One lens amongst many...

In response to a question put out by Marek J, regarding what defines us as “men” and “women” and the roles we play in the modern world (as part of a larger discussion initiated by Frank Paynter on the roles men might play in supporting feminist leadings) -- my thoughts, for the sake of discussion…

What makes men "men" and women "women"? Well, there is one school of thought that would say: our genetic programming. And there are certainly plenty who argue pretty heatedly with this school of thinking, but I personally find a great deal of value in it, not as an end all be all complete explanation, but simply as one lens among many for examining a complex subject.

According to Evolutionary Psychology, we behave as we do due to an inherent drive to see the continuation and success of our genes. Thus men are programmed to feel the desire to spread their seed to many, not just to one. Thus women are programmed to nurture. Thus men select women who display an aptitude for nurturing (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own mothers), and thus women select men who display an aptitude for providing and protecting (especially if this was an aptitude they saw in their own fathers). As modern humans, we struggle to overcome many of these inherent drives -- modern man struggles to resist his urges for cheating; modern woman aspires to be more than just nurturer; and together we aspire to form partnerships based on more than just our genetic make-ups.

Where it becomes complicated is in the reward structures we have woven into modern society. Under capitalism, which also ascribes to the same basic laws of "survival of the fittest," there is little reward or compensation for those inherently female roles, such as being a good nurturer, because there is little value placed on them, which translates to little market value -- both in the cases of motherhood itself and the nurturing professions (teaching, nursing -- both roles in which the best nurturers amongst us should flourish, but both examples of predominantly female roles that are not-coincidentally under-valued and under-compensated). This is likely due to the fact that the "return on investment," so to speak, on nurturing is neither immediate (as we've increasingly come to demand) nor directly attributable. Certain Alpha male behaviors, on the other hand, tend to be both more immediate in their results and more directly attributable. Our capitalist system is run by Alpha males and would not thrive if it were otherwise. Why do men strive to be Alpha? Because then they will be selected by the prime females. Or something to that effect...

At any rate, before we females chastise the Alpha male-dominated capitalist system, we must note the degree to which we reinforce it. We are, all of us, consumers. And many of us are also investors. And managers, and employees, and business owners. And role models. All part of the system -- the macrocosm that embodies everything from the bedroom to the playground to the boardroom.

Another point that I would like to make is about the romanticizing of women. The fact is, power corrupts -- it twists and it taints and it tempts -- and were women at the helm of industry and politics, you can bet that there would be no less corruption nor violence. It might be a little different in form, but it certainly wouldn't be any more a utopia than the world we currently live in. We see plenty of that already -- trouble is, when we see it, we conveniently dismiss these women as behaving like men. Maybe they are; or maybe they are behaving like humans in positions of power. It's hard to say because it shapes itself into a circle.

What's more, women can be incredibly cruel. We don't see it so much because it is far more covert, tends to be smaller scale, and is psychological rather than physical. It's also insidious. Boys, you don't know cruelty unless you've ever been an adolescent girl.

Of course, I can say that, because I'm a woman. If a man said anything of the sort he'd likely be impaled for it. That's the sad reality of politically charged conversations -- you piss off a lot of people if you try to strip away too much of the comfortable bullshit. Women, as a group, are not above reproach, and neither are we simply victims (some are, yes, but those of us who talk about it the most are not). Don't get me wrong -- I'm far from the Camille Paglia school of anti-feminism -- but I think that no real progress comes without balance and objectivity.

And to that end, I really do value spaces such as BlogSisters where women's voices and thoughts can flourish, and I value them all the more in knowing that men are listening in and thinking and learning and responding. There is a balance to be found, and I think we're starting to find it in small spots like this.

All Hail the Queen of BlogGeeks!
Awesomely articulate Andrea Roceal James is the subject of Frank Paynter's latest intense interview. Since this lovely GeekIcon is my apprentice Crone, I admit a very strong bias. But that's not the only reason I'm so delighted to have her as a Blog Sister. If there's such a thing as an "old soul," she is one of them. Read her interview and see why the world needs more twenty-something females like this Web Monkey Grrr. (And there's photos, too!)

Treaty for Women's Rights
Following up on Robin's and jfcates' posts below, I have posted a piece on my blog with links to the Treaty site and a call for action. Please feel free to use what I wrote on your own blogs or just steal my links and write your own plea in support of the Treaty.

On Women's Own Voices

I found This Page today, and have listened to Elizabeth Bishop reading Manuelzinho in her own voice, which I found fascinating. Listen and enjoy.

Islam, Conservative Christians and women's rights

In the New York Times this passed week was an editorial piece about the women's rights treaty. An overly graphic tale of an Islam Imman from Pakistan beating his wife until she ran away, and then after she was captured and returned, burning out her vagina with a 240volt charged iron rod, appalled me. What was even scarier is there has been no massive outcry generated from that article.

It is clear to me that the mysoginist attitudes of the Christian Right and their view of family values is very close to the mysoginist attitudes of Moslem fundamentalists. These are control issues built around women as family slave, as property of the master.

My field of work and study deals with images. Our cultural imagery is rife with thin submissive women and over muscled obnoxious men. The other image of men is the federal blue suit, white shirt and red power tie. Attorney John Ashcroft was so uncomfortable with the stone breasts of justice behind him when he talked that he made his department cover the work of art with a federal blue drape.

I am in the story board phase of my next video which will be about images. My first choice for an image is my mother in her wedding gown. It is a very long gown swirling out around her on the floor. Her veil is lifted only because the photo was to convey an after marriage image. The veil is the same veil the Moslem women are under, and it was a Christian veil. So the cultural connection is not that far in our past. Her dress also prevents her from easily walking, let alone running away. Her clothing traps her and conveys that message. Her body is displayed through curve and fold, allowing her maiden image to sexually arouse.

And I will go deeper into those meanings in the video.

America is sick. The country is sick with fear and self loathing. I see it in the bravado of militarism. A handful of whacko freak men managed to kill a few thousand souls whom deserved better. Now the leaders we have squabble over who let the idiots into the country and who let those idiots fly planes into working offices. The sickness is in the greed that opens us to whackos from abroad. And we are not considering the whackos who live here amonst us. Our sickness gives the symptom of whackos. An insidious possibility is that those that knew might have been hoping some sort of action would come so that they could do the very things they have done to take more intensive control in their co-op.

The rest of us are trying to figure out how to be appropriately patriotic, defensive, and still solve the major problems we had before the war on terror made discourse almost impossible. Roe vs. Wade may not be a perfect solution, but it is a far better solution than stoning to death women who have been raped and then accused of infidelity. Universal health care might just spend some money on the indigent. Structuring the economy to provide a living wage as a base might eliminate homelessness, but it would threaten the system of exploitation, too. Having the community raise our children as well as Mom and Dad, might not sell as many refridgerators--and I can witness for myself and my neighbors, the children can eat down all the refridgerators in a block pretty quickly--but global warming may slow down as a result.

Do we have it in us to pressure the congres to ratify the international women's treaty? Just because we already enjoy those privileges it seeks to enforce for all women, does that mean we can let the world's sisters suffer while we watch and use up the resources?

Another thing that has been pissing me off is the slamming of the Green Party, of which I am a member. I am a member because the other party, the Demopublicrats, has forgotten about me in favor of some good old boys who aren't even real, Mr. Inc's. I don't want to spoil elections, I want to win elections. I want Green Victories and the Green Platform.

Oh well, I've said my piece; just another feminine voice of love.

Robin

Two Blog Sisters Meet in Maine

Nothing better than a blog sister hangout day. Halley and Elaine had a day on the beach this week. I'm sure they'll post soon filling us in on the details. They must still be emptying sand out of their shoes. In the mean time, here they are, with Elaine sporting a groovy Blog Sisters' shirt! Where'd you get it Crone? I want one too!

Sisters Watch Out!
I'd very much like to know how Blog Sisters feel about one of the questions I asked on my site today. Here it is:
3.) What do you think about the alliance of conservative U.S. Christian organizations with Islamic governments (Iran, Libya, Iraq) "to halt the expansion of sexual political protections and rights of gays, women and children at United Nations conferences" (Washington Post article by Colum Lynch, June 17, 2002)?
I'm appalled by this, but will hold my tongue and see what others have to say. What I really wonder is what we can do about it?

Blogging in Iran

This is an interesting article from the BBC about how people in Iran are finding freedom on the web where they can't get it in 3-space. Very cool. Let's hope that the Iranian government continues to leave internet access and the web free and uncensored. Heaven knows the people there can use a way to express themselves unhindered.

I don't know much about Iran, but what I do know scares me. I had friends, a brother and a sister, in college who were Iranian. Their family had converted to Christianity and left Iran when they were both young, I assume at least in part because of the danger that decision had put them in. My friend Nagmeh had a scar on her forhead where she had been marked in case she ever tried to return to Iran.

