This month I have observed marriages both begin and end. It has made me ponder what I really believe in. What makes a marriage work and why. And the answers to all of that can be found in this document. If you truly live by these principles-you will be happy in all your relationships.

The Family

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A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

It Worked for Them

There are lots of words of wisdom about marriage out there. But when someone has been married (happily, joyfully) for 50 years, it seems wise to listen to what they have to say. So here is one of their secrets. I, for one, will be paying attention...

Marriage Contract

Dee & DeAnna Packer

I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Heart Sick Marriage

Amy,
My 24 year old nephew is engaged. There are just so many issues with this engagement, I feel like I am watching the train run off the bridge and don't know how to stop it. They currently live with his parents and most importantly neither has lived on their own. (They have never paid rent, gas and electric- nothing!) The fiance suffers from manic depression and has been hospitalized twice during the last year. I see my sister constantly buffering between the two when times get stressed between the couple. If my nephew is playing a game or talking to a friend and not paying attention to the fiance, she will say, "I'm mad at you" and storm away. He immediately rushes to her side. He does not even walk into the other room unless she is right next to him.
I finally went to speak to my sister. I stated my feelings in the most gentle way, I told her that at the least they should not get married until they have lived on their own -and have her son deal with the mental health issues on his own. I told her what I had observed and my fear that they are both unaware of what they will be dealing because my sister is always there to intervene when the fiance gets sick or just starts pouting over not getting attention. Yet, they are still rushing to get married in September. My husband and I are just sick over this, what can we do? My husband has a talked to my brother in law, also. Do I just accept this or what? I am just so heart sick over this.

Dear Heart Sick,

I don't blame you. I agree that this marriage is heading toward dangerous waters. There are definitely several warning signs and red flags.

Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do about it. I'm glad that you have lovingly addressed your concerns to your sister. What was her reaction? If she handled it well, could you push a little further? I don't think it's wise to "break up" the couple or end the marriage, but I agree that postponing it, or at least getting them to live on their own would be a great step. Lots of young, naive kids get married without knowing what rent is, and they can usually work it out. But the manic depression is a worry. Those things usually escalate in marriage and would require professional help.

As an aunt, or parent it's hard to know how much to help children. I'm all for parents "helping" their adult children-but not to the point that they become a crutch! There is a scary trend these days of "our generation" (yes, I'm young and naive too) not knowing how to work, keep a job, live on their own, or to work through things without giving up. We feel a sense of entitlement to everything without working for it. I don't know how this happened but I think it's a shame. I think it sure would be tough to watch your child suffer through situations though. It would be hard not to help.

Beyond expressing your concern, and going to the nephew yourself, I'm afraid my expertise doesn't extend much further. As far as accepting it, I don't think you need to right now. But the day that they say I do officially is when it probably is time to keep your opinions to yourself and love your family. This doesn't mean that you have to pretend every thing's okay, but it's past the time to try to change things that have already happened. It would be wise at that point to help and support your nephew into having a good marriage. Hopefully that makes sense. I'm not trying to tell you to have a blind eye or to accept abnormal behavior. But now is the time to express your opinions most strongly. But please do not burn bridges with your family. This marriage is probably going to take place no matter what, and I would hate for you to lose your relationship with your sister, etc. over it. No sense in making yourself miserable.

You seem like a practical and intelligent person. I recommend above all that you follow your instincts. You know your family. You'll know what is best to do. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I always highly recommend prayer. It is the best solution to any situation. Feel free to write again for more help.
And I'm sure that other readers could help me out with suggestions here as well. The best of luck to you!
-Amy

Not my Advice

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work? Trying to motivate the husband to be better and more excited about church. I know this has been asked before but perhaps you have some more insight and information this time. Trying to get him to have a better attitude, at least that is what I think he needs, perhaps he doesn't.

Thanks for the question. You're right that I have touched on this before, and honestly I don't have any further insight. Except that I want to touch on your first sentence:

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work?

Whether you are talking about motivating your husband, or disciplining your children, or any number of things, there are always times when we all feel like this.

The solution is simple and we've heard it before, but I think it's so simple that we often "look beyond the mark."

There is someone there who is supposed to "pick up all the slack" When we've done all we can do, then it is "by His grace that we are saved."

