"EVERYTHING'S BETTER, DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER"

(massive facepalm)

INEVITABLE, THY NAME IS THIS

I totally called this one when the source film came out. Forget the fact that slave fetish porn exists, this one was guaranteed to happen the minute the title 12 YEARS A SLAVE was emblazoned across the nation's cinema marquees.

THE FUCKENSTEIN POSTER IS AVAILABLE ONLINE!!!

Folks, the gloriously loony poster for Burning Angel's XXX parody FUCKENSTEIN just became available via their online store and it can be yours for a mere five bucks (excluding shipping), so what are you waiting for? Order yours today! It's the perfect accent to your basement/dungeon and the unshaded black light that hangs from its ceiling. Order by clicking here.

AN INSTANT CLASSIC PORN TITLE

Seriously, I have to own a copy of this, solely so its title is visible on my DVD shelf. I don't even care if the porn's any good.

COULD THIS BE THE WORST PORNO EVER?

Seriously, who the hell could rub one out to this? It looks horrible and hilljack enough to actually give the infamous BAT PUSSY a run for its money, and that's really saying something! And out of sheer morbid curiosity, I actually kinda want to sit through this, but I would have to have the right gang of friends along for the ride. I'd need the Fresno Fox, Greaseball Johnny, Fudgetub, Gigantress, Otter Girl, and Gilsonic to sit with me as its vile anti-charms unfurled across the screen. And exactly what is this supposed to be a parody of anyway?

ANNIE SPRINKLE'S HERSTORY OF PORN: REEL TO REAL (1999)

WARNING!!! If the frank discussion of some of the grottier elements that can be found in porno offends you or grosses you out, you are strongly advised to give this entry a miss. And bear in mind that this warning is coming from me, so take that for what it's worth.

"Pornography is the mirror in which we can see our reflections. The same image may appear beautiful one day, and ugly the next, be liberating one year, and offensive later. How wonderful to have the opportunity to take a look. To learn and, perchance, to dream. Making porn is a lot harder than you might think. I've never even come close to capturing the magnificence of my best sexual experiences. One thing is for sure: in just twenty-five years, we have come a long way. The answer to really bad porn is not no porn, but to try to make better porn. No matter where we stand, pornography reflects us all."-Annie Sprinkle

As is probably apparent to my regular readers, I am unashamedly fascinated by pornography, not merely as a means to a solo orgasmic end, but mostly as an earthy, fleshly reflection of who and what we are as sexual human animals. And while I have been known to enjoy such material for its most obvious intended use from time to time, I’m always interested in learning about the history of the medium, a form that goes back as far as the moment when the first cave-person fashioned a curvy goddess statue from crude earth or put pigment to cave wall to depict primitive images of copulation.

So anyway, about a week back I stopped by a kiosk in Manhattan's Union Square where a couple of guys sell assorted "gray market" DVDs, and the more erudite of the two, remembering my interest in documentaries on the history of porn, offered me what he believed to be an overview of American tenderloin cinema as hosted/narrated by veteran porn star Annie Sprinkle. I accepted the disc, ANNIE SPRINKLE'S HERSTORY OF PORN, and took it home, allowing it to sit atop a "to be watched" stack for a few days before I threw it into my player for a late-night screening. (And it really was a screening and not a moment of "relaxing the gentleman's way;" I was on the phone with my equally-insomniac friend, Daisy, as I watched the first half of it, so there was no five-knuckle shuffling going on.)

Our humble raconteur and documentary subject, Annie Sprinkle (née Ellen Steinberg).

For those of you out there who have no idea who Annie Sprinkle is, she's a notorious bisexual porn star/prostitute/stripper/performance artist who was born Ellen Steinberg in Philadelphia and has re-invented herself several times throughout her career, now enriching the world with performance pieces and other works that disseminate perhaps the most sex-positive vibes in American society's hypocritically puritanical sexual landscape. For what it's worth, I really like Annie's sweet and adorable persona and the joy and utterly shameless happiness in sex that she merrily espouses like some kind of bubbly and lewd Yoda with big ol' titties, so I was totally down with her acting as a guide through the history of American porno's golden age.

