Some friends and I have been talking about our relationship histories. Some people get married to their first boyfriends, whereas some go through so many relationships before they settle down, whereas some more are on and off with the same person so many times before they settle down with that same person. I remember one friend used to tell me years ago that she was actually wishing to have experienced a few relationships with different guys before she settled down. However, she ended up marrying her first boyfriend he he he...
Speaking of broken hearts, sometimes you break up with someone and you don't feel a thing anymore 'coz your heart is already cold towards that person. That means that in that case, you're breaking the other person's heart. Sometimes you both break up when there's no love anymore and that means no heart is probably broken (the only broken thing is the relationship). Sometimes during the break up, both parties experienced heartbreak.
When I was younger, I used to be attracted to the polar opposite of myself. Usually they were the boys that were active at school or some kind of organization (church or whatever) and they'd be funny and they would have tons of friends. Basically speaking, my melancholic side was attracted to the sanguine type of boys. I knew that meant that there would be a huge gap between the both of us and that it'd probably be hard for me to catch up with those types of boys if I should have a chance to be their girlfriend. Anyway, I had my share of crushes in the past but then none of them became my boyfriend. But you know what? I ended up marrying someone who was more similar to me than my polar opposite he he...
* FYI, I'm mostly melancholic with a little phlegmatic on the side. My phlegmatic side has grown since I've married R2. R2 is more phlegmatic with a little bit of melancholic on the side.
One close friend commented that the important thing about a break-up is closure. If one party feels that the reason for the break-up is not clear, then it's harder for that person to move on after experiencing a broken heart. I agree with her. I've known at least two people who had a hard time to move on after their relationship break-ups 'coz of this.
How about you? Do you think closure is important in a break-up? Do you feel it's important to know the reason of the break-up in order to move on? If you're in a relationship/is married, did you end up choosing your polar opposite or someone who has more similarities with you?
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The other day I was talking to my closest friends via email about different topics and one topic brought up this memory somewhere in the dark corner of my brain. Being a melancholic/phlegmatic, I never craved for the spotlight. I don't like being in a spotlight. I prefer working in the background, never to be seen or heard (that doesn't mean I don't need recognition or acknowledgment for my achievements, though). That's also one reason why I doubted myself when I first started working at the store 'coz I wondered if I'd enjoy being face-to-face with customers.
When I was very young, I was so sensitive inwards and if I made the smallest mistakes ever, I would scold myself over and over and over. If the mistake was big (at least in my eyes), it could take even days before I finally let go (yep, I'm my own worst critic). Along the road, as my self-confidence grew, I learnt to be more lenient towards myself and lower my expectations, but I only started learning to laugh at my own mistakes AFTER I moved to Finland (yep, it took me 28 years!). Having R2 as a hubby and MIL helped A LOT in learning to be more lenient towards myself. They never criticize me no matter how silly my mistakes are.
Anyhow, back to the dark corner in my brain. I think when I was very young, I once performed in front of a group of people (I think it had to do with dancing) and they laughed at me. I don't remember the incident, but ever since then I've been so worried about performing in front of people and I've always admired people who can perform in front of people without looking so anxious. And ever since then I've always had this idea that I'm such a bad dancer and that my body can't correspond to music and rhythm very well.
Back in elementary school, I hated it when we had to sing in front of the classroom. If I had to sing with some other students, it felt MUCH better, but if I had to sing alone? Ugh ugh...and UGH. I remember clearly the first time at the uni (during writing lesson) when my lecturer gave us a topic to write and then she gave us a few minutes to think about what to write and all of a sudden she asked me to come forward and tell the class what I was going to write (without reading what I had jotted down on paper). I remember that I was very calm at that time, which was such a HUGE surprise to me. I think of that moment as a point of progress in my life.
One of my closest friends, who's a natural when it comes to performing in front of people (she's even led a meeting in front of hundreds of people), was amazed when she realizes that other people may have problems in this area, 'coz she's never had the same problem her entire life.
It's interesting to me to be able to talk about this stuff with my friends 'coz then we get to know each other better - and hopefully then we get to understand other people better that way.
I have to write this prequel before I start writing about my Dad and I. Have you ever read Personality Tree by Florence Littauer? My friends and I read it while we were at the uni and the book's helped us A LOT in understanding ourselves and one another.
Basically there are four main personality types:
1. Choleric.
They're basically born leaders. They know what they want and they're not afraid in being assertive. They may be seen as "bossy" people. They love being in control and they get a lot of things accomplished. They are goal-oriented and they love challenges.