So my answer? Pray. I know that seems almost too simple, but it's the only thing I know to do that will work with 100% gaurantee. "Pray like everything depends on Him, and then get up and work like everything depends on you." Pres. Hinckley

In your case, the "work" part is probably to sit back, listen to the Spirit and trust in your faith.

Good luck!

-Amy

Happily Ever After

Throughout this week, I have seen marriages begin, and marriages end. And so I want to pay tribute to the fact that I believe that marriage is wonderful, and I fully support it. I also wanted to express my love for my husband and let everyone know how happy I am in my own marriage. This is an article that expresses some of the ways that we can make our marriages great.


Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
Monday, January 14, 2008
Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to “live happily ever after,” but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.
I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage.

Here are my top ten tips.
1.Discover what makes each other happy. Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection—the subjective act of attributing one’s own feelings to others; the tendency to “hear” others’ feelings in relationship to one’s own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and “do unto to the other as he/she would like it done,” your relationship will flourish.

2.Share alike in doing the household chores. Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.

3.Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship. When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don’t “take it out” on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.

4· Learn good communication skills. To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.

5. Learn how to stay in love. Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don’t devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple’s time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!

6.Maintain a healthy physical relationship. Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other’s needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.

7.Do everything with common consent. People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don’t expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.

8.Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship. Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they’ll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.

9.Be grateful for each other. Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.

10.Develop empathy. Empathy means to place oneself in another person’s shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others’ feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.

Neli A. Rogers is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in San Antonio, Texas. She has been married for 32 years to Dwayne Rogers, and they have four children and seven grandchildren.
LDS Living Magazine, Jan/Feb Issue

Christmas Presents

Allison Deming said...
Ok I am finally going to utilize your advice. What do you do when the Christmas traditions of a new family are SO different on each side. My side of the family, lots of gifts, everyone gets everyone something - sometimes more than one something, etc. His side of the family, draw names, one gift, $20 limit. Now, these are quite reflective of the difference in family financial situations. My side, no problems at all, his side much more diverse and a great need to be frugal in one or two families (if you need more detail here, I can call or something!). I have heard you should do the same for both sides, but I have two nieces who are always used to getting a gift from Aunt Ali, and my Brother, Sister in Law, Mom and Dad always get one too. They have no problem understanding if when changed, but the kids of course would, they are too young. But, I cannot change what my family does for us. My brother will get me more than one gift, and my parents will get more than one for both Justin and I...probably more than 3 actually. You want to be reciprocal right? So I should get them all something...that is how I feel, but are we being equal? Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine, but I worry it could cause problems down the road...never know. So what is kosher for family Christmas gift giving when you get married? All advice welcome...

Dear Allison,
You answered your own question when you said, "Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine." I agree with Justin. Our families have kept things the same way that we had them growing up. But there is some flexibility that is needed when you get married and are trying to meld traditions. We switch off holidays every year between our families. However, both of our parents will be with us this year. But it's the in-laws year-so we're going to be doing Christmas their way this year. But my in-laws do try to incorporate some of my most important traditions to their own. But I never try to push anything. I think being flexible and forgiving is the most important thing. Your families probably don't quite know what to do either. Communication is really important. And if you're worried about things down the road-I would say just keep an eye on the situation. If you can tell that tension has sprung up-then talk to the offended party and fix it. But "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Thanks for the question. Merry Christmas!

-Amy

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

This book will really help anyone who needs advice about how to "motivate" your husband to do anything. I read it once about 3 years ago and it really helped me. Now don't blame me if there is stuff in there that is offensive, or that you don't agree with. I don't necessarily agree with everything she says either. But the basic principles are true.

• Wives need to give their husbands what they need (sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually)
• Treat a man as he is, and he will never improve. Treat a man as he can become, and he will become that man.
• A man already knows his weaknesses. He doesn't need them pointed out to him again.

Now after all of these posts about how great husbands are and how much we need to do for them, you may be thinking, "That's not fair!" What about us? Well my friends, all I have to say is that I will start talking about it when your husbands start asking about it :) And I think you will be surprised what doing these things gets you.