This is for Linda -- too long to fit into the comment box...

I have struggled a bit with depression myself, going back to the time I was a teenager. I don't think my depression was anywhere near as extreme as many have to deal with (but it's always so hard to compare -- as you say, it's not tangible, and sometimes you wonder whether you're just being melodramatic). Anyway, back when I was a teenager, that was when I started writing. Writing became a "psychology of survival" for me (a term once used by a friend, which seemed very apt). I wrote a lot of poetry back then, it made my dark, melancholy feelings more tangible, and, perversely, beautiful.

Later, as I began to mature in my coping skills, I distanced myself from writing because I associated it with my depression, and I wanted to get myself out of my head and back into the “real world.” I spent about a year on antidepressants (Paxil/peroxitine), before deciding to cut myself off of them (much to the consternation of my doctor, whom I hadn’t consulted in this decision). The antidepressants worked wonders initially, but I disliked the side effects, which I described at the time as making “looking through my brain feel like trying to see without my glasses” -- they seemed to blur the edges and made me feel slightly stupid. Trying to write a simple essay for school seemed an impossible feat.

However, there was certainly something to the logic behind them, and that’s when I learned to think of my depression not as some dark romantic poetry, but as a simple imbalance of chemicals in my brain. I began to learn how to manipulate my chemistry through things like exercise (endorphins = new chemical to add to the mix), and through keeping a close eye on diet (sugar = impending crashes, caffeine (in moderation) = medicine). I also saw an acupuncturist on a couple occasions, and this worked a small wonder towards revamping my waning energy level, or my “chi” as they called it (aka “get-up-and-go”).

Then I learned to manage what was left through a lot of introspection and learning to understand my psychology (beyond my chemistry), and this I still do. I take note of things which consistently trip off the downward spiral (such as weekends with too much free time and no plans or structure, too much time alone, or allowing myself to become overly tired or hungry), and I make a point to structure my life so that I don’t run into those obstacles -- I keep a very busy life these days, so that free time is something I covet instead of fearing. Free days I structure around exercise -- I’ve learned that part of my depression comes from not having enough channels to release my abundance of mental and physical energy. So I’ve taken up taekwon do, and I avoid the after-work slump by going to my taekwon do classes every evening whether I’m in the mood or not (it’s amazing how difficult it is to feel depressed when you’re walloping the hell out of a bag). I identify things which I know will result in making me feel good (like friends who can make me laugh), and I keep these in the back of my mind as “medicine” to take if I should feel a tinge of depression coming on. I have learned that it’s much easier to manage it preventatively than it is to pull myself out of a pit of despair once I’m in there, so I try really hard to not let myself ever get there.

I remember a conversation I once had in college (which is when it was at its worst) – the guy I was talking to was several years older than me, and I remember talking to him about my depression and asking plaintively whether this would ever go away. And he told me: No. But you will learn to cope with it. And as you do, you will find yourself getting better and better at coping with it. And after a while, you won’t even remember that you’re “coping” anymore.

This is where I’m at now. I sometimes think that my depression is a thing of the past -- just a little melodramatic episode indulged by a less mature self -- but then I’ll relax my “structure” ever so slightly -- I’ll leave myself a long weekend with nothing to do -- and suddenly it will come swooping in with astonishing speed. My chemistry does not change, and yet, I rarely feel a victim to it anymore.

And now I am able to return to writing…which I love like an old friend.

I hope that some of this might be helpful to you – feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk further – though I also know that everyone’s depression is very personal, and what works for one person may not do anything for another. But the trick, I think, is to have faith in yourself and your own resilience and to KNOW that you will get past it -- and don’t, DO NOT allow yourself to get attached to it (this may sound absurd, but it is so true) – and, lastly, think in terms of moving forward through it, not backwards to a time you knew from before.

And of course, miserable beast that it is while you’re in it, you will know yourself so much more deeply once you’re through it. Having to battle with depression made me very much the person I am, and for that I can hardly hate it.

Can there be anything worse than the label "newbie"...

I ask you, as I sit here trembling in delight attempting to make my first (oh, I HOPE this isn't my only) entry to Blog Sisters. I am so tickled to be found worthy to be invited by Elaine to join you. In the few days since my discovery of your blog alliance I've found the entries here and at the Sister sites to be inciteful and more than a little intimidating.

Most of you seem to be professionals well into your careers. I admire and in many ways envy that. I, on the other hand, am a stay-at-home mom. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can already hear your statements, "there's nothing wrong with that, you are just as valid in your choices as the rest of us..." but (can you here that echo?) but, it's not choice that places me here. I worked for many years before I had my youngest son. I worked my way up the ranks in a small independent bank. I felt my career was well in hand (not one I really *wanted* but sometimes you settle, right?). Then an illness struck me that I've fought for the last 7 years.

Um, no, not the "C" word. Don't I wish it were that simple. (Don't get me wrong here, I know cancer is devistating, but at least there's something tangible you can find with an X-ray, MRI or other diagnostic tools) Depression took over my life, deflated my ego and has laid me out. It's part of why I joined Blogger in the first place. I needed a place I could share my emotions and frustration at this fleeting, intangible illness. I wanted to fight, to find the Linda I was when I was 25, the strong and vital woman I know is hiding in this cringing mass of fear and frustration.

The crazy thing is, and I use the term "crazy" rather loosely here :-D, my on-line life, Blogger and a couple of writers' groups I've joined, has helped me find a Linda that I didn't even know existed. She's still strong, maybe not as vital as she was 15 years ago, but she's working on it. But there's this love for putting my own words out there for others to look at (and hopefully admire :-), of which I didn't know I was capable. I'm still fighting to climb from this quagmire of self-doubt and self-despite. I remind myself daily that it's not me, it's what's going on in my brain, and I try to find the little victories every day (Yesterday the little one used the potty 3 times and remembered to poop in it once...now THAT is a victory around here :-D ).

I also add my attempt to reach out, and Elaine's subsequent invitation to join you, as a victory too! I hope that by being drawn into a community of woman like yourselves, I can look at each of you, the beauty each of you offer to the world, your ideas for dealing with the ugliness, and find that ability, that beauty in myself. I want to draw it out and show it like a precious jewel...

Oh my and ewww...sorry for spewing that bit of fluff there...but it is true. :-) I want to draw out all that is good in myself and share it as best I can in an adverse situation. Thank you again, Elaine, for the invitation {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs all my new Blog Sisters}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and thank you Jennifer for pointing the way here.

You Can't Have Love and Patriarchy.
I was going to post this here, but I'm hoping men will read if it's on my own blog.

Invasive species, genetic manipulation, "daughterlessness"

Here is an article from New Scientist that I came across last month. I find it upsetting on so many levels that I am unable to comment.

Indie Brides?

From NPR "Type-A "Bridezillas" often insist on the "perfect" white wedding, with flower petals and bridesmaids' hair colored the same shade. But some women are trying to thwart the wedding industrial complex with wedding potlucks and a dress from Goodwill. Now there's a cottage industry to accommodate the indie bride, replete with Web sites, books and even therapists." Listen to this quite interesting audio. If I get married, this is how it's going.

Helping Pregnant Girls Make it through High School

My dear Adam sent me this interesting article about a high school in Sydney that's making significant efforts toward aiding pregnant teenagers in finishing out high school. This is a really forward thinking idea, and I salute it. It's tough enough to make it through high school without a kid. Helping young mothers (rather than shaming them or ignoring them so that they drop out) benefits not only the girls, but the children who are dependent on them.

Who is she, really!
RageBoy confidante? Cabo Frio groupie? Proud Mama? Hot babe? E-writer extraordinaire? The ultimate Blog Sister? All of the above and more, of course, and you can find out all you ever wanted to know about Jeneane Sessum in her interview with Frank Paynter -- hot, hot, hot off the blogpress NOW!

It's time for some levity!
Martha's way#1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake.

Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. (Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. )

Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #: 7
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine??????

Ventriloquism & Hemingway Heroes

Over the weekend Chris Locke (aka Rageboy) wrote to me that his sister refers to the tendency of women (most notably in business) to act like men as "ventriloquism," a concept found in Folklore studies.

A quick search turned up a paper on this subject by Galit Hasan-Rokem of The Hebrew University in Jerusalem. Hasan-Rokem discusses what she describes as "the garbed or even distorted voice of ventriloquism," in which "a ventriloquist looks as if she or he are quiet and the voice emerges from somewhere else, from somebody else's mouth, very often the mouth of an effigy." Questions arise in instances when ventriloquism is identified as preferable to the true articulation of voice, leading one to ask: Who causes the mouth of the owner of the voice to hide its own voice and to transpose the voice to another, false source? And why? Hasan-Rokem suggests that the answer to this question may be found in experiences with children, in which the authentic mouth is forbidden to utter its speech. Alternatively, it may be ashamed to speak, or have another tactical reason for hiding the source of speech, such as a contrived deception, or simply for play.

