SARAH THE SCOUNDREL

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is about to become an author. Her memoir is “Going Rogue: An American Life.”

According to Politico:

Publication is being moved up from spring to Nov. 17 in order to catch the holiday book-buying season. The former Alaska governor has been in huge demand as a speaker, and continues to harvest a bounty of media attention.

A mammoth first printing of 1.5 million copies has been ordered — the same first run as “True Compass,” the memoir of the late Sen. Edward M. Kennedy.

Palin had a deadline of Sept. 15 for her manuscript and turned it in a bit early. Copy-editing and fact-checking are now underway in a race to meet the crash publishing schedule, which has been accelerated four or five months because of the huge anticipated demand.

Going rogue, is she? Do you think she understands the definition of the word "rogue"?

–noun
1. a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.
2. a playfully mischievous person; scamp: The youngest boys are little rogues.
3. a tramp or vagabond.
4. a rogue elephant or other animal of similar disposition.
5. Biology. a usually inferior organism, esp. a plant, varying markedly from the normal.
–verb (used without object)
6. to live or act as a rogue.
–verb (used with object)
7. to cheat.
8. to uproot or destroy (plants, etc., that do not conform to a desired standard).
9. to perform this operation upon: to rogue a field.
–adjective
10. (of an animal) having an abnormally savage or unpredictable disposition, as a rogue elephant.
11. no longer obedient, belonging, or accepted and hence not controllable or answerable; deviating, renegade: a rogue cop; a rogue union local.

Ever the maverick, you betcha.

STIMULATE THIS

A Rasmussen poll shows people in a muddle about the stimulus package that President Obama signs into law on Tuesday.

Not quite four in 10 Americans (38%) think the plan will help the economy. Almost three in 10 (29%) think it'll hurt. Another 24 percent don't think it'll do much of either.

Some money grafs:

Middle-income Americans are more likely to believe the bill will hurt rather than help. Those with incomes below $40,000 or above $100,000 are more optimistic.

By a 49% to 24% margin, government employees believe the stimulus plan will help the economy. Private sector workers are evenly divided. Investors are less optimistic than non-investors.

Fifty percent (50%) of voters believe the bill consists primarily of new government spending while 31% believe it is primarily a mix of new spending and tax cuts. Only eight percent (8%) think the legislation consists primarily of tax cuts. According to news reports, the stimulus plan is made up of $281 billion in tax cuts for individuals and businesses and over $500 billion in new government spending.

Half of the electorate buys a too-simple talking point peddled on talk radio. Next thing you know, someone's going to claim that millions of Americans don't believe in evolution. Great.

AFTER THE DELUGE

Even the shouting is over, and for this we give thanks. The 527s focused a concentrated beatdown on Barack Obama in the final weekend before the election, but it all seemed forced, a rote throat ripping that did little more than nick the skin.

A couple weeks ago we said Obama would probably get 51 percent of the popular vote, and 338 electoral votes. Nothing has happened between now and then to change the perception.

There is always the chance that the expected Obama win will turn out to be the electoral version of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction -- all blow, no show. But "slim" would be a generous word to describe John McCain's chances of pulling off an upset. It could happen. It probably won't.

McCain supporters are especially fond of bringing up Dewey defeats Truman. Pollsters can indeed be wrong -- especially as they were in '48, when they stopped taking the public pulse a month before the election. No such luck this cycle.

Rational Republicans acted resigned on Monday (the irrational ones are fierce believers and can never be tugged from their convictions). A few voiced the expected fallback position -- economic doom if Obama is elected and taxes go up. It all sounded very familiar to late 1992 and early 1993, when Bill Clinton was a new Democratic president pushing for higher taxes for well-to-do Americans.

Back in those black-and-white days, not one Republican voted for Clinton's deficit-reduction bill. Not one. They said taxing the upper class would send this country into a depression. They were wrong then, a fact to consider when they try to tell us that the sky will soon fall.

