Call yourself a writer?

Along with a bunch of others, I've been tagged by hack-cum-blogger Linda Jones to come clean about my writing career. That'll be the writing career that was once very promising, lapsed somewhat when I exiled myself across the Great Ditch (aka the Channel) for over a decade, and is currently languishing in the doldrums as all my pitches vanish into a commissioning editor's black hole or two. But what the hell, I still call myself a hack and I'm not one to run away from a challenge. So, despite my current lack of any paid writing work whatsoever (and thank gawd for the editing work that's still paying the rent), herewith my answers to Joner's questions...

Which words do you use too much in your writing?

All manner of sweary stuff, especially on here. Writing for an adult mag also means I can use lots of anglo-saxon verbs and nouns legitimately, which gives me a smidgen of childish joy. I suspect the majority of this blog's vocabulary consists of grouchy, grumpy words as this is where I like to whinge. Fortunately for the rest of the world, my paid writing is more cheerful if no less serious. Or should that be was? And will be again if some lovely, charming editor ever hires me again this decade. Pleeeeeeeeease! Oh, go on. You won't regret it.

Which words do you consider overused in stuff you read?

I've given up reading a lot of mags for pleasure as they all seem to emanate from cliché central these days. I'm sick of reading about outmoded yet still perpetuated male/female stereotypes, how much I'm supposed to love designer labels, and crappy trivia about Z-list "stars". Oops, there's one - Z-list. "Dumbed down" is another overused phrase but I think it's appropriate for describing a lot of publications now. Sharp, interesting, thought-provoking and original writing seems to be in ever-shorter supply. And while the Liz Joneses of this world earn megabucks for peddling crap, many fantastic journalists are losing their jobs.

What's your favourite piece of writing by you?

I'm quite proud of this blog. And the various ones that preceded it. I had a brilliant blog about my sex life for several years, but I took it down a while back for various reasons. I've saved all the posts - racy, intellectual and entertaining as they are - and they may yet re-emerge in another format.

Of the paid stuff, I'm fond of my early stuff - I interviewed some great bands, including some I discovered and introduced to the wider world. I did some corking political features before I got cynical and cared less. And I had a fabulously bitchy TV review column in a listing mags for a while, although when they started televising the House of Lords I nearly got fired for calling the great and good "doddery old cocksuckers".

Regrets, do you have a few? Is there anything you wish you hadn't written?

Very few. I got expelled from boarding school for writing porn just before I was 13. That pissed my parents off immensely but I can't say I regret it - the school was awful and I really hated it but that youthful beginning got me out of there, so I don't regret that at all.

I've had a few run-ins with editors when I sailed too close to the wind and nearly sparked a few lawsuits. There was a column about the alleged drug habits of a certain Rezillo, for example, that had to be withdrawn and apologised for. The one about the doddery old cocksucking aristocracy that earned me a major bollocking. And a few others in a similar vein that nearly saw me collect a P45. I like to take risks, though, and tell it like it is. Safe is boring.

The only thing I really regret is getting utterly rat-arsed in the pub one night and telling a roomful of fellow hacks which famous Fleet Street journo I'd been shagging while still doing my indentures... They've never let me live it down.

How has your writing made a difference? What do you consider your most important piece of writing?

I doubt it. I went into journalism because I wanted to write. I wanted to change the world too, but I did that by getting involved with various causes and earning brownie points by doing stints on picket lines and at Greenham Common, and drinking lots of beer at benefit gigs, not by writing. I'd be amazed if anything I wrote had actually changed anything. In 31 years, I've only had one reader come forward and say thanks for making a difference. Which just proves that I'm utterly expendable as a journalist.

Name three favourite words

Hot, metal, and pub...

...And three words you're not so keen on

My office. Now.

Do you have a writing mentor, role model or inspiration?

Jean Scroggie was my English teacher when I was 14. She was everything I didn't want to be - prim, Scottish, repressed and a spinster. But she gave us a short-story writing assignment at which I astonished myself. She gave me the highest praise imaginable and I beamed, because she gave me permission to believe in my talent. Sadly, the story - called "Flight" and demonstrating a maturity way beyond my years - went missing shortly afterwards and I've been gutted about it for the last 33 years.

What's your writing ambition?

To get commissioned again. Honestly. Right now I'm at my lowest ebb ever as a journalist. I know it's not me - there's a recession on and my industry is going through upheavals that will change its landscape for ever. I'm not starving as I have enough corporate writing and copy-editing work coming in. But I'd really rather be writing for the press. Any press. Well, ok, not the Daily Mail, I wouldn't stoop that low. (Not even for Liz Jones' salary?) Is it too much to hope for that someone out there still wants to pay me NUJ minimum?

Plug alert! List any work you would like to tell your readers about:

Well, there was that book earlier this year. The one I still hate my publishers for because they mucked me around so much. I couldn't possibly plug the other stuff without outing myself. Those in the know know what else I've done or is shortly about to hit the shops. None of it will make my fortune so I should probably consider drafting some ghastly chick-lit novel instead. Or flogging this blog to a publisher...

Tag alert!

I gather I'm supposed to saddle some other suckers writers and bloggers with the challenge of furthering this meme. So, in no particular order:

Anne Brooke

Bill Hilton

Scott Colvey

The rules according to Joner: If you have time to do this meme, then please link to this blog entry, then link to three to five other writers or bloggers and pass it on, asking them to answer your questions and link to you. You can add, remove or change one question as you go. You absolutely do not have to be what you may think of as a "published" or "successful" writer to respond to this meme, I hope people can take the time to reflect on what their blogging has brought them and how it has been useful to others.