Such a journey, however, was not what I got when I started watching ANNIE SPRINKLE'S HERSTORY OF PORN. It instead turned out to be a very thorough and heartfelt video autobiography/career retrospective beginning with Annie's time in assorted porn that began as conventional beast-with-two-backs reels and going up through her then-current role as a DIY sex-educator/sexual shamaness-goddess, and I could have dealt with that just fine if it had not been comprehensive enough to include footage from some of Sprinkle's more, er, "specialized" efforts. To be fair, Sprinkle herself does warn the viewer that if there's anything onscreen that they may not want to see, they can simply "cover your eyes and it'll pass, and please try to keep an open mind until the very, very end," and it's advice I wish I'd heeded in more than one instance. You see, Sprinkle's work in straight porno was already rather raunchy even by the somewhat nebulously-defined standards of the genre, and some of it could be considered "nasty" in terms of her very game willingness to do just about anything on camera, but as of the late-1970's she adventurously veered waaaaay into fetish stuff that Sprinkle claimed led to most mainstream porno directors no longer hiring her because she'd gained a rep as being "too kinky." Included during the fetish overview are segments including the following:

• Sprinkle's signature golden shower antics
• dwarf-fucking (the guy in that equation, Luis De Jesus, played the vile Ralphus in the "classic" grindhouse gore opus BLOOD-SUCKING FREAKS)
• Annie shoving a toothbrush into the orifices not found on her head (don't worry, it wasn't the brushy end)
• Annie getting seriously rodgered with a hefty kielbasa
• heavy-duty bondage and rape-fantasy stuff
• Annie getting fisted (stumped?) by an amputee
• close-up removal of swamped, bloody feminine hygiene products
  
• Annie being graphically fisted herself and then graphically fisting some splayed-out skinny guy with her mitt lodged up him well past her wrist, after which she introduced his sundered butthole to an enormous dildo at least two feet in length and about as wide around as a can of Chock Full O' Nuts coffee
• an absolutely revolting "rainbow shower" segment in which our girl pukes all over some scruffy meth-addict-looking dude, barfing into his open mouth and jerking him off with fresh hurl as a lubricant (Sprinkle somewhat defuses that last bit by stating that they actually used canned soup, which is apparent when one goes back and really examines the footage, but nonetheless yecch...)

Maybe I'm just too "vanilla" but none of the stuff on that list strikes me as erotic in any way, which is not to say I wouldn't have watched it for its curiosity value if I had been truly forewarned. And, to tell the truth, I had already seen examples of all of that kind of stuff since I hit college, so none of it was new to me. (Though I had avoided the menstrually-related material; I'm not squeamed-out by period stuff thanks to the realities encountered when involved with girlfriends and also due to most of my friends being female and very candid about their "lady business" — there is nothing in that department that I have not heard about firsthand and in medically-graphic detail — but I don't find such stuff appealing as my porn fodder of choice.)

Anyway, following that overwhelming fetish-pummeling, Sprinkle's focus mercifully shifts to 1982's DEEP INSIDE ANNIE SPRINKLE, which she claims was the first porno film conceived from a woman's point of view, and from which she moved into crafting a more female-centric pornographic experience. Then, as the 1980's got going and the era of "new age" healing and philosophy dawned (which, if you ask me, was little more than a re-discovery of the Eastern stuff the '60's counter-culture dabbled in, only now seasoned with dashes of neo-paganism), Sprinkle hooked up with a Tantric adept who guided her into her first deeply spiritual experience with sex and sexuality. She emerged from her time with him a woman energized and transformed, who sought to share her epiphany with all whose hearts and minds were open to it, as well as seeking to educate the people on safer sex so awareness would be raised and the very act of loving would not continue to be a sensually-disguised Grim Reaper in the age of AIDS. That era in Sprinkle's development can be seen as akin to a narrative in which the protagonist, having undergone the assorted tests that would forge them into a hero that rang true to Campbell's theories on "the heroic journey," comes back to the world they left behind in search of adventure and learning imparted through said trials, returning with a beatific sense of wisdom and self. Some would find such espousing of these sentiments to be just so much self-serving hippy-dippy bullshit but I definitely get where Sprinkle's coming from when she discusses it, and my buying into what she has to say on the subject goes back as far as when I read her excellent and highly recommended book, POST-PORN MODERNIST (1991).