PALIN BY COMPARISON

Late Thursday, and the latest New York Times poll is out. Sen. Barack Obama maintains his apparent lead over Sen. John McCain (51-40 among likely voters in a head-to-head battle; 52-39 when third-party candidates are included). And the news for McCain goes downhill from there.

The poll also indicates Gov. Sarah Palin has become a millstone around McCain's neck. A couple interesting grafs to share:

Nearly a third of voters polled said that the vice-presidential selection would be a major factor influencing their vote for president, and those voters broadly favored Senator Barack Obama. ...

While a majority viewed Ms. Palin as unqualified for the vice presidency, about three quarters of voters saw Mr. Obama’s running mate, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr. of Delaware, as qualified for the job. The increase in the number of voters who said that Ms. Palin was not prepared was driven almost entirely by Republicans and independents.

Overall, views of Ms. Palin were apparently shaped more by ideology and party than by gender. Ms. Palin was viewed as unprepared for the job by about 6 in 10 men and women alike. But 8 in 10 Democrats viewed her as unprepared, as well as more than 6 in 10 independents, and 3 in 10 Republicans.

You know you're in trouble when 30 percent of your party thinks your veep pick is inadequate. What seemed daring a month ago now looks desperate. But Sarah Palin is no Dan Quayle. She'll be back.

OBAMA RETURNING TO SPRINGFIELD

The Democratic presidential nominee was here last summer. Late Wednesday, word trickled out that Barack Obama would make a return visit to Springfield on Saturday night.

No official word yet on where. But the visit raises a few questions:

--Does Obama feel so comfortable about his chances in other swing states that he believes he can spend last-minute time in a region where he is almost certain to lose? The last Democratic presidential nominee to win Greene County was Lyndon Johnson in 1964.

--What are Republicans thinking? A bigfoot Dem is invading their turf on the Saturday before the election, tromping on their two-yard line.

--What's it mean, gentle reader?

You tell us.

THE KHALIDI CON

Barack Obama's friendship with Rashid Khalidi is no surprise, even though it is October. The frantic right wing of the GOP wants to turn that friendship into a last-play game changer that propels John McCain and Sarah Palin to a destiny that is not dusty.

Before Tuesday you will hear more than you ever thought possible about Khalidi and how he ties in to scoundrel William Ayers, the former bomber linked to Obama in a convoluted political version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Added bonus: Media cover-up! Stop the presses! Roll the breaking news animation! Newsteam, assemble!

The conservative media and its pundits are acting like they've hooked King Kahuna. They see Khalidi as the best way to turn niggling doubts about Barack Obama's unusual name and heritage into fear. To them, because Khalidi is pro-Palestinian and a critic of Israel, he's a scary bad man who might hurt you and everything you love, including your country, the flag, apple pie and that new song by Pink.

And right there with the terrorists/guys with weird names is the evil media, covering up the secret ties between Obama and Khalidi because reporters are having Obamagasms at the thought of a black Democrat in the White House.

Listen to the right's latest shout: The Los Angeles Times is trying to suppress proof that Obama and Khalidi are thisclose. The proof is a videotape of a dinner, five years ago, where Obama paid tribute to Khalidi and his wife.

The McCain camp says the Times is "intentionally suppressing information that could provide a clearer link between Barack Obama and Rashid Khalidi."

National Review pants over the Times' "refusal" to hand over the tape.

The Times has a copy of the vid and won't hand it over to the demanders. That's absolutely true. But how does everyone know the Times has the tape? Because the newspaper already told us what's on it.

The Times published a long story about Obama's friendship with Khalidi. It's been out there since April. You can read it right here. It's true: Google can be your friend.

The lede on that newspaper story comes from the video. So does this description of what Obama said:

A special tribute came from Khalidi's friend and frequent dinner companion, the young state Sen. Barack Obama. Speaking to the crowd, Obama reminisced about meals prepared by Khalidi's wife, Mona, and conversations that had challenged his thinking.