The purpose of Xmas

...is the opportunity to work uninterrupted!

I'm not mad about Xmas at the best of times. I'm not religious and even if I was, Xmas would be from another religion. I do enjoy exchanging gifts with those I care about but I can quite happily ignore the rest. I reserve particular loathing for the rampant commercialism and the fact that shops seem to start the Xmas sales push earlier every year.

This year is the first in a very long time I have not spent the day with others. I was a bit nervous at first that I might wobble and feel a bit lonely, but in fact I have quite enjoyed the day. I slept late (till 8am!) then got up to brew tea and potter. It was warm so I left the back door open for several hours so my boy could play outside. And then, after coffee and phone calls, as the clock struck noon, I settled down to work.

Yes, work.

No, I've not gone mad.

But I do have a looming deadline. You may recall I signed a book contract some months ago. The manuscript is due on New Year's Eve so this week is my last opportunity to finish the writing, read it back, polish where necessary and correct any typos that have crept in.

Once I had the family phone calls out of the way, I was able to relish the bliss of working with no distractions. No clients ringing. No pop-up telling me I have email. No urge to waste time on Facebook or other forums. There's been a limited amount of activity on Twitter. But the net has been very quiet because everyone's doing Xmas with other people. And I've had pure, uninterrupted time to focus. I got a huge amount of work done before knocking at 5 to cook some dinner then veg out on the sofa to watch TV. I actually felt I'd really earned the right to watch telly after writing 4,000 words.

I almost wish it was Xmas every day. I love it when it's so quiet and I can be so productive. Xmas is a great cure for procrastination. And of course, if it was Xmas every day, I'd get a double helping of EastEnders as a reward for getting so much done.

I'l be working like this for the next 6 days. Then, on New Year's Eve I'll be printing my manuscript off, parcelling it up and popping it in the post to my publisher. My reward? A night out to see in 2009.

A book and a video

I may be about to land a book-writing contract.

{jumps up and down and makes funny whoop-whoop noises}

A lovely hack colleague of mine suggested me to her publisher last week as a potential author for a practical handbook on living with epilepsy. I quickly fired off some emails - one to the publisher to establish initial contact, one to a hack pal who is also a published author and very generous in helping other writers put together credible book proposals - I asked her for a copy of her fabled how-to-do-it guide.

On Monday, the publisher emailed back and invited me to call her for a chat. I did so this morning, having read through her company's general briefing for pitching to write a title for them. We had a very useful discussion and the upshot is I've been asked to put together a proposal within the next fortnight. She seemed very keen to have me on board, as I'd be writing very much from an inside point of view. Fingers crossed, I'll get the contract.

It's not going to make my fortune, that is clear, but it'll be good to have a book on the old CV and boost my profile. And I know I will enjoy writing it.

In other news, yet another hack pal has been busy creating. Cast your mind back a couple of months to our dear food critic Giles Coren and his little tantrum towards the subs at The Times. Naturally, an outburst like that doesn't get forgotten quickly and the hackosphere is still chattering about it. Enter my pal Shandypockets who, while ill in bed the other day, put a video together for our amusement.

The clip is from a 2004 movie called Der Untergang (The Downfall). The subtitles, however, belong solely to Shandypockets.

Enjoy!

Going freelance - getting started

A couple of days ago, a journo friend of mine dropped by for a coffee during the mid-afternoon lull. I could see she was really stressed and it didn't take long to find out why. She works really hard on our local paper and we all know that salaries on British regional papers are a joke. My friend has real talent for writing but is struggling to raise her family on her pitiful income. Unsurprisingly, she's looking to freelance on the side until she can make the leap and do it full-time. Time for a brain-pick.

My top tips?

1. Get a blog. Build it in Wordpress or Typepad so you can have static pages as well for showing clippings, adding a biog and a contact page. And the blog is not only ongoing proof you can write, it's a chance to specialise in niche areas you are passionate about. Result - instant website at minimal cost.

2. Join a good freelancing forum. I always recommend Journobiz as it is supportive - members are very generous with advice and contacts, and it's a good watercooler when you feel alone. I wouldn't survive the working day, stuck at home as I am, without dropping in regularly.

3. Get an accountant. When you're still on a contract and PAYE, freelance earnings are easy to declare on the tax return. But once you make the leap, the time you'd spend struggling to fill in the form is time better spent earning money. My accountant takes a day maximum to verify my accounts and file my tax return. If I did it myself, it would take a week. I save money by paying the accountant to do it for me. And she's a tax-deductible expense. The same theory applies to other situations. It would take me half a day to clean the house (which I do actually do right now) - hiring a cleaner would be cheaper. Ok, the char is not an allowable expense but the convenience frees up my time to earn.

4. Pick your listings. I pay for listings in several professional directories. None are massively expensive (each averages at £55 pa) but they have to earn their keep. I only need one really well-paid gig from each to justify renewing the listing when it's time. Anything else is a bonus. I choose my listings with care - any that don't pay their way get discarded. Well, you wouldn't run an ad in a magazine that didn't bring in business, would you?

5. Join your union. It's no secret that I have deep misgivings about the NUJ, which I recently rejoined purely for practical reasons. When you're staff, you get the press card automatically. When you're flying solo, if you want accreditation, you need to join something. It's not just about the press card. The union does offer other benefits too, like free legal advice and cheap professional indemnity insurance. And it's funny how when redundancies loom at a workplace, the NUJ sees a spike in membership applications... But seriously, it's better to be in the tent pissing out when you work for yourself, and have at least something behind you.

The bonuses? No boss, no commute, no office politics and complete freedom to work for whomever you choose...