KERISMUDIN BANS 35 UNLIKELY LOCAL BOOKS!

or The Apes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

by james joy's juice what the dickens, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for literally fiction affairs

Hot on the heels of police led raids on publishers and bookshops and confiscations of all known copies of 'The March To Putrajaya' by Kim Kwek (sounds very suspicious, this Chinese name with only two parts; must be a Zionist plot) and Zunar's cartoons, Home Minister Kerismudin I Apologise, Not, left no stone or page unturned in ferretting out more possibly seditious and dangerous books by local authors that might sow the seeds of riots and revolution as in Tunisia and Egypt.

Kerismudin claimed at a press conference at the national airport accompanied by 60 "empty" Xtra Large Samsonite suitcases and Buntutsan Daily and New State Parsely, Sage Rosemary and Thighimes Newspaper hacks that, of course, what had occurred in Tunisia and Egypt and had seemingly spread to Algeria, Bahrain and Yemen, could not possibly be replicated here because the people were in full possession of all the government works of fiction. Nevertheless, he proposed 'to nip things in the bud' as 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' flaming officers from his 'book 'em Dano' division went full swing into action to remove from bookshelves across the nation, 35 potentially "inflammatory" books penned by several local writers . Kersimudin assured the public that all flammatory books were safe.

The unlikely books, titles and authors' names are classified under OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act).

However, donplaypuks® through its moles in 'Squad Fahrenheit 451' managed to secure the highly classified unlikely list of books as follows:

1. $100 Million Consultants? My Ass! by Rosemajib
2. Civil Serpents by SS Sidek Cirkhusring
3. Corretc!Corretc!Corretc! The Whole Tooth Fairy by Lingam’s Saucy Chili
4. Dry Docks $4 Billion Floating Submarines by Aminah See Four
5. End Affirmative Action Today! by I.Ali
6. Fine Backstabbing Traditions by Kerismuddin
7. Free Haircuts (in the dark) For Sikhs by NS Barber
8. He Strangled Himself To Death by MA Cowes N. Carse
9. How To Build The Taj Mahal for $3.5 million by K.Shah Jahan Toyota
10. Interlok For Indians by G. Palani S.Velu
11. Jet Engines of Uruguay by A.Ganesh Patel
12. Kit, Don’t Lie! You Were There Last Summer by Maha Firaun
13. Maha Firaun, Don’t Be Economical With The Truth! I Was Not There Last Summer by Kit
14. Kugan’s Peaceful Death by Hole In The Head
15. Lee Kuan Yew, My Best Friend by Maha Firaun
16. Mgf Malott, Wecome To Malaysia! by Adolph H.Nazri
17. National Bankruptcy Laboratory by Roti Jalai
18. No Commissions, Love of Country by AR Rahman Bankindamoneybaginda
19. No Cyberspace Censorship by BS Rice Tim
20. No Highway Tolls For Thee (For The People, Yes) by NS Plus Saad
21. Nuclear The Future by Chernobyl Tenaga NB
22. Only Off The Rack Department Store Budget Clothes For Me by R.Flom
23. Only Merit Based Scholarships For All by JP Awam
24. Open Tender, Of Course (In Due Course)! by MoD Mad Zaid
25. People Power ? In Malaysia? Maybe. Egypt? Impossible! by Rosemajib
26. Quid Pro Quo or $5 million, Anyone? by Rosemajib
27. Safe GM Nuclear Mosquitos by A.Nophe Les Swat Ouch
28. Tanah China by I.Ali
29. Teaching The England 1.01 by Muhy the Yiddunce
30. The AG Is Clean by Showmedamoney Ramona
31. The Queen Is Supreme by R.Flom
32. There Was Once A Crooked Man Who wanted To Build A Crooked Bridge All With His Own Crooked Money And The Crooked Government Would Not Let Him. Sob! by Maha Firaun
33. Valentine’s Day For All Malaysian by Jais A.Thot
34. We All Love Arasia, Now Everyone Can Collect Retrenchment Pay by Mana Ada System 
35. Singapore, My First Love by Maha Firaun

 Read 'em and weep! More books may soon be added to the above list!

 donplaypuks® with my books, man!