His many talks with the Khalidis, Obama said, had been "consistent reminders to me of my own blind spots and my own biases. ... It's for that reason that I'm hoping that, for many years to come, we continue that conversation -- a conversation that is necessary not just around Mona and Rashid's dinner table," but around "this entire world."

So clear now, eh? Obama is the Antichrist. Damn the Times for trying to cover up the Khalidi scandal and refusing to give the American people what they need in these last hours of Vote 2008 -- red meat to rip, and more political ads with grainy images of Men You Should Fear.

Another distraction in what's supposed to be an election about ideas, not innuendo. Meanwhile, the Phil Spector retrial starts Wednesday, and Court TV is sorely missed. Trial coverage on the rebranded truTV ends at 2 p.m. in the Midwest. Any hope of seeing Spector in all his glory, dashed.

SCENE FROM A RALLY

A huge crowd -- at least 10,000, and The Associated Press estimated twice that number -- turned out Friday to see Gov. Sarah Palin at Bass Pro Shops in Springfield.

Like all crowds, this one had all kinds. Most of them were there to rah-rah for the former cheerleader-turned-city manager-turned-nominee for vice president. Others were curious mellow, just out to see the show.

At least a couple were there because they believe in this:

She's no Nazi. A couple of her local supporters are. Such is life in the mighty-white Ozarks.

BLOGGING THE ELECTION

The blogger known as Fat Jack has called the meeting. Local bloggers will gather at Patton Alley Pub at 7 p.m. Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2008, to do some live blogging.

Mainstream media alert: Patton Alley will be the place to be on Election Night. Only question still hanging: how early will the presidential race be called for Barack Obama? For the first time in two cycles and eight years, it looks like an early night for calling it.

This, of course, will give John McCain supporters an excuse to blame the mainstream media for the defeat of their candidate. Some things never change.

Post your Election Night predictions now. Popular vote percentages, electoral numbers, time the winner will be announced by the Big Three networks. We'll climb onto the limb first: 51-47 for Obama, 338-200, and 9:01 p.m. Central.

FINAL DEBATE WINNERS

With a little less than 24 hours to go before the final presidential debate of the 2008 season, we can be sure of certain things:

-- John McCain will huff and puff. He may bring up the Bill Ayers issue, as he threatened to do on Tuesday:

"You have another debate coming up. The final debate. Many of your supporters are eager for you to confront Senator Obama on the Bill Ayers relationship in particular. Hillary Clinton even brought this up during the primary. Sen. Obama says you should have the guts to do it in person. So will you?" McCain was asked by KMOX's Mark Reardon.

"Oh yeah," said McCain. "You know, I was astonished to hear him say that he was surprised for me to have the guts to do that. Because the fact is that the question did not come up in that fashion so -- you know -- I think he's probably ensured that it will come up this time."

But only if the moderator brings up the issue first. We think. Probably.

-- McCain will try to mute the manic. He must do this to even have a chance of winning. Barack Obama's biggest strength in the past two debates was his serious calm. He acted like a president; people could see him in that role. That put him on level ground with McCain.

-- Obama will do everything not to screw up. He's the only one who can lose this race. He's got to know there are millions of people looking for an excuse to opt-out of voting for Obama. Some don't like him because he's black. Some don't like him because he's got a thin resume. Some don't like him because he's the modern-era Slick Willie, always a little too smart for his own good. One false move by Obama on Wednesday and daylight will disappear between him and McCain.

-- Everyone will smile when it's over, and we will know nothing more of substance about either of the two men running to run our world. The debate commission should starts charging the candidates lowest-unit rate for the ad time. Viewers get talking points, burnished by months of stump time. Lots of sound, little fury. Maybe we should make then dance.