This explanation reminds me of so many of the early female voices of literature, which were masked behind the names of men, such as the Bronte sisters, publishing as Currer, Ellis and Acton Bell, and George Eliot, who was really one Mary Anne Evans. Now we are seeing the inverse in the form of the token female at the helm of business, smiling at us from the other side of the glass, but she may in fact be just a mask for what amounts to just another male voice. Much like Hemingway's scarce and notably unfeminine female heroes.

I recall my frustrated response to reading The Sun Also Rises in college -- I was infuriated at his female heroes far more than their male counterparts, namely in the case of Brett Ashley, because she was not in fact a woman at all -- rather she was a female ventriloquist masking a male voice and a male persona. And even more interesting and enraging was the fact that Brett featured not only as the odd heroine, but that Hemingway wrote her onto a pedestal, elevated higher even than Jake (our male protagonist and Brett's failed lover). As I recall, by the end of the story Brett is left standing alone as the one example of a "real man," after all of her male peers have shown themselves to be cowards or failures in some form. In Brett, the Hemingway voice finds not only his ideal human -- a man -- but a man in the bodily form of a woman, whom he could take as a lover and love as a lover, and yet respect as a man.

There is of course nothing wrong with the male voice -- nor is the so-called "male" voice necessarily strictly male, any more than the "female" voice is strictly female. In fact, quite often I find that I am able to express myself sometimes more articulately but no less genuinely through languages that I have picked up from my male peers, or a fusion of those languages and my own.

But I suspect there is a distinction somewhere which finds its source in the notion of "integrity," one definition of which is: the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness. The insult lies in the distortion of a form (a person, a role) into something that it, at its core, is not.

Of course, literature is symbolism, and symbolism tends toward the extremes of black and white to make itself understood -- not so in real life. My lone female CEO I'm sure is no Brett Ashley, but it may just be that the same societal influences that gave birth to Ernest Hemingway, thus in turn giving birth to Brett Ashley, have had a hand in shaping our modern day Hemingway Heroine-style female CEO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hope you popped over to Jeneane to wish her on her 29th (well, close!), 'coz she's going to be quite miffed if you haven't!

Here's something I made yesterday but had trouble uploading since Blogger was giving its usual share of problems.

Pass the cake and champagne around please :)

Birthday Reminder.

I found this site to help me remember Jeneane next year. Kinda fun.

Happy Day for Jeneane!

Let's hear it for Jeneane, the brilliant mind behind Blogsisters! Today is her 29th birthday (heheheh-- that's what my half-sister says when it's her birthday, anyway). Seriously, though, let's all wish her a good day, since she can't be with her hubby.

This is a piece I recently wrote for my own blog site, but I thought it might be of relevance here as well, for the sake of discussion, which I'd love to hear...

we are our own glass ceilings

I am coordinating a conference attended by MIT faculty and financial industry executives. Of 11 faculty and 14 senior executives, only one attendee is a woman. I am appalled that there is only one woman. And I am intrigued by her. In an industry so blatantly ceilinged in glass, who is she and how did she come to break through?

At lunch, I make a point to seat myself at her table. I watch her interactions, her mannerisms. I want to learn something from her; I want her approval.

My first impression is that she seems harder, overtly shrewder than her male peers. The old question: is this because she is, or because we are accustomed to women being gentler and warmer? I note that her gaze is not enveloping and her smile is not warm -- when offered, it is very obviously for effect.

I watch as she does a quick assessment, as introductions are made around the table, of who is important and who is not. I am mildly stunned when she stops short of me -- she does not bother to ask my name or my affiliation. Instead she zones in immediately on the Dean. She dominates the conversation.

However, I am not willing to accept my status of invisible simply because she has decreed it. I know the posture of confidence, and I have learned how to wear it well enough, along with my moderately expensive suit. I make eye contact around the table and join the conversation when I have something to say. The male faculty members acknowledge me, but she does not.

Her only acknowledgement of me throughout the entire meal is an off-handed remark about receptionists and their distaste for being asked to fetch coffee; at which point she looks at me and smiles. For effect.

I am livid.

I am far too professional to react. I smile back. For effect.

But I want to know in what way I communicated myself to be a receptionist. Just last week my boss, also a woman, was remarking on how interesting she finds it that the faculty here (yes, primarily male) speak to me so readily, as if I am a peer rather than a servant, and treat me with respect, as if I am worthy -- me being but a program administrator of junior status. This is surprising to her, and fairly unusual, she tells me, as well as commendable -- me being neither senior in rank nor male in gender. But it is not surprising to me, because when at work I pay a lot of attention to the way in which I present myself -- the ways in which poise, dress, and mannerisms communicate professionalism, status, and whether one expects respect or not. Of course these men respect me: I tell them to in no uncertain terms through an array of non-verbal communication cues.

So how is it then, that this woman dismisses me and my carefully articulated communication cues so quickly, and makes the assumption that I am merely a receptionist with little more on my mind than whether to be peeved should someone ask me for coffee? On what basis has she made this assumption?

If this woman had been a man, I would have thought her a sexist pig right out of the 1950s.

I do not really believe that glass ceilings block women simply because they are women. I believe that the sparse appearance of women at the top has much more to do with how women communicate themselves, the goals we set, where we place our priorities, and quite simply, how much we are prepared to ask for -- or demand. I believe that I can go as far as I like, achieve anything I put my mind to.

But this woman has taken a pretty hefty swing at this belief of mine. Is she an anomaly? Or are we, in this case, as always, our own gender's worst enemy?

Thank you, Fishrush!
A quick analysis described in great mathematical detail by Kent over at fishrush.com indicates Companies run by or employing women in key upper level positions appear to outperform other companies. The girls appear to win. Of course, he does hedge by using the word "appear," and he does stress that his data might not be completely accurate.

BUT, even though, as he admits, his data collecting and analysis is "quick and dirty", it's still impressive. So take a look at see for yourself. Check out the stats he collected that show that the girls can outrun the boys, or at least when it came to business stuff during the first 6 months of 2002, they appear to outperform. If anyone comes up with more information to shed light on this subject, we'd love to know.

Even with Kent's equivocation, we're lookin' goooooood!

Two Down, Eighty Or So To Go??

Frank Paynter, the new Mike Wallace/Barbara Walters of Blogland, strikes again. This was great fun, I highly recommend it. Elaine, you concur? I'm just wondering if he's going to ask about Mike Golby's "co-ed" days, or if he'll save that for the sistas.

Did you know...

...the US is one of the very few countries in the world that has not ratified The Women's Human Rights Treaty?
Amnesty has info.

Single in the USA

If you missed the first part of NPR's new Tuesday series called "Single in America" make sure you take the time to listen to it. Susan Stanberg explores why Americans are waiting longer to get married. According to the story, in our twenties we're finding ourselves instead of jumping head first into marriage. Also, men want their wives to be more independent. Anyway, this is a breathe of fresh air since I'm constantly being criticized for not being married.

What would you tell your (activist) kid?
I've been stumbling around this issue with my son (b!X) for years now, and I'm not sure what I think. It has to do with this question that he posted in a comment related to the rapemonger blogger getting kicked off Blogger. This is his question: Out of curiosity, do people here think that this numrod should be banned from the Internet entirely, or simply from Blogger? Should all blogging providers adopt use policies against such speech?

Truthfully, I don't know where the line should be drawn or if a line should be drawn at all when it comes to "free speech." Now, with Blogger, there's a policy about what kinds of materials are allowed, and since Blogger's a free service, Ev can make any rules he wants. But what about other sites? Should they be allowed -- under the guise of free speech -- to promote raping women? What would you tell your kid about whether or not some things on the internet should be censored? Even if you believe that porn falls under First Amendment protections, what about the kinds of stuff this guy was promoting?

Hee hee
Why stick people are extinct.

I prefer a littlle different spice
While I recognize and accept the cultural signficance of the rappings of Eminem and other males of his ilk, personally, I prefer a little more Salt 'n Pepa:

Now tell me, baby, how many hints must I make before you get the picture
That I like it when you talk to me? You say it loud what you say
Don't shy away, say it to my face, talk sweet to me
Go up and down and go round and do all that
But don't forget that I'm a sister with a thing for the sound
So make a sexy noise when you're on your way down
Yeah, all the way down

I guess I'm just an old '70s "make love not war" type.