Motivation 2

This is along the lines of how to "motivate" your husband. How do you motivate/encourage/excite your husband to want to do things like scripture study, prayer, attending church without a pessimistic attitude because he has to walk to the halls with a child, fulfilling his calling to the best of his ability and not gripping about it. I try to be an example to him by doing all these things hoping that it will change him but haven't had much luck. Have even said that it doesn't seem like he wants to go to church etc... (granted that probably wasn't the best way to approach it but I just feel like he is disinterested in the church.) So all in all we want him to be the strong church leader that he can be. Can you help, anything would be great. Thanks Amy! (Hope this made sense)


Situation A)

• It's time to get up for church and you go to wake your husband up. He doesn't move and grumbles at you. This happens 3-5 times and with each passing minute you are getting angrier. Finally, you are at church-in the back, 10 minutes late-and you are fuming. You don't get to enjoy church. And you have bad feelings towards your husband. Meanwhile, he is thinking, "Why is my wife so quiet today? Hmmm..."

Situation B)

• The same events happen. Husband won't wake up, and you are late. BUT you don't get mad. You are nice to him and don't think it's a big deal. You wish you could have been on time and that not only would he have helped get the kids ready, but that you would have had a stellar prayer and scripture study before church as well. And that while at church he would have pulled out a notebook and started taking notes on the talks and wrote them a thank you note afterwards. But he doesn't do any of these things, and you are still nice to him. In fact, he even leans over to you and says, "Sorry we were late. It was my fault." You appreciate his apology, loop your arm through his and enjoy the rest of the meeting.

Now you may think this sounds silly, but trust me-it is real. It has happened.

You may not like it-but the same exact stuff I wrote for "Motivation" is exactly what you do in this situation as well-nothing. It's not your job. If your husband doesn't like church, and doesn't have a testimony, then I'm sorry. But you can't change it. You can't change him. You can only love him. You can only change yourself. You may have to let him have a bad attitude for awhile-a few weeks, months, or even years. But if you always treat him with love and respect-he will not disappoint you forever. This is true especially if you make it a matter of prayer. And not the kind of prayer that says, "My husband is doing things all wrong. I want him to do better and be better like me" Now you may not say those words, but the attitude can be there. Rather, pray like this, "My husband is struggling. He's not doing the things that I need him to do for my family church-wise. It's really hurtful to me and I don't know what to do about it. He is your child. You created him. You know how he feels in his heart. Please help me to love him the way that you do. Please help me to see and understand his heart."

If you pray like that, and then follow through with it-you will see big changes. I promise. But things take time....if you have babies to walk the hall with, then you are probably young. No one ate an elephant all in one day.

Hope this helps some. I honestly believe things will be okay for you. Despite everything, your husband really does sound like a great guy.

Good luck!

Amy

Multiple Questions, Many Answers

Well, you have many good questions, and I have many probably not so good answers. But I will help the best way I know how. I have thought on this and discussed this with my own husband at length. When he read the question he thought it was about him-so I guess I know a little bit of what you are going through-although I would never presume I know how you feel.



1) How do you handle a situation with your husband where he thinks he wants to change what he is doing in his life career wise - but has amazingly unrealistic expectations of what he needs to do to make that happen. He believed he can just start making tons of money with all the right gadgets and equipment, and no training (this is a field you usually go to school for). Additionally, if he goes into this and drops his current job we will lose all fringe benefits, which means I will have to work full time to have any health insurance, etc for the two of us. We both want to have children relatively soon which would mean me not working, and having benefits available for us and the children. Myself, and the rest of the family feel very uncomfortable with this idea. I have prayed about it and it just seems so wrong. But my husband is the type who likes to change jobs every few years - gets bored easily. This is something I am not used to myself. Each time we talk about the pros and cons of him changing careers he says I am trying to "ruin his dreams" and perhaps I just want him miserable. Other times he is more open and understanding to the problems this can cause. I have suggested going to school, but as he has no college he does not want to start and go 4-6 years to do what he wants to do. He has read a couple of books on the topic where people in the business say "oh you need NO training, just have these things, practice a lot and you will be just as good as anyone with a degree." I am afraid I am being too pessimistic, but with the idea of bringing children into he relationship on the horizon I feel that I need to be a bit more cautious than if it were just the two of us. I also worry that if I am right, he could be very hurt when things do not work out. When he feels like he has failed at something it is very rough on him. I have urged him to look into it more, thinking he might see it the way others do - but he only responds by saying he knows all there is to know and has really studied it. So, my question is what to do exactly. And if you are wondering this was not something that came up before our marriage, and the kid thing really needs to happen in the next 2-3 year at the latest. Hopefully that gives you something to work with... :)



This is all probably going to be very random, but here are my thoughts:

• You have a very traditional and conventional way of thinking. You were probably raised this way, and you might not even realize it. But it sounds like your husband does not. His way of thinking is "outside the box." And honestly, that's okay. Both ways of doing things are fine. It's true that you "usually" would get training for these fields like you said, but you didn't say have to. If he can figure out a way to be successful without the training-then I say let him do it.