From there, Sprinkle expanded her horizons by identifying as a lesbian and becoming an artist who appeared in pornographic "art" films and performance art pieces, such as the now-infamous "Public Cervix Announcement," in which she would appear seated onstage, sans undergarments, schlamp a speculum up herself and let intrigued audience members check out her cervix, up close and personal (which is unfortunately not covered in this documentary). She then addresses the fact that she's getting older (she was forty-our at the time) and approaches that aspect of life as another avenue or exploration and the gaining of wisdom and self-understanding. There's even a "how to make a porno" fantasy sequence in which Sprinkle appears as an aging mermaid who initiates a younger mermaid into the pleasures of the flesh and eventually dies, but not before happily passing the torch on to the younger generation, secure in the knowledge that those who succeed her will only expand upon what she has imparted. Though kind of goofily presented, that coda was actually quite beautiful and filled with more genuine meaning than anything found in any three-thousand garden variety porno flicks that one could provide as counter-examples.

This career retrospective/gentle manifesto could not possibly be more sexually explicit if it tried, and some of its content will most likely be objectionable to some members of the audience, but I, for one, greatly appreciate and admire the efforts of this porn icon who used her position as a "sacred whore" of the media to enlighten and inform. What some would condemn as a sordid career path can be seen here by the open-minded as a celebration and exploration of the limits – or rather the non-limits — of human sexuality and the positive power of self-reinvention, and if anyone is going to be a guide through those waters, I'm glad it was Annie Sprinkle. Armed with a cheery, sunshiney sense of humor and an air of earthy, womanly sweetness, I can't help but find her utterly appealing and quite adorable, and in every way the welcome antithesis to the faceless, emotionless replicants who infest the porn landscape and render it so largely joyless. If only there were more individuals with her warmth involved, maybe the porn industry would not be as reviled of an entity as it unfortunately is.

RED, WHITE AND BLEW

The hilarious Evan Stone, who was terrific as Captain Kirk in THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX and the Riddler in BATMAN XXX, as Captain America? Oh, hell yeah!
Judging from this cover image, whoever made this parody actually reads the comics. Please, o gods of porn, let there be a girl-on-girl sequence between Madame Hydra and Sharon Carter...And a scene where Cap not only defeats the Red Skull but also bones him up the ass would be a cinematic triumph. My only question here is who's the chick in black? She doesn't appear to be the Black Widow and there's no mention of her in the catalog copy.

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

I'm a big fan of sex and violence in cinema but when it comes to porn I prefer to keep the two exclusive from one another, so I am very curious as to how well this new release succeeds as a blend of the tenderloin and martial arts genres.

There have been prior attempts at melding the two forms, especially during the 1970's chopsocky boom, and I always found the shoehorning of (badly choreographed) kung fu or karate into a fuck film to be wholly incongruous. Therefore I very much doubt this will be worth even a squirt of diabetic rat's piss.

As you have no doubt noticed if you read this blog regularly, porn parodies/remakes are proliferating at a rate that is both alarming and downright nonsensical. For example, who in god's name thought this would be a good idea?

Do we really need a XXX remake of one of the most tragic and soul-destroyingly depressing films of the 1990's? Who the hell would find this erotic? I can't speak for the rest you, but I know with absolute certainty that I could never rub one out to this. No fucking way.

Lastly, unless you've been living in a cave in the remote Himalayas for the past two months or so, you are no doubt aware of the media circus surrounding the extremely public meltdown of actor/party loon Charlie Sheen. The guy has whored and coked his way into the hearts and minds of insatiable scandal-lovers everywhere, with new bizarro developments and pronouncements taking place on pretty much a daily basis. Now comes this so-called parody of The Sheen's adventures, starring a number of his call girl pals, for each of whom his moment in the spotlight of public infamy equals free publicity and the potential for making a few quick bucks.

