Don't Forget the Kids!

In divorces, children are often fought over and fought about.  Sometimes there are responsible parents and often one or both parents are not responsible.  As a reminder for parents going through divorces, or starting to think about going through a divorce, here are some of the major concerns that children may experience when their parents are divorcing. You need to be prepared with reassuring responses.

1.  Where will we live?  Will we have to move?  Can we stay in this house?

2.  Who will I live with?

3.  Will I still have the same friends?

4.  Can I still play with ________?

5.  Will I get to see (my mother, or father)?

6.  Do I have to go see ________?

7.  Will I stay in the same school?

8.  Will there be enough money to pay the bills?

9.  What if I don't like the new house, neighborhood, school, etc.?

10. How will I get around?

11. Will my parents stop loving me?  Will they leave me, too?

12. Will my parents move away?

13.Did I do something wrong and cause the divorce?

If you are approaching a divorce, or going through one, think about these concerns.  You should do your best to minimize the problems for your children.  It would be a good idea to get a counselor for your children, as well as for you. No one is really prepared for the emotional and other issues that crop up during a divorce.

Do yourself and your children a favor and get some help from a professional counselor, in addition to the legal help from your attorney!

Tips for Avoiding Holiday Explosions

Traditionally, holidays present an opportunity for family fun and relaxation or for conflict. Families tend to create their own hierarchy of preferred holidays. Work and vacation schedules have a major influence on whether certain holidays are important or not for a family. Once there is a divorce or a court order to manage child possession schedules, conflicts sometimes surface.

Court orders tend to create some arbitrary divisions of holidays, and sometimes that's the best approach because the parties just will not agree on anything. In a more mature environment, however, there are ways to minimize the conflict. With the 4th of July approaching, here's some tips to keep in mind to help maintain a peaceful holiday.

• Plan ahead. If you can work out plans well in advance, that will reduce everyone's stress. Waiting until the last minute probably means that plans have already be made by everyone and that someone will be unhappy about changing. While you may not be able to plan ahead all the time, it's always a good idea to start weeks or months ahead of the holiday. It will be easier to coordinate schedules and activities and to come up with alternatives.

• Keep things in perspective. Remember that holidays come around every year and that it's often easy to have family events on nearby dates, if the holiday "belongs" to someone else this year.

• Communicate. There are often ways to work things out if everyone can just talk directly -- and nicely. Don't make assumptions about what other people are doing or about their motivations. Sometimes people get all upset thinking about something when the issues could be worked out by a discussion.

• Be respectful. No matter who has primary custody or what label is attached to a party, think about how you would like to be approached. Making demands or criticizing the other parent (or their family) or whining are not winning strategies. If you want a favor, be humble.

• Think about the kids. This shouldn't be a contest of wills between two adults. It shouldn't be a question of who has the superior "ownership" of a time period. Hopefully, any special requests made will really be a benefit for the children. If the parents will analyze the situation in light of the children's best interests, many fights can be avoided.

Reasonable parents should be able to work out conflicting holiday schedules if they approach the other parent as they would want to be approached. Keeping these suggestions in mind should give parties a good chance of resolving scheduling issues before the fireworks really begin!

7 Ways to Wreck Your Kids' Holidays

Even with the bad economy, there's plenty to celebrate and enjoy this time of the year. But sometimes people are just miserable because of holiday stress and family issues. If you have children, this can be a great time of the year. If you have children and are divorced, this might still be a great time or it can be really difficult.

While you can (if you take responsibility and try) control your own feelings and attitudes, many people don't do it and let themselves get swept up in various holiday dramas. We can't control what an ex-spouse feels, says or does, and that sometimes leads to problems at this time of the year. On top of that, there's a natural feeling of disappointment when you can't be with your kids at certain times during the holidays.

Parents have a variety of attitudes about sharing or not sharing their kids, particularly around holidays. Their attitudes range from very considerate to insensitive to indifferent to the concerns of others, and even to being antagonistic toward others. Some people seem to thrive on conflict. Other people want to avoid conflict. If you're one of those who wants to avoid wrecking the holiday season, here are some quick tips on what you should avoid so you don't ruin it for yourself, your kids and other family members and friends.

What Not to Do:

• Make last-minute changes in your plans. You can create more havoc and hard feelings if you try to change the arrangements after everyone else has their plans made and travel schedule booked. Ignoring the other parent's plans will certainly create a great opportunity for conflicting plans. Trying to be cooperative well in advance of the holidays is the best way to deal with planning.
  

• Be inflexible if the other parent requests a change in the schedule. Things do come up that require new plans. Some parents insist on following the court's order without variation, when the other parent is asking for a favor. Such parents later inevitably have situations arise later that necessitate a change in the schedule. If they haven't been kind to their ex-spouse, they may not be able to convince that ex-spouse when the shoe's on the other foot.
  

• Be inflexible and demanding if you request a change in plans. If you are working under a court-ordered schedule, you can change it by agreement or by going to court and convincing a judge. Which do you think is quicker and cheaper? If you think that you can always have your way on visitation issues, you will quickly learn otherwise.
  

• Argue in front of the kids about the plans. Mature parents understand the need to keep kids out of adult issues. Arguing and negotiating a holiday schedule should not be done in front of the kids.
  

• Short-change the kids, but blame the other parent. If you choose to not let the kids have or do a certain thing, such as attend a family party, don't blame your ex-spouse. If you are convinced that the decision is the right thing, then notify the kids in an age-appropriate way and don't criticize the other parent.
  

• Criticize the other parent and the other side of the family. There are many times when a parent is very tempted to make fun of, or put down, the ex-spouse and his or her family. Some people even claim that such criticism is acceptable because it is "the truth". It's not necessary to investigate the truthfulness of the statements, because that's not the real issue. Even "truth" can be hurtful. The concern is that such critical statements are damaging to the children because they realize that they come half from each parent. They likely will take that criticism personally.
  

• Compete against the former spouse for the love and affection of the kids. Don't try to provide the best gifts, the best parties or best trips. Children have plenty of love to share and there's just no need to wage a battle over the children.

What to do

Some people are interested in avoiding the drama and conflict during the holidays. If you are one of those, here's some things you can do to improve your chances of having a happy holiday season.

• Keep a good relationship all throughout the year with your ex-spouse. You may have to hold your tongue occasionally, but the kids will respect you for it and you will have a better chance of getting any needed schedule adjustments or favors that you request.
  

• Be flexible and be willing to compromise. There are two sides to everything. Keep in mind that you can accomplish more through cooperation than through battle. And your kids will appreciate a reasonable and realistic relationship between their parents.
  

• Demonstrate mature behavior for kids. This will help your children learn to deal with adversity and it will help earn their respect.
  

• Listen and think before you speak out. Don't just blurt out an emotional response in discussions with your ex-spouse. Take a deep breath, listen to what your ex is saying and then think through your response before you answer. It will help avoid a lot of hurt feelings.

Happy Holidays!

What if the Other Parent is Irresponsible?