• I know the insurance thing is a concern. Trust me-we're in the insurance business. But again you are thinking traditionally. Having a full time job is not the only way to get good insurance for your family. You can purchase it separately. That may not be the "ideal" way to do it, but it's better than not staying home with your kids. And-I don't know your situation, but if you're really not going to have kids right away, you could get a job with benefits right now anyway. And later you might be able to find something that allows you to do both.


• Okay, having kids-while I do believe that you need to provide for your children, I do not believe that you should put off having them just because life is up in the air, or you don't think you can buy them everything under the sun. People have been having children forever, and I believe they always come when they are supposed to. You will never be fully prepared for them. I definitely don't think you should have one tomorrow, but within 2-3 years like you said I think is very doable. I know that my husband was very wary about having kids before we were financially stable, but he recognizes now that we could have done it. It would have been okay.


• I'm not saying it's always going to work out and be okay. It's very possible that your husband will fail, and you won't have a stable financial situation. But I also believe very strongly that you probably need to let him do this. Of course it will be rough on him if he fails. But it will be good for him in the long run. He will step it up and try again. Eventually it will work out. If it doesn't-I'm sure he would be willing to do something else. But you are crushing his dreams. If he's anything like my husband-he would be very sensitive to that.


• Men just want us to trust them. They are supposed to be the providers of the family and with few exceptions they take that role very seriously. When I asked my husband about this he explained that men worry a ton about taking care of their family, but the worst feeling in the world is being kept up at night with the knowledge that your wife doesn't trust you to do that job. It's kind of like your role as a wife and mother. If you wanted to try some new cleaner, or formula, or parenting technique, how would you feel if your husband said to you, "You have unrealistic expectations. I don't think that's a good idea. That won't work. I have to raise the kids/clean the house myself, etc." Maybe that's not a very good example, but basically I think what your husband is hearing from you is: "you're not good enough." No one wants to feel that way.


• He is probably sounding a lot more confident than he is. He is probably more worried than you. But he can't admit that-even to himself. Because if he does-then he probably will fail. In order for these types of things to work out-you need to believe in them. He probably seems prideful, angry, and unteachable when this comes up because he's scared. Try to give him a break-really.


• It's okay to be worried and scared. It's okay to not like this. It's okay to want him to go to school and do things in the conventional way. But it is not okay to expect him to feel the same way. It is not okay to make him feel like he is letting you and the entire family down just because he wants to do something different/new. Again, it's possible it might not work out. But, what is the worst that can happen? You might be thinking, "well, we could be broke, and starving, homeless, with a starving baby!" If things really would end up that way because of this, then I think you should nicely explain to your husband how you feel about that. But- you married him for a reason. I'm sure you're smart. I'm sure you would not purposely marry someone that would lead you to poverty. You say that this didn't come up before you got married. So what. There's tons of stuff that young, in love couples don't talk about. Real life swoops in pretty fast. But the important things are still there-your love, trust, and faith. Never forget to keep things in perspective.

There are lots of other things that I could probably say. If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to email me and I will make sure I keep you anonymous. I know this doesn't fix everything, but I would like to emphasize TRUST. Hopefully this gave you something to work with :)

My husband has a bad "habit" that I am having more and more trouble dealing with. When he feels that he has done something that will disappoint me, at times he will lie and tell me a different story because he "does not want to upset me" "does not want to seem dumb" etc. This happened once over something really that was not big in the grand scheme of things. Him telling the truth would not have been a problem. He was caught and I told him it was ok, but not to do it again because lying will hurt me more than any truth you have to tell. He agreed. Well two weeks ago, I caught him again - same situation as the first. His excuse was that he did not want to look dumb or upset me, so he thought it would just be easier to tell me something different. Unfortunately he did not get his timetable down very well, and his story made no sense (to me). I guess you could say he is not a very good liar. So I told him that not telling me the truth really did hurt my feelings, and I was not ok with it. He has apologized a ton, and I have forgiven him - but made it clear in no uncertain terms that this type of thing is not ok under any circumstances for me or him. My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life. I really have no real evidence of that, but it is a hunch I have. Sadly, I feel myself analyzing everything he tells me just in case there is some inconsistency - like I have lost a part of the trust we had. This is definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, and what I was trying to avoid by stressing to him that telling the truth is SO important to me (and something that should happen in ALL relationships, not matter what it is). I am not sure exactly what I am asking, other than "where do I go from here?" Or any other advice you may have. (and this is my last question! - for now)