Deconstructing Eminem--Comments Brought Up a Level

Ladies, I found the comments under the last Eminem post really interesting, so I'm putting them up into the flow here. They are as follows:

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From Eve:

Actually, much of Eminem's lyrics are just about exactly the same as Dr. Dre's, Snoop Dogg's, NWA's, etc., etc. If you look at it in a certain light, Eminem gets lots of flack because he's white. It's almost as if folks "expect" black rappers to be violent and misogynistic, but when a white rapper does it- god forbid. It could just be another form of racism.

The other part of Eminem is to understand the difference between reality and music. Sometimes it's a matter of art imitating life. But usually it's a way to vent. Or be controvertial. Some of what Eminem talks about is actually right on the money, and that pisses people off to no end.

"When a dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school and they blame it on Marilyn and the heroin... where were the parents at? And look where it's at- middle america now it's a tragedy, now it's so sad to see an upper class city having this happen..." (from "The Way I Am" off of The Marshall Mathers LP)

Most of the problems with all music is that folks miss the point completely and attack the things that make them uncomfortable.

I'm not fond of Eminem's personal life in any way, and I believe that his misogynism, if we are calling it that, is a reflection of a larger cultural misogynism and a general acceptance of violence against women.

I say this because we have too lenient policies on wife beaters and rapists. Women still make less money per hour than men, and are often put in a double bind when the choose to be mothers, not to be mothers, stay home with their children, or work full-time. Women are constantly having to keep guard of their constitutional equality with men- it is perpetually being jepardized by pro-life interests and fundamentalist Christians who wish to keep women subordinated to men at all costs.

Much of rap is a cultural commentary. A rather in-your-face cultural commentary at that. Eminem just happens to be the attack-point du jour.

And one more thing- Lynn Cheney is speaking on behalf of women? Isn't her clan involved in the cultural movement to keep women subordinated to men? So how does that make her better than Eminem?

-------------------------------------------------------

From Andrea

He may have extreme lyrics, but I think he's definitely not simply a dumb jerk who has hate-filled lyrics. There's a sly cleverness and a creepiness to '97 Bonnie and Clyde that goes beyond simple misogynist. For that alone I'll give him some credit.

Not fond of his music (if I'm gonna listen to rap/hip-hop, it'll probably be more upbeat stuff, the Fugees or Erykah Badu), but I think there's more behind his lyrics than the sensationlism and the mindless violent fans allow.

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Eric Raps on Rap

Eric Norlin's latest TDCRC gives some interesting insight into superstar rapper Eminem, born Marshall Mathers. Interesting to me was Eric's description of Eminem's purposeful personas (up to 3), and what he is trying to achieve in his music through their interplay. That the media has focused its attention only on one of those personas--the most abnoxious--is perhaps predictable, but also interesting. It's something I hadn't thought about before.

As Eminem goes, I wasn't quite aligned with Lynn Cheney (Dick's babe), who has labeled Eminem's music "the most extreme example of rock lyrics used to demean women, rock lyrics used to advocate violence against women." I was more in the, "Great, another white boy rapper getting over by pandering to the Kid Rock crowd" camp. Has Eminem gotten a bad rap as a debaser of women? Lover of violence? Lyrical imposter? I'm thinking maybe.

Given Eric's passion for Eminem, I'm going to give him real listen before I decide. That Eric compares Eminem to RageBoy, alone, makes this TDCRC worth the price of admission.

The rapemonger blogger is gone!
Just letting everyone now that the idiot on Blogger who was giving information on date rape drugs on his blog has been banished by Ev. Thanks to zarook.com for alerting us and thanks to all those who contact Ev and asked him to shut the guy down. See, we can make a difference.

Stay In The Game

On Thursdays, I play Scrabble with my 94-year old friend, Ruth. She and I were talking the other day about games. She's played games her whole life and when times are tough, she likes to get out the cribbage board, or dig up the Monopoly game or deal a nice hand of Hearts. She says a big part of life is just learning how to get through the hard times, the lonely times, the sad times -- you just have to learn to stay in the game.

She often asks me if I remember things that I couldn't have possibly lived through, but it's great to have her ask anyway. She told me about a dance she went to once which sounded like so much fun — in 1923 — I think I was there in spirit — I can do quite a knee-knocking Charleston. She asks me if I remember the 1918 Influenza epidemic. I tell her I have read about it. Her father died that year -- she was 10, a young girl in New Hampshire. "That's when I learned to be tough and just get through," she tells me. She talks about some of her favorite Scrabble players, now all dead, but she remembers all the special ways they had of playing — who could come up with the most amazing words, who could play fast as lightning to keep the pressure on their opponent, who always drew too many letters and kindof cheated a bit. She misses them. "I don't know how people get through life without playing games," she says.

This afternoon, Jackson, my 6-year-old son and I are learning new games. He's just starting Scrabble Junior. He's finally learning cribbage with me and leaving the little pegs in my cribbage board alone, instead of playing with them and losing them as he did when he was younger. We're playing an art game called Masterpiece. You buy famous paintings and the values are assigned to them randomly. He's mad he just bought a painting he loves — Edward Hopper's Nighthawks and the value card says "Forgery" which means it's not worth the $4,000,000 in phony money he had to pay. We have a Starbuck's mug with their version of the famous painting on it and he loves that mug. I ask him how the painting makes him feel. "It looks fun to stay up late at night," he says, "but the people look lonely."

Go To The Head Of The Class

I see Rageboy's working on his commencement speech for Eve Ensler's Institute of Vaginal Knowledge. He'll have the coeds rocking back and forth in their seats, oh yes. Those girls just love matriculating. But seriously ... in the rigorous academic environment of Rageboy's employer, the University of Blogaria, with their "publish or perish" tradition, this might just get him tenure and finally, the sabbatical he's been hoping for. Just think, he could spend a whole year in a cabin in the mountains, doing what he does best -- writing.

Join the Quilt
On this site you can submit a jpeg (basesd on their instructions for size etc.) that will be added to The [digital] Quilt of Phenomenal Women. I submitted one ages ago and forgot about it until I got their notification email today. Mine is in the last batch, which is the #63 batch. I want to encourage all Blog Sisters to send one in for yourself, since you all are so phenomenal. I think we should send in a separate one for BlogSisters. Should we have a contest to see who can design the coolest Blog Sisters digital quilt square? What say you? (Everyone who is in the quilt gets to put a logo on her site that says she is part of that project. I just put mine on mine.) Maybe the square can become our logo too? We don't have one, you know; we are using the blogsticker in place of one right now. Any thoughts?

Yes, Andrea, you don't need MoJo
(I'm double posting this because I think Andrea's post deserves a read by all BlogSisters.)
On Andrea's site a beautiful photo of her playing her beautiful acoustic guitar and not the MoJo JoJo special that she wanted so badly to win from Cartoon Network. (Sorry Andrea, I tried.)

Even more beautiful is her post on "forgiveness," triggered by AKMA's recent essays, and brought to home and heart by a very smart young woman who has shown before how wise she is beyond her years.

on our mothers' knees

Glace has an interesting post on the mixed messages of "enlightened" mothers, still chained to popularity and social proprieties. Rings true to me.

To Know Know Know You, Is To Love Love Love You

I was trying to explain the two French words "savoir" and "connaitre" to someone the other day. Both of them mean "to know" but if you speak any French, you are aware that these two words come at knowledge from completely different directions. The verb "savoir" to know, shares the same root as words like savant and scientist and could be called the "knowing" of scientific knowledge. The French "Je ne sais pas" which means "I don't know" is from savoir. The verb "connaitre" gives us the word "connaisseur" and the notion of an "acquaintance" and has a sense of bodily knowing, or knowing through love or appreciation. If I asked in French if you knew Jean-Jacques, I would use the verb, "connaitre," The wine connaisseur is not a "just give me the facts, m'am" kindof guy, but rather someone who can appreciate and gain knowledge by sensual connection. How the heck the English language lost this richness, which romance languages take for granted, is a mystery. Or maybe not.

I was also trying to describe once to a man how it felt to be in my house, in my kitchen, washing dishes and simultaneously "knowing" the mood of my busy toddler on the floor — very happy — the tenseness of my husband upstairs rummaging around his office looking for something he'd misplaced — his abrupt stops and starts and heavy foot fall indicating his frustration — the weather on the cusp of spring and all the anticipation in budding trees and eager animals losing their winter coats, birds renesting — the feeling of the running water beginning to lose heat because I'd been standing there too long and the watertank couldn't handle it, the thought that pasta with asparagus was a perfect thing for dinner and the slight tug at my womb knowing my period was a little late and what the hell this might mean for the current family scene, and last but not least recalling we needed to deposit a check to avoid getting overdrawn, experiencing all of this knowledge in the blink of an eye — on a regular basis. Feeling/Knowing/Intuiting all of this at once — thy name is woman.