I recently saw a report in the American Bar Journal online about a Georgia court case where the issue was whether a father could allow his children to be around his gay and lesbian friends. Apparently, the divorce trial court had issued a ruling preventing the father from letting gay and lesbian friends be around his kids. Apparently, there was no evidence introduced in court that the friends had acted inappropriately in front of the children.

I am not aware of a similar case arising in Texas, but I would assume that the Texas courts would probably reach a similar result. Regardless of whether the issue was about different sexual orientation, race, age, religion or some other factor, it should normally come down to whether there is evidence that something improper has occurred. If there is just a potential for problems, it is not likely that a judge would impose restrictions about who can be around children. If something happened, but no one was injured by some event or activity, there's probably not sufficient evidence to support restrictions.

It can be very frustrating when the other parent seems to be irresponsible or potentially endangering children, but that is not sufficient to support restrictions on the other parent. As bad as it sounds, the courts almost require someone to be hurt before they will intervene. If you have a situation that creates concerns about your children's health or safety, you should discuss them with your attorney. You may not be able to directly impose restrictions at that point, no matter how concerned you are or how reasonable and logical your fears are, but there may be some things you can do to help. Here are some ideas:

1. Discuss the situation with your ex. Don't overlook the obvious, direct solution. But, since you may not have any real leverage, you need to work on being diplomatic and conciliatory, no matter how hard that may be for you. It is certainly cheaper, faster and more effective if you can do something by agreement. There is also less chance of drawing the children into the middle of the dispute. Of course, you will probably be dealing with an emotional issue, so that will make it harder to be "nice". You can get some ideas from your attorney or a counselor to help you plan your approaches for the discussion.

2. Request that you and your ex meet with a counselor to discuss the issues. Hopefully, a few sessions will make it possible to come to an agreement in a safe atmosphere.

3. Here, in Tarrant County, Texas, you can contact Family Court Services at the courthouse and set up a meeting with an Access Facilitator. A Facilitator is a specially trained social worker who helps the parties meet and work out differences in how to raise children and share time with their children. Good News -- they are not only qualified, experienced social workers, but they are FREE!

4. Go to a mediator. This can be done with or without attorneys. You and your ex can split the mediator's fee. If one side uses an attorney, the other party should also bring an attorney to equalize the negotiations. Mediators have a very high success rate, so they are an excellent option.

5. Hire an attorney and go to court. This is the most expensive choice, but could be necessary if your ex is uncooperative.

6. Try using Collaborative Law. Both sides would have to agree to use the process, if it is to be used. Your ex might agree to it to keep the matter private, to get expert help or to be able to deal with the issue on his/her own schedule, instead of a court's schedule. The main point to keep in mind is that both parties would need to utilize attorneys trained in Collaborative Law, so you should ask about that when you are hiring an attorney. Using the process may minimize the damage to the relationships between the parties, which is important for the children.

There are obviously many different ways to approach an issue about the children. What you should not do is just get angry, start accusing your ex of misbehavior and being making demands. You will almost never be in position to solely determine the outcome, and such an approach will almost guarantee an expensive, ugly and protracted battle. Why do that when you have other effective options?

(I want to give credit and thanks to Nancy Van Tine of the Massachusetts Divorce Law Monitor blog for referencing the ABA story. She also has an excellent blog that is worth regular viewing.)

Toward a Better Father's Day

Too often, parents get into competitions over the kids, and that's usually not a good thing. If you want to be well-remembered as a parent, maybe you should consider treating the other parent nicer and doing what you can to encourage a close parent-child relationship with both parents.

1. Enable and encourage the kids to have regular contact with the other parent. In addition to personal visits, phone calls, texting or computer contacts, initiated by the kids would really be good.

2. Demonstrate a good relationship (if possible) with the other parent. At least be civil. Keep in mind that the kids understand they are part you and part the other parent. They may see you being mean to the other parent as you being mean to them.

3. Help kids learn to show their feelings for the other parent. Help them find gifts, buy or make cards, etc. Encourage the kids to spend some time with their other parent.

4. Help the kids to remember holidays, birthdays and family occasions with the other parent. Kids may not know what to do when they're young, so they need some guidance. When they are older, they may just not think about these events. You can help everyone by talking with your kids about the events and reminding them so they can participate.

Note: All this works equally well for both parents. Moms and Dads should work together to encourage the kids to look forward to various personal and family occasions. Father's Day is coming up, but helping kids stay in contact with both parents is a year-round job. Do your kids a favor and teach them good ways to stay in touch with their extended family.

Children’s Extracurricular Activities: Appropriate Or Excessive?

I just ran across the following post by Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog. For me, because of a case I am involved in, it is a very timely post. I believe a number of parents (and children) can benefit by considering the issues Robert raised. Extracurricular activities sometimes become points of contention during and after divorces, as well as in intact families. I highly recommend the post to help anyone struggling with such issues.

"This is the first of a two-part series dealing with children’s extracurricular activities. Next week, I will address the impact the divorce may take on a child’s extracurricular activity schedule when the parents have conflicts with each other.

"There is no doubt that extracurricular activities can be very beneficial to a child. According to a recent study by the Nellie Mae Education Foundation, children who participate in after-school programs are more engaged and have a better attitude about learning, perform better academically and enjoy an increased sense of accomplishment, competence and self-esteem. Additionally, participation also lowers children’s risk of becoming depressed, using drugs and alcohol, and experiencing other behavioral problems.

"Recently, while researching this topic, I came across an excellent article about how to choose after-school activity(ies) for children at www.scholastic.com. It also gives a breakdown discussing appropriate types and numbers of activities per week which are recommended based on the age and maturity of the child starting with kindergarten through middle school. The article offers advice which will help a parent determine if it is time for their child to start an extracurricular activity, what’s the best option and how to find a good program.

"Recently, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and Dayton Daily News columnist, addressed a similar inquiry from a reader wondering if a child can be too involved with an extracurricular activity. Here the reader was asking about their 15 year old daughter, Maddie, who’s been involved in gymnastics since she was three years old and practices about 16 hours during the weekdays and competes on weekends year round. In response to that background, Dr. Ramey gives advice on how you can tell if your child’s dedication is beneficial or excessive.

• Be mindful of the effects on the entire family. While it’s great that kids are passionate about something, you need to carefully assess the impact on others, particularly siblings. Family life involves endless compromises in trying to balance the needs of adults and kids. In families with a high achieving teen, other siblings may inadvertently pay a high cost. The support of one child shouldn’t come at the cost of other family members.
• Keep the activity in perspective. While we don’t want to discourage kids from their passions, they do need a reality check about the significance of their activity for their future educational and vocational aspirations. Maddie’s mom has made it clear to her daughter that 'school is number one.'
• Be willing to walk away from the activity. There have been times when Maddie has encountered tough times and wanted to end gymnastics. How would her mom and dad have responded if she wanted to stop gymnastics? 'My parents are really into it…they wouldn’t be too happy.' Disappointment and frustration are inherent in the passionate pursuit of excellence. There are times when you should offer encouragement and not allow your child to give up when confronting difficulties. However, you should anticipate and be willing to accept the reality that there may be a time when your child abandons their passion for other pursuits.
• Regularly assess the real value of the activity. Most of our kids will never grow up to be professional baseball players or gymnasts. The value of their commitment is less in the acquisition of athletic skills and more in habits and friendships that persist long after the activity has ended. Maddie’s mom described the peer support that Maddie gets daily in the gym as '…the kind of friendships you don’t often get in life.' Maddie has also learned about discipline, persistence, and time management - habits that will serve her well throughout her lifetime.