ONLY THE SHOUTING REMAINS

A little less than a month before the presidential election and the result is already becoming clear -- Barack Obama is going to win. The latest polls show him hovering at or above the 50-percent mark, ahead of John McCain by a half-dozen points and winning the perception game. Many McCain supporters expect Obama to triumph, even though the feeling is acid to their intestines. Lost faith, abandoned hope.

Only a cataclysm -- the proverbial dead girl or live boy -- can keep Obama from winning on Nov. 4. He'll be nicked and bloodied plenty before the votes are cast, but McCain cannot stop him. Neither can Sarah Palin, no matter how loud her bark. Devoid of discussion about their plans for our future, the GOP ticket has been reduced to incessant yapping about the badness of their opponents. They are Bob Dole without the humor, Walter Mondale without the eloquence. All they can do is smile and bray and pretend the hurricane hammering the screen door is only a drizzle.

Pretending -- or, as they like to call it, creating a new reality, a master trick of this century's Republican Party. As one of President Bush's senior advisers said in 2002:

"[W]e create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors ... and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."

People attached to that "senior adviser" (read: Karl Rove) are now in John McCain's campaign posse; their greasy thumbprints are all over the place, instantly recognizable to the naked political eye.

They're rolling out the dogeared book of dirty tricks and pulling out their favorite reality changers. The biggest crowd-pleaser, naturally, involves demonizing The Media. Rolling Stone publishes a solid on McCain's unflattering past, but most conservatives won't bother to read it -- they're convinced the mainstream media is out to get their guy and his purty sidekick, dadgummit, so you can't believe anything The Media says.

This, of course, is a reliable hypocrisy from the camp that loves to hate. In their twist on twisted reality, The New York Times is a vile snakepit of liberal Obamabot liars, except when they write about Obama's connections to '60s radical William Ayers. That's when the Times is gospel money.

(One of our favorite conservative alternate-reality pranks is the "you won't see this in the mainstream media" snipe hunt. About once a month somebody will send an e-mail with a story or pictures about a heartwarming, positive story, datelined Iraq, with the header: You Won't See THIS In The Mainstream Media. The story, without fail, was written by The Associated Press and published across the country.)

The neo-reals have also uncorked the "some say" genie, a cousin to "fair and balanced." The latter claims "both sides" need to be heard, even if one side insists science is valid and the other clings to supernatural magic. Thank God the people who spew this line weren't reporting in 1945; they would have asked the Nazis for their side of the Holocaust -- you know, just to be fair and balanced.

Their "some say" attacks are clumsy but effective. "Some say Barack Obama is a Muslim." "Some say Obama is a sleeper agent for Al Qaeda." "Some say Obama is actually Osama bin Laden's second cousin, once removed." It might be bilge water, sure, but some say it's true, so why not have that debate? We don't expect McCain to go that far in his Tuesday debate with Obama, but anything is possible when a certifiably insane man runs for president. There could even be knives, though we suspect the debate commission will probably run both candidates through metal detectors before they take the stage.

McCain has no choice but to throw the long, noxious pass -- think of it as a Hail Mary stinkbomb. If it lands just right it will cover Obama in muck so deep and vile that every other Chicago politician will seem spotless by comparison. And even that might not be enough to stop Obama.

This is John McCain, distilled. Half a lifetime spent gladhanding and grinning, plotting and attaining, now reduced to one last gambit that probably won't work. Purgatory can be peculiar, especially in an unreal reality.

SARAH PALIN READS EVERYTHING

Every newspaper, every magazine, every bit of journalism on the face of the planet. She said so herself, in an interview aired Tuesday on CBS.

An excerpt from the interview:

Couric: And when it comes to establishing your worldview, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this to stay informed and to understand the world?

Palin: I've read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media.

Couric: What, specifically?

Palin: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years.

Couric: Can you name a few?

Palin: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news, too. Alaska isn't a foreign country, where it's kind of suggested, "Wow, how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, D.C., may be thinking when you live up there in Alaska?" Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

Who's in charge of making sure Palin doesn't sound like a fool?