I'm sure this sucks out loud, but it fascinates me because, well, think about it. How hard would it have been at this point to talk the real Charlie Sheen into actively participating in this venture? In fact, considering his call girl and porn biz connections, coupled with him acting as a human reverse-snow-blower ("sober," my beige ass), I'm rather shocked that Charlie didn't think to make this himself. His behavior has been one steadily-escalating litany of highly questionable decisions, so I doubt starring in a porno would do much, if anything, to hurt his already majorly tarnished reputation. And unless the filmmakers have on hand a woodsman who's a dead ringer for Charlie who can also flawlessly imitate his voice, delivery, and mannerisms, this is doomed to be nothing more than the rote and incredibly shameless cash-in that it so obviously is.

*YAAAAAAWN*

The cornucopia of un-called-for porn parodies simply refuses to run dry, and now there's this.

Sadly, this un-creative yawner was far and away the most interesting/amusing new item found in the weekly alert to new releases that I receive. Pfooey.

GIVING NEW MEANING TO "THE MAN OF STEEL"

This one just speaks for itself and I plan on checking it out soon for review purposes. Purely so I can comment from an informed point of view, of course...

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!-late edition

Sorry I'm nearly twenty-four hours late in posting this, but I spent much of last night and today enduring the torments of food poisoning. Lemme tell ya, there's nothing fun about simultaneous projectile evacuation from both ends, and I thank whatever gods there may be for giving someone the life-saving idea of designing bathrooms so that the tub is right next to the sink. Anyway, to filth!

Here's a scenario for you to ponder: You've just come home from a long day at your shitty job and the only thing on your mind is "relaxing the gentleman's way." You know what I mean. A bit of "the old man shuffling dice." "Cranking the glue gun." "Working the fleshy butter churn." So, what is there for you to choose from to facilitate the free-flying of hot gobbets of DNA? How about this little charmer?

I can't show the back of the packaging here, but let's just say that the very cute babysitters depicted on it are sporting what look like rogue kielbasa between their legs.

What? You say that's not working for you? Then let's try this posterior-centric offering:

This image would have been perfectly complemented by a model of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon glued to the actress' ass, but I'm guessing the budget would not allow for that. And you'll thank me for censoring her gaping genitalia. I'll be completely honest and state my appreciation of a lady's "rare" interior portions, but in this particular instance I swore I could almost hear a cavern-like echo emanating from her rather splayed vadge.

Going from one extreme to another, we have this sensitive examination of cross-cultural communication and ebony-hued masculine equipment that shares much in common with the souvenirs doled out on any given baseball stadium's "bat day" promotional.

Let me assure you, that's not an ALIEN-style chest-burster that she's grasping.

If that's not to your liking, there's always the ongoing avalanche of porn parodies to choose from. I was recently hipped to the biker crime drama SONS OF ANARCHY by my old friend Jim Browski, and it's truly great, so a tenderloin version was inevitable. The biker genre has fueled exploitation films and porn (especially in the gay field) since at least the 1960's, and there is much in this latest iteration of the form that could easily be re-dressed (or not) for the adult market.

As to whether this parody is any good, I cannot venture an opinion because I have not seen it. That said, it looks like little effort at actual by-definition parody was put into it, other than hiring an actor who bears a minimal resemblance to the show's protagonist and renting some motorcycles for prop accuracy.

I posted about this next one earlier this week on Facebook and asked all and sundry if this could be final, concrete evidence that we are truly living in "the last days." Who, I say WHO feels the honest need for the existence of Oprah-based stroke fodder?

I'm willing to bet there will be an Oprah/Gayle girl-on-girl segment, but what will this be about when no action's going on? Will they recreate actual talk show-style banter with guest who are there to discuss "issues?" This just sounds like a flat-out boner killer/mangina creator.

And who in their right mind has a need for porn based on a game show that features unfunny '80's comic Howie Mandel, star of WALK LIKE A MAN (1987), one of the worst mainstream films ever made?

Seriously, does anyone actually expect this to sell? I'm thinking it was made as a tax writeoff.

I can almost understand how there's a porn version of this late-1970's sitcom classic, what with characters like Bailey and Jennifer to translate to the filthiverse, but I hope and pray there is no fuck scene involving a Les Nessman stand-in.

And while I can understand the fusion of the porn and horror genres and even the finding of certain monster archetypes sexy, at what point in history did Leatherface, a chainsaw-wielding 'tard who aids in the manufacture of chili made from humans, become "hot?"