"Dr. Ramey concluded that, “The child may never back flip her way to the Olympics, but I suspect she will be a successful person in whatever she does.” Click here to read Dr. Ramey’s full article.
One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. “In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.” Click here to read the full article, by Toby Leah Bochan, at scholastic.com.

"One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. 'In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.'

"While balancing children’s extracurricular activities can be difficult in a conventional intact family, read next week’s blog article where I discuss the impact that a divorce may have on juggling a child’s activities and parenting time."

There are some very practical ideas about how to evaluate the impact of extracurricular activities that should be helpful to many people. I also encourage you to read other posts in the Ohio Family Law Blog.

10 Positive Steps for Better Parenting

Good parents are made, not born that way. If you are lucky enough to have had good parents, you may be in the minority now. Here are some good ideas for you to try out so you can work to improve your relationship with your kids.

1. Be actively involved with your kids' activities. Donate your time to them. Be a coach or a leader for their sports or other activities. Attend their performances. Volunteer to be a driver. Cheer for them. Watch them play. Help with their homework. Read to them and with them. Play with them! You can do different things with kids at each age.

2. Appropriately compliment kids for their good effort or results. You don't have to only say nice things is they "win". Give them some positive support for their effort and encourage them to keep trying. Sure, it's fun to win, but it's also fun to play. Make sure the kids know that you are proud of them.

3. Appropriately compliment the other parent, to the other parent and around the kids. Don't lie about things or be fake, but there's always something nice you can say. If you can't think of something nice to say, do what your mom probably told you: don't say anything.

4. Focus on the good. It might be grades, an art project, effort in cleaning their rooms, riding a bike, playing appropriately, etc. At any age, you can find something a child is doing well and you can show some appreciation. If you want to see it again, reinforce good behavior by complimenting it. Don't just go on and on about what a child is doing wrong. Give the child something to remember and strive for.

5. Encourage kids to volunteer and serve others. They will probably need to record volunteer hours for school at some point, but making a spirit of volunteerism and helping part of the kids' upbringing, so that it seems a natural and normal part of life, is one of the best things you can do for kids. Everyone, at some time, will need help from others. It's a good idea to "pay it forward" --donate help in advance.

6. Talk about the best part of the day with your kids. It helps them (and you) focus on the good things that happen. You and your kids will feel better if you think about the good things, rather than just dwelling on what went wrong. Developing this habit can help elevate everyone's mood.

7. Remember that kids see what you do and hear what you say. They will really pay attention to what you do and you will probably see some of your actions in their behavior. You certainly want to see your kids doing good things, so you need to act appropriately. The same thing is true about what you say around them and how you say it. Children can imitate things right away after observing you, and can develop habits, similar to yours, over time. Try to be a good role model.

8. Learn to appreciate kids' music, books and games. That's not to say that everything they like is worthwhile (which could as well be true about the things you like), but it is too easy for parents to overlook or downplay kids' culture. Parents should look for the value in their kids' lives. If you show a genuine interest in your kids' activities and interests, you can be more of a factor in their lives. You will be able to speak their language and you can enjoy time with them.

9. Encourage friendships and sharing. That can be done in part by setting a good example, but you may have to explain things to kids periodically about sharing as they get older. Do what you can to make it possible for kids to do things with their peers so they can have friendships. Just as important, don't put up roadblocks to the kids being able to participate in activities and be with friends who are important to them. Transportation in particular can be time consuming, but it will be over before you know it, so you should enjoy the time you have with the kids.

10. Be a good host. When your kids want to have friends over, make it possible. You may need to have a supervisory role, which will vary according to the age of the children, but help your children out. Get to know their friends and welcome them to your home. It's always better to have them hanging out at your house rather than roaming the streets.

Please try these out and then send a comment about your experiences to this blog. YMMV.

5 Smart Parenting Tips for the Back-to-School Season

Around the first of August, parents start to get excited about the upcoming school year, and we know why. Some kids actually look forward to starting back to school, usually not for the homework, but for the chance for social activities and to see their friends. Some people are happy all the time, but a much larger group gets more energized as we get closer to the start of school. Since Texas (and many other states) have pushed back the start date for school, there is now more time to get emotionally and otherwise prepared for school. To help parents and children fill their time before school starts, here are five smart parenting tips to try out now.

1. Take advantage of the tax-free weekend. Texas and several other states have set up a weekend (August 15-17 this year) where no sales tax is collected for clothing, shoes and school supplies, among other things. It can save a lot of money for parents because stores usually have a lot of sales then as well. Parents can really stretch their funds if they plan ahead and shop on the tax-free weekend.

2. Coordinate end of summer travel. There is actually more travel time in the summer since the legislature moved back the start date for public schools. Parents should work together to make sure the children get into all the camps and programs they want and there is still time for family vacations. In addition, this summer, with higher gasoline prices, many families have decided to have stay-at-home vacations where they do local sightseeing. That is uncharted territory for many families who are not really familiar with what their hometown offers. In Fort Worth, for example, we have several major museums, including the Amon Carter, Kimbell, Modern, Cowgirl, Sid Richardson and Civil War, along with many interesting smaller museums. The Fort Worth Cats provide inexpensive, but comfortable and fun, entertainment at LaGrave Field, and they've won three straight league championships. The Texas Rangers provide comfortable and fun entertainment in Arlington.

3. Communicate with the other parent. A simple statement, it is nevertheless really hard for many parents to do. Communication involves sending (speaking, writing, emailing, etc.) and receiving (listening) messages and understanding what was conveyed. Life can be a lot better when the parents are talking and listening with each other and coordinating plans instead of trying to put their children in the middle of a tug of war. Theoretically, it is not hard to tell the other parent about plans for summer activity or sports classes, school schedules, start of the school year activities, kids' work plans, car/transportation issues, and sports and other extra-curricular activities. The trick is to talk with each other (respectfully) before your knee starts jerking. The knee-jerk reaction is to either ignore or tune out the other parent while mentally revisiting past arguments. A lot of problems can be avoided when the parties just talk with each other on a regular basis and share what's going on with their child.

4. Cooperate on health issues. At this time of year, parents learn about, or remember, needing to get physicals, dental exams, shots and medicine for their kids. The month of August is often difficult for scheduling medical or dental appointments. Parents should work together to get the appointments made as early as possible and they should be flexible in scheduling their time with the children. Both parents should be willing to take the kids to doctor's appointments, etc. Neither parent should engage in "offensive scheduling" -- trying to schedule appointments to disrupt the other parent's plans or to create scheduling problems or deplete the other parent's time with the children. Parents should play fair and share the commitment to obtain whatever is needed to start the school year.