Oh, she's also pro-contraception, and says it doesn't matter what causes global warming, because "it's real; we need to do something about it." Something for everyone to criticize.

GHOSTS FROM BACK THERE

Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah wants everyone to donate $7 to stop Sen. Barack Obama from becoming president. Being the unimaginative sort, Hatch begs for bucks in a fundraising letter that epitomizes the problem with today's GOP -- it can't stop living in the past.

Writes Hatch:

You'd think it was the 1970s all over again.

Barack Obama is resurrecting Jimmy Carter's failed tax, energy and economic plans.

Iran is saber-rattling against the West.

And, Hanoi Jane Fonda is stumping for liberal Senate candidates.

That's right, tonight Jane Fonda and all of her far-left Hollywood liberal friends are expected to raise $1 million for Democrat Senate candidates with one goal in mind -- to break our Senate firewall and seize total control of our government!

"Everything now is 'Obama, Obama, Obama,' but we're also concerned about the Senate, which is critically important no matter who wins the White House. We need to give the Democrats a majority totaling at least 60 senators."

These Hollywood liberals understand the stakes. A 60-seat filibuster-proof super majority means conservatives would be powerless to stop the liberal agenda in the Senate.

Hollywood may not be on our side, but we have you.

Reds under Hollywood's beds, all that. Dusty bluster. No new ideas.

LIKE 1968, ONLY BETTER

Forty years ago. The Election of Attrition. A political year of blood and mayhem, with the pitiful survivors of November crawling into an arena frequented only months earlier by the stars of their sport. Lyndon Johnson took a powder. So did Robert Kennedy, literally. Nelson Rockefeller was figuratively killed by his party for being too liberal, too Happy.

Democrats were left to front Hubert Humphrey, the happy-faced, fast-talking vice president. Republicans backed Richard Nixon, a paranoid scowler who'd already blown one bid for the White House. Everyone else got George Wallace, a racist still unaware of the bullet and wheelchair in his future.

We flash forward to four decades later and the circle is closed. The best candidates -- at least on the Democratic bench -- are back to flipping impeachment burgers (Dennis Kucinich) and minding the Senate store (Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton). The Republicans overlooked an optimist and a Mormon.

Who would have bet six months ago that John McCain might beat Barack Obama? Bill Clinton:

"[H]e has some redeeming qualities for a Republican: he doesn't believe in toture, he supported campaign finance reform and he doesn't think global warming is a myth ... So it is not gonna be all that easy to beat him."

The Obama faithful sniffed and barked at the Big Dog for not snapping a stiff-armed salute at their Leader, but the Dog knows the truth: This is politics, not the debate club. Want to implement the ideas, the ideals? Win. Or at least act like you want to win, and try to keep your nutty fan club (relatives, close associates, pastors, pill-popping spouses) in the basement until the polls close in the general election.

Obama should be 10, maybe 12 points ahead of McCain at this point, getting ready to vet the cabinet. Bill Clinton was beating Bob Dole like Balboa beats beef slabs in August 1996. Because Clinton knew it's all about the lowest common denominator. Save the oration for the inauguration.

We said last January that McCain was off-his-rocker crazy -- a clinical term, not tossed around lightly -- and thus unqualified to be President of the United States. He's still all that, but turns out he's fox crazy, too, cunning and willing to use the WASP knife in battle. Hence the priggish Sarah Palin, a meaty bone to the GOP base that can't stand McCain (McPain is one of the nicer nicknames the far right uses).

McCain knows he's using his base to win. He knows he's using Palin, even if he believes she's unqualified. He's already on record belittling wanna-bes:

"I am prepared. I am prepared. I need no on-the-job training. I wasn't a mayor for a short period of time. I wasn't a governor for a short period of time."