And I'm betting that there are sequences of the women in the flick being horribly mowed down with a gas-driven power tool, and that I can definitely do without in the context of a sex flick.

Since the parodies have clearly bottomed-out this week, there's always the "mature" sub-genre to rely on.

Then again, maybe not...

I remember the MILFs from my youth — an era nearly twenty years prior to the invention of the term — being genuinely hot, but that may just have been the perception of a hormone-driven high school kid and the chicks seen on this packaging may be the more realistic representation of what lurked beneath the garments of my friends' moms. (Though not in the case of a friend whose mom was a genuinely smokin'-hot Semitic-looking professional belly dancer. Now, she was mouth-watering!)

And from that sobering thought, here's an even more sobering image and title to contemplate, and from White Ghetto Films, no less:

Did you ever in a million years think you'd see the words "insane hairy granny pussy" used in a blurb as a selling point? I know I certainly didn't!

And with that, I leave you to shiver in the fetal position in the corner of your choosing until next week. Peace out! (Or should that read "piece?")

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

It's been a while since I've found anything interesting enough to post about in this department, and today's entries leave me kind of saying "whatevs," but here they are anyway.

The XXX parody avalanche continues unabated and frankly I'm sick of it. There's no attempt at coming up with goofball titles anymore, so all you get now is "(INSERT NAME OF PARODY SOURCE MATERIAL HERE) — A XXXParody," and where's the fun and cheap laughs in that? Case in point, this SCOOBY-DOO lampoon(tang):

Why not SCOOBY-DO ME or SCREWBY-DOO? Or even a "furry" version with a guy in a Great Dane costume, entitled SCOOBY-DUDE? It took me two seconds to come up with those, but bubkes from the pros. And why in the names of the gods is Daphne not a redhead?

Up next is this tenderloin take of THE SIMPSONS.

I admit that THE SIMPSONS if a tough one to come up with a good parody title for, but I nonetheless throw THE HUMPSONS out there. And I would like to see this one, but not for the sex; I'm intrigued by seeing the familiar characters as portrayed in live action by xanthous-hued makeup and how well those actors nail (excuse the pun) their voices and traits.

Asian-centric filth has a long and rich history of bad titles, many of which play with bad "Chinese-style" naming and perceived phrasing, such as LUCKY ROLL/ORAL FEAST (which sounds like a takeout combo), WANTON WONTONS, ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME, and the ultra-offensive CHINKY CHINKY GANGBANG. Now we get CUM FU, which unfortunately and somewhat surprisingly is not a fuckee-suckee take on the classic '70's show starring David Carradine.

I admit that CUM FU elicted a laugh from me, but I would have preferred a title like ENTER THE DRAGON REPEATEDLY or ENTER THE DRAGON THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

And the there's this item of sheer "What the fuck"-ness:

Exactly who the hell is this aimed at? I don't know about where you grew up, but where I came from "creepy" uncles were roundly vilified and deemed fit only to be immediately fed through a wood-chipper, but I guess like with everything else times have changed for the worse.

Lastly, considering how the porn parody fad rages on like a pandemic, it's only a matter of time until someone gets around to making a porno based on the beloved children's character Gumby. As is seen with items like the aformentioned Scooby-Doo stroker, nothing is sacred, so I can totally picture an ass-fucking variant of the Art Clokey classics called BUMBY, in which Gumby raunches his "pony pal Pokey" up the fudge tunnel (or maybe that would be Pokey's job since it's right there in his very name). And you just know the talent would be decked out in laughably-horrible foam outifts. Also, imagine the intentionally bad re-lyriced version of the classic theme tune:



My rewrite would probably go something like this:

He's equipped with little green balls of claaaay...
BUMBY!
You could be who Bumby cornholes todaaaay...
BUMBY!
He'll ass-raunch each and everyone
With his pony pal Pokey too
If you like it "brown"
Then Bumby is down with yoooooou

That took me mere seconds to write, so I'd probably refine it before submitting a final version. Hey! Why don't you write in with your filthy Gumby theme tune? And while my take on it would be an all-anal version, think of the other variants, such as "Cumby" or "Scumby."