STOP PRESS! 1NATION (NOT ISRAEL) CORNERS DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielscameronramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

Yes, it's that time of the year again. DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) Oscars time again! And what a performance from1Nation's (Not Israel) movie producers, directors, actors and actresses. Of course, a $150 million Taxpayer whacked Boing contribution to Apcot PR Spindoctors and  Quacks Inc has resulted in an appropriate and truly justifiable inclusion of this fantasy achievement in the New Age Genius Book of Records for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the world class open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscar, Hammy (best ham actor), Grammy (best grandmother story), Tony (Tony Roma, best steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”


BREAKING NEWS! "KUALA TERENGGANU: A consulting engineer was charged at the Sessions Court in connection with the Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin Stadium roof collapse in Gong Badak here, nearly two years ago." click here 

Here's a selection of movies from 1Nation (Not Israel), 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) that will be vieing for this year's DAMN Oscars from an organization set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers, with an annual award.

TRUE TEFLON-COATED GRIT 

 

A truly stirring re-make of a riotous 1969 movie about a one-arm bandit de facto President Rose Maddie who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted President husband) who engages ruthless Chief of Police, One-eyed and perennially drunk Rooster Cocklessburnt to track down the killers of Maddie's mother, Stevie Sharibu. 

Rose Maddie offers $1 billion reward money to the captors of the killers. This is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, an hour later Maddie declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." 

Nevertheless, Rooster Cocklessburnt is joined by Police Ranger, Le Beef No Pork, in hot pursuits of clues and leads to the killers, Chinaman Eat Anything Oso Can and the Ned Black Pepper Chicken Steak Gang, who venture deep into No Beef, Pork Maybe, Mutton Yum Indian-tribes territory. The Indians are busy and furious, interloked with casteing off tribal disputes and slurs and taunts that "yo mama was a coolie and yo papa was a rolling black stone and a travelling salesman who made his home wherever he found a lay."

In the showdown, Stevie Sharibu's seven killers are all shot dead with a single bullet in true spaghetti western style, but not before they confess that they had acted under Maddie's orders!

On his return, Rooster Cocklessburnt demands a RCI (Royal Commission of Iniquity) into Stevie Sharibu's death. Despite overwhelming testimony and proof offered at the RCI, nothing sticks on the Teflon coated gritty President Rose Maddie who goes off to Saudi Arabia to look into international terrorist organizations operating at home.

 
THETHE KKING'S SSPPEECCHH IS CCANCCELLEDD



A truly stirring movie about a de facto Prime Minister, Rose Georgina the Sixth who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Prime Minister husband) who stutters, stammers and stumbles her way from billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts to billion $ direct nego monopolistic government contracts. She infuriates the poor, starving and hungry people by flippantly dismissing them with:

"Let them eat half-baked Roti Jala Cake from the Paramatta School Laboratory for 5-year old Leonardo Da Vinci Code Breakers!"

Her Presidency is nearly C4'd until fate intervenes and she stumbles across the internationally renown therapissartist, the Swamiji Bhagwan Sri Bungunwashed Baksheesh Ji, founder of the Worldwide Howdeepisyourlove Free Love Society, School of Transcendental Meditation, 3 and 4-D Numbers Forecast and Predictions University. Everyone calls him BeeJi.

BeeJi recommends Rose Georgina take up cigar smoking or chewing on seven sterilised marbles to cure her stutter and stammer. It works, but she develops a peculiar Mongolian accent.

The dynamic trio next embark upon a nefarious plot to declare marshal law, cancel forthcoming general elections, suspend the Constitution, abolish Constitutional Monarchy and replace it with a Republic and turn the nation into a vassal of the People's Republic of China through Singapor, become the 51st state of USA and a colony of Israel and Zionists! The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. However, a minute later Rose Georgina declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)." No dead body is delivered anywhere. 

There are riots in Tunisia and Egypt and World War 3 breaks out!


BAN THE SOCIAL NETWORK FOREVER 

A truly stirring movie about a nerdish President Rose Erika Alldarkjib who wears the pants (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband) and her confounding group of Ministers who strike out to censor and ban the Internet forever!

Supported by Home Minister Mark Kerissuckerburger and bank rolled by his buddy for Arty Farty Affairs, Computers and MsInformation, Eduardo Tim Rice, the Government institutes multiple lawsuits, counter suits and Armani suits against anonymous bloggers who frequently expose corruption in the Cabinet and Party. But their bark turns out to be worse than their byte as bloggers continue to defy them.

