En Fuego! Oh...

Remember when Arizona was burning down, way back at the start of the summer, and Walnuts went on television to tell the nation it was probably the illegals’ fault?

"We are concerned about, particularly, areas down on the border where there is substantial evidence that some of these fires are caused by people who have crossed our border illegally," McCain said Saturday at a press conference, according to CNN.

Yeah, not so much.

A Tucson man and his cousin have been charged with causing the largest wildfire in Arizona history.

David Wayne Malboeuf, 24, of Tucson, and Caleb Joshua Malboeuf, 26, of Benson, were charged in connection with the Wallow Fire, which started May 29 in the Apache Sitgreaves National Forest.

The blaze scorched more than 538,000 acres in Eastern Arizona and part of Western New Mexico and destroyed 32 homes, four commercial buildings and 36 outbuildings before it was contained July 8.

A Forest Service investigation found the fire started when a campfire, left unattended by the Malboeufs in the Bear Wallow area, spread out of the fire ring and quickly spread in high winds.

Umm, yay Tucson? McCain supporters are rushing to the comments to remind us that the senator didn’t specify the Wallow fire, despite his statement coming when that particular biggest, craziest fire in Arizona history was full-on raging, not just in the woods but in the national news, and everyone was talking about God having finally decided to just torch the place because we’re kinda stupid out here (see: Pearce, Russell; Brewer, Jan; Underpants, Sheriff Pink).

But some illegal immigrant somewhere in Arizona started some fire sometime, probably, which means all fires are ultimately the Mexicans' fault anyway, also. QED. Or something.

Pew Pew

Offered without comment.Yay Arizona.

A 26-year-old man accidentally shot himself in the penis with a pink handgun at a grocery store in Chandler last week, the Arizona Republic reported.

The Republic’s story said Joshua Seto and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, walked to a Fry’s Food Store for refreshments Tuesday night. Once there he tried to put away Christopher’s pink handgun in the front waistband of his pants when it fired.

Yay Arizona.

A Bright Spot

Today's entry in the Never Let It Be Said department starts like this: Never let it be said that I do not recognize the rare occasions upon which a conservative politician does something that pleasantly surprises me. In a rare flash of rational thinking, Gov. Jan Brewer has vetoed Arizona's birther bill.

"I never imagined being presented with a bill that could require candidates for president of the greatest and most powerful nation on Earth to submit their 'early baptismal or circumcision certificates,' among other records, to the Arizona Secretary of State," Brewer said in her letter. "This is a bridge too far."

Because "circumcision" means she would have to think about Rick Santorum's wang and possibly John McCain's withered member as well, so, yeah, eww. The Republican-dominated legislature won't try to override her, which ends this particular chapter in the Big Book o' Arizona Stupid but still leaves us with building the dang fence, ending public education, and the gun-of-the-month club or whatever.

Stop the Presses

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer showed glimmers of rational thought yesterday, vetoing the legislature’s latest two entries in the ongoing Worst Laws in the History of Forever competition they probably have locked up anyway. Maybe she just wants to keep things fresh? Anyway, the birther bill and the carry-guns-on-campus bill are history, for now.

The gun veto is somewhat surprising, since she tends to support unlimited gun rights underpinned by very vague reasoning, but she nixed the bill that would have permitted carrying in public rights-of-way on campus because (surprise, it’s Arizona!) it was poorly written and potentially confusing. Ron Gould, the Teabagger genius from Lake Havasu City who sponsored the bill, got his feelings hurt.

Gould called her veto "very rude." He said the measure, approved twice by the Senate and once by the House, was apparently clear enough for legislators to understand.

GUNZ GUNZ GUNZ is indeed very easy to understand, and Brewer—against all odds—noticed that it’s also open to interpretation. Moving along...

The birther bill fizzled for similar reasons, but this veto came with even more critical thinking attached. The mind reels.

Brewer said giving the secretary of state authority to decide if a candidate is eligible, as the law would have allowed, "could lead to arbitrary or politically motivated decisions."

She also suggested there was an "ick" factor in the measure, noting candidates who could not produce a "long form birth certificate" would have the option of instead furnishing other documents.

"I never imagined being presented with a bill that could require candidates for President of the greatest and most powerful nation on Earth to submit their 'early baptismal or circumcision certificates' among other records to the Arizona secretary of state," Brewer wrote.

