Business Relationship With Ex Spouse

I think that one of the most difficult things for a couple to do after they have divorced is figure out how they are going to co-parent their children. Often times the fights, resentment and misunderstandings that happen post divorce are a result of a couple's failure to communicate differently after a divorce. Learning how to be in a business relationship with your ex spouse can be difficult and sometimes, down right impossible if you and your ex spouse are not on the same page. However, learning to effectively co-parent is essential if you have any hope of raising happy, healthy, well adjusted children. Here are some tips that may help you along that path.

1. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN MORE THAN YOU HATE YOUR EX SPOUSE- No matter how much you dislike your ex spouse for what they did to you during your marriage, and your divorce, its important to always put your children first. Although it might feel good to agree with someone when they bash your ex, or you really need to know why your ex is now driving a brand new Lexus when they claimed they couldn't afford those basketball lessons for your son, always think about your children before you speak, act or fail to act. Loving your children more than you dislike your ex spouse will always be the right decision.

2. TAKE AN IN PERSON PARENTING CLASS RATHER THAN ONLINE CLASS- While it is surely easier, confidential and convenient to take your parenting class online, I'm a firm believer that you will get more out of the class if you actually go to an in person class. You are more likely to pay attention, listen to what you are being told and figure out what you have to learn about parenting after a divorce if you take the time to go in person. You will be happy that you did and most Judges will appreciate the extra effort.

3. NEVER PUT YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE- No matter what the situation, never ask your children to relay anything to your ex spouse, never ask them to deliver funds to the other parent and never interrogate them about what goes on in the other parent's house. Your children should be as free from conflict as humanly possible and should never be the one to deliver information. If you are going to be late, owe the other parent money, wondering about a party you heard happened at their house, pick up the phone and communicate about the issue yourself.

4. TRY TO SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT IN PRESENCE OF CHILDREN- This is easier said than done. After a divorce, negative thoughts, feelings and statements seem to flow much easier than the positive. If you consciously make the decision to say something positive about your ex, it will help you, especially when the negative tends to come to the lips more readily.

5. GIVE YOUR EX THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT- After divorce, its easy to immediately jump to the negative when there is a conflict, communication issue or problem. A lot of times there are two loving parents who just communicate, parent, listen and comprehend information differently. Not automatically jumping to the negative will help you get the benefit of the doubt yourself in the future when you need it. You will hear a lot of things from your children about what goes on in the other house, and you can assume that only about 1/2 of what you here is 100% accurate. Change the subject when things are offered up by your child, and if there is something that you are concerned about, don't take your kid's word for it, call the other parent and start with "I take this with a grain of salt because Joey offered it up, but Joey said you spanked him really hard the other day and sent him to bed without dinner. I'm just wondering what the real story is." Delivery is 1/2 the battle when you are trying to communicate with an ex after divorce. Accusing first gets you no where and not going to be met with any type of openness. I'm always amazed when I am sitting in a mediation, court hearing or settlement conference and listening to two (2) people tell the same story and have entirely different versions of what "really" happened.

6. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF- After a divorce, you really need to pick your battles with your ex so when there is a major issue that comes up in the future, you will be taken seriously. There will be plenty of little things that happen along the way in a post-divorce parent relationship and letting go of things that are minor annoyances, rather than big issues will help you be taken more seriously when a major issue arises. Think about the little boy calling wolf and really ask yourself "is this such a big deal"? While its easy to be taken advantage of if you always let the little stuff go, know when you should just let it go.

7. LIMIT COMMUNICATION WITH YOU EX- Many people are co-dependent on their ex and divorce does not make that relationship any less co-dependent. Limit communication, especially in the early years, for those things that actually need a response or to forward information that only you would have. Too much communication can cause drama, unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings. While its okay to be friendly, try to remember boundaries and keeping things simple.

8. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY, DO IT IN PERSON NOT EMAIL- I'm astounded by what people put in emails and am constantly telling my clients that things "get lost in email translation". When your ex reads an email, they are going to interpret that email in the manner that they believe it is being delivered. Often times, that is the basis for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Many people have forgotten that a simple telephone call is the best way to accomplish the delivery of information.

9. CONSULT WITH THE OTHER PARENT BEFORE MAKING ANY MAJOR PARENTING DECISIONS AND TRY TO AVOID MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS OVER THE OTHER PARENT'S OBJECTION- You would never want to be the last to know when your child gets a tattoo, drops out of school, gets a cell phone, gets a car, or gets a job. Therefore, even if you know that the other parent is going to have a differing opinion on a certain subject, consulting the other parent is the right thing to do and what is required of you in the shared parenting statute. Most major decisions should not be made unless both parties are in agreement with that decision. Remember that kids only have to look to you for 18 years as to what they can and cannot do, after that, they are on their own. When a kids wants something, they are always going to ask the parent who is more likely to say yes. Don't say yes or no to something major unless the other parent is on board. While there are exceptions to this golden rule, in my mind, they are few and far between.