5. Leave a week's cushion just before school starts. Don't schedule much for the last week before school starts. There will always be last-minute issues that will require immediate and sustained attention. New requirements will be discovered and plans will change. Don't plan to take the kids out of town that last week. They need to be rested and adjusted to the schedule they will be following during the school year. It's a good idea to start to impose the bed time and wake-up schedule of the school year so that the kids get used to it.

If parents will try out these simple ideas, they will find the month of August to be more peaceful, fun and productive for themselves and the children.

Untraditional Custody Plans

A small article in the July 6, 2008 Parade magazine had some interesting comments about fathers' roles with their children after a divorce. The story mentioned the obvious, that many fathers lose contact with their children after a divorce and that most fathers are given the right to see their children two weekends a month and a few hours during the week. The Texas standard possession schedule is actually more generous than what Parade mentioned, but it still constitutes a huge change for those fathers who are used to seeing and interacting with their children every day.

There were two alternatives mentioned in the article that were interesting. One, which is becoming more common, is to have equal time. It used to be that judges would never consider that. Now, however, there seems to be more openness to such an approach. "Equal time" is easy to discuss in the abstract, but can be complicated when day care, homework, school activities and extra-curricular activities are factored in. Sometimes, religious activities also complicate matters. It's probably too early to say that there is a consensus that such a time sharing is good or bad for the kids or that both parents like the arrangement. Trying such an approach would require a lot of cooperation and maturity with the parents. Living close together would also be helpful. If parents really think they want to try to share time equally, they would be well advised to bring in a child specialist who could help them work through the practical details and adjustments that would be required for success.

Another possibility is to set a proportionate schedule where each parent has the children about the same amount of time that they were with the children when the couple was together. Of course, there are some potential difficulties with that approach. The parties would need to live near each other, preferably in the same school district, so there wouldn't be much travel time. Another complication is when one or both parents change jobs, or start working, which could affect the time availability for the parents. Also, a parent may not have been able to spend much time with the children for a period just before the separation, but now is able and wanting to spend more time with the children.

A complication under both approaches is how to handle child support. Sometimes, with equal time, neither party pays child support; many such parents refuse to pay child support because the other parent does not have "primary possession" of the children. In other cases, child support is figured for each parent and then the higher-income parent pays the difference (or half the difference) in the two amounts to the other parent.

Other issues to be resolved include the right to the tax exemptions for the children and the right to make certain essential decisions, such as medical care and education, for the children.

How to be a successful custody innovator:

1. Don't limit yourself to preconceived ideas or standard approaches.

2. At the same time, even though a particular plan may have worked for someone you know, don't assume that it will automatically work for you.

3. The parents must communicate well with each other for a major time-sharing arrangement to work.

4. Parents must be willing to live near each other and have a lot of contact after the divorce.

5. Counseling or co-parenting classes can help foster the right parental attitudes.

6. Parents probably need to consult with a child specialist to work out the details, especially if they try something really exotic. Keep in mind the children's ages and emotional development.

7. Always check with your attorney to find out if your judge is likely to accept what you are proposing.

Hopefully, you will come up with an appropriate, effective, comfortable plan for sharing time with your children in a less stressful and more supportive atmosphere for them.

Divorce "No No's" -- Don't Drag the Kids into the Divorce

A recent newspaper article highlighted some of the problems that can occur when kids are involved in their parents' divorce. That situation, involving famed wrestler/entertainer Hulk Hogan and his wife, is a little extreme, but the same type situations occur with just regular people.

Here's how children are sometimes brought into a divorce. Some may seem innocent, but they usually lead to bad situations. Some are active or direct and others are passive or indirect. They can all lead to emotional and behavioral problems for children.

1. Make a child into a messenger. This can be done a number of ways. A note can be sent through the child. A parent can tell the child in person to tell the other parent something. A parent, in a phone conversation, can ask the child to tell the other parent something. However it is done, there is a good possibility that the child will pick up on each parent's feelings (often anger) toward each other. The words used, the tone of voice and other non-verbal communication cues can be upsetting for a child. The nature of the other parent's response, both verbal and non-verbal, will also affect the child.

2. Let kids "overhear" comments about the other parent. This is a passive way to involve the children and subtly try to win them over to a parent's side. It can be distressful for children.

3. Let kids be present, in person or on the phone, to hear arguments about the kids. Parents can easily set up arguments to occur when the children are around, such as when the children are delivered from one parent to the other. It's hard enough for kids to transition from one household to another without adding more tension from an argument.

4. Make comments directly to the child about the other parent. Many parents are very blatant about making negative comments to a child about the other parent. That's often a sign of immaturity of the parent, but it can be very damaging to a child who may take the comments as an attack on the child since the child is part mom and part dad.

5. Discuss the "facts" of the divorce with the kids. Some parents believe their children are old enough and mature enough to know the "truth" about the parents' divorce. Often, the facts are not totally correct and reflect the natural bias of one parent. This is usually a way to try to win over the child to the parent's side. It took can be damaging to the child who hears a lot of negative comments about the other person who is half responsible for the child -- in effect, half of the child.

6. Inform kids, or let them know, about what they are missing out on because they will be with the other parent. This can be a little subtle. Maybe the parent is just disappointed because the child won't be around to go somewhere or do something with that parent, but it's upsetting to the child and it's unnecessary. It's also a way to try to put the other parent in a bad light because he or she isn't doing something exciting or because he or she won't let the child do something the child wants to do with the other parent.

7. Ask the kids to make choices between parents. This can take place on different scales, from choosing activities to choosing who to talk with to choosing where to live. That is too much responsibility for the child and puts the child in an inherently conflicted position. Those matters should be decided by the parents.

Thanks to Christine Bauer of the Florida Divorce & Family Law Blog for the tip on the story. You can read her comments about it here.

Good Advice for Parents

Recently, J. Benjamin Stevens of the South Carolina Family Law Blog printed an excellent guest post which should provide guidance and inspiration for all parents, whether in intact families, single parent households or step parent relationships--

The following article is from one of our regular guest columnists,

Dr. Trey Kuhne:

A few months ago, a friend sent this to me through the email. I am uncertain who the original author is but was moved so much by it that I thought it might be an encouragement to parents who wonder if their children are ever watching them or not? It is called “When you thought I wasn’t looking.” Take a brief read.

"When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking" by a child

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God!

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

As children, we saw just about everything our parents did and said and we modeled ourselves after them, good, bad and indifferent. Now as parents, you are worried about everything you do because you realize that your children are watching you! Your children deserve excellent parents!

Dads, let your children see you loving and kissing mom, let them see how a man loves a woman with respect. Dads, let your children observe how you handle difficulties and come to consensus in matters of disagreement.

Moms, let your children see and experience you praising Dad for his love, leadership, and faithfulness to God. Moms, let your children observe how you make decisions, how you consider different possibilities and derive solutions.