Democrats will try to use McCain's words against him, but it won't work. They're too angry at Republican hypocrisy to think straight. They're baffled by the bullshit, belittling Palin at their peril. Wily Willie Brown, the best political animal ever to set foot in California, hailed the Palin pick as a brilliant political move:

"Republicans are now on offense and Democrats are on defense. And we don't do well on defense."

Joe Biden has been defanged by the choice of Palin. That attack dog won't hunt. Obama is spending too much time talking about the Republicans' veep pick, not enough time keeping it simple. And raising money, given his flip-flop on public financing of his campaign. He's got to raise $100 million a month to meet his fundraising goals, and he's falling short. While Obama begs for bucks, McCain campaigns.

Democrats don't get it. John McCain wants to win. They want to whine.

PRIMARY NIGHT

Sarah Steelman tried but failed to topple Missouri's GOP machine and its chosen candidate, Kenny Hulshof.

A Matt Blunt-appointed circuit judge fails to hold onto his seat in Greene County.

And a Springfield sales tax sails to victory, 81-19, despite one tiny corner's loud attempts to bully people into voting "no."

Not quite 20-percent of registered voters in Greene County cast ballots on Tuesday. Pitiful that turnout was seen as OK.

At KSPR, the web served as platform for a nearly hour-long newscast, starting at 9 p.m. The newly installed news ticker digested and spit out results as fast as we could keyboard them into the system.

Did the primaries turn out the way you expected them to?

DOWN AND OUT IN JEFF CITY

An interesting op-ed in the Wall Street Journal highlights the difficulties facing Missouri Republicans in November. Selected grafs:

For an insight as to why the GOP is down and out in Washington, take a look at Jefferson City. That's where Sarah Steelman, the state treasurer, is running in an Aug. 5 primary for the Missouri governorship. And it's where her reform campaign against earmarks and self-dealing is threatening the entrenched status quo, causing her own party to rise against her.

So bitter are House Minority Whip Roy Blunt and Sen. Kit Bond at Ms. Steelman's attack on their cherished spending beliefs that last month they rallied the entire Missouri congressional delegation to put out a public statement openly criticizing her campaign against six-term U.S. Rep. Kenny Hulshof. Joining them in their support of Mr. Hulshof has been the vast majority of the state Republican machine. Ms. Steelman is clearly doing something right. ...

Ms. Steelman's Republican colleagues were livid with her attempt to strip them of comfy pensions, annoyed with her "sunshine law" requiring them to be more open in their dealings, furious at her attacks on their ethanol boondoggles, appalled that she criticized GOP state Speaker Rod Jetton for moonlighting as a paid political consultant. The final straw was her temerity to make her primary race about her opponent's Washington earmarking record.

For Mr. Blunt, this is also just a wee bit personal. His son, Matt, is the outgoing governor, and has been on the receiving end of a few Treasurer Steelman blasts. Last year she stopped payment on a $70,000 secret check his administration cut to settle a sexual harassment suit against an official. Her demand for transparency blew the case into the open, infuriating GOP colleagues. ...

Mr. Hulshof has been able to tout his own history as an ethics reformer, though the fervor with which his party's regulars have embraced him has undercut that message. His real weakness is that despite conservative credentials on taxes or social issues, he's run wild with the GOP crowd that just won't relinquish the pork. Which is of course why Mr. Blunt (who pioneered House earmarks) and Mr. Bond (who sits at earmark central, the Senate appropriations committee) love him.

Happy happy joy joy for Jay Nixon, Missouri's attorney general and Democratic candidate for governor. Nixon's a terrible public speaker and uninspiring gubernatorial candidate. But in this campaign cycle, all he needs is a pulse to be competitive.

SPEAK IN MANY TONGUES

Sen. Barack Obama said this week that Americans need to make sure their kids know how to speak Spanish. Jingoists reared up and said Obama has it wrong -- Americans need to make sure immigrants know how to speak English.