OMG PENIS. Hooray for the ick factor finally working in our favor!

Next up on Brewer’s desk: the campus gun bill’s BFF, a bill that permits carrying guns into government buildings unless they have airport-style metal detectors and Brinks-style armed guards. Mr. Sensitive from Lake Havasu sponsored this one too, and is already sulking about its veto potential.

"It's kind of looking bad," Gould said of the chances Brewer will sign that bill.

Heady times indeed in Arizona. Stay tuned.

Arizona Makes Basic PhotoShop Skills a Requirement for Being on the Ballot

Oh, Arizona.

No matter how many times you say it, it never gets old. Every time you think the absurdity bar can’t possibly go any lower, the state magically finds a way—possibly by operationalizing Zeno’s paradox—to find another notch closer to the floor. And after we run out of floor, the event horizon of fucking batshit end-of-the-world stupid can’t be far behind. It has been a busy week. The legislature approved a bill allowing people to carry guns into public buildings (although arenas, stadiums, and conventions are exempted), which will certainly make next week’s annual emissions-testing trip to the Motor Vehicles Department interesting. Even better, the crazy birther bill also was approved. The meat of the bill is ho-hum, standard-issue Orly Taitz material, requiring presidential candidates to file an official long-form birth certificate with the secretary of state before being allowed on the ballot (never mind that some states, like, say, Hawaii, won’t release the long-form document even if your name is J. H. Christ). The interesting bit is the amendment introduced by long-time Boltgirl nemesis Frank Antenori, which allows (presumable Hawaiian) candidates to instead submit… an early baptismal record or circumcision certificate.

The fuck?

I confess to not understanding this, even though the Social Security Administration similarly accepts baptismal records as proof of identity. I looked at my son’s baptismal record, just to see. It’s a little 6x9 piece of paper with fancy calligraphy spelling out “St. Joseph’s Church,“ with blanks left that the church secretary dutifully filled in with names and dates, and that the priest signed.

That’s an official document. Wait, let me fix that. That’s an official document that I could crank out in under five minutes with PhotoShop, a decent printer, and a Bic pen. And if that’s an acceptable proof of identity, citizenship, and being squared away with the sky fairy, that tells you all you need to know about the birther bullshit.

Oh, and Antenori’s adorable sop to the other Mosaic religions? A circumcision certificate? Like from a bris? Or whatever the Muslims call their version? That, love, is the legislative equivalent of sticking a menorah next to the manger scene you want on the courthouse lawn, just to prove you’re being ecumenical. Never mind that his oh-so-inclusive gesture excludes Jewish and Muslim people who aren't circumcised, like, say, women. Much like the "early baptismal record" exemption excludes baptizin' folk who fling the water later in life, like, say, most Protestants. And I can't believe I have expended even this minimal amount of energy thinking about the relative merits of the provisions of this oh-so-serious bit of fakery that is now law in this state.

We must know if the president is a Kenyan socialist Muslin. Or if he knows his way around Adobe products. Either will do.

While You Were Away

I was heartened to return from a long weekend trip to find that the legislature hadn't set the state on fire out of spite, but then realized this was merely a literal relief. The figurative situation is predictably stupid.

You may have heard that we have some border issues here in Arizona, and maybe have even heard the howling from many points that the feds need to step in and do something about immigration, illegal and otherwise. The Senate finally acquiesced and lobbed $1.6 million our way, and the state legislature promptly decided that the Arizona county with the longest stretch of actual border with Mexico should get exactly zero of those dollars.


Proximity to Mexico does not count.

In what passes for logic in Russell Pearce's reality, this makes perfect sense. The sheriff of Pima County is a Democrat named Clarence Dupnik, who you may remember as the guy who (accurately) noted in the aftermath of the Giffords shooting that Arizona has become a mecca for bigotry and all-around general fuckery. The only possible response to this for a state whose lawmakers have been complaining about border crime is to limit the disbursement of federal anti-border-crime money to two counties that may not actually be on the border, but that do happen to be headed by Russell Pearce's two favorite skinhead sheriffs, White Power Joe Arpaio and Paul "Just Forget I'm Actually From Massachusetts and Shoot More Video of Me, John McCain, and the Dang Fence" Babeu.