Bloggers also detect that government computers are infected with the Roti Jala Government Economist Virus - the country is bankrupt but all the statistics show it is ahead of China! They attack the government's kitchen-sink economic policies. Worse follows. Government computers are attacked by the Airlines Baggage Virus - the hard disc remains at home, but the data ends up in Singapore and Wikileaks!

Refusing to own up to mistakes (like the Ted Kennedy Virus - one which crashes the hard disc but denies it ever happened) President Rose Erika Alldarkjib, Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice depart for the leading democratic nations of the world - China, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Libya, N.Korea, Russia, Egypt, Saudi (and Dubai Shopping Mall) - for inspiration on how to combat the cyber traitors. A small team comprising family members, maids and 2,000 government IT and administration civil servants (who are like programming or sex - one fcuk-up and you have to support the by-product for life) accompanies them!

They return and President Rose Erika Alldarkjib proposes a new law banning the Internet forever. The plan is announced as 'final and will be withdrawn over my dead body" through state owned ANAL (Apanama News Agency Limited) and Buntutsan Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thimes newspaper. Spontaneous protests break out all over the nation as millions gather in open air in the capital and leading cities. A day later, President Erika Alldarkjib declares her decision as "final but not certain" and "withdrawn (tarik balik)."

President Rose Erica Alldarkjib (and her very cross dressing, skirt wearing and $100 million consultants besotted Pesident husband), Mark Kerissuckerburger and Eduardo Tim Rice flee to Dubai Shopping Mall screaming like an Arnold Schwareznegger Virus - Hasta La Vista, baby! We'll be back! 

Once in a long while, a rose just stinks to high heaven and becomes a huge unvoted for thorny problem to the nation!

donplaypuks® with the Internet and democracy, man!

20,000 LEAGUES FOR THE DAMN OSCARS!

by chichakman pontianak spielsramliburger, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for d movies and d arts affairs

(CLICK ON PICS FOR ENLARGED VIEW)

The year is only six months gone. Yet the amount of material that has surfaced for books and movies has reached a phenomenal all-time world record high in 1Nation, 3 Systerns (systems + cisterns) Bolihland.

Here’s a slection of 5 stories that could easily be vieing for the little known DAMN (donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) organization which was set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers with an annual award of DAMN Oscars.

To recap on the DAMN Oscars, click click here

“The formal ceremony at which the 2011 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the open-air Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood and Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscars, Hammy (best ham actor), Emmy, Grammy (best grandmother story), Bafta, Tony (Tony Roma, best Steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad- ass racist journo) and the like.”

1. 20,000 LEAGUES ABOVE THE OCEAN 

A totally fictitious account of the world’s first $4 billion ($2.5b+30% ali baba+$540m+ 270m+$1.2b miss-iles+$1b rounding up) sampan class scorepenis submarine (retractable protoscoped periscope with DNA ID function and manufactured reports optional). It never sinks, but is nevertheless fully operational, armed with $1.2 million each guided exocet missiles to patrol our coasts to stop illegal Indon immigration and “wolves in the woods” from subverting national security!!

2. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS THE OCEAN WITHOUT ENGINES, WINGS AND PLANES

A totally fictional fairytale cartoon account of $50 million jet engines that can fly without a plane, and $200 million planes that can fly without engines and wings. Certified valid and ratified at Uruguay Round Talks on (extinct) GATT.  

Attorney General Ganesh Patel charges a 3^rd class Indian airforce private and a private sector entrepreneur kachang puteh (peanut) seller with theft and treason.

The services of 15 Airforce generals and top brass are terminated at the same time without compensation, which AG Ganesh Patel clarifies is a totally isolated and unrelated incident.

 3. 20,000 LEAGUES ACROSS AFGHAN MOUNTAINS, VALLEYS & PLAINS

A totally fictitious noir story of a $ 8 billion ($5b+30% ali baba+10% service charge+5%+$1b rounding up) contract awarded to a car AP (Approved Permit) pedlar for designing, manufacturing, testing and commissioning (+30%+10%+5%) state-of-theatre light armoured tanks for UN (UMNO New) sponsored Afgham monitoring (war games) missions.

$77 million paid spokesmen for Defence Minister Al Kayder Zawahri, reveal to a startled nation that there’s absolutely no rumour to the truth that defence forces had been infiltrated or national security compromised, by Al Qaeda terrorist spies.