Pollster Rasmussen has it this way:

A national telephone survey conducted last month by Rasmussen Reports found ... 83% place a higher priority on encouraging immigrants to speak English as their primary language. Just 13% take the opposite view and say it is more important for Americans to learn other languages.

It's not an either/or debate -- it shouldn't be, at least -- but it's startling to see how fury over illegal immigration has created devolution among many formerly high-functioning humans. Their offspring will curse their stubborn bones.

Pissed about immigrants not knowing English? Volunteer in an ESL class. While you're at it, learn Standard Mandarin. It's the skill of the future.

MULLETS FOR MCCAIN

Ozarks definition of a mullet: The driver of a slow-moving RV, usually on a winding highway around Branson, always in front of you.

As RV Business reports, a poll shows mullets love Sen. John McCain:

Fully 67% of the 346 participants cast their ballots for Republican Senator McCain. Democratic Senator Barack Obama was a distant second at 25% while Libertarian Bob Barr carried 2% and another 6% were undecided.

The overwhelming factor among McCain supporters was his level of experience.

"There are several key issues, including national security, taxes and the economy," said a member of the supplier community. "Obama is inexperienced and has no track record to be qualified to lead our country. It's somewhat unbelievable he has gotten this far."

Slow-moving drivers for a slow-moving president.

PEACE, LOVE, KNOWLEDGE

Barack Obama campaigned hard to end politics "as we know it" -- a kōan perfect for the picayune American mind obsessed with change. Too many Americans are blissfully ignorant about politics (one in three can't name the governor of their state, and three in 10 can't name the vice president of their country). They want to change politics as they don't know it. Maybe then they'll pay attention.

But then again, no. Attention requires effort requires sacrifice, and we're just not into that. What, we should search for information and actually read it? Exercise the big muscle between the ears? Maybe if you bring it to our (desk)(couch)(bed) and hand it to us with the really important stuff highlighted. So, you know, we don't have to work at it.

And slap a slogan on it. We love slogans. "Change We Can Believe In." "A Leader We Can Believe In." "Ignorance Is Strength."

The men who would lead our country appreciate and rush to the lowest common denominator. They talk good, high-minded games to the faithful in their flocks, but they cater to the people who know Peyton Manning but draw a blank on Vladimir Putin, the folks who can't name the Sunni branch of Islam (to them, probably, all Muslims are sweaty, swarthy terrorists).

They follow another time-honored kōan: Keep it simple. Don't bother with facts. Nugget-sized platitudes and zingers, hold the sauce. Don't discuss the difficulties in the Middle East, the complexities of the U.S. relationship with China, the fact that Americans pay half as much (or less) than Europeans at the pump. Don't make people think. Hurts. Brains.

John McCain comes to Springfield on Wednesday. He's supposed to talk about energy and the economy. Avid Republicans will eat the sweets (even though they don't especially care for the confectioner). Avid Democrats will naysay his offerings as leftovers from the Bush kitchen.

Everyone else will wonder why traffic around Missouri State University is bollixed up, but only if it's inconvenient to them. What they know about John McCain and Barack Obama would fill a bumper sticker but not a brochure. They will decide this election based on the last, best slogan they saw on a 30-second ad, sometime in late October.

"The darkness of insanity," as the immortal poet-philospher Declan Patrick MacManus put it. Don't bother looking for a switch. The strong and the trusted like it better with the lights out.

PAST BLASTS, REVIVED

A couple bullets for your Sunday:

•A reporter has tracked down Adolf Hitler's nephew -- to America. Here's a graf from David Gardner's Telegraph story about Hitler's nephew and his offspring:

I was to discover that the Hitler bloodline was carried on through William Patrick's four sons - one of whom died in a road accident in 1989 - and that the brothers had decided in a remarkable pact not to have children themselves in order that Adolf Hitler's genes would die with them.