Let me start off with a humorous anecdote:

Wife: "What do you ever do around here to help me?"

Husband: "I killed the mouse for you last week."

Wife: "So?"

Husband: "Well, I got another one that I didn't even tell you about!"

Simply stated-yes, your husband is lying to protect you, and himself. You so that you don't have to get upset about things (like the mouse). It could be stuff like money, mold in the bathroom, broken china, or losing his job. Eventually, it's important that he tells you-but most men wouldn't want to do that until after things have worked out (a plumber has been called, a check has been deposited, the plate has been glued, a resume has been sent out, etc.)



"My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life."



You are right on. But my response is-so what? Doesn't everyone have a coping mechanism? Don't you? I know a guy who falls asleep every time his wife tries to talk to him about something serious. Someone else has guilt for every little thing he does wrong, and mopes for days. Your husband lies. If he's been doing it for most of his life-you can't take it personally! He is not personally trying to lie to you. He probably hates himself for it. He doesn't need you to hate him for it too.

My suggestion is to make him feel as adequate as you can. Boost him up, and TRUST him. There's that word again-it works. You may not feel like he trusts you-but what goes around comes around. Follow the golden rule-it's famous for a reason.

You said you forgave him-but it's obviously still bothering you. Pray to get over it. You have to forgive and forget. And don't put such strict expectations on him like "it's not acceptable to do it again." If it's his coping mechanism, he probably will do it again. Most of us struggle with these things our entire lives. That's why we're mortal. Obviously, lying is wrong. I do not deny that. But the reasons behind the lying may not be. Does that make sense? Only you know how to adjust it to your situation.



Lastly, it may seem like I am overly defending your husband, and treating him like he's not doing anything wrong. (in both situations). This is not so. While I do not condone "men bashing" of any sort, nor do I think they are perfect, or can do no wrong. Of course they can. But-that doesn't mean that you have to. You have the choice to be 100% perfect wife everyday. And I think that you will find that by focusing on improving yourself, and loving your husband-he will become better himself.



I have no doubt that you have a great marriage and that these two situations will work out. Keep up the good work. And as always, do not hesitate to see a professional if needed.

Thanks for writing. These were tough questions. I probably did not do them justice.

Keep em coming!

Good luck,

Amy

Motivation

How do you "motivate" a husband to do the things that you know he should be doing?

First of all, thank you for the question. I have thought it over for a few days because it is a tough one. I want to answer it in a way that validates you and gets you what you need, but also recognizes the truth. The simple answer to your question is-you don't. It is not your job to change or improve your husband. It is your job to love him always. But I understand it is a lot more complicated than that.

The first thing I noticed was that you said, "that you know he should be doing." It sounds like maybe you have an "agenda" of things that you think he should be doing-but does he know? Are they on his pallet of things that are important and matter to him? Because if they're not important to him, chances are he won't jump up to do them. Make sure that you are on the same page when it comes to expectations. If you think he should take out the garbage, for instance, he might have no idea. Even asking him over and over may not produce results. You may have to say something like, "In my family, it was a given that the husband always take out the garbage. This is important to me. Is that something you think you can do in our house?" And then respectfully listen to his answer. If it's not something he can handle, you may have to jump in and take some responsibility.

Also, I'm a huge believer in asking the question, "If he did/said/acted that way toward me, how would I feel?" This applies to just about every aspect of marriage. I'm assuming that you are a smart, well organized, hard working person. But haven't you ever had days or weeks that you aren't all those things? Sometimes don't you wish you could pull up in front of the tv with chocolate instead of tackle that pile of laundry. How would you feel if your husband came over and peeled the remote out of your hand and threw the laundry on the couch with a rude grunt? I'm guessing it wouldn't feel very good. So make sure that you don't do similar things to your husband. When you are at a dinner party don't complain to your friends and say, "Urg. My husband is so lazy. He never does anything around the house. Our garbage is always overflowing." I'm assuming you wouldn't feel too good if your husband said similar things about you.