You can bet on Balderama
Jennifer Balderama is a well-respected writer in blog circles and as copy chief at CNET News. Check out her very timely and very articulate post on her own weblog that begins "Let's talk about sex."

Claire Braz-Valentine reponds:
Here is her response to my email to her, and I'm glad she responded because there's no indication anywhere I saw that this is a poem.

Thought you might want to post the poem with proper line breaks. Many versions are going around the internet. This is the correct format.
If you access the homepage below you can hear me read it.
Thanks,
claire

AN OPEN LETTER TO JOHN ASCROFT, ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES

On January 28, 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft, announced that he spent $8000 of taxpayer’s money for drapes to cover up the exposed breast of The Spirit of Justice, an 18ft aluminum statue of a woman that stands in the Hall of Justice.

John, John, John,
you’ve got your priorities all wrong.
While men fly airplanes into skyscrapers,
dive bomb the pentagon,
while they stick explosives into their shoes,
and then book a seat right next to us,
while they hide knives in their luggage,
steal kids on school buses,
take little girls from their beds at night
drive trucks into our state capital buildings,
while our president calls dangerous men all over the world
evildoers and devils,
while we live in the threat of biological warfare
nuclear destruction,
annihilation,
you are out buying yardage
to save Americans
from the appalling
alarming, abominable
aluminum alloy of evil,
that terrible ten foot tin tittie.
You might not be able to find Bin Laden
But you sure as hell found the hooter in the hall of justice.

It’s not that we aren’t grateful
But while we were begging the women of Afghanistan
To not cover up their faces
You are begging your staff members to
Just cover up that nipple
To save the American people
From that monstrous metal mammary
How can we ever thank you?

So, in your office every morning
in your secret prayer meeting.
while an American woman is sexually assaulted every 6 seconds
while anthrax floats around the post office
and settles in the chest of senior citizens,
you’ve got another chest on your mind.
While American sons arrive home in body bags
and heat seeking missiles
fly around a foreign country
looking for any warm body
you think of another body.
And you pray for the biggest bra in the world John
because you see that breast on the spirit of justice
in the spirit of your
own inhibited sexuality.
And when we women see
our grandmothers, our mothers, our daughters, our granddaughters,
our sisters, ourselves,
when we women see that
statue the spirit of justice
we see the spirit of strength
the spirit of survival.
While every day
we view innocent bodies dragged out of rubble
and women and children laid out
like thin limp dolls
and baptized into death as collateral damage
and the hollow eyed Afghani mother’s milk has dried
up underneath her burka
in famine in shame
and her children are dead at her breast.

While you look at that breast John
that jug on the spirit of justice
and deal with your thoughts of lust
and sex and nakedness
we see it as a testimony motherhood
And you see it as a tit.

It’s not the money it cost.
It’s the message you send.
We’ve got the right to live in freedom.
We got the right to cheat Americans out
of millions of dollars and then
just not want to tell congress about it.
We’ve got the right
to drop bombs night and day
on a small country that has no army,
no navy, no military at all,
because we’ve got the right to bear arms
but we just better not even think
about not the right to bare breasts.
So now John you can be photographed
while you stand there and talk about
guns and bombs and poisons
without the breast appearing over your right shoulder
without that bodacious bosom bothering you
and we just wanted to tell you
in the spirit of justice
in the spirit of truth
John
there is still one very big boob left standing there in that picture.

Claire Braz-Valentine

http://homepage.mac.com/clairebraz/

Three Months Young and We Are Kicking Some Ass

Can I just stop here for a minute. Okay. good. You know what? Blog Sisters just passed its three-month anniversary May 24, and that means I get to take a second to say holy cow. Look at the ground we've covered as a collective group of women's voices. Look at what this place has become. I am so thrilled and honored to be among the voices who have made this blog their second home.

Elaine and I must have received four requests from women looking to join over the last week--it's like that most weeks. We're growing and learning and reading and talking, and it is just the most wonderous thing to me. I can't believe I actually woke up with an idea in the middle of the night that WORKED! And, dear President Elaine, I couldn't do it without ya. Anyone who hasn't read Frank Paynter's interview with Elaine (details two posts down), should get over there and see what makes this Lady tick.

So that's all. I just had a little tear in my eye (that wasn't related to my sinus infection) and had to share. Kiss kiss ladies!

-jeneane

Interesting, long life

Mildred Wirt Benson, who wrote the Nancy Drew books under the pen name Carolyn Keene, has died at age 96. Here is the New York Times story.

My sister & I loved our well-worn copies of those books!

I'm either very brave or very stupid.
Last week, over a series of e-mails, Frank Paynter interviewed me, and everything I told him is now out there for the whole world to read. (Or at least the whole world who read his weblog.) He asked me, and I told him. The truth. Just about all of it. I hope that I won't be sorry. (I told my kids that they can disown me if they want to.)

the google referrers

There is no end to the fun of checking the site meter at the bottom of this blog to see what people "search up" on google that brings them here. Today's favorite:

pictures of women shrinking men and eating them

heh.

Sarah Fisher Finishes At Indy!

She's a serious contender in the IRL. She's been blogging for ABC. And today she's some quarter-million dollars richer after crossing the finish line for the first time at the Indy 500. Congratulations, Sarah! If you're interested in women speed demons and other tidbits about today's race, Bag and Baggage has more.

Here's my Porn is Fake graphic:


I also have this merch, which I'm not charging a profit one. Just the base manufacture price. Already got a BBQ apron for my SO :D

admin

Hey ladies. A couple of administrative notes. First, I added a site meter to the bottom of this blog. Thanks to Halley for telling me how! Also, Elaine and I were throwing around a couple of ideas about burning issues for June. But nothing has bubbled to the top. Any ideas? Please leave a post or comment. Have a relaxing weekend!

jeneane

I really dig Dervala
So does Tom Shurgart, who cited a very revealing "guide for male supervisors adapting to the influx of women workers during World War II" that Dervala discovered. Well, some things have changed, I guess. These days, Dervala is awfully busy, so there's no time to jump into our gangblog. But check her out anyway. And Tom's a good guy. You might want to take a peek at his blog too and read his current post on "Passion and Envy" -- about his appreciation of the passion that his wife feels for her therapist vocation.

Porn's Fake -- Girls are Real

Make your own fake pornography pages!
These women aren't necessarily anti-porn, but are definitely dismayed by the sheer proliferation of it on the internet. What I appreciate is their plan of action. Just wish they wouldn't call women "girls". O vell.

Re: the Rapist Blogger

There are pretty clear guidelines listed in the Blog*Spot terms of service, and I think, Elaine, what you brought up clearly violates this one:

You agree to not use the Service to:
(a) upload, post or otherwise transmit any Content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable;

Violations can be reported to admin@pyra.com, so Elaine, report that jerk! Unfortunately, we can't completely silence the bastard, but at least we can make it a little bit harder to display his disgusting, inhuman vitriol.

Something else we can do, in a bigger way, is encourage young women to educate themselves about ways to prevent being victimized like this. Date rape is the most common kind of rape, but there are ways to avoid it if a woman is sensible and knows how to protect herself. My dad has a background in law enforcement, and when I got to a certain age, he made sure to teach me a few things, like how to get your arm back if someone grabs you by the wrist, no matter how hard or what way they grip it, or what to do if someone tries to force a kiss (bite down hard, on their lip, until you've bitten all the way through-- grim, but effective).

Is there anything we can do?
A non-Blog Sister blogger asked me if there's anything that can be done to get a misogynist asshole banned from Blogspot. (I had linked to him, but then took Shelley's advice and took the link out.) As this woman emailed me, The article - GUIDE TO RAPE DRUGS FOR POTENTIAL RAPISTS is absolutely disgusting and I'd like to see this guy lose his account at the very least.

I understand the First Amendment, but can we band together and contact Ev about what hateful and dangerous stuff this guy is putting on his blogspot site? Are there guidelines for Blogger and Blogspot? Please, comment here. What can we do? Anything?

Here's how the article starts:
The internet is a wonderful thing. The hype is true...we are creating a global community here. I am proud of this and I am aware that to ignore the advantages of the information age would be socially irresponsible. I know there are many of you out there who could be rapists, but are not brash enough to get a rape kit together and grab a woman off the streets. Some of you are too timid to even commit the most enjoyable kind of rape: Date Rape. I am sure RAPE DRUGS are for you. If this post results in just ONE woman getting raped, than my work is done. Without further ado, here is my guide to rape drugs.

And then he goes on to give just the information he promised -- in detail. *Retch* Isn't there some way we cut off his virtual balls?

Frank Paynter resurrects my AHA!
(This is a double post; it's on my site as well. Just wanted to make sure you didn't miss it!)