To be fair, Pearce didn't explicitly say only Maricopa and Pinal counties get the cash. He simply made sure the wording in the budget bills was very specific.

A provision buried in one of the 13 budget bills approved late Wednesday spells out that the first $1.6 million of available money go to the sheriff of a county with a population of more than 3 million. That applies only to Maricopa County.

The next $500,000 is earmarked for a sheriff in a county of between 300,000 and 500,000, with only Pinal County meeting that definition. And if there's anything left, it can be allocated to other counties or cities.

But not Pima County: SB 1621 spells out any county with a population between 500,00 and 2 million "shall not receive any monies from the Gang and Immigration Intelligence Team Enforcement mission fund."

Oh, Pima County gets excluded by the =! 500K-2M clause? Who knew?

And the legislature yesterday predictably reintroduced some birther bills. Really, they can't go more than a week without it or they get the shakes bad.

Am I glad to be home? No. No, I am not.

Today in Arizona Asshattery

Welcome to Arizona: Haberdashers to the Assholes of the Nation.

Our state legislature was very busy yesterday addressing the problems plaguing Arizonans. Namely, the current inability to put a Teatard license plate on their cars.

The budget is not balanced. The governor wants to eliminate health care for 250,000 people. Nearly one out of 10 Arizonans who want jobs can't find one. And there are plans to slash funding for higher education.

But that didn't keep the state Senate from taking the time Thursday to debate and approve a resolution supporting the Republican governor of Wisconsin in his fight with labor unions.

Senators also voted to create yet another special license plate. But unlike some others aimed at raising money for causes like spaying pets, service to veterans and organ donation, the proceeds from this license plate would benefit tea party groups around the state.

Hmm, you might say. This might seem wrong to you because you know that the special plates program is supposed to raise money for nonpartisan causes, not for political parties, and a plate "designed with a picture of the 'Don't Tread on Me' flag showing a coiled rattlesnake on a background of yellow" strikes you as being just a little bit political. Well, if that's the case, don't worry. Russell Pearce has that one covered for you.

Senate President Russell Pearce, R-Mesa, denied anything about it is political.

"I know the Constitution is something that not all folks have read down here," Pearce said. "And that's what this plate is about, about furthering the principles of freedom, about the movement across this country, about citizens who want certain principles followed with limited government and family values and kind of the sea-wind change that's coming across this country."

See, silly liberals? It's a sea-wind change about the Constitution and the right to mangle metaphors and possibly make up new ones any way you want! You can tell it's only about the Constitution, see, because the design doesn't mention the Constitution at all. And adopting the symbol of a political movement--even one made up of brain-dead racist nativists--makes it the exact opposite of political. Thanks, Russell Pearce. Just let me know the next time Opposite Day rolls around, so I can be prepared.

Where I'm From and Where I am Now

Where I'm from? Well, that didn't take long.

A secretly funded political group aligned with Rahm Emanuel has donated more than $445,000 to aldermanic candidates to help the mayor-elect in a high-stakes battle over control of City Hall.

Whatever. Just fix the CTA, Mr. Mayor, if you please.

Where I am now? Just another version of Crazypantsland. It's getting to the point that daily updates are clearly needed to keep track of the insane shit spewing out of Maricopa County. Let's see, so far this we we have had:

* State Senate President Russell Pearce (R-White Power) decreed that the public will be barred from media briefings in the senate building because, as four people were arrested for disruptive behavior, allowing the public in clearly creates a safety hazard. I'm not sure why he's so worried, since he decided last month to let legislators carry guns into the building and onto the floor, because, as he said, "Guns save lives."

* In fact, guns save so many lives in Arizona that the senate decided people should be able to carry them into any government building they want. No more "no weapons allowed' stickers on the DMV door! The only way for agencies to prohibit people from carrying guns into their facilities now will be to install metal detectors and hire armed security, and the state sure has money to burn on that. What could possibly go wrong?

Interestingly, the Arizona House and Senate buildings do not currently have metal detectors. Which probably explains why Pearce doesn't want the newly armed rabble to be able to come in.

* On the culture war front, the House passed a bill eliminating public funding for abortion. That's swell enough on its face, but, as with so many other bits of legislative dumbfuckery in this state, it comes with extra consequences.

