the fish under the sea.

 Leading the pledge of allegiance. 

 His teacher Ms. Bugas is amazing. It is her first year teaching and she is just wonderful. She really loves the kids and they love her. I am so glad to have wonderful teachers for my kids to learn from.

 Turning their tassel

 Casey was watching the little kids so I could take pictures at the front of the room. He had gotten up from his seat to hold the baby at the side. Marshall couldn't see him and was looking for him. This is the moment that he found him. He just loves his dad so much!

 My cute little graduate!

Marshall & his awesome teacher, Ms. Bugas.

Pizza & Watermelon Dinner

 After getting home from a long weekend of camping we did Digornio & watermelon. Gotta love you!

Playing Wii With Daddy

 We got a 4 Wheeling game for the Wii for Christmas. Casey was having fun playing it but Seraphina didn't want to be left out. So she got her own wheel & remote & was a happy camper.

Christmas Day

 There is nothing better then the exciting morning of Christmas. They kids loved all their presents. We had our traditional Monkey Bread. So good!

 Playing with the empty wrapping rolls

I love his face in the photo.

Christmas Eve

 We were so lucky to have Grandpa Spencer & Grandma Mary Ann be able to come for Christmas this year. The kids just love them so much & we always have a good time. They are so sweet & always watch the kids for a night so we can get a well needed date night while they are in town. We did our traditional Christmas Eve acting out of the nativity. This year Seraphina was baby Jesus (not a happy participant) so Baby Caroline stepped in to take her place. Paris was an angel. Marshall was a sheep (he said the sheep was asleep). Grandma played the piano. Grandpa Spencer was the narrator. Daddy was the Joseph & Faith was Mary. Mom was a shepherd & wise man.

Baby Jesus was still in Mary's tummy since he hadn't been born yet.

 Not exactly thrilled to be involved.

 Our beautiful angel... Paris Angeline...

 For the last night of the 12 days of Christmas all the kids got matching Pajamas & snowmen.

 The whole family Christmas Eve after a yummy dinner. Ham, cheesy potatoes, rolls, cranberry sauce & pumpkin pies.

 Seraphina's 1st Christmas!!

 These are for eating, right?