The late Art Clokey and his famed creation. It's only a matter of time until the XXX parody surfaces. Mark my words!

SORRY, NO PORN THIS SUNDAY

Sorry, dear Vaulties, but the recent porn releases have just not been worth highlighting, so we've got bubkes this week. I mean really was there any call for a whole post devoted to stuff of this caliber?

However my mind is still on ribald subjects, with great anticipation of this Thursday's impending feast thrown into the mix of my imagination, so I found this little item that effortlessly fuses the two.

This whole tableau is quite nice, but her glasses push it straight into the stratosphere!

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

It's Sunday again, so it's time once again to make Jesus weep with this week's items of filthy interest.

I know no movie is safe from getting filthified, but was there ever any call for dirty versions of PULP FICTION or FIGHT CLUB?

What the hell kind of title is ANAL SIZE MY MOM? Is it supposed to be some kind of play on SUPER-SIZE ME?

I can't speak for anyone else, but the come-on of "Don't miss my mom's anal cavity search" lacks the poetry of true tag lines like "It's not his nose that grows" (as fondly remembered from the poster for 1971's THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO).

Surely, this next one deserves some kind of award for its title leaving absolutely no question as to the DVD's content.

And if ever there were a candidate for "unlikeliest porn version," this is it:

What cracks me up most about this is that the filmmakers remembered to include the obligatory Asian chick, long a staple on the SOUL TRAIN dance floor. Purists will tell you flat-out that this would not be an accurate parody without her.

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

Here we go again, with some filth to liven up your Sunday! Let's start things off on a classy note with the venerable Nina Hartley in A MILF'S TALE.

To tell the truth, I'm a bigger fan of Hartley's offscreen persona, where she's an outspoken, intelligent advocate for all manner of discourse on sex and sexuality. I think she's cooler than cool.

This next item looks like one of those stick-vids that a guy uses to try and convince his lover is based on literature or some shit, in an attempt to get her to sit through what is nothing more than a run-of-the-mill wank diversion in MASTERPIECE THEATER drag.

What I want to know is how I could be so asleep at the filthy wheel as to not have thought of INSIDE HER TRADING years ago. So simple. So obvious. So utterly brilliant.

WIDE OPEN SLIPPERY ASS MEAT. What could this possibly be about?

Presumably less a porno than a trenchant documentary on a grave sociological problem, BANG BUS 29 chronicles a van that drives around the neighborhood picking up young men who are then coerced into fucking the porn starlets within.

After the previous twenty-eight volumes failed to curtail this baleful scourge of our nation, one hopes that this current examination of the issue will have some effect.

I'm sorry, but I always find these "white chick gazes in awe/horror at a big dick" covers to be hilarious.

Sorry, but I've got to call shenanigans on this one. How dare you give me a porno based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and not show me Snow getting raunched by a septet of little people, especially when I've seen the exact same thing depicted in an R-rated movie (the immortal FAIRY TALES)? Booooo! BOOOOOOOOO!!!

My "ginger fever" is well-documented, so I will always give a shout-out to the titian-tressed lovelies. However I must state that, in my case at least, part of the redhead appeal is the might and majesty of the copper-bush, so why shave your star's snapper as bare as a bagfrog? Again, booooooo! BOOOOOOOO!!!

I may not be a fan of anal antics, but I must give props to this evocative title...

...which displays more of a sense of poetry that this entry from the same sub-genre:

The "Subtle Title of the Week" title goes to ORIENTAL PUSSIES STRETCHED WIDE OPEN.

Trust me, this image in its uncensored form is so graphic that you can pretty much see all the way up to her nostrils.

With the well-deserved runaway success of BATMAN XXX, knockoffs were inevitable. Here's the first of what I'm sure will be an avalanche.

And here's the rather uninspired descriptive copy:

The overrun, bleak dystopia of Gothard City has one stalwart protector: The Bat. In his iconic cape and cowl, Billionaire Bruce defends the city from the scourge of crime. His greatest weapon: his monster cock. He shows off his fantastic ... Full Descriptionprowess by engaging in a thrilling threesome with Blake & Kristina Rose, who are more than willing to do some quick cum swapping.

