you're going to break my heart

Someday, sweet boy of mine, you're going to break my heart. Right now, although a divine combination of amazing and exhausting, you need me. You need me a lot. You depend on me for comfort, for help falling asleep, and for my milk.

But I can see it...

I can see that you're trying to grow up and have some independence. I can see that you're starting to really bond and have the time of your life with your daddy. Sometimes you choose him over me and I love that. I love to watch you two together. Someone once told me that there was nothing better than having a child with the man you love. All of a sudden, there is a new, smaller version of him that the two of you made together, out of love. She was right, it's amazing. Most days I feel I could just explode with love.

But I can see it...

There will come a day when you no longer need me this way. And then you'll start to pull away and before I know it, the days where I embarrass you and you no longer allow me to kiss you in public will be upon us.

I love watching you grow and I celebrate every milestone. I'm not resisting your growing up, my love, I promise. I'm just preparing myself.

See, no one ever told me how completely consuming motherhood can be. How easy it is to neglect your own needs and to lose your identity.

No one ever told me that you have to just let go, that having control is a thing of the past.

No one ever told me that perhaps the secret is to embrace the chaos, instead of fighting it.

No one ever told me just how wonderful it is to watch your child discover and experience the world.

No one ever told me how beautiful and painful it is to love someone so fiercely.

No one ever told me that motherhood would be the hardest and the best thing I've ever done

No one ever told me that you'd break my heart.

Go easy on me, little one. This is my first time.

beach days

We had an amazing time on our annual trip to Chincoteague Island a few weeks back. It was so nice to spend time with good friends. Some days were really warm, others cool and breezy, but overall it was perfect. We love this place because it's not commercialized and we enjoy going at the end of the season when things are quieter. It's a small little island town and the folks are always really friendly. The beach is a wildlife refuge with all kinds of wildlife to see, including wild ponies. It's close enough to Ocean City that we can get a taste of the boardwalk scene if we want to.

The little one had a blast and was such an easygoing traveler. I was seriously impressed. He's definitely a beach person and I loved how this year, he was independent enough that he just went off and explored the beach on his own. Watching him run around in the sand, happy as can be, made my heart swell.

When I say this trip was much needed...well, you really have no idea.

True happiness.

First time 'floating' by himself.

we are here. . .

. . .on Chincoteague Island. Living, loving and laughing with friends. Much needed.

a day in the life

the weekend

We had the perfect weekend. County Fair with friends and Deep Creek Lake with family. Beautiful weather, good times and great company. We even rode a camel!

Nothing like a good tractor pull.

the garden

Feeling a little bummed that our tomatoes have succumbed to late blight. Boo. Not all of them are affected though, and we're still getting a good amount. The rest of the garden is in great shape and I'm taking lots of notes for next year. I've learned a lot of important lessons about spacing. Especially with squash and all things viney.

Right now we're picking tons of squash and zucchini, hot peppers, cucumbers, kale, chard, tomatoes, carrots, melons, beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lettuce, beets, onions, turnips and lots of fresh herbs. We're pickling and canning all of our excess cucumbers, beans and hot peppers. Lots of pickles!

This garden of ours is keeping our bellies full and keeping us busy! We're so grateful.

this moment

We set out for the garden to see what needs to be done. I weed and harvest a few things while you entertain yourself. You make your rounds. First you check to see if there are any ripe tomatoes, even a few unripe ones will do. You don't really eat these, but you sure enjoy playing with them. I ask you to please not pick the green ones and try to give them a chance to ripen, but I take a deep breath and realize that we have plenty. Next, you grab a handful of broccoli and start munching. Then, you stumble upon a surprise, a second coming of raspberries. Just a few, but a miracle in your world nonetheless.

You love to dig in the dirt and search for worms. I periodically pop my head up to see where you are, ever thankful of the fence keeping you in the garden. Are you eating something you shouldn't? Have you discovered the hot peppers? Are you torturing a millipede (your favorite)? I hand you a sugar snap pea as you pass by and you happily snatch it up and start crunching.

After our work is done, we find ourselves in the blueberry patch. You know the drill. You lift the bird netting and slip underneath. You have scores of blueberries right at eye level and you dig in. I move about the bushes, filling a carton. I slip under the netting and sit with you while we both keep picking. Mine go in the box and yours go in your mouth.

Our eyes meet and you sign that you want milk. There we sit, nursing, hidden amongst the blueberry bushes. Just the two of us. I stare at your sweet berry-stained face and remember the days, not so long ago, when I couldn't even leave you to go to the bathroom or take a shower. I notice how big you are, how your long body is quickly outgrowing my lap. I kiss your sweet smelling head and hope that no matter how big you are, you'll always let your mama kiss your head.

I lift my head up, face to the sun, and I'm so grateful. For you, for this moment, this sunshine, these blueberries, this life.