Let your children hear your prayers out loud. Let your children see you disagree and then come to consensus again. Teach your children through modeling the kind of behavior that you appreciate so much in your life.

Basically what I am saying is to not withhold from your children the experience of life. They are going to experience it at school, in sports, and with their friends and what better way for them to get it right by experiencing it through the two (or one) of you.

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne
Dr. Trey Kuhne is a pastoral counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Pathways Pastoral Counseling located at St. Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Drive, Spartanburg, SC 29307. He specializes in working with individuals, couples and families. Call (864) 542-3019 for an appointment. He may be reach via email at: pathwayspc@aol.com.

A Children's Bill of Rights

Sometimes parents get caught up in anger, competition, fear, revenge or other emotions and lose sight of how their actions impact on their children. For parents going through a divorce, it helps to stop and think about how their words and activities can affect children. For some good thoughts to keep in mind, Stephen M. Worrall, of the Georgia Family Law Blog, has a recent post on a Children's Bill of Rights as follows:

I have posted previously the Children's Bill of Rights from the American Academy of Matrimonial Attorneys. This is another good list from DivorceHQ, stated from the child's perspective:

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

I. The right not to be asked to "choose sides" or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
II. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
III. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
IV. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
V. The right not to be a messenger.
VI. The right to express my feelings.
VII. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
VIII. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
IX. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
X. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
XI. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
XII. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent's well being.
XIII. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
XIV. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
XV. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
XVI. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The "Children's' Bill of Rights" is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.
SOURCE: DivorceHQ.com

Does Divorce Affect Parenting Ability?

A recent study conducted by a University of Alberta, Canada researcher concludes that divorced parents generally parent about as well after a divorce as they were before the divorce. Most people tend to expect that parenting suffers after a divorce, but that is apparently not always true. There are certainly cases and situations where the stress, conflict and other difficulties of a divorce cause problems for parents, but generally, it seems that parenting behavior is not changed significantly by a divorce. In other words, good parents will still usually be good parents.

The study makes sense from my perspective of over 30 years of divorce work. The problem situations arise when a parent who lacks some skills, experience or confidence in parenting suddenly is on his or her own in caring for children. Parents who weren't very involved before the divorce rarely suddenly become excellent parents. Parents who were inappropriate with children before divorce will probably remain the same. Excellent parents will also very likely continue to be great parents.

Many courts, especially here in Tarrant County, will automatically order the parties to go to parenting classes. That doesn't hurt, but it also may not lead to much improvement if the parents are already doing a pretty good job. It might be time to come up with a way to screen parents and create several different parenting classes that can provide help in specific ways, rather than taking a "one size fits all" approach. A basic parenting skills course, for example, could be of enormous benefit to parents who are not used to the responsibilities of parenting. Of course, until that is done, I will continue to suggest that both parents, in virtually every divorce I handle, go to at least the basic co-parenting class. Our local class is well-taught and the parents and children seem to benefit.

Thanks to Ben Stevens who writes the great South Carolina Family Law Blog which had a post about the study that was previously reported by the Rosen Law Firm of North Carolina and their excellent blog, KramerVs.

New Year's Resolutions: 7 Tips for Being a Better...

Since it is the first of the new year, I will join the chorus with some New Year's Resolutions for divorced or separated parents and others. Following these tips should help you behave better, have better discussions and keep the peace.

The holidays can be a tough time for families, whether together or divided. There are many activities, financial obligations and a feeling that everything should be wonderful, but that things might not work out well. When families are together, there can be problems with conflicting events and expectations from both sides of the family. In a post-divorce situation, the stress tends to be magnified. The same conflicts, plus others, can occur. Usually, families operate under a standardized, somewhat arbitrary schedule for time with the children. Many times, the parents encounter difficulties in juggling school activities, parties, shopping, family gatherings, and travel. We are a little past the immediate danger of some of the worst arguments, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Here is a list of seven tips to help you be a better ex-spouse/parent/grandparent/or significant other. Hint: you can actually use these any time of the year when you are dealing with family issues.

1. Listen and think before speaking. Listen to your child or the ex-spouse or whoever the discussion is with. Pause and think about what you are going to say and what effect it may have. Try not to react in anger, even when justifiably provoked. Listening demonstrates respect, which doesn't hurt when you are negotiating a personal issue. Think carefully about the words you choose. They can make a huge difference. Labeling someone an idiot or stupid or something worse will make it harder to get a concession from them.

2. Pause and take a deep breath to diffuse anger. You don't have to go on autopilot to engage in a discussion. Doing so will likely lead you into an argument where you and the other party simply fall into a pattern of quick, angry reactions to each other. If you pause, the other party may continue speaking and that may not be bad. Sometimes, as we know, people just want to vent, to get something off their chest. Letting the other party speak may go a long way to resolving the problem.

3. Put yourself in the other person's position. This may be hard to do as an argument starts to heat up, but you can do it if you pause, take a deep breath and think before you speak. With only a small amount of effort, you can probably put yourself in the other person's place and try to understand what he or she wants and why. That effort may enable you to figure out a way to resolve the issue without getting into a huge argument. Play the devil's advocate with yourself. Consider how you would feel if the other person requested what you are wanting. Think through what you are saying and what the consequences may be. Think of the damage you can cause by recklessly pursuing an argument. You may technically be right, but that may not be the best position to take. If you insist on following the letter of the law (the exact wording of the order, for example), that may preclude you from getting a break from the other party later on when you want to do something a little outside the rules.

4. Don't take things personally. That's often a tough one. If you're in a "discussion" with your ex, it's natural to take things personally. One way to help avoid that is to plan ahead, anticipate arguments and be prepared for how an angry response may be delivered by your ex. You don't have to stoop to his or her level. While it may be very satisfying in one sense to get angry and engage in a big argument, in the long run it is harmful. Keep in mind the fact that you will probably continue to have some relationship with the other person for the rest of your life. If you take time to anticipate what may be said, you can avoid a quick, angry response.

5. Try out the other person's suggestion. Sometimes the other party is right and sometimes their ideas are as good as yours, although it may be hard to admit it. For example, if the other parent wants to split the cost of a tutor, maybe you should try it out. Don't just defend your power, authority or turf. Give their suggestion a try. Maybe you'll find that it's not such a bad idea. If you try it and it is a bad idea, it will be harder for your ex to defend the next time such an issues arises. If the idea works, great!

6. Put each situation in context. Think about the big picture. It may be better to concede some small stuff to keep the peace or to encourage your ex to be accomodating for you later on something else. Not all issues are equally important. Exchanging weekends, or changing the pick up or return times a little bit, should not be a big battle. Resist the urge to bring in other issues when the discussion could be about just one small issue.

7. Seek common ground. Be able to compromise. It is rare for one person to always be right or solely have the best ideas. Think about what you and the other party have in common. For example, you may disagree about which after-school activities a child should be in, but you may be able to work to an agreement by remembering (and discussing) what goals you both have for the child. If you start from a broader policy or value statement, such as encouraging music education because studies show it can lead to higher IQs, then you can change the focus to finding the best program available under the time and financial limitations that may exist. Starting from, or going to, common ground can help the parties find answers they can both live with.