•The Daily Mail has the story of Sen. John McCain's first wife, Carol, and how she became a former. Suffice to say it doesn't flatter the GOP presidential candidate. After he returned home from a Vietnamese prison, he kicked her to the curb for a prettier model:

Ross Perot, who paid her medical bills all those years ago, now believes that both Carol McCain and the American people have been taken in by a man who is unusually slick and cruel – even by the standards of modern politics.

"McCain is the classic opportunist. He’s always reaching for attention and glory," he said.

"After he came home, Carol walked with a limp. So he threw her over for a poster girl with big money from Arizona. And the rest is history."

Is John McCain history, too? Not a chance.

TRAIN IN VAIN

Some things you can explain away, as the still-living Mick Jones and unfortunately dead Joe Strummer once wrote. A 22-year-old woman probably doesn't know who Barney Fife is because she was born 18 years after The Andy Griffith Show ended (and those last three seasons had the sucky color episodes with a scant six cameos from Barney, so they barely count).

But that's pop culture -- handy to have in a game of trivia, worthless in The Big Scheme of Things. The 22-year-old couldn't care less that the nicotine patch was patented the year she was born. All that matters is that it exists now for her fag-addicted parents.

But that same woman almost certainly knows who Abraham Lincoln was. She knows that the Statue of Liberty is in New York; that George Washington was the nation's first president; that JFK was shot by a bunch of crazies led by Tommy Lee Jones in a bad wig. Back and to the left.

That stuff is history, the umbrella of facts protecting us from hailstones of ignorance, each the size of a Yankee pot roast. Get thwacked with enough of them and society disintegrates to a mush that looks suspiciously like rutabaga floating in the roast's greasy excretions.

We're already partway there, close to being overcooked in our own juices. And for once it's not tabloidism feeding the fire under the pot; this time it's political zeal.

Barack Obama's followers -- and that's what many of them are -- see his campaign for what they want it to be. Even though they're not political virgins they want to be deflowered by a sweet-talking man who says it might hurt, but only for a minute, and then everything's going to be different, you'll see. No more politics as usual.

They think it's the first time that something like a contested primary has every happened, and goddamn that Hillary Clinton for getting in the way of Change. Bitch. She can't clinch the nomination so she should drop out. And who cares if he can't win the nomination, either. It's all her fault.

They want this experience to be neat and tidy and not too taxing. They want a political coronation, not a convention, and their bowels are in an uproar because they're choosing to ignore history. Politics is football played with knives and the occasional smuggled handgun. Even the saint from Chicago knows the bloody backstory.

His followers doesn't want a convention fight because, on some level, they know their Leader will be seen by all for what he already is -- a politician full of hubris and mostly false platitudes who happens to give one helluva speech. Everyone already knows that's what Clinton is, minus the speech thing. Better the general public finds this out about Obama before the fall campaign.

If Dems are lucky this year's convention will be more 1952 than 1968. A contested contest and plenty of drunken courtesans. Maybe a knife wound or two, but no fatal gunfire. Scars heal, and the winner will face John McCain, a crazy pirate with plenty of his own scars, seen and unseen. The Democratic nominee should be equally battle-hardened. A Gonzo tattoo would be a nice touch.

For now, Democrats need to be democratic and let this slasher-flick of a primary season play its course. Let it go to the convention in August. Democrats who want to short-circuit the season say it's unnecessary roughness. Tell it to Michael Myers and his fellow travelers. It's past time to remember that this is politics, nobody's a virgin, and your candidate is probably going to be sodomized. Enjoy the show.

In the touchingly dark film No Country for Old Men, an older, wiser lawman chastises the sheriff played by Tommy Lee Jones for overworrying about the violence of the current world:

What you got ain't nothin new. This country is hard on people. Hard and crazy. Got the devil in it yet folks never seem to hold it to account. ... You can't stop what's comin'. Ain't all waitin' on you. That's vanity.

Up till now the Clinton-Obama battle has been relatively bloodless. The timid want it to stop. If they will just get out of the way, captive bolt pistols will be brandished and real mayhem can begin.