Last night was fun NOT!!!
my son did not want to sleep
and my hubby wanted to be pissy so i spent lots of the night bawling my eyes out
too much stress and T. O. M
the only thing i am really still angry about is my hubby never even cared i was crying because he was tired i guess
didnt want to deal with it i guess
i dunno
can someone say ASS
what happens is 11 out of 12 months of a year we are good and theres that one month of the year we spend angry about something stupid
well this may be it
the same old same old
i dont cry often when i do its probably T.O.M but i would still like an are you ok
when ya know im crying
and he just doesnt get it and like last year i was mad for about a month about this same thing then gave up
this time
i have already given up cant really be mad when he could care less right
just makes me add another layer of skin to that thick skin people say they cant get through
i mean the about a month or so ago my mother and i got into a fight and she started crying and i couldnt even cry about it
he has made me this way
i dont cry about much anymore
i used to be an emotional person
and now i cant cry when i should be crying
its crazy i dont like it
and i wasnt crying cuz i was sad
i cryed cuz i was soooooo angry
and when i used to be angry i would either drink which is a huge no anymore im a mommy of an autistic boy i always need to be on top of my game
or i would smoke a cig
yes people something you might not have know i smoked for about 8 years
since 13 years old crazy
i know till till around 20 or 21years old i dont remember exactly
i stopped a year before i even got pregnant
and was good till he was diagnosed with autism then i started smoking actually on christmas again when i realized he did understand what christmas was that year all i asked for htat christmas from my hubby was a pack of cigs in my stocking it was crazy i was that depressed
uuuugggghh
im crying just talking bout that old feeling
yuck
so anways smoked for a year or so
i quit in june
so its been around 8 months of no smoking
and i will never go back i cant workout like i do and smoke
not gonna happen
but i used to smoke when i was this angry
or then there is the overeating
nope cant do that now
so what did i have but to cry last night
it sucked crying cuz your so mad and have no outlet
but it was better than any of the other choices i used to do to heal my anger
right????
so thats what i did i cried
and im crying again writing this
but it will get better
i know it will
i know i'll feel better after jillian kicks my ass today
i can tell i am depressed today cuz i am listening to P!NK
i love her newest cd when i am upset
i love all her cds she is my fav singer
but when i am having a bad day i listen to her newest cd
oh well this is all i have to say for right now
my brain is all over the place today if you couldnt tell
gotta go workout and straighten it all out lol
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!
:( Sorry you're having a rough time. It'll get better - the beast will take your mind off of things.
ReplyDeleteI'm sincerely sorry you are having such a rough time.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to see you recognizing that the 'old ways' won't really make you feel better & would only add to your pain in the long run. Working out when you're PO'd can really feel good...I know, sounds bizarre, but it works! :)
I hope you are able to work things out so that you are happier & feeling the way you want to feel.
Best wishes,
Lynn
Sweetheart. I'm sorry. TOM can really bring out the doozy arguments in my marriage. Workout like you're training to be an assassin. Then you probly won't need to be as mad later.
ReplyDeletekeep being as responsible as you are and you're gonna succeed. So watch out!
My family is huge on not showing emotion. But we have to or we stuff it down with food. Guys in general do not deal well with crying females, like oh no,she's crying hide! Hope your day gets better!
ReplyDeleteI used to smoke too. Started at 14 and off and on until about 8 years ago. It is tough with stress, but I identify with being a non-smoker now, it gets easier!
I am sorry your having such a rotten month. I can relate to the sleep issues vs. husband thing. Take solice in the fact I that since your only vice can be working out you can be rewarded with a smoking hot body.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad you have to go through this!! Especially with TOM visiting. Hopefully it will pass soon.
ReplyDelete