I come from a great middle class family. It has flaws, but we are a family, and we love each other. We grew up in a community where "families" were the rule, not an exception. I joined a church at 17 that REALLY believes in families. I think that a solid, stable and lifelong connection to another person that you love is a worthy and wonderful goal. I like people who are stable, aren't living drug addicted or messed up lives. I like people who have a positive attitude and work for the betterment of society. Don't we all?
I've read and heard a lot of comments over the past 10 years about the "gay lifestyle." I think most of that is a myth, but I've met enough Gay men to know that there are a lot of people with some serious issues. They hold a lot of shame, pent up anger, and most of the ones that I know have been placed in a really tough moral dilemma by the conflict between their sexuality and their religion. They are either going through, or have come through the "coming out" process. Repression of their real selves has often created a big mess which they find themselves in. A lot of them have gotten lost in the mire of life, though I'm certainly not saying straight people don't have the same problems.
Our culture and society have given "straight" people a path. The path is a way to grow up, socialize, date others, and maybe fall in love. If that happens, they can legally and religiously marry, which provides them with a lot of benefits in our world. It enables them to create a fairly powerful bond that goes beyond mere attraction. It's lifelong commitment. In a lot of ways, it is what our society calls "legitimate." It is frankly, a pretty comfortable shell, if well maintained...
By contrast, lets look at the life of a gay man. He grows up, usually hiding part of himself. He socializes, but as I know, often feels "different" or separated from others. In the past, very few ever started "dating" in high school, or college for that matter. They were too busy hiding from themselves or keeping their secret from others. Their socializing with the intent of finding affection was pretty limited. If they broke through that barrier (no small task), they could start that process (usually 5 to 10 years after straight folks). But the process was missing part of the "end game." It offered no legal bond, or formal, community endorsed union. It didn't provide the same legal, tax, probate, employee benefits that straight couples could form. And I'm putting it mildly. Legal discrimination in the form of anti-sodomy laws, and much much more fought against their union. A "legitimate" union, in the view of our society, did not exist.
In my view, the lack of that "end game" is a real handicap to building the kind of stable, lifelong connection to another person that I feel we all should be able to pursue. It contributes to the "issues" these Gay folks have, and doesn't help them with the demons they face in this world. Frankly put, they need that "end game" as a legitimate, society recognized and sanctioned goal.
History is an excellent teacher, and if any of you want to see what the "lack" of a pathway creates, hunt down the PBS documentary on the Stonewall Riots. The documentary shares the stories of what gay life was like in New York City back in the late 1960's. Frankly, it was horrible. Police brutality, lack of privacy, and most of the time, the only expression of their sexuality wasn't exactly a beautiful intimate experience with a true companion. I'll leave it to you to learn what I'm talking about by watching the documentary. http://video.pbs.org/video/1889649613/ After I watched it, I understood how the AIDS epidemic was able to simply destroy so many lives. Watching the movie Philadelphia (1993) also provides a glimpse of that world.
No church, or society is ever going to be able to prevent men from being gay, or prevent women from being lesbians. And we as a society should want all people to have an uninhibited path towards a good life. We want them to be stable, industrious, good neighbors without all sorts of troubles, addictions, etc. So for heaven's sake--could we please start supporting them in creating these sort of lives by enabling them, instead of handicapping them?
Kurt R. Peterson
Awesome post! Thank you, and thanks for posting on MBB, that's how I found you!
ReplyDeleteI really agree with your post. I wonder how different my life would have been if I had understood my feelings when I was young, realized I was gay, and had the chance to be myself. I've had a good life for the most part, but it was only a partial life. My life has a fullness that was not there until I fell in love with my man.
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