HB 2384, which gained preliminary House approval earlier this week, would make it illegal to use public funds to train medical professionals to perform abortions.

But the language goes beyond direct tax dollars. It also forbids the use of any federal funds that pass through the state treasury or even through other levels of government.

And even tuition or fees paid to a state university of community college would be off limits for the costs of the training.

See the super awesome part at the end there? The University of Arizona has a decent medical school, or had one, anyway. HB 2384 means that students in the OB/GYN department may no longer be able to get training on how to perform an abortion, even the only kind that's sometimes moral, you know, depending on who you ask (perhaps the ethics department can start teaching that woman = incubator, which should clear that little problem right up).

* I posted some time ago about a proposed bill that would prioritize married people over singles and unmarried couples for adoption, and that's now steaming right on forward. "The best interest of the child" had been the previous guiding principle in placement for adoption. Under the new law, that would still be a consideration, but the state has essentially made the decision a priori that a married couple is always in the best interest of the child. Whee. I report, you decide.

* Is there any good news? Yes. Red Bulls and Sporting Kansas City are coming this weekend for an MLS preseason tournament with two eminently shreddable Arizona semi-pro teams. I'll be the one in the Sounders jersey and Red Stars (*sob*) scarf.

Arizona: It's a Dry Hate

This became inevitable the moment Janet Napolitano took off for Washington, leaving the entire state government apparatus in the hands of the GOP. But still.

Attorneys for the state will ask a federal appeals court today to let Arizona stop providing insurance benefits for the partners of gay workers.

State lawmakers voted to end the benefits to save money.

The domestic partner benefits directive went into effect in 2008 under Napolitano, who expanded the definition of "dependent" for state workers to include all unmarried partners, both gay and straight. One of Jan Brewer's first official acts upon flumping down behind the governor's desk in 2009 was to rescind those benefits. Then a US District judge issued an injunction forbidding the state from backing out of the benefits package, and that brings us to today in suddenly federal lawsuit-happy Arizona.

The comments on the online article are, as usual, a treat.

Just When You Thought Arizona Could Not Be More Shameless, Boom.

Should it be just a little embarrassing when people across the country know your anti-brown-immigrant laws by their bill numbers? Well, since Russell Pearce just can't get through the day without shitting on the Mexicans, SB1070 just got a new putrid baby brother: SB1405. This latest contribution to the steaming sludgebucket that is Arizona politics goes a little like this:

A. Before a hospital admits a person for nonemergency care, a hospital admissions officer must confirm that the person is a citizen of the United States, a legal resident of the United States or lawfully present in the United States. The admissions officer may use any method prescribed in section 1-501 to verify citizenship or legal status.

B. If the admissions officer determines that the person does not meet the requirements of subsection A of this section, the admissions officer must contact the local federal immigration office.

C. If the hospital provides emergency medical care pursuant to federal requirements to a person who does not meet the requirements of subsection A of this section, on successful treatment of the patient the admissions officer must contact the local federal immigration office.

D. A hospital that complies with the requirements of this section is not subject to civil liability.

What could possibly go wrong? Stock up on your tripe, cilantro, and limes now, because I have the feeling that self-medicating with menudo is suddenly going to sound like a safer bet to a lot of people than actually going to the hospital to be harassed. This will be filed in the Great Moments in Public Health textbook right after George W. Bush marveling on the campaign trail at the wonderful US medical system that has led to thousands of people using the emergency room as their primary healthcare provider. Well, it should be a lot less crowded now in Arizona emergency rooms, what with uninsured low-income people, many of whom are Latino, (1) being scared shitless to use their only and last resort for getting treatment and then conveniently (2) dying off at an accelerated clip.

Maybe (1) and (2) above are Russell Pearce's eight-dimensional chess game gambit for solving the funding problem that has left southern Arizona with exactly one Level One trauma center and sorely overworked emergency departments in the hospitals that are still open. Hey, he got his, and you know what that means for everybody else. This just formalizes things.

Whatever will next week bring? I shudder to think.

A Point of Geographic Clarification

You've most likely heard about elitist big-city mayor Michael Bloomberg hiring private investigators in Arizona to go to gun shows and see how many guns they could buy after telling the dealers private sellers "I probably wouldn't pass a background check" (answer: a lot). Jan Brewer is predictably steamed, and took the opportunity to see how many times she could string "Arizona," "Constitution," and "Second Amendment" into sentences (answer: at least two).