It is true that it may not be entirely satisfying to be a peacemaker. The adrenaline rush from a fierce argument can be wonderful, especially if you skillfully tear the other person apart with your clever words. In the long run, however, the damage done may cause major problems that seriously outweigh the enjoyment of winning an argument. These are just a few of the actions you can use to help you avoid getting into destructive arguments and help you become a better parent, ex-spouse, etc. ...

Children, Divorce and the Holidays- How to make the best out of a stressful time

Thanks to Stephen Worrall of the Georgia Family Law Blog and Mark A. Wortman of the Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog, both excellent blogs, for this timely posting. We are getting really close to Thanksgiving and there is a strong possibility of encountering various family problems. Even in intact families, there is often stress about where and when adults and children will visit each other during the holiday season. Avoiding a sense of competiton, and seeking cooperation instead, between various family units is essential. For some other worthy ideas, please continue reading. Hopefully, this will help resolve some family issues at a time when family members should be enjoying each other's company.

The holiday season conjures up many images for all of us. The most universal of these images is one that includes happy excited children. However, for children from divorced or separated families, the holidays can be a nightmare. What other children may experience as a joyful time filled with excitement and good feelings, children whose parents are divorced or separated see quite differently. Often the holiday time marks a period of turmoil and chaos, as the estranged parents are forced to negotiate additional child centered issues. Depending on the degree of hostility between the parents, children of divorce approach the holidays with feelings ranging from mild ambivalence to absolute dread. This article will explore what children of divorce experience at holiday time with a focus on holiday visitation, parents' legal rights and ways that parents can help ease the pain and reduce conflict so the holidays can be enjoyed by all.

First, regardless of financial or marital status, we all experience stress around the holidays. We spend too much, eat too much, party too much and always seem to have too little money, too little sleep, and too little time. It is important to recognize that most people feel inadequate around the holidays.

Second, regardless of how good the relationship is between the divorced or separated parents, children and their parents always experience some sadness around the holidays. After all, the holidays are a time for reminiscing and reassessing our lives. The divorced or separated family is always aware of the pain it has suffered and the holidays magnify this pain. Reminiscing is part of the holiday tradition, as we remember holidays gone by with stories or browsing through the family album. For the divorced or separated family this experience is bittersweet, as they reassess how it "used to be."

Third, we have unrealistic expectations. This result is the "post holiday blues" many of us experience in January. We expect more from ourselves and others than is possible, so we feel let down and disappointed.

Fourth, the ability of the children to adjust not just to the holiday visitation schedule, but to the divorce or separation, in general is directly effected by how well the parents have learned to adjust to their new roles as ex-spouses and co-parents. The above four issues give insight into what parents need to do, regarding their children.

Each holiday exists for a limited number of hours. Because parents are divorced or separated does not mean that the amount of holiday time available, doubles. In reality, it means that each parent now only has half the time with the child that they had before. Recognizing that reality is primary in negotiating visitation time.

The bad news for the children is that they are forced to divide their time between two families. The good news is that they experience two celebrations. From the child's point of view this may sound like a lot of fun and it can be, provided that the parents set realistic expectations and don't try to outdo each other or buy the child. Many non-custodial parents feel that they have to make up for their absence by indulging the child's every whim. This is unhealthy parenting. The Disneyland parent will grow to resent it and your child will test your boundaries and try to take advantage. If possible, discuss with your ex-spouse your child's gift list and divide the list, rather than duplicate it. Competing for your child's love and loyalty only confuses the child. The best gift you can give your children this holiday season is permission to love both parents.

Some families avoid splitting the holidays, agree that the children will spend Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas day with the other. Many divorce decrees provide that parents alternate major holidays yearly. This gives both parents the opportunity to celebrate with the children and avoids rushing the children to two holiday diners. Some families choose to celebrate Christmas Eve and the other parents Christmas Day. Remember holidays are about families and good feelings not the day the calendar dictates. In reality every day should be a holiday!

Older children are not immune to this stress. Children who live on their own may find it difficult to choose where to go and when. Young adults returning home for the holidays have the additional stress of wanting to spend time with their friends. Recently, a young couple, who were married within the last year saw a therapist to negotiate holidays. Both sets of parents were divorced and remarried. They were caught in the trap of negotiating four sets of parents not to mention grandparents. Trying to please their parents, each other and themselves was putting stress on their marriage. They decided to rotate holidays, rather than try to see everyone on every holiday. Now instead of spending holidays driving all over the state, worrying about where they had to be next, they were able to relax and enjoy their time with all members of their families.

For younger children, the decision of where to go, and when should be decided by the parents. Having to choose to spend time with one parent, over the other is a tremendous burden for the child, which may result in the child feeling guilty. It also gives the child more power than is appropriate. Your child does not decide whether he/she wants to go to school, but he/she may decide what to wear. Age-appropriate responsibilities enhance children's self esteem and confidence. Frequently divorced families fall into the trap of giving the children more power than is appropriate. To avoid this, make sure you have a support system you can turn to for advice and encouragement. One of the most difficult aspects of single parenting is not having another adult in the house to offer support and validation.

Divorcing parents are advised to determine where the children will celebrate, in writing, with the assistance of their divorce lawyers. This will prevent parental arguments and involvement of the children. The scheduling of holiday celebrations can be done creatively to fit each couple's unique situation. Parents can alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas, or Christmas Day and Christmas Eve, or allow the parent not having Christmas, the week between Christmas and New Years. It is important to put the agreement in writing to avoid misunderstandings and reneging on the part of either party.

Holidays are a mixed blessing. If we set realistic expectations, focus on the needs of the children, develop a good support system, and take care of ourselves both emotionally and physically, this time of year can be joyful and fulfilling regardless of our individual family structure. Best wishes for a peaceful and happy holiday season!

Source: www.divorcesource.com
SOURCE FOR POST: Missouri Divorce & Family Law Blog and Divorce Help Network

7 Tips for a Better School Year

At the start of a new school year, there are many possibilities for mischief and conflict when parents, step-parents and other relatives are involved in a child's life. Most or all of the problems can be avoided when the parents and others act as mature adults and focus on what would benefit the child the most. Here are 7 tips to help avoid and minimize problems.

1. Let the school know from the beginning who the significant adults in the child's life are. Unfortunately, many parents play games and try to take sole control over the child by omitting mention of the other adults on official school forms. Every school has (and needs) contact information on each child. Many parents try to prevent access to the child and monopolize school information. "Locking out" the other adults can also hinder the teachers' ability to learn about the child and understand his or her special needs or skills. Teachers are used to dealing with blended families (many are step-parents themselves), so they would certainly not be judgmental about various family situations, especially where the adults are cooperative.