Granted, these are just examples and I understand that there are more important things than garbage and laundry. Things like earning a living, or leading the family in church worship, or providing protection. I can understand that if your husband is lacking in these areas it can be very frustrating. But I still don't recommend trying to push them into change. Women so often want things done on their time table and in their way. But we forget that our husbands were capable and independent beings when we met and married them. You fell in love with him for a reason. Try to remember him that way. You probably wouldn't have complained about him doing these things when you were courting, so think back on those times and react with love and patience like you would have then. Perhaps this story can help you.

The bottom line is that the greatest motivator is always love. Each person needs love in their own way. Find out how your husband feels loved the most from you and then show it. Love him, serve him, speak to him kindly, and I bet you will be surprised at the man he becomes. I honestly believe that men want to serve and please us and be great men. But oft times their spirits are broken by a judgmental wife with too high expectations. I honestly don't know how you treat him. Maybe you are all of these things already. That's great! But I have found that most of us can always do better.

Please don't get me wrong. No one should ever put up with abuse of any kind. No one should put up with a husband that is demeaning or neglectful to necessary things. But I think these cases are rare in the average household. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He may be doing his best. If you really can't stand his behavior over a long period of time, then by all means get some professional help.

But honestly, I believe that the best thing you can do is lower your expectations, give him the benefit of the doubt, develop clear and honest communication, and above all-love him.

Feel free to comment and share thoughts. I happen to think my husband is perfect so I probably wasn't the best one to answer this question :)

Good luck,
Amy

Weird In-Laws

How can I cope with weird in-laws? They don't even seem to understand their own children and have such crazy expectations.

First of all, I would say go to this great article. It's obvious that there are several people who are in your same boat. Coping with in-laws is an age old question. But there are several things you can and should do.

Without knowing all of the specifics (I don't know what you mean by "crazy expectations") here are some general principles.

• Give them the benefit of the doubt-You love your spouse and they raised them, and so their parents can't be all that bad. I know you said that they don't even understand their own children, but depending on how long you have been married-you probably aren't an expert either. They don't know what it's like to have in-laws either and so it's probably best to think that they are doing the best they can.
• How does your spouse feel about the situation? Do they think that their parents are weird with crazy expectations as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, then try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and look for the positive in their family. If it is the two of you, come together as one and come up with your own expectations for your family, and stick by them no matter what. Perhaps you would want to post some family rules in your home so that your in-laws are aware of what is expected from them. For example, if you expect them to take their shoes off upon entering your home, make sure that is clear in a non-confrontational way. If it doesn't matter to you-make that clear also.
• Respect the rules and expectations of their home. Even if it doesn't make sense to you-they have a right to run their household in the way that is best for them. If they are vegetarians for instance, be nice and save your carnivore habits for your house.
• Without knowing how close you live to them, it's hard to give advice about visits. But make sure you and your spouse agree on what is acceptable visitation for both parties. If they expect you to come over every week with the kids for dinner-you may have to agree on that. But if they expect you to come over everyday-you can firmly tell them that although you love spending time with them, that you need to have some boundaries in order to establish your own family right now.
• I know it's hard when you HAVE to be with these people whom you normally would not have chosen to associate with, but the golden rule still applies here. Be as nice as you can. However, I'm sure there are cases which require some real distance from toxic influences. If the in-laws are emotionally or physically abusing your family, then you have a right to avoid them and get professional help. Otherwise, it might trust require some mutual toleration.
• Try to have a sense of humor. If it really is not that important-just let it go.
• All marriages and families require work-but let's not be afraid of work!

I'm sure that lots of people have sympathy for your situation. It is hard to enter a whole new family when we are so influenced and directed by the family we were raised in. We might think that when we get married it is just to one person, but it is true that "marry a guy, marry his family" But, this truth is still the most important and has to be placed as a very high priority:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

I don't think that this means that we can completely ignore and berate our in-laws, but it does mean that when you get married, you create a new family and that you have to nurture and protect that new family as your most important treasure, and not let anyone destroy it.

I hope this helps some. Thanks for writing, and good luck!