Frank Ferri

The President of Banana Republic Addresses the Marketing Employee Who Mistakenly Sent Out a $15 Gift Card You know what you did when you decided to send out a free fifteen bucks to her? You positively reinforced that cheap-ass behavior. By sending that card to her, you said that Banana Republic is O.K. with getting walked all over by customers like Vicky Fucking Sweeney.

Foreign Affairs Gets in on the Gossip Scene FRANCIS FUKUYAMA was seen at Charlie Palmer Steak discussing waterboarding over what looked to be a medium-rare rib eye.

John Irving Clarifies the DTV Transition Before killing himself, the talking bear mauls Tom Wolfe to death leaving the ersatz novelist's white suit bloodied and tattered.

The Many Permutations of Public-Radio Pledge Drives What's the matter? You don't have time for WBCD anymore? I see the way you go traipsing around with that easy-listening station.

The Coach of the Washington Generals Addresses His Team Before a Game We simply don't get enough timeouts to take one every time they stick a ball up the back of one of our jerseys.

Playoff Scenarios If the Eagles beat the Cowboys and the Buccaneers lose to the Raiders and the Bears lose to the Texans, or the Vikings lose to the Giants, then Philadelphia is in.

Innovative Marriage Proposals Alternative Suggestions for Popping the Question.

Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues The Top Docs Issue. He's not like a doctor doctor, but Hubie will make you feel all right, all the time.

New Rules for the N.B.A. Half-Court Challenge Sink this baby, and you're a millionaire!

Nowhere Is My Paranoia More Evident Than in My E-Mail Confidentiality Notice If you have received this e-mail in error, please follow these 25 easy steps.

What a Deal or No Deal Model Is Thinking "Don't blow it. Do not blow this!"

In Which a Newspaper Addresses Some Problems with Its Restaurant Critic Frankly speaking, the pieces lack culinary insight, are laden with obscene--often belligerent--language, and frequently fail to mention a restaurant or food.

Notes My Mom Put in My Lunchbox Here's the note you wanted me to write so you don't feel left out because your friends' moms are all putting notes in their kids' lunches. Some mommies work.

Hockey Terms: The Essential Guide to One of the Top 50 Most Popular Sports in America Two-line pass: Don't know. Icing: Couldn't tell you. Hat Trick: Heard of it. Line Change: Not sure. Neutral Zone: Who cares.

More Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men Benny Basic Cable, Airbags Malloy, Barry A'Tricks, Serotonin-Sucking Sal, and Angelo The Milkman.

Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men Vinnie the Exfoliator, Paper Cuts Ralphie, Cinnabon Louie, and Dominic the Dactyl Displacer.

More iPhone Commercials More man-on-the-street testimonials from iPhone users in front of black felt.

Maybe I'm Taking This Whole "Who Are You" Shtick a Little Too Far Geez, did you fold that shopping list enough times? Who are you, Tomoko Fuse, author of Unit Origami: Multidimensional Transformations?

Items Edited Out of Cooking Shows Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I've ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise ...

Prominent Organizations Whose Missions Would Change Drastically with the Addition of a Single Word

Kim Kardashian and Ray J Sex Tape Transcript: Spoiler Warning Ray: How about a little Sudoku? Got Will Shortz's new book. Shit's hard ...