Back in the early feminist seventies, we were all having AHAs! -- that was how one women writer back then (who, of course, I can't remember where or when) described the moment when we realized what had been holding us back, what had been making us angry. In the course of his e-mail interviews with me, Frank Paynter unearths the Ms. Magazine article that changed my life. My AHA! Read it here.

I had a chance to actually meet Lilly Rivlin, who wrote the article, several years ago when some of us who had contributed to Which Lilith: Feminists Writers Re-Create the First Woman -- including the editors -- gathered in a theater in Kinderhook, NY to read our pieces. What a phenomenal woman! We hugged a lot, cried a little, she gave me her card and then we each went off in our own direction to follow our chosen paths. But I've never forgotten her or how her words changed my life.

Why men behave badly
According to this very interesting study (what would we do without them?), women who want to know if their men will stray, should check out their testosterone levels.

Imagine this conversation:

Wife: Are you cheating on me?

Man: Of course, not darling, I don't even look at other women any more.

Wife: I feel you've lost interest these days...

Man: Oh darling, it's just that there's so much on my mind these days... And then there's the kids, paying the bills, bringing home the bacon, blah..blah..blah...

This could actually be a valid excuse!

"Scientists at Harvard University have discovered that married men who spend time with their family have lower testosterone levels than bachelors." - Read it here.

So if the husband feigns a headache and looks tired and uninterested, you know what to blame - marriage and the kids! Don't say we didn't warn you now!

There is a Goddess

Seems like the new book "Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children" -- which warns women that having a career first could leave them childless and miserable in middle age -- the book just isn't selling. Which is remarkable, considering it was hyped on Oprah, Time magazine, GMA, 60 Minutes ... Are women rejecting this tripe once and for all? It;'s only #430 on the Amazon top-sellers list; nowhere on the NYT bestseller list.

Double standards?
When men are unfaithful or lust after other women (even while they are in a steady or satisfactory relationship) it is just an extension of their sexuality.

"While they can control themselves through social and emotional restraints, it is considered "normal" for men to desire a number of women."

On the other hand, when women are unfaithful, then they need a good reason - like an unfulfilling marriage or a bad relationship.

"The feminist solution has been to argue that women simply cheat for the "right" reasons -- be it sexual or emotional freedom. This in turn implies that the most widely acknowledged cause for male adultery -- the desire for variety -- is simply "wrong"... When we claim women cheat for "better" reasons, we are being unfair, though less to men than to women. Beneath this celebratory rhetoric is an archaic and repressive vision of female sexuality. Implicit in this type of reasoning is the idea that married women have to provide worthy motives for straying -- be it emancipation or love."

Read the whole feature here.

Getting Girls Behind the Wheel

For some reason, I was watching WE (I don't normally watch "women's" networks, because I'm too eclectic and I just need a good dose of the Man Show or something every now and then), and they have this program called "Cool Women." This particular episode struck close to home as they featured Dawn Riley, a woman to participate in the first co-ed America's Cup team (for non-sailing people, the America's Cup is a big deal sailing race). Definitely a cool woman, who really loves sailing (after my own heart!).

Even cooler, I notice that a foundation she runs, called America True, has a program for girls to teach them about sailing tall ships. Oooh! I drool in envy. I'm definitely going to have to find something to sail this summer. It's been too long.

Lovely Paintings

NancyCentral | The Paintings and Drawings of Nancy Spoelhof
I ran into an exhibition of this woman's work at the Momi Toby cafe in Hayes Valley, SF, CA.

Plagiarism

My first post!

I have been doing some reflecting on plagiarism in my journal. It is a subject that has been in The Chronicle of Higher Education a lot recently, with articles about both students and faculty. It has even received some attention in other places, because of the allegations about the works of "popular" scholars (Stephen Ambrose, Doris Kearns Goodwin, David McCullough, Joseph Ellis, etc.)

I have always found it very disturbing, and now it has become personal. At the end of the week, just before grades were due, I discovered five current students, teamed with five former students (all graduating seniors) cheating in my class. I won't duplicate my many thoughts on this difficult episode here, but there is one thing about it that might concern gender.

First, a little background is needed: the five current students handed in term papers that were identical to papers submitted by students last semester, and two of the students also handed in midterms and final exams that were identical to former students' work.

Four of the five current students are male, and four of the five former students are female. That might be completely unrelated (this ordeal was so painful that I am sure of nothing right now, plus I am so very tired), or it may say something about power, relationships, manipulation, roles...?

Is this a f***ing joke or what???

Backward view of the role of women
Hey, Tooley! Bridget Jones's mom was just as neurotic as Bridget AND she was a Stay-at-Home Mom!

Making the Right Connection
I found the post on Anita Bora's blog about how to choose the right mate very relevant to my feelings about the relationship between my daughter and son-in-law and prior posts here about boyfriends. Anita links to an article in the Christian Science Monitor that makes some points that should be obvious but, unfortunately, rarely are. For example:
This choice has more to do with the eventual success of your marriage than everything else combined that you do after you get married," says this voice of experience. "If you choose someone who is highly compatible, it feels almost effortless; if you are mismatched, it's all hard work and good intentions."

Duh. It took me 14 years of hard word and good intentions before I figured out that we were mismatched.

Check out the CS article to learn the 29 dimensions [that relationship counselor Neil Clark Warren says] must be "matched and managed" for a relationship to succeed

Kindergartner Expelled Because Mom's a Stripper

This just infuriates me. A Christian school finds out a 5 year old's mother is an exotic dancer (not illegal, by the way) and expels the child. The logic: the other children should not be exposed to such immorality. But the kid isn't being immoral -- she didn't even know what her mom did for a living. I have tangled with Capitol Christian Center before -- I was defending women's health clinics from their violent attacks. When they wanted press, they would make a scene by giving their children posters of dismembered fetuses (always good to expose children to that) and put them in the street in front of moving cars to disrupt traffic. Talk about abusing children in the name of God.

As Usual, He's Right-on
It's more Chris Locke than RageBoy, but it's still THE "voice" that we all know and love speaking the truth of the web. And you can even hear his actual mellow tones as he talks to Tess Vigeland on NPR's Morning Marketplace about the marvels of weblogging. According to Chris, the program's editors cut out a lot of his references to specific webloggers, but what they left in is his right-on take on what's really important about weblogging, and that's what matters most. It's worth the listen

More on Manufacturing Post-Feminism

As an addendum to brooke's link to that incredible and succinct article, Manufacturing Postfeminism, by the fabulous Susan J. Douglas...

Everybody who received this article from me was justly blown away. Even those of us (yes, myself included) who might have, at one time or another, denied the existence of a backlash. For further reading enjoyment from the same writer, Where the Girls Are : Growing Up Female With the Mass Media, was very highly recommended to me.

TBIO
There are some sites "out there" that are NOT turning beauty inside out, but rather upside down. Being sexual at an earlier age, and being comfortable talking about sex at an earlier age is not necessarily wrong. It seems that everything moves much faster than when I was growing up. What's my point here? There are things far worse, and worth fighting against than people magazine's top beauties of the year. Check out what Wired, MSNBC, and NOW have to say about Lil Amber, the "new media" and preteen model web sites. Find out what "legal child porn" is. And how does one survive the Mommy from hell? I was especially struck by the mother after reading Elaine's post on her site, in which she describes her visit with her daughter who is expecting. Who your parents are is the first roll of the dice in the crapshoot, but you don't even get to be the roller!

Whew!
Well, it's still before midnight on the East Coast, and I managed to post about TBIOD on my site before it's the next day. There's so much more we could and should all say, and Andrea's new site makes it possible to share more of our personal perspectives on that issue, so thanks, Andrea. Meanwhile, good night all you beautiful BlogSisters.

Get Up Early, Stay Up Late

Or whatever you have to do. But be sure to catch Chris Locke tomorrow morning on Marketplace Morning Report with Tess Vigeland.

Rumor has it Locke gets deep into blogging in his talk with Tess, and also gives his take on the exciting stuff women are doing within the blogging medium--including blogsisters, among others. Tess found the subject pretty fascinating and has extended the segment to several minutes. Sisters, what we're doing IS fascinating. Check here to find out if your local radio station carries the show. It should also be linked off the site sometime tomorrow morning.

When Chris does an interview, it's worth the listen, even if we end up on the cutting room floor.

6:50 a.m. here in Atlanta on WABE-FM 90.1. See you there.

Pant....pant....
Wow, I go away for an overnight to visit my daughter in Boston, and I'm missing all kinds of chances to Comment on all of these great posts from the Sisters. And I've got all kinds of stuff I want to blog about the notion of beauty, and I will as soon as I feed the cat, check on my mom, unpack, eat something.......