10. NEVER ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO USE YOU AGAINST YOUR EX SPOUSE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT- Kids are smart and often times will figure out how to play their parents in order to get what they want. If your daughter wants to go to mom's house on your day, and you are okay with it, communicate with your ex first before you say yes, just to make sure she isn't really planning on being at her boyfriend's house when his parents are away. If your kids know that you and your ex do not communicate well, they will use that fact to their advantage to get what they want. Don't let them!

Divorce, Depression and Suicide

In my efforts to find a topic to blog about today, at least three stories popped up when I searched Google regarding divorce related to suicides and murders. There is a saying in the family law community that family lawyers get to see good people at their worst and criminal attorneys get to see bad people at their best. I see people in all states, from irrationally angry to severely depressed. When going through a divorce or family legal crisis, it is imperative that you lean upon close friends/family and seek professional help if the stress of the situation is too much for you to bear. Get into a support group, stay away from drugs and alcohol and make sure not to act on emotion. Remember that things do get better and be proactive about finding realistic solutions to problems instead of burying them or trying to ignore them. There is no question that divorce is stressful and that after divorce your life will not look the same. Embrace the change in a positive way and try to fix only those things that you have the power to fix. If you have a controlling ex-spouse, know that this will not change and find new ways to deal with them. If you have a tremendous amount of debt, know that this won't change without a plan. If you and your spouse have tremendous difficulty communicating about your children, know that this won't change without you giving in now and then on what you want, and even then, it might not change. If you are going through a divorce and are finding your situation to be hopeless, please call a friend, contact a therapist or a crisis center so that you can avoid any unnecessary tradegies.

The Curse of the Semi-Happy Marriage

As I was logging onto my yahoo account to get my dad's itinerary for his trip here in August, I came across an article about semi-happy marriages. I think the main point in the article is that marriages that are "comfortable" are responsible for a great deal of divorces. As a divorce attorney, I see a variety of different reasons for why marriages break up from adultery to massive financial problems. I do see some people who simply cannot articulate why their marriage is "irretrievably broken" when asked this question in Court. There have been a couple of occasions at a mediation or final hearing when I cannot really understand why the marriage is ending in divorce because the parties seem like great friends. With the recent fairytale wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton splashed all over every media outlet, its easy to see that Americans love the "fairytale". Does that mean that a marriage doesn't work if it isn't a fairytale? I am going to be so bold as to say that most marriages are not fairytales 100% of the time. Does this mean that divorce makes sense? I find this article slightly concerning with the current rate of divorce being very high, I would hope that people determine whether they are the "marrying kind" before they say I Do.

Divorce, Holidays and the Kids

The holiday season is upon us and many people are beginning the fight regarding who gets the kids, for how long and when. In Florida, if you have a court ordered holiday schedule, the holiday schedule will trump your regular schedule. Additionally, "holiday" contact is usually defined as the day the children are released from school until the day they return to school at the conclusion of the break from school. If you don't have an agreement at this time, here are some tips to help you through the holiday season with as little stress and fighting as possible:

1. Be Willing to Compromise. Its rare that you will get both Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you want Thanksgiving this year, understand that you are probably going to have to give up Christmas Day this year.
2. Make Plans for Yourself. If you don't have Thanksgiving this year, you will have it next year. That's the way that it works and is what is fair to the other parent. There is no time like the present to figure out what you are going to do on the holiday when you don't have the kids. Don't give your kids a guilt trip, they should be able to spend time with their father/mother without feeling guilty.
3. More than one celebration is not a bad thing. Kids never complain about having two (2) Christmases so if you don't get to see your children on Christmas this year, you can celebrate with them on the day/days that you do have them.
4. Don't agree in writing to share holidays. You never know what is going to happen in the future and your new wife/husband may not understand why they have to have your ex-wife/ex-husband at their Thanksgiving table. If you decide to share a holiday that's great, but if you put it in writing, you are stuck with that indefinitely.
5. Don't make assumptions. If you are travelling for a holiday and there is no agreement as to who gets the holiday this year, make sure you speak with your children's mother/father before booking flights or hotel rooms. Never assume that the holiday is yours. You will have much better success at getting a particular holiday if you speak with the other parent first and ask them whether you can have the kids rather than just making plans without consulting the other parent.
6. Plan ahead. The sooner you can come to an agreement about the holiday schedule, the smoother the season will go. With the crowding of courts, if you wait until the last minute there will be little chance that you will be able to get to see a judge before the holiday if an agreement can't be reached.
7. Don't take the holiday schedule too seriously. If you agree not to have a holiday this year, all that means is that you get that particular holiday next year. Fighting over holidays does not make sense and ultimately will have a negative effect on your children.
8. Create new traditions with your children to make the holiday season special. Life is not going to look the same once you and your spouse decide to split, but that doesn't mean you can't create new and meaningful traditions.
9. Focus on the Positive. Divorce is difficult on everyone and can be even more difficult if you are going through one during the holiday season. Focusing on the positive can help you get through the season.
10. Be Flexible- If your ex-spouse has a holiday this year, wants to travel and stay a day later which means that will cut into your time, if you don't have other plans, be okay with this, because you never know when you are going to need the same flexibility.