2. Parents living apart should share all school and extra-curricular activity information, even if they really dislike the other adults. Parents should always exchange information and should update each other for the child's benefit. Children feel more secure and loved when they see all parents and adults supporting them and showing up for events. Parents should fore go the power they possess when they have exclusive information about the child. The focus should always be on what benefits the child, not what gives more power to a parent or what creates an opportunity to make the other parent look bad. When kids get awards or participate in sports, they would much prefer to see a larger crowd of supporter cheering them on and getting along well (or at least civilly).

3. Parents should set up consistent rules for after school at each home. While it is probably impossible to establish identical disciplinary rules for two or more households, the parents should regularly discuss how to deal with issues and work out a common response to each situation. Parents should not let the child play them against each other and should not use discipline imposed by the other parent as an opportunity to be the good or nice parent by not imposing the same sanctions. After-school schedules should also be coordinated so that the child can develop consistent habits and activities, regardless of where the child is.

4. Organization and coordination are critical when there are two or more homes. Agreements need to be reached about how to handle clothing, shoes, coats, etc. so that they do not collect all at one house or so that they are not to be found when needed. Similarly, books, school supplies, computers, etc. need to be planned for. Things moved from house to house should be kept in easily accessible places where the child will remember to pick them up on the way out. Likewise, the child needs to be sure there will be adequate supplies to do any necessary school work. Sometimes, it works out best to just buy duplicates of some items, but with really expensive items, such as computer equipment, some books and some sporting gear, it may not be practical to have duplicates. In those situations, sharing may require a lot of attention to detail.

5. Disagreements should be resolved away from the child. As in most other issues, disagreements between adults should be discussed where a child cannot hear the discussions. It would be best for the child to even not be aware of the problems. If need be, the parties can meet at a neutral public location (without the child) to talk about the issues.

6. Parents should not allow public displays of anger and bad behavior. If problems come up between the parents, they should avoid creating a scene at any public events. A child will feel much better if he/she sees the adults all getting along well. There will be plenty of opportunities for the adults to talk privately about whatever concerns they have. Each parent should be sensitive to the feelings of the other parent, especially when step-parents are involved. Likewise, an adult should act in a mature fashion and accept that a former spouse may be involved in a new relationship. Keeping in mind how bad adult behavior can embarrass or hurt a child may help parents avoid the craziness.

7. Step-parents should also be able to participate. Like it or not, step-parents often become very involved with their spouse's children and develop deep bonds with the children. Mature parents can understand that a child can have loving relationships with adults other than his/her parents. Children shouldn't be forced to choose sides. Just as they may have many friends their own age, they can develop relationships with several adults at once without diminishing the relationships with other adults. Besides, each adult brings different skills and abilities to the relationship with the child. As long as the child is happy, the parents should not try to establish ownership of the child or limit access to him/her.

These thought-provoking ideas are based on an article in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram on August 28, 2007. They are good advice for any parents, step-parents or other adults involved in raising children. The most important action to take is to always consider what the impact of various behavior choices will be on a child.

Should You Leave Your Child Home Alone?

In Texas, we are about to send our children back to school after a longer than usual summer break. The Legislature decided to move back the public school start date to August 27 for most students, so we are down to the last week of freedom (for the students) or the last week until freedom (for parents).

In July, Jeanne M. Hannah wrote in her Updates in Michigan Family Law blog about the problem that will usually face parents at some time: when is a child old enough to be left home alone? She was discussing the issue in the context of summer vacation, but the substance is the same any time during the year. Michigan apparently has a statute that gives some guidance to parents on that issue, but Texas does not. There is no set, across-the-board age when it suddenly becomes legal for a child to be left alone.

As school starts, many parents will have to determine how to take care of a child (or children) after school and before the parent or parents get home from work. It is often a very difficult problem for single parents. It can also be just as big a problem when both parents work in a two-parent family. Safety is the most important consideration, but avoiding mischief and making productive use of time are also very important. Problems can arise even when one or both parents are present, but there are greater opportunities for problems when no adults are supervising.

Creating computer game zombies is really no solution. There are, however, a number of things that can be done to alleviate the problems. Here are some ideas that can be used as starting points:

• Hire a nanny or babysitter.
• Work out a cooperative supervision ("kid-pooling") arrangement with other parents.
• Have frequent and verifiable communications with the children.
• Enroll children in extra-curricular activities that are run by responsible adults, such as sports, music lessons, martial arts, Scouts, etc.
• If old enough, a child could get a part-time job.
• If old enough, a child could volunteer to work in some public service jobs.
• Hire a tutor.
• Join community programs at Y’s, Boys and Girls Clubs, or city or neighborhood programs.
• Find some other relatives who can watch (and help) the child.
• Have the child attend an after-school program at his or her school, if one is offered.

A little brainstorming with both parents, and maybe even the child, can lead to many ideas and some creative ways to safely and beneficially occupy the child’s time. Each parent might be able to supervise part of the time. If the parents have a good relationship, they may be able to share the responsibility. If the parents can’t work well together, perhaps the more responsible parent can enlist others to help out. Even if parents must leave a child alone, they should stay in close contact and have safety backup plans.

Common sense can go a long way. This is an issue that should be anticipated well in advance. There might be time to develop a good foundation: having a close relationship, mutual trust and excellent communication with the child will be helpful. If the parents model good behavior and habits, it will be easier for a child to act that way as well. As children get older and more mature, it will be easier to leave them home, but parents need to help children keep motivated to get homework done and be productive. Underlying all this, it is important to provide a safe environment for the children and keep them busy.

With just a week before most students go back to school in Texas, hopefully arrangements have already been made. If not, there’s still time to work out plans. Good luck!

End of Summer Custody Disputes: Possible Solutions

The family law courts usually become busier in late July and August. Many custody change cases are filed and the parents want the issue resolved favorably before school starts. Unfortunately, it often takes many months or a year or more to get a final decision. Sometimes, it’s hard to get even a temporary decision before school starts. On top of that, it can be a very expensive process to be involved in.

When faced with a choice to file for custody, or a choice of how to
respond to a custody change suit, wise parents will consider whether there are any other ways for the parties to achieve their goals. The answer often is "yes".

Here are some suggestions to consider if you are faced with this issue in the near future.

• The parents can work together through the Collaborative Law process. It would be especially beneficial to bring in a child specialist to help them come up with some original creative ideas.


• If a parent really just wants more time with the child and recognizes that the current home is good, maybe letting the non-custodial parent pick up the child after school, or see the child in the evenings during the week or have an extra night or two overnight would help.


• If there are school problems, maybe bringing in a tutor, or letting the other parent tutor, would solve the problem. With school issues, it really is better to have both parents working together to come up with solutions. Again, a child specialist could be very helpful.


• Having both parents take a co-parenting class would help, especially if they were in the same class together. That way, they would both get the same information.
• If there are scheduling problems, maybe the parties could use an on-line service to share a calendar. There are several services available at very little cost and not requiring high tech expertise.


• The parents could also go to counseling together or even include the child in counseling. If the parties can work together somewhat, attending counseling together could be very effective.


• If both parties have strong feelings about some issues, they could go to a mediator or meet with a child specialist to work out some creative solutions. Having a qualified, neutral professional help them would give them a better chance of success.