It will probably be midnight before I get to it all, but it is TBIO day, and I don't want to miss putting something on my blog about that and reading everyone else's. So, I'd better get to it all....... Stay tuned.

Women Wearing Wool

Willa blogged this and I thought it fit into the TBIOD theme.

TBIOD Effort

Well, here is mine. I'll be publicizing it on my own blog/site as well. It's a little less than I wanted to do, but I ran short on time. I also created a CafePress store, the proceeds of which I'm planning to donate to New Moon Press. Feedback is welcome.

Post Script

Raging Hormones Menopausal Prozac Barbie sold for a grand total of $823.46.

Perhaps I should start pondering other interesting ways to mutila-- er, I mean, "dress up" Barbie and sell them on eBay...

okay, so i've been a little cranky too.

Ladies, I'm sorry for my crankiness of late and my outloud wonderings about how and why women bother to live without men, when I know full well that this is a choice and a reality of many women. Being alone and happy with it. I on the other hand am married, but am alone for three months (maybe more), a kind of unique predicament, except for military wives, which my cellular phone carrier assumed I was the other day when I called and suspended service on my husband's phone until sometime in July.

Which brings us to the present. I am, pure and simple, a bundle of pent up female energy with no place to go. I think I could twist like a tornado through my neighborhood taking down every house and tree in my path. And this clearly is not good. Which brings me to my rather unusual question.

Does anyone know where I can buy a waterproof cordless phone to bring into the shower with me? (Blog sisters are itching their collective heads, followed by Ah ha!) Today I called my love on my regular cordless phone and I'm quite sure the water did some damage. This cannot go on. The cordless phone is my life line in more ways than one. And when I mentioned it to my husband, he said, "Ask the Blog Sisters--They'll know."

You can laugh. You can call me a helpless, useless lonely soul. Or, you can give me a link. The choice is yours.

Manufacturing 'Post-Feminism'

"Post-feminism" is a conservative construct to help women feel better about not giving a shit about the fact that there is still not equality between gender at the most basic level -- like, say, the paycheck. First, they turned "feminism" into a dirty word by convincing women that feminists are angry childless lesbians who hate men, then shoved the knife in farther with studies about how women in the workforce are neglectful of their children and susceptible to heart disease and stroke. Now, we have a new mantle for those who have bought this line (often while enjoying the fruits of the feminist movement): "post-feminist." And the corporate media are the No. 1 promoters of the idea.

I don't know about esrogen but...

Did I see this here already? If so, I apologize for being redundant. But I thought it was interesting in light of Jeneane’s posting about women in the work place. It would seem that Phyllis Chestler has written a book about Women’s Inhumanity to Women.
“Chestler begins with a run-through of the scientific and historical evidence on female violence. Among primates, evolutionary psychologists have found, females often bid for “alpha” status by trying to sabotage the reproductive cycles of their sisters. Mother lemurs and chimps have been known to kill and even cannibalize their competitors’ babies.”
She has a psychodynamic/mythic theory.
“Some of this behavior, Chesler believes, can be explained by psychoanalytical theory. She speculates that women’s penchant for indirect aggression results from the frustrated romance of the mother-daughter bond. Longing for intimacy, girls may be enraged to find that their mothers reserve most of their affection for their husbands. To this Chesler adds a portrait of the “Demetrian” mother—named for the goddess Demeter, who kept her grown daughter Persephone in tow six months a year—who feels betrayed when her child shows signs of independence.”
And as for the work place…
“This is not to suggest, Chesler hastens to add, that women alone are to blame for women’s inhumanity. Another culprit (needless to say) is the “patriarchy,” especially in today’s male-dominated workplace. She cites a study showing that female economists were more likely than their male counterparts to reject the proposals of women for National Science Foundation funding—a result, Chesler asserts, of women having to compete among themselves for a few token positions. Nor are things any better in office settings, where women obey the dictates of various dysfunctional “gender standards.” Thus, some female managers pretend to be caring mother figures in order to suppress dissent and demands for money, while others act, as one of Chesler’s subjects put it, like “male-impersonators.”
More here.

Specially Formulated Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family-size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts".

More on women-only/majority workplaces

Interesting discussion on Burning Bird here where who should rush to my defense? Gentlemen. Thanks guys.

I particularly find what Tom Graves says there interesting:

"Dysfunctional behaviours in so-called 'male-dominated' environments have been much-studied, and have been the source of much finger-pointing by blame-oriented (nominal) 'feminists' and others. Dysfunctional behaviours in 'female-dominated' environments have rather noticeably not been studied - or rather, when they have, the results have often been either passively or actively suppressed, because they're not pretty, and don't _at all_ conform to those merry stereotypes about "sugar and spice and all things nice"... (cf. the US National Family Violence Survey, which for thirty years has consistently shown women as _more_ violent than men, in physical violence - let alone non-physical, at which women have always 'excelled')."

Fascinating. I'd like to think that Shelley's account is truth:

"To be honest, I've not really noticed that much of a difference, good or bad, in overall behavior of a group based on the sex of the upper management. Regardless of the preferred expression -- tears or words or actions -- excessive emotionalism at work occurs in both sexes. Sex of the boss, number of men or women in the group, sex of your co-workers -- none of these purely sex-based characteristics play into this one."

But I still say, after having survived two work environments of primarily women, from leadership on down, it's different. In my experience, not good different. You'd think, wouldn't you, that the woman president and CEO at one of these companies, a mother herself, would have somehow been a little more understanding when I nearly died after giving birth to my child and needed a second surgery--meaning I was out two sets of 8 weeks (instead of one) on disability. Oh, don't think they were paying me during that time. Silly. No paid maternity leave there. And isn't it interesting that when push came to shove, she was able to lay off this star performer of the company with a five-week-old-baby at home. What did the rest of the girls do on layoff day? Had a pizza lunch together. Mmmmm. Warm and fuzzy, isn't it?

I learned my lesson. I look for diversity in a workplace, not assuming I'm "safe" because I'm with a group of women. I like ethnic diversity, diversity of the genders, and whatever the hell other diversity I can find. It tends to dilute the psycho factor when we unrelated humans gather to complete tasks for money.

And you may say, what about Blog Sisters? We're all women? And Iove talking with everyone here, and hearing the amazing opinions, and learning from you. But I'm not sure it would be the same if we were showing up to work together every day instead of hanging out here talking about life.

estrogen heavy workplaces and homes

Elaine and I have a discussion going on over at my place that might be better discussed here. It's about the overwhelming femaleness I'm feeling in my house mothering my girl child with my husband gone for three months. The shrillness of energy (not always positive, sometimes positive) I feel in my home without him here, and the way my daughter is fighting to change into a four-year-old woman with him away, has me dismayed.

I compared this feeling to the women-majority (close to woman only at some points) company I worked for here in Atlanta that was one step away from a looney bin. Elaine had a wonderful experience at the almost-women-only business she worked for. She attributes that experience in part to the femaleness of the place. In the same way, I attribute the hysterical nature (and it was--most days someone was crying or storming out) of the place I worked for to the absence of the other half of our species, whose mere presence I think would have perhaps kept our highs from going so manic and our lows from going so depressive. Maybe with the right woman in charge a workplace can emulate the best of women? And maybe with the wrong woman in charge, you get what I got at that psych ward that was my job for 4 years.

Am I insane? Probably just missing my man. What a woman. ;-)

Elaine, you're still my hero.

Happy Mother's Day!
To all of you mothers out there.

Men and Self Help

Has anyone else wondered about the self help industry? I see a large number of wealthy white guys selling programs for us to improve our lives. I see a lot of wealthy white guys running off to the Cayman Islands to deposit large checks hidden behind corporate "bodies." I mean really, who is going to put "Enron" in jail, or "Global Crossing," or "Arthur Anderson?"
Who pays? We do. Oh yes, I do admit my jealousy. Like Mrs. Lay, I too would like to have so much that when I want to get rid of a few things I would have to do as she and open my own store. I would love for a man to buy me a white Caddilac SUV with Blue velor interior, "Here honey," as he hands me the keys, "I got this for you as a token of my love." To the Devil with the Diamonds!. But no, I get stuck doing data entry and having my ideas dismissed. My 1987 Ford Taurus Wagon works and so I must assume it is the perfect car for me.
At one time I came to a point in my life where I had to join a recovery group. I was a sloshed sister. The recovery literature was he/him focused. God was a man (no more! Thank you Starhawk). Some recovery and new age types will tell me that I am perfect just the way I am. Then why is it necessary to go out and buy Spiritual self help programs? I am perfect just the way I am.
Yet sometimes I am caught in the youth worship thing. I mean I do not have that "Victoria's Secrets" body (are stretch marks art?) and I am always getting caught up in worrying over my weight. Scientists say diets cause muscle loss, and the weight comes right back. Exercise works but with three jobs and trying to improve myself for those golden jingles of coinage that make greater privilege possible, there is precious little time for exercise. But then am I not perfect just the way I am? Yes!
Okay so I am getting older. Divorce cleared away the dead wood, but left precious little intimacy (if there ever was any). My boys are grown and doing their things, I am proud of them, even though they inherited the family disease. Older doesn't make for a "Secrets" Girl anymore either. And still, I am perfect just the way I am.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have to go out in public in a sack from head to toe. If we love and cooperate we are told we will eventually win out over sepratism, hatred, and evil, because we are perfect just the way we are.
How do I know? The Goddess told me so.
Robin

This is fun.