Summer Time-Sharing

Summer in Florida, like in many other states, affords divorced parents the opportunity to spend blocks of quality time with their children. Most of my clients equally divide up the summer with the children spending half of their time with each parent. This is usually a time for summer trips, bonding and giving a parent who has the children primarily during the school year a much needed break. However, often what you decide to do when your children are younger, may not always work when they get to be teenagers when their life and schedules are more important than spending quality time with mom and/or dad. While I agree that teenagers should always get a say, but they shouldn't always get their way, its important to recognize that a teenager's needs and wants when it comes to summertime time-sharing. Don't take offense if your teenager would rather stay close to home to be near a boyfriend/girlfriend or summer job. Be flexible with them and find ways that you can spend time with them and still accommodate some of their own wishes and desires. Work with your ex-spouse to ensure that a summer time schedule makes sense for everyone. Planning ahead and scheduling out the summer in April or May is a good way to avoid confusion and to provide your teenager with a realistic expectation of what they are and are not going to be able to do with their summer.

Special Needs Children, Divorce, And A Race for a Cure

There is plenty of research out there that sets forth very disappointing statistics about couples with special needs children and divorce. Children put strains on even the happiest of marriages. Couples have a much higher likelihood of divorce if they have a special needs child, whether that is a child with mental or emotional special needs or a child that has been diagnosed with a disease such as cancer. There is no question about the devastating effects that the stress involved with caring for a child that has needs above and beyond what is considered "normal" can have on a marriage. Trying to keep things together emotionally and financially when caring for a special needs child can break the proverbial matrimonial back. Perhaps one of the ways that we can focus on keeping families together is getting to the root of diseases such as autism and cancer and doing proactive things to find cures. Perhaps if less pediatric diseases existed, less couples will end up in divorce court. That's why foundations such as Noah's Light Foundation are an essential part of keeping families together. The focus of Noah's Light Foundation is finding a cure for pediatric brain and spinal tumors. Finding a cure for such diseases can have a ripple effect which reduces the divorce rate in this country. While some couples may still end up in divorce court regardless of whether or not their children are healthy, I truly believe that reducing stress in people's lives does increase happiness which ultimately leads to less divorce.

To read more about Noah's Light Foundation, see: http://www.noahslightfoundation.org/

Staying In A Bad Relationship For The Kids

There are many studies that talk about the negative effects that divorce has on children. A new study has just been released that states that staying in a hostile and volatile relationship "for the kids" can be much more damaging than divorce itself. I have long since believed that this is the case, and I have heard time and time again that once a couple separates they are able to be better people and parents. However, what couples who are going through a divorce need to understand is----how they treat one another after the divorce will dictate how well their children deal with the divorce. No matter what couples who have children need to put their own issue and problems to the side and learn how to co-parent their children without the hostility and anger that may have led to their divorce. This study shows that staying in a bad relationship is worse than divorce, but it does not address whether or not a relationship that is bad during the marriage and remains bad after the divorce has more or less of a negative effect on children.

To read the article upon which this blog is based, see:

Till Death Us Do Part?

I often pass over the opportunity to discuss celebrity divorce on this blog, however, Dennis Hopper's passing has brought up an interesting question about what happens if you have filed for divorce, but that divorce is not yet final when you or your spouse dies. Does your soon to be ex-spouse get more of your estate because you are still considered "married"? Dennis Hopper had a prenuptial agreement which states that his current wife, whom he filed for divorce from in January, will only be allowed to inherit any of his estate if they were married and living together at the time of his death. Therefore, the question in the probate court with respect to Hopper's estate will be whether the couple was living together at the time of Mr. Hopper's death. Every state is different when they are dealing with this issue, therefore, if you are in the process of a divorce, make sure that you update your will accordingly. Additionally, if you have concerns that your death may occur prior to the finalization of your divorce, motion the court to bifurcate your case to grant your divorce but reserve on the other issues so that your divorce can be granted. That way, if you were to die, you will die without a spouse and your former spouse will not inadvertently be entitled to more of your estate under probate/estate law rather than divorce/matrimonial law.