The official response from the Crossroads of the West gun show people insisted that they are completely law-abiding, and then added a slightly baffling geographic twist. I will give you exactly one guess about where they got their verbiage.

These forays into America's heartland committing blatant acts to entrap otherwise innocent gun owners is an unlawful scheme that is created by Bloomberg's task force.

Heartland? Really? If Florida is America's Wang and Alaska is America's Ear, southern Arizona isn't exactly the heartland. We are more America's Hamstring, although America's Groin Pull should get some consideration. America's heartland. Sound familiar? You betcha.

Arizona Strives to be Number One in yet Another Mind-boggling but Somehow Unsurprising Way

Well, the final fatality in the January 8 shootings was buried at the end of last week, so the time was ripe for some Lake Havasu mope in the state legislature to bust out with SB1201. Heavens to Betsy, the circulation must have gone plumb out of his hands after sitting on them for three whole weeks before giving Arizona yet another gift that will keep on giving, the Firearms Omnibus Bill.

Senate Bill 1201, sponsored by Sen. Ron Gould, R-Lake Havasu City, would do a number of things, including:

- Allow people to carry firearms into all government-run facilities and many public events. The only places or events that could ban firearms would be those that post the correct sign, provide firearm lockers and have armed security and a metal detector. The law would apply to university classrooms, city buses and community festivals that get government permits. It would not apply to K-12 schools.

- Change the wording of last year's concealed-weapons law to require an individual to answer "truthfully" when a law-enforcement officer asks whether the person is carrying a concealed weapon. The current wording requires the person to answer "accurately." Law-enforcement officials say the change could give leeway to a person who, for example, forgets a gun in a bag and inaccurately tells an officer he or she isn't carrying one.

- Change the wording of Shannon's Law to make it a crime to "knowingly" discharge a firearm within city limits. It's currently a crime for someone to discharge a firearm with "criminal negligence." Bill opponents said the change would mean people could be convicted of violating this law only if the prosecution could prove they knew that shooting the gun could result in someone's death or injury.

- Allow people to sue if they feel they were illegally stopped from carrying a firearm into a government facility or event. If a person wins the lawsuit and the government agency doesn't pay within 72 hours, the person has the right to seize as payment "any municipal vehicles used or operated for the benefit of any elected office holder" in the relevant government agency.

Hoo-eee! That last provision is pure gold. I am sorely tempted to mosey over to Black Weapons Armory for an AR-15 that I will then carry on to city buses, into MVD offices, and through county-sponsored Oktoberfests until I've won enough lawsuits from sluggish agencies to have seized so many cars that I will need to build my own personal parking deck. If I play this right, Jan Brewer's Escalade will be mine within the year. I got yer return on a $1,499.99 investment right here! Boom!

But seriously? Seriously, Jesus Christ. We're looking to let untrained and barely vetted people carry guns just about everywhere, make it easier to avoid consequences for lying to cops about having a gun, make it easier to avoid consequences for being an idiot with a gun, and make public agencies skittish about appealing punitive awards against them for saying is it too much to ask that you not bring your goddamn Glock and pocketsful of extended-capacity magazines into the D.A.R.E. Family Fun Fair? Too soon? It's Arizona. Apparently here it's never too soon.

What's the Limit on Saying Here We Go Again?

Perhaps you've heard that Arizona is in somewhat dire straits. The state is wrestling with--and losing to, badly--an epic budget crisis that has resulted in hundreds of thousands of low-income people (we have more than any state in the nation) being kicked off of state-provided healthcare (including a few people who have died after being removed from the organ transplant list), mental health services being slashed, aid to developmentally disabled people being gutted, public schools closing, state universities eliminating departments and not hiring new staff to fill positions left vacant (250 university professors were just offered a year's pay to retire early and go away), and state parks being shuttered (leaving priceless Native American sites vulnerable to looting). The private sector economy is just as bad, with high unemployment (in fact, we just added to our worst-in-the-nation trophy case on Monday, when we found out that we have the highest rate of teenage unemployment in the country, a whopping 31%).