You may have noticed that none of the suggestions involved rushing to the courthouse, filing and getting a hearing as quickly as possible. That’s because going to court is expensive, it escalates the fighting, it damages relationships and it generally will result in some standardized order that may not be very comfortable or effective for the parents and child. Usually, one side prevails in court and the other loses. Creativity is in short supply at the courthouse. A better solution is to think and talk before filing. Don’t get caught up in the emotion or perceived opportunity to succeed by starting a court fight. A better course of action is to keep the big picture in mind and focus on what’s truly best for your child – not just what you want!

End of Summer Custody Disputes: Should I Try to Get Custody?

Every year, at the end of July or the first of August, there is an upsurge of court filings where the non-custodial parent is seeking custody of a child, hopefully to be resolved before school starts. Immediately preceding that upsurge, the child has often spent from a week or two to a month with the non-custodial parent. Parting is not always sweet sorrow and when it is time for the child to go back to the other parent, often the battle begins.

There are four common ways that these conflicts develop.

First, there is a spontaneous start. The parent and child miss each other when they’re not together and they may have had an especially wonderful visit this time. Either the parent or child may start a discussion after thinking how wonderful it would be to live together "all the time".

A second possibility is that conditions (job, home, school, remarriage, etc.) may have changed and the change of custody might really be in the child’s best interest.

A third possibility is that one party has been planning it for a long time and has been planting seeds of discontent, envy or desire through hints or little comments made to the child or around the child. In effect, a parent can make a direct or indirect offer of some type to win over a child. Telling a child of 12 that he or she can get a computer game system or telephone if they live with the non-custodial parent can be pretty powerful. Promises of a car or freedom to do things the other parent won’t permit can work with older children.

A fourth possibility is that a party may act maliciously. That could include inventing or distorting allegations of abuse or neglect, or simply agitating behind the scenes to undermine the other parent. Often, a parent acting maliciously is actually angry over some unrelated and unresolved issue and uses the custody fight to get back at the other parent or to intimidate the other parent from pursuing some other matter.

Whatever the motivation, the difficult situation is often made worse by one side having a child, 12 years of age or older, sign a statement expressing his or her preference of the person he or she wants to designate the child’s primary residence. Even though signing that statement puts the child squarely in the middle, Texas law permits it and it is often used. (Quite frequently, the child later signs a statement choosing the original custodial parent to be the one to designate the child’s primary residence.)

Here are 5 things to consider when deciding whether to file a motion to change custody or when deciding how to respond to such a motion.

1. What would be in your child’s best interest? It’s not a
question about a parent – it’s about the child. Where is the best school? Where are the child’s friends? Which home is better, or are they both OK? Does the child have some special needs? If so, how can each parent contribute? Is one parent better able to provide support and nurturing than the other? Where is the better environment for the child? The focus should be on your child.

2. What’s really changed since custody was last determined?
While there are always changes in life, are there some significant changes that have affected your child?

3. Be careful to avoid manipulation by your child. Children learn
early that they can win by playing both parents against each other. They understand that they can create a bidding war and come out ahead. They can also punish one parent by wanting to live with the other one. If your child has initiated this process, look for signs of manipulation.

4. Figure out the underlying motivations of each party. Is this
really just a way to get to spend more time with a child? Is it intended to either get or avoid paying child support? (If so, it’s pretty short-sighted.) Have there been problems in sharing time between the parents? Does one parent really have a much better environment for the child now? Are there other conflicts between the parents? If so, is a custody fight a way to put pressure on the other parent?

5. What is this going to cost, financially and relationship-wise? Can you afford a custody fight that could cost tens of thousands of dollars? Is there a better use for that money? If you have gotten along well with the other parent, a custody fight will probably end the cooperation and peaceful coexistence. If the relationship is already not good, there may not be as much at stake, but that may mean that the other parent will fight harder out of anger. Either way, there will be a substantial cost.

A decision to file for a change of custody during the summer should not be made lightly. Before filing, one should carefully consider any hidden agendas, the costs involved, the reasons for changing and possible alternatives to filing.

A Win-Win Custody Battle Strategy

Many times, at the start of a divorce, parents see custody of the children as an either-or situation: one parent has custody and the other is relegated to a visitation/possession schedule. In situations where both parents sincerely would like “custody”, and it’s not just a strategic move for some ulterior purpose (such as gaining more property or paying less child support), the either-or/win-lose mind set can lead to really damaging actions by both parties. In such an approach, the natural inclination, often encouraged by attorneys and friends, is to attack the other parent. Many people think they should devote a lot of energy to proving the other parent is “unfit”.

Actually, it is often true that both parents are good parents, which makes it really hard to prove each other unfit. Attacking each other is expensive in the short-term, both financially and in terms of relationships, and it’s probably not really very persuasive with a judge or jury. It’s hard to keep a good relationship with someone who is saying terrible things about you in public. Judges want to know what good parenting qualities each parent has. In reality, one of the most important factors is who has spent the most time with the children, although there can be many things that are influential.

Instead of limiting yourself to only two options, winning it all or losing, there is another, more productive way to approach the custody issue. The approach may require more maturity than some parties can muster, but, for those able to shift gears, think rationally and be patient, the following approach can be rewarding for them and their children. These steps can lead to a better solution for all, especially the children.

1. Think about, discuss and decide what your ultimate goals are for the kids. What outcomes would you like to see? Many people would want some of the following (or similar) goals:

The kids having a great relationship with both parents
The kids having a great relationship with their extended families
Financial security for the children
Having a safe, secure home for the children
Having good schools for the kids
Providing for a college education for the children
Providing sports opportunities for the children
The opportunity for the kids to learn music, art or other interests

Each parent can decide what he or she thinks would be important goals for their children. Broader, underlying goals are more helpful and meaningful. If both parents think of goals in broad terms, they often can agree on them.

2. Look at the big picture. What are the resources to work with:

Financial abilities of the parents
Parental/family member time available
What homes and schools are available and affordable
What the parents’ neighborhoods are like
The existing relationships between parents and children and the roles each parent plays with the children
What community resources are available
What special needs, if any, a child has
What interests the child has

3. Brainstorm options. Think up as many different solutions as you can. Sometimes it is helpful to get help from a parenting expert. Spend some time and try to be non-traditional or unconventional. Don’t limit yourself to “standard” solutions. Open up your thoughts to come up with some crazy ideas because they might just turn into good ideas.

4. Evaluate your options. See if they can help achieve your identified goals. Criticizing and testing your options can lead to the discovery of other ideas and can help you narrow down the choices until you are left with an idea or ideas that work.

Implementation: This process can helpful if just you do it, but it is really better if you can do it with the other parent. Collaborative Law is one way to accomplish that. This is actually a very common approach to problem-solving in Collaborative Law. Even in traditional litigation, you can use this system alone or together with the other parent. If you work on this alone, you can create a better plan to present in court or in negotiations. If both parents work together through this process, there’s an excellent chance they will reach an agreement that will be satisfactory to both parents and to the children.

Please give this a try and let me know how it works for you!