Caught Red Handed!!!

If you are caught having an affair and it ends up being the demise of your marriage, who is to blame? Can you sue the person or persons who revealed your secret to your spouse? What if the person who revealed your secret was actually a corporation? That is exactly what a Toronto woman is doing as a result of a cell phone company wrongfully combining the woman's private cell phone bill that was in her maiden name with that of her husband's. She is suing for breach of contract among other things and blames the cell phone company's wrongful act for her divorce and loss of job. While I believe that the breach of contract claim has merit due to the cell phone company's unilateral termination of her cell phone contract, I am not sure whether her claim that the cell phone company is responsible for her divorce has any merit at all. If you committed adultery and someone inadvertently reveals this to your spouse, should you be able to have any monetary recovery from that person or company that revealed your secret? What about personal accountability for your actions? Where do we draw the line? I am interested to hear any one's thoughts on this subject.

To read the article for which this blog is based, please see:

Surviving Divorce

Divorce is a scary thing and often times people feel alone in the process. It can be emotionally, financially and mentally draining and knowing that there are other people out there that are going through the same thing as you can be tremendously comforting. There are many memoirs out there written by people who have gone through a divorce and have gotten through to the other side in one piece. I've always been an avid reader and encourage people to escape their own worlds into another person's world for a period of time. A new book written by Stacy Morrison is one woman's story about her own divorce and how she was able to go through it in one piece and live to tell the story. You can read about Ms. Morrison's book at the following link:

Please share your own stories of survival with our readers.

Can Divorce Make You Fat?

There is no question that divorce is emotional and often times the emotional part of divorce can have physical implications, whether that is anxiety, high blood pressure, stress headaches or weight gain/loss. It seems that even pseudo celebrities are blaming their divorce for weight gain. This just goes to show you that no one is immune to the emotional aspects of divorce. If you are feeling any physical effects from your divorce, its important to get help if these symptoms are causing your quality of life to suffer. Exercise, proper diet, good sleeping habits and having a good support group can help insure that this physical manifestations of divorce do not spiral out of control.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1262302/Kevin-Federline-Divorce-Britney-fat.html

Website for Adultery?

It has been a while since I blogged and its been hard to find any article that doesn't have Tiger Woods in the title. However, I did happen to stumble upon something that I had to post here in this blog. There is a website that exists for dating that is exclusively for married people. Yes, that is right, married people. What is even more shocking is that the site boasts more than five million users. I read some of the articles on the website and a curious statistic jumped out at me that stated that 70% of all marriages survive an extra-marital affair. I believe that this number has got to be false as more than 50% of the people who come to my office seeking a divorce involve someone being unfaithful. Now, I'm sure that there are a lot of marriages that survive one extra-marital affair, but its been my experience that once there is one affair, there are going to be more to follow which eventually will lead to the demise of a marriage. I find it hard to believe that any marriage can survive an affair especially when one party is actively seeking out a relationship with another person on the Internet. I'm curious to know what others think about this site and whether they believe that marriages can survive affairs.

Children's Divorce Classes

One of the biggest issues that couples face when they are going through a divorce is the effect that the divorce has on their children. I'm often asked whether I have any helpful tips for getting a child through a divorce in one piece. While I think the most important tip that I give clients is to keep your child out of the divorce process and do your best to co-parent your children in a friendly and civil manner, counseling and other programs are also helpful. I became aware of a program called Sandcastles which is a program for children to help them learn about divorce and to group a child together with other children who are going through the same thing that they are. Sometimes children feel all alone when their parents are divorcing and knowing that other children are going through the same thing can be very comforting. If you are interested in this program and how you can get your child involved, see:

http://www.educationprograms.com/Children-Divorce-Class-Sandcastles-Divorce-Children.php

Alimony....Till Death Do Us Part?