So, naturally, the Republicans and tea partiers who were freshly elected or reliably re-elected on the strength of campaigns touting them as fiscal saviors have gotten right down to business. With a slew of bills restricting abortion even more than it already is.

First up is Steve Montenegro (R-Litchfield Park), offering a pair of nifty bills intended to crack down on the rampant practice of sex-selection abortions. Well, both bills ban sex selection. One also tacks on a race-selection ban.

HB 2443, crafted by Rep. Steve Montenegro, R-Litchfield Park, would require a woman to sign an affidavit she is not seeking an abortion because of the child's sex or race. Montenegro has a separate measure, HB 2442, dealing only with abortions based on sex selection.

Any doctor who performed an abortion knowing race or sex selection was the reason would face felony charges. And the legislation would permit the father of the unborn child, if married to the woman having the abortion, to sue the doctor for damages.

This must be a significant problem in Arizona for Rep. Montenegro to have taken the time to write two separate bills addressing it, no? Oh.

Neither Montenegro nor independent searches of state records and the Internet provided any information indicating a significant number of women are seeking abortions for those reasons.

Montenegro promised supporting data when interviewed initially last week, but as of late Wednesday had provided none. He said he will have more specifics to back those claims today.

I will, of course, stay glued to the Daily Star today so that I can bring you those specifics just as soon as they hit the wire. He at least had the courtesy to give us a little tease.

But Montenegro said he has information "that there are targeted communities that the abortion industry targets." He said for the purposes of his ban, an abortion based on race would include situations where the parents are the same race as the fetus.

OMG TARGETED COMMUNITY IS TARGETED. And no more aborting because you're white and were really hoping to save on the plane fare by popping out an Asian baby. Or because you're Mexican and were hoping to change things up a little with a Norwegian. Or a puppy. Or something.

It becomes slightly more ominous, though, when Montenegro explains his "targeting" claim by pointing out that abortion rates are higher for nonwhites than for whites. Which makes it hard to read his proposed ban on situations where parents are the same race as the fetus as a particular ban on nonwhite women having abortions.

Our other entry comes courtesy of Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Phoenix), co-sponsored by only 34 other Republicans, which brings Oklahoma-style mandated ultrasounds to our fair shores. Doctors would be required to (a) explain what the ultrasound shows, (b) show the woman a picture of the ultrasound, and (c) play audio of the heartbeat if one is audible before the woman can give her final consent for the procedure. No word on if the woman will also be required to sit in a rocking chair with an appropriately flesh-toned plush fetus-doll and read it Goodnight Moon before the abortion can take place. All of this is completely necessary, of course, for a very simple reason.

Yee, who said she opposes abortion, believes some women do not have a full understanding of what they are doing.

But the girls who want to keep the baby because then the guy will finally love them and the baby will love them and sit quietly all day and not bring any undue disruption or hardship to their lives? They totally fully understand what they're doing.

It's morning in Arizona. And it sucks.

Maybe I Should Just Give Up and Be Comforted by Consistency

So much for thinking charitable thoughts. Yesterday, Brewer and Pearce went back to not failing to disappoint.

Gov. Jan Brewer and Arizona Senate President Russell Pearce said they see no reason for Arizona to limit the sale of high-capacity ammunition magazines.

I can think of nineteen reasons. Here, and here, and here, and here.

Oh No She... Did.

The plus side? Arizona Governor Jan Brewer appears to be aware of the literary device called "metaphor." The downside? Picking apt ones is still a leeeeeeetle bit out of her reach. She was sworn in yesterday and, while she did manage to get through her speech without any agonizing dead air or giggles, the actual words she put together into sentences included these:

"When I took the oath of office two years ago, I took the helm of a marvelous state that had been poorly commanded, badly navigated and was dead in the water," Brewer said. "Worse, it was leaking, and sinking fast."

"You and I, will be forever guided and sustained by God's grace in a calling that draws us together on this mighty ship - Arizona - now fit for any peril on the sea," Brewer said.

Um. Yes, Arizona was indeed a mighty ship. Unfortunately, it's also sitting on the bottom of Pearl Harbor and is full of corpses.

Pick your scenario, and, as always, death is not an option: (1) she has no idea what image "Arizona" + "ship" automatically brings to mind for Americans, even ones educated in Arizona, or (2) she knows exactly what image "Arizona" + "ship" automatically brings to mind and still thinks it was the best way to characterize the state.