2. Sanguine.
They're the life of the party. They LOVE being in the spotlight and they crave for attention and praise more than others. They're fun, bubbly, and they have lots of friends. However, their attention span is usually short, so they're not really focused people. They're those people who forget where they put their keys or even their cars.
3. Melancholy.
They're the deep thinkers and they have a great memory in remembering details. They thrive on details. Since they have a great memory, they tend to hold grudges. They're sensitive and they love planning ahead of time. They're organized and they love routine. They can also be perfectionists in some areas in their lives. If you see someone organizing their books in alphabetical order, then he or she is a melancholy.
4. Phlegmatic.
They're peace lovers. They are low-key types of people. They might seem lazy as they aren't ambitious like cholerics. They are easygoing, patient, and calm. They're good listeners and they avoid conflicts. However, they are unenthusiastic and they lack discipline. They're also shy and reticent.
However, there can be combinations of two personalities with different percentages:
1. Sanguine/Choleric.
2. Melancholy/Phlegmatic.
3. Choleric/Melancholy.
4. Sanguine/Phlegmatic.
I belong to the Melancholy/Phlegmatic combination. My Melancholy percentage is 80%, whereas my Phlegmatic percentage is 20%. My husband has never taken the test, but I'm pretty sure that he's also a Melancholy/Phlegmatic though his Phlegmatic percentage is way bigger than his Melancholy percentage.
If you read my earlier post entitled My Brother and I, you can now guess which personality traits he has since he's the opposite of me. He's a Sanguine/Phlegmatic with a bigger percentage of Sanguine than Phlegmatic. Sanguine people are charmers he he he he he...
My mother, on the other hand, is a Sanguine/Choleric. She's a charmer and when she wants to do something, she'll be SO determined in doing it until it's done (if possible without too much rest). Usually Phlegmatics would feel somewhat uncomfortably pressured by Cholerics since Cholerics would want to push the "unenthusiastic" Phlegmatics who love to do things on their own pace and time (i.e. leisurely).
If you want to know which group you belong to, go here and take the test:
In the same site there're also a better description of each personality trait's weaknesses and strengths.
If you can, it'd be MUCH better for you to read the book since there are other explanations which I can't possibly write down here.
Basically speaking, you can't be a combination of Sanguine/Melancholy or Choleric/Phlegmatic since they are in contrast with one another. However, I know some people who were born Sanguine who were taught to be Melancholy, thus they may show some Melancholy sides due to the upbringing, as well.
Funnily enough, usually opposite attracts and that's how problems arise. A Choleric who marries a Phlegmatic may at first feel peaceful since the Phlegmatic has no huge ambitions. However, over time the Choleric might get irritated since the Phlegmatic isn't enthusiastic about most things. Thus the Choleric would try to push the Phlegmatic, yet the stubborn Phlegmatic would refuse to be pushed.
A Sanguine who marries a Melancholy might feel awed that the Melancholy is so deep and analytical at first. But then the Sanguine might be driven crazy by the Melancholy's love for planning way ahead of time. A Sanguine doesn't like to be tied down with plans. A Sanguine loves spontaneity and sometimes the happy-go-lucky Sanguine might hurt the Melancholy who's basically sensitive.
Problems arise if you don't know who you're dealing with and how you have to deal with them. That's why I think the book's GREAT. ;-D
One more link. I found a table comparing Kierseyan Temperament with this Personality Tree types.
Go here to see the table. It's located almost at the bottom of the page.
HEY!!! I just found this WONDERFUL site, as well...I think it explains this thing better than I do he he he...Go here:
Just wanna write about me. Ever since the "incident" with my group of closest friends, I'm still trying to find ways to balance my life. Right after I wrote "Rest in Peace", thoughts and emotions barraged me.
I'm a melancholic and phlegmatic. The last test I took (based on Personality Tree by Florence Littauer) told me that I'm 80% melancholic and 20% phlegmatic. Maybe the percentage's changed now, but my core is still melancholic. My primary love language is quality time (The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman). So, what does that make me? An intense person. In my group of closest friends, I think I'm the only one who has the biggest percentage of melancholicness. The rest of them are mostly Sanguine/Choleric or Phlegmatic. Thus, I think compared to them, I'm still the most intense person.