In a long term marriage, when permanent periodic alimony is a given, we often speculate when someone can retire and possibly eliminate or severely reduce a monthly alimony amount. Often times, if someone retires at a normal retirement age, alimony can be eliminated or reduced at retirement. However, a judge in Massachusetts has ruled that a person may have to continue working or seek part-time employment even after retirement in order to satisfy an alimony obligation. Is this fair? Should someone have to continue to work well into his/her 70s or 80s in order to satisfy an alimony requirement? Shouldn't a person be allowed to retire? On the other hand, should someone be allowed to retire in order to escape the necessity of paying alimony? Alimony is one of those nasty words that causes heartburn for those who have to pay it and heartburn for those who are fearful of losing it. With people living longer and retirement ages still around 65, it'll be interesting to see how all courts handle this complex issue.

To read the article about the Massachusetts ruling see: http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/11/10/divorce_may_mean_retiring_is_delayed/

Feline and Canine Victims in Divorce

There are always victims of collateral damage in a divorce, and sometimes the victims are the family pets. I have seen couples fight over who is going to get the animals in a divorce and in other circumstances, people decide to give their animals up because there is either too much going on and neither party can take care of them, or it is decided that it is too expensive to continue to care for the pets. If you are thinking about getting a pet and your marriage is in an unstable state, think twice before you make that purchase.

Does A Leopard Change Its Spots?

Every now and then, I come across an article that falls under the title "the truth is stranger than fiction". In Tysons' Corner, Virginia a man has chosen to wear a sandwich board stating that he's a cheater in hopes of winning his wife back after infidelity. Whether or not this is some sort of strange publicity ploy is still up for debate, but its an interesting tactic in winning your spouse back after being unfaithful. I would say that as much as 25% of our divorce clients have dealt with infidelity at some point in their marriage, and I don't think that most of them would take someone back just because they decided to publicly announce to the world that they cheated. Would this work if your spouse had cheated on you? Do you think that it would help your relationship and ensure a better marriage? I'm always interested to hear other people's perspective on the articles that I post to this blog. Let me know if you think that this guy and the parties' marriage has a chance of survival.

Divorce and Naked Pictures

Its no secret that many people do things in their marriages that they don't wish to become part of the public record when they divorce. This can be anything from tax fraud to extramarital affairs. Sometimes things as personal as naked pictures of private videos rear their heads in the midst of divorce to be used as leverage of blackmail. What do you do if your husband or wife threatens to post your private pictures and videos on the Internet for all the world to see? You can certainly file a motion for protective order to stop this from happening, but often times, the damage is done before your motion is even in front of a judge. There is a case here locally that is directly on point on this one, and its still unclear whose side the Judge is going to land. I provide everyone with this advice, be careful what you do even in the privacy of your own home, because you never know when it'll be used against you in a court of law.

To read the article upon which this blog is based, see:

The Internet and Divorce

We are definitely in an information age where everyone seems to have a Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or Linked-In Account. I must admit I don't really understand Twitter but I am an actively involved member of the Facebook community. I always tell my clients that email, voicemail as well as Facebook and Myspace postings can all be used against you in a Courtroom, so before you post a status on Facebook or Twitter and before you post those pictures of you partying with your friends on Myspace, remember that all of this media can and often is used against you in Court. Everyone is watching and sometimes that means your soon to be ex spouse. When you are going through a divorce, it is important not to act emotionally, especially in Cyberspace. You never know when something you did impulsively ends up as Petitioner's Exhibit 1.

To read more about the Internet and divorce, see the following article:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1904147,00.html?iid=tsmodule

Adult Children and Divorce

Almost every time that I do a search for articles about divorce and Florida, inevitably there is something that comes up about the divorce of Hulk Hogan. Recently, there was an article that addressed the hard time that Brooke Hogan was having with her parents' divorce. Brooke is over the age of eighteen and for all purposes an adult, yet she still cries over "the way we were". There is plenty of literature out there about the effect that divorce has on adult children and why it may be harder on them then their minor child counterparts. If you are used to your parents being together and then when you are an adult, you are forced to deal with divorce, there are a variety of different reasons why this can be hard to take. The following article addresses the issues that adult children of divorce have.

http://blendedfamilies.suite101.com/article.cfm/adult_children_of_divorce

Parents of ADHD Children More Likely To Divorce

There is no doubt that there are many children these days that are being diagnosed with ADHD. A new study shows that parents of children with ADHD are more likely to divorce, due to the added stress that is put on the relationship. When a child has special needs, studies have shown that this puts an added strain on a marriage, especially if a child is not responding to treatment. The following article discusses this latest study:

http://www.examiner.com/x-8175-St-Louis-Marriage-Examiner~y2009m6d1-Study-finds-parents-of-ADHD-children-more-likely-to-divorce

If anyone has any helpful tips on what a couple can do to help their marriage when they have a special needs child, please feel free to post your suggestions here.