New New Year's Resolution: drink far, far more.

Tom Horne Rides Again

You can't help but... well, since "admire" doesn't quite ring true here, let's go with "notice," so *ahem* You can't help but notice former Superintendent of Education and brand-new Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne for his ability to stick to his guns.

Exhibit 1: The Combover.

While he was still the head of the worst educational system in the US, Horne went Don Quixote (English-language translation only, por favor) on the windmill of the Tucson Unified School District's ethnic studies program, in particular its Mexican American Studies program. Now that he's the state's top lawyer, Horne has vowed to make it his top priority to enforce Arizona's new anti-ethnic studies law (really) by jabbing the windmill with his lance, blowing it up, stomping on the rubble, and bonking dissenters in the head with any bricks that are left over.

The law, which went into effect Friday, prohibits courses that:

• Promote the overthrow of the U.S. government.

• Promote resentment toward a race or class of people.

• Are designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group.

• Advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of students as individuals.

Horne was the author of the first draft of the statute, which was amended in the Legislature.

Never mind that TUSD is largely Hispanic, or that Tucson sits smack-dab in the middle of a hunk of the landscape that actually was Mexico until the US bought it in 1854, or that quite a few of the families whose kids might like to take a Mexican American studies class have been living in Tucson for a couple hundred years longer than Tom Horne has been living in America. You know, since he was born in Canada to Polish parents who--in a strangely familiar story--immigrated in search of security and a better life for their children.

No word on whether proficiency in White Privilege Studies will now be required in order to graduate from Arizona high schools, or if it will simply continue to be assumed.

Arizona Voters Do Not Fail to Disappoint

Pima County acquitted itself fairly well yesterday. The rest of the state, unfortunately, not so much.

Governor: Jan Brewer bravely overcame the revelations that she is (1) in bed with the private Prison industry, and (2) a blithering idiot, to beat Terry Goddard, although at 53%-40% it wasn't quite the trouncing I expected. Her first priority is to scrounge money from dedicated funds to move into the state's general fund, but, luckily, one of the few bright spots in the statewide balloting was the defeat of initiatives that would have let her raid the land conservation and early childhood development funds.

Senate: Walnuts McCain stomped Democrat (nee Republican) Rodney Glassman, surprising exactly no one. I am not at all sure that Glassman would have been better for Arizona so much as a different flavor of sleazy.

US House: Still undecided! Raul Grijalva and Gabrielle Giffords are currently clinging to leads of a couple thousand votes with about 350,000 left to be counted. Most of the yet-to-be-counteds are from Pima (hopeful!) and Maricopa (brrrr!) counties, which might end up canceling each other out. We hope.

AZ Attorney General: Noted dim bulb Tom Horne edged out a Democrat I'd never heard of but who, I thought, had at least a coin flip's chance of having a few more brain cells to rub together than Horne does on any given day. The bright spot? He's no longer in charge of what passes for an education department. The dark spot? Tucson Unified School District has been in his sights for a long time for having the temerity to offer Latino heritage and culture classes to their Latino-majority student body, even after Arizona passed a law explicitly aimed at making ethnic studies programs Tom Horne doesn't like illegal. And now he's the chief prosecutor in the state? Have fun with that, TUSD!

Secretary of State, otherwise known as Lieutenant Governor: Republican Ken Bennett in a wash, meaning that if Jan-Jan resigns or just plain forgets to come in to work for a year or so, the governorship stays in Republican hands. Which does not bode well for the future, considering that noted white supremacist-consorting, private prisons lackey Russell Pearce is the new president of the state senate.

Prop 106 (Fuck Healthcare): I must say that I'm impressed with the drive and determination of Arizona voters. Not content to be at the bottom of national rankings for education and children-in-poverty levels (we recently passed Alabama to claim that title), the voters made sure that we will soon be at the bottom for healthcare as well. Prop 106, which passed by 130,000 votes, amends the state constitution to say no Arizonan is required to buy health insurance or participate in a health plan. Yeah, we'll see.

Prop 107 (Fuck Nonwhite Nonmales): The voters decided even more resoundingly to make affirmative action illegal. There are still many questions about whether this will end programs designed to keep female and nonwhite students in college (despite the fact that Arizona universities and colleges currently do not consider race or gender in admissions). Tom Horne is undoubtedly lining up the lawsuits as we speak.