Hey…I just figured out how to use the key to the kingdom, so this is my first post. Thanks Elaine and Jeneane! I though you all might like to see Jennifer Portnick’s page. She’s pretty amazing.

RIP Kevyn Aucoin.

As a matter of fact, diamonds are not my best friend.

Tonight's 60 Minutes II features an ecstatic report on "clean" (vs. "conflict") diamonds coming out of Canada.

It's estimated that approximately 4% of all diamonds are mined out of war torn parts of Africa. Sales of these diamonds fuel fighting in Angola, Sierra Leone and the Congo. There is almost no way of assuring whether a rock is clean. There are no brands and no way of telling where a diamond originated. That said, I have never wanted a diamond. As a matter of fact, if I were ever presented with a rock that is clean with 100% certainty, I still would refuse it. Diamonds hardly represent glamour to me. Au contraire, when I see rocks, I see malnourished and amputee children. I see blood. Lots of blood.

Consider me like you would an anti-fur person who won't even wear fantasy fur.

That said, I did a little Google search on this topic and wouldn'tcha know... Those Canadian diamonds ain't so clean.

Trim And Fit, Not The Same

In keeping with TBIOD, here's a story about a San Francisco exercise instructor who won a weight bias proceeding against Jazzercize, under a city ordinance that barred the company's "fit appearance" criteria. [link via Heather at Held In Contempt] More evidence: RHMP Barbie isn't looking exactly healthy... (great find, Andrea!)

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Interesting post below from Anita, given my recent blog about my attraction to Tin Men and Fallen Angels. So, I went and read the first chapter of the Nice Guy book, which you can get online. It seems to me that Glover is advocating that men go the same route toward self-actualization that we women (some of us) have been trying to go. He tells men to:
-learn effective ways to get your needs met
-begin to feel more powerful and confident
-cereat the kind of intimate relationship yo really want
-learn to express your feelings and emotions
-have a fulfilling and exciting sex life
-embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relaionships with men
-live up to your potential and become truly creative and productive
-accept yourself just as you are.

If we read this advice with any reference to "men" being replaced by "women," we'd be saying Right On! What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

And actually, I think that, perhaps, Glover is trying to help men become self-actualized, but couching it all in a marketing approach that might actually get men to read the book.

Where are the nice guys?
They are a disappearing breed and now we know why!

This site promises you (if you are a nice guy, of course) to help you break free from this syndrome.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy! presents a proven plan to help passively pleasing men stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in love and life," is the promise on this page.

And who qualifies as a nice guy? Some of the characteristics:

• Nice guys seek the approval of others.
  
• Nice guys try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
  
• Nice guys put other people's needs and wants before their own.
  
• Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim.
  
• Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy.
  
• Nice guys co-create relationships that are less than satisfying.
  
• Nice guys create situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
  
• Nice guys frequently fail to live up their full potential.

Dr Robert Glover is the not very nice man behind all the mischief!

The bottom line: A man cannot be 'nice' and have what he wants in love, life and sex!

Unbelievable, but true! Check it out and tell us what you think.

FORTUNE - How to &#$@ Manage Like Sharon Osbourne
Somehow I've found myself in deep admiration of this woman.

Even Barbie can learn that looks aren't everything

Yes, in "honor" of TBIOD, it's:

RAGING HORMONES MENOPAUSAL PROZAC BARBIE

It defies all logic and sense, and it can be yours if you win this eBay auction.

Boy, do those boys have a long way to go!
Two links via Sister Esta’s blog that show what dangerous dumbasses some members of that other gender still insist on being:
-- one reporting that officials estimate that more than 200,000 women and girls — one-quarter of all women trafficked globally — are smuggled out of Central and Eastern Europe and the former Soviet republics each year, the bulk of whom end up working as enslaved prostitutes. Almost half are transported to Western Europe. Roughly a quarter end up in the United States. Human rights activists say the numbers do not tell the full story, because most women remain silent rather than turn to frequently corrupt authorities for help.

-- the other explaining how The Saudi government is cracking down on factories producing versions of women's cloaks that violate religious rules.... a Saudi religious ruling requires a "decent woman's" cloak to be thick and non-revealing, not body hugging, and devoid of decorations or markings that would attract public attention, the newspaper said.

HOWEVER, I think Blog Sisters should give a “One of the Really Good Guys” award to Tom Shugart, who decided to give his "Huh?..Lemme See If I Got That Straight" Award to Newsweek’s Kenneth L Woodward, who gives his opinion of the clerical mess in the Catholic Church. Shugart lifts the following two quotes from Woodward’s piece:

My main concern is that ordaining women would fatally feminize a religion that already appeals far more to women than to men.

As I see it, the last bastion of male presence in the church is the altar and the pulpit. I would hate to see the priesthood turn into an essentially female calling.

I think that Blog Sisters needs to institute a "Woeful Weeny" award to bestow on guys like Woodward.

All of these antiquated attitutes, designed to keep women relegated only to those positions where men can control them, make me want to puke -- preferably all over those stupid Neanderthals.

All the more reason to TURN BEAUTY INSIDE OUT. Get with it Sisters. Some of us already have the mini-poster on our own blogs. What about the rest of us????

Heartless Bitches International

Divine Secrets
If you haven't yet read The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, do it. And before the movie comes out because no movie can capture the way that the book reveals the poignancy and complexity of relationships among these "lifelong friends who stage a rather unorthodox intervention to help a young playwright unravel the truth about her complicated, eccentric mother, find forgiveness and acceptance, and let go of her painful past." I think that even Helene Cixous would approve of the novel.

But even if you don't have time to read the book, go see the movie anyway. I can't wait!!

Cixous says...

Before I go off to distract myself further, this, from Helene Cixous, the dreamweaver that woke me up one night with the idea for Blogsisters.

"The origin of the gesture of writing is linked to the experience of a disappearance, to the feeling of having lost the key to the world, to have been thrown outside. To have acquired all of a sudden the feeling of something precious, rare, mortal. To have to find again, urgently, an entrance, breath, to keep the trace. We have to make the apprenticeship of Mortality."

If I had a day all to myself

I think I would do a blog-a-thon, a marathon blogging session to see how much could come spilling out of my head in a 24 hour writing frenzy. But I don't. Have a day to myself, that is. And that's okay. Because having a darling 4 year old is much more important and rewarding. Still. So much sitting back in my spinal chord that needs to freeflow to the front of my ever-shrinking brain. I got a headache with it sitting where it is. But that's how it is. Personality split three ways, maybe more. The job of mother.

Off to see E.T now.

'kay. bye.

More and more TBIO
Check out the new "Blog Sisters News" item that the Jeneane has posted and get involved in our first-ever monthly Burning Issue. See Andrea's post, below, on ways to do that. Copy the Blogsisters TBIO graphic and put in on your own blog, along with whatever else you're moved to add to the conversation. And start looking for and suggesting specific Burning Issues for future months. Let's use our collective voice to make some loud far-reaching, and meaningful sounds.

TBIO continued

Elaine, your idea is excellent, and I like the way the graphic is going. I'm definitely in on this too! I have an idea related to one of my first "poetry collections" that I made, wherein much of the poetry dealt with self-image. I hope to draw something together and post it on my own blog on the fifteenth. I would like to add my encouragement to the Sisters to not just make a simple post, but to really use their talents to speak eloquently in their own unique ways about dealing with body image and self image, whether through art, poetry, personal stories, crafts (as suggested in the comments), whatever. This deserves more time than simply one day. It's a worthy campaign. :-)

I remember when I was twelve or thirteen, and my peers were helping to make me miserable every school day (and I was helping make myself miserable right along with them). In a burst of tears I told my mom, "I feel like everyone else is a butterfly and I'm just a moth." What I didn't know then is some moths look like this, and I was judging myself by an unrealistic (and untrue!) standard.

Body image issues are certainly getting to a disturbing state when people who have starved their own child think the kid is starting to get "chubby" after being taken away and put on a normal diet. Newsflash to the clueless: all healthy one-year-olds look a little chubby. It's called baby fat and it's normal.