Here's an excerpt from Florence Littauer:
God could have made us all Sanguines. We could have lots of fun but accomplish little. He could have made us all Melancholies. We would have been organized and charted but not very cheerful. He could have made us all Cholerics. We would have been set to lead, but impatient that no one would follow! He could have made us all Phlegmatics. We would have had a peaceful world but not much enthusiasm for life. We need each temperament for the total function of the body. Each part should do its work to unify the action and produce harmonious results. -Florence Littauer in The Gift of Encouraging Words
I've had a few issues in the past with some of the girls in my group of closest friends, mainly because I over-analyze and over-assuming. But hey, the bottom line is that you can't have a close-knit group of GIRLS without expecting trouble every now and then, right? Basically GLADLY we've always been able to sort them out. I think one of them once said that I was an extreme person. If I think of something, I have to think of the worst case scenario, as well. And I have to think of it from as many angles as I can possibly think about.
Maybe you can also say that I'm mentally masochistic. Even though the "incident" made me experience the most intense battles in my brain, I kinda enjoy it. One of the reasons why I enjoy it is because it's all about me. I'm the one who has to rediscover me and it doesn't involve anyone else (for example the problem is not about our dying parents or such things where we're helpless). The problem is me and thus I can do something about it. Other than that, obviously I KNOW I'd reach another level when I've conquered this problem later (just like playing computer games, you have to beat the "enemies" in level 1 before you can go to level 2, and you'll gain more strength from beating all the enemies, and so on...).
I've known since I was young that I could possibly keep score cards due to my nature. Why? Simply because I can remember things chronologically better than Sanguines, for example, especially when it comes to things I consider important. And since my primary love language is quality time, I got hurt when I realized that I couldn't get enough quality time with them as they were far busier than me (my love tank kept on running low, thus it got easier and easier for me to keep the score cards and thus it made me feel bitchy and needy). I know it's unfair to keep score cards, but now I just want to talk about facts about myself from my own point of view. I wish I could remember less, but that's not possible. But I am trying to throw away the score cards and I'm trying to revise my expectations. As one friend keeps on telling me, there're always two sides of the coin. Your strength can be your weakness and vice versa.
I used to be so cynical. In fact, one friend once wrote me, "Keep sharing your funny cynical side!" on a card. I think I've grown out of the cynicism, yet it's still my latent enemy. When things go rough, cynicism will show its ugly head, body, and tail and mock me full force and try to merge with me again. But I will NEVER let it win. :-)))
I don't know yet the answers that I'm trying to find. I don't know yet how my friendship with them would be like later and how I'm going to find the balance. Right now I've told them that I'm taking a break to meditate, to find my way back to me. Flexibility has never been my forte. I thrive on stability (the very thing that people might consider boring). I dislike changes, even though I know changes are inevitable. I don't try to stop changes to come, but I know it's going to take time for me to adjust myself.
I guess what hurt me about the fact that my friends now prefer verbal exchange rather than written exchange is the fact that I'm not financially able to call them or meet them face-to-face as often as I want to. I thrive on knowing people intimately. I've always yearned to be able to read people's minds (not all the time, just when I think it'd be beneficial for us both - either to help me understand them better or respond to them better). But what I didn't count was that people change. Situations change. What hurt me the most was probably the fact that I needed my friends more than they needed me now. Now I have to learn to be content with my being. After all, my Mom keeps on saying, "We all start the journey alone, then we meet a companion, then the companion dies or we die first, thus we end the journey alone as well." Of course friends come and go in between the phases of life, but basically I just need to learn to be content BEING, without attaching my identity to anyone or anything else.
At first I wasn't planning on telling my husband about the "incident" as I knew I'd cry in front of him. But anyway, two nights ago he knew there was something on my mind, so finally I told him what had happened. He then checked up on me the next day by dropping by (even though he had said earlier that he wouldn't come home for lunch). Bless his heart!!!
Still a LONG way to go to climb this mountain...but I know I'm not alone. :-)))) And as a wise friend once said, "You might feel like a coal now because you're covered by dirt and grime, but you're still a diamond within."
I'm welcoming this journey to wipe away the dirt and grime once more.
P.S. Funny thing just happened. I had this image of my husband coming home during lunch break, bringing me a package from a Finnish online store (I bought a summer jacket and a bigger bag). And guess what? He did come home earlier just to drop it by and he said he just wanted to check up on me again. I told him that I KNEW somehow that he'd be bringing me that package today. He just smiled and said, "Really?" :-))))