Prop 203 (Medical Marijuana): Barely losing at the moment.

Well, at least Ken Buck and Sharron Angle won't be haunting Capitol Hill. Unfortunately, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio will, and, saddest of all, Russ Feingold will be watching this one from the bench. I remember how the morning after Election Day 1994 felt. This feels worse.

Oh, Jesse.

Can I just say that I love Jesse Kelly's new ad? Jesse is trying to take Gabrielle Giffords' US House seat (AZ-8), and is feeling some heat for some of his positions, like, say, eliminating the federal income tax in favor of an across-the-board 23% sales tax, and eliminating food inspectors (because we are all responsible for taking care of ourselves, which apparently means following people home from Safeway and carefully watching them for 48 hours after their backyard BBQs to see if they contract e. coli from this week's bargain hamburger before we feed it to our own families), and, oh yes, outlawing all abortion no matter what.

What's Jesse's approach in the face of these crippling revelations about his creepy-ass ideas? Why, it's this: AMERICA, BITCHEZ.

Ha ha, there's just no time between now and Tuesday to address the issues Congresswoman Giffords has helpfully pointed out to the voters, so AMERICA! Cut taxes, cut spending, and KEEP AMERICA STRONG! Did you know I'm a Marine? Oh, all that stuff you've been hearing about my complete douchecadet positions on women's reproductive freedoms, and wanting you to fork over an additional $23 bucks on your weekly $100 grocery bill? For food that may or may not kill you? Don't worry your pretty heads about that, because: AMERICA!

Please go out and vote tomorrow. It's kind of a big deal.

While I Was Away

I swear, you can't leave this state on its own for more than 24 hours without someone forgetting to shut the door and letting the stupid in.

To be fair, there was already a shit-ton of stupid here (Exhibit #1: RealSheriffJoe). Palin's Maricopa County-issued pink panties are just the stupid cherry on the stupid cake.

In other news, it turns out that one of the judges who will be deciding whether Arizona can go ahead and start enforcing the odious SB1070 papers-please law was himself almost deported back in the 1950s when he was a resident alien. Turns out it was just a small series of mistakes on the then-college student future judge's part compounded by an INS officer, but an appeals board sorted it all out and the future judge eventually attained citizenship. Of course, the Daily Star's usual commenting pack of reading comprehension champions are convinced that the judge is a Cuban (Spaniard, actually) draft dodger (he wasn't) appointed by Clinton (by W, actually) who needs to recuse himself right away because he cannot possibly be neutral in any immigration matter now.

This is the same pack that howled about Sonia Sotomayor potentially deciding cases involving Latinas, wise or dull, and about big gay judge Vaughn Walker nixing Prop 8. Corporate lawyer John Roberts siding with corporations in Citizens United, though, was simply jurisprudence. The pack might not have agreed, but it was the decision they took issue with, not the perception that the background of the person making it had any influence on it whatsoever.

What will Arizona do today? I shudder in anticipation.

In Which the Arizona Governor's Race Gets Even More Stupid

So the guy who lost the Democratic senate primary in Arizona to closet Republican Rodney Glassman (who will be trounced by Maricopa County Republicans voting for John McCain anyway) posted this little nugget Friday on his Facebook:

Is it just because Jan Brewer looks and sounds like a chain-smoker who's been lying out in the Phoenix sun eight hours a day for the last 40 years? I'm more concerned with her lack of mental acuity than the tarballs she hacks up each morning, and actual attributable information is always a plus, but to each his own.

Brewer's puppetmaster, private prisons lobbyist Chuck Coughlin, sprang to her defense with the kind of class that, frankly, we've come to expect: he called Terry Goddard, Brewer's opponent in the gubernatorial race, gay.

Her top campaign adviser blamed her opponent, Terry Goddard, for fanning the gossip and said it was irrelevant.

But then the adviser, Chuck Coughlin, went on to say that if the media are inquiring about Brewer's health, reporters should question Goddard about his sexual orientation.

Remember, Arizona: there are only 20 days left before November 2, and Chuck Coughlin has set the bar for political discourse pretty frickin' high here. Get on it, son!