The Jo-kerr steals Poisen Ivy's latest sex potion to unleash on the unsuspecting population, but not before Ivy (as played by Tory Lane) unleashes her huge tits and takes a scene-stealing rimjob.

The Clown Prince of Crime burns a path of destruction; fighting and fucking his way through the underworld. No one is safe from his carnal fury. Bobbi Starr's hairy bush feels the wrath of Jo-kerr's malevolent dick. Cindy Behr gets a poker chip insertion in her pussy. Rio Lee receives a facial to remember. Only the dashing Bat and his trusty assistants Robina (Krissy Lynn) & Bat Chick (Isis Love) can save Gothard's citizens from Jo-kerr's evil scheme.

This titanic struggle comes to a head in an earth-shattering 12 person orgy featuring Madelyn Marie in the kinky latex of Katwoman, Brynn Tyler riding the sybian and Isis Love squirting all over the place! The screen can't contain all the hot sex in BATFXXX!

"Riding the sybian?" That's a new one on me.

The second Lewis Carroll-inspired porno to surface in the wake of Tim Burton's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, here's MALICE IN LALA LAND, starring Sasha Gray, who was that smokin'-hot Vulcan in THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX.

And check out its descriptive copy:

"Malice In Lalaland" is an innovative Miss Lucifer Productions film shot on 35 mm. Based on the two books by Lewis Carroll: "Alice In Wonderland" and "Through The Looking Glass", we stay true to a strange world and its' even stranger characters. ... Full DescriptionMalice (Sasha Grey) manages to escape from an asylum with the help of Rabbit (Stephen Powers). During her escape from Queenie (Andy San Dimas) and Jabbowski (Dirty Fred), she has the most sexy adventures ever. "Let's Fuck 'N Roll!"

"Let's Fuck 'N' Roll?" What the fuck does that even mean? Sounds too much like "duck and cover" to me.

This next one was so inevitable that I'm amazed it took this long to come out, a production pace I'm sure had to do with it being shot in 3-D.
I'm curious to see how well this will work in 3-D on home video, but I kinda doubt that it'll be in any way inspired. Then again, this ain't exactly Kurosawa.

Lastly, I feel profoundly gypped by this one without even seeing it.

You give me a movie called TEEN MONSTER COCK WORSHIP and neither the Teenage Werewolf nor Teenage Frankenstein are in it? Boooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

It's time once again for our Sunday dose of filthy fun!

The DON'T TELL MY WIFE I ASSFUCKED THE BABYSITTER series keeps on rolling, but what amuses me about this is the title's sub-header of "Because She Will Fucking Kill Me!"

It fills me with a profound sadness to note that we've reached a point where natural tits are rare enough to have become a novelty. I weep.

Okay, I get that there's a market for foot fetishes. But volume 66??? Then again, there are literally gazillions of straight-up conventional porn, so I guess it's all the same when you really break it down.

This four film parody pack is notable for its variety and two great, ludicrous titles. HORAT: THE SEXUAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT BEAUTIFUL NATION OF KAKAFUCKISTAN should win some kind of award for being such a mouthful, and I just have to applaud the simple, utter vulgarity of CUNTOURAGE.

In case you were not aware, apparently Boobzilla has gone black and ain't "cumin'" back. And by "cumin'," they don't mean the essential chili ingredient.

This next one gets the runner-up prize for "Most Subtle Title of the Week."

It was a runner-up because you just can't beat this entry in the "old chick" sub-genre from White Ghetto Films, I WANNA CUM INSIDE YOUR GRANDMA VOL. 7.

This fascinates me for a number of reasons:

• The fact that there is clearly a demand for porn catering to the fantasies of those who want to fuck senior citizens.
• The fact that this is volume seven in a series, no doubt with more to come.
• I was previously unaware that there is apparently an authority somewhere out there that certifies the authenticity of these post-menopausal cream pies. (For those who aren't familiar with the fetish, "cream pie" refers to a pussy visibly overflowing with some bohunk's spent DNA. Who says this column isn't educational?)
• If the releasing company's name is any indication, we've finally reached a point in American culture where white people can apparently claim "ghetto" status and be proud about it.