4. 20,000 LEAGUES OVER KEPO SAYANG CRACKO CROOKED BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

Based on a childrens’ nursery rhyme, this cartoon fable is about a once crooked apanama acerbic great pharoah who walked a crooked mile. He found himself in a crooked dilemma and so gave a non-tendered/direct nego contract to a croney to build a $3 billion crooked bridge. The project was subsequently aborted with compensation of $700 million paid to the croney. Then they spent it all and so demanded as of birthright Version 2.0 of an even more crooked bridge at twice the crooked cost+30%+5%+10% excluding state royalty or $5 billion with VO's, whichever is the greater.

great pharoah dismisses criticisms that it's a thinly disguised monomaniacal attempt to reclaim lost land, lost waters and lost sand as a sovereign right and start World War 3 at any cost (+10%+1/3x60%+GST+full compensation rights for suspended works and War Tribunal Costs). 

“How could that be?” protesteths great pharoah, "Think carefully now. My ancestors are from Kerala, India. We believe in prosper thy neighbour (to bankruptcy) policies!”  

5. 20,000 LEAGUES THROUGH SIVER STATE FOR CASINO ROYALE

A betting man's heart wrenching, endlessly twisting made-for-Escot Satellite TV thriller fiction movie about the 20-year journey of a Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten Tycoon, Vincy Baby, who travels 20,000 leagues all over Ipoh and Perak and finally secures a free licence to print money for his Successful Group of public listed companies(SG Plc).
 
The government of the Rosemajibs, comprising below King & Queen status 1^st lady de facto PM who wears the pants and her husband, approve in writing but not award, a state-of-the-art money printing machine licence in the form of a Letter of Intent (LOI) to SG Plc. The award is “certain but still under con-sideration”. The Korpo Rat Kepten, as a sign of corpulent social responsibility (CSR) pledges to “donate” $575 million (to himself) for worthy causes, to be disbursed by one Deepackemin Rosemah and her mustachioed husband, Mumtaz Taj Mahal Jahat!

Initial costings were brilliantly budgeted at $zero. But soon an ali baba roti chanai cum “global” rice trader, Said Ideal, “buys” 30% into the project planned to be housed in in a $400 million palatial building dubbed ‘Casino Royale.’ $400 milion +30%+30%+ road and flyover works to Monaco soars to over $800 million excluding pure gold for taps and faucets, cheap furniture from NY, London and Paris, Italan marble and World Class (WC) works of art!

Then the Rosemajibs reveal a surprise Govt audit had exposed  shockingly fraudulent accounting by SG plc and Said Ideal. The SC (Secured Crooks) invites several financial reporters and their lawyers for cold tea, cold turkey sandwiches and cold unbuttered and strawberried scones.

The Casino Royale LOI is duly "withdrawn under con-sideration??!!" SG Plc’s Kroney Korpo Rat Kepten and Said Ideal are last seen wandering around Pudu Jail and the banks of Bamboo River and Iron River!! 

The half completed Casino Royale palatial building is re-designated a UN (UMNO New) sanctioned cultural centre with a con-pletion budget of an additional measly $2 billion with unforeseeable VO add-ons. 

The movie ends with the memorable lines,"Frankly my dear, I don't give a DAMN, Oscars or not. After all it's not a karaoke joint or fuckshop for a Chinese contractor is it??!! We deserve World Class (WC) Arab-domed ones, don't we?" from the perennially foot-in-mouth disease suffering Minister for The Arts, Culture, Media and Law, Tim Rice Anak Yatim Nazi!!

Do write in with your own movie suggestions for the 2011 DAMN Oscars!

donplaypuks® with our movies, man!

2010 DAMN OSCAR Nominations - (part 1)

by chichakman pontianak, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for movies affairs

The little known DAMN (Donplaypuks® Academy of Movie News) was set up in 2009 to recognize excellence of professionals in the local film industry, including directors, actors, actresses and writers with an annual award of DAMN Oscars.

The formal ceremony at which 2010 DAMN Oscars awards will be presented shall be held at the Gong Badak World Class Stadium in KT and televised globally. It is expected to be one of the most prominent award ceremonies in the world, attracting film stars, producers and glitterati from Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Honkytonkywood, overshadowing other international award ceremonies such as the Hollywood Oscars, Hammy (best ham actor), Emmy, Grammy (best grandmother), Bafta, Tony (Tony Roma, best Steaks), Cannes (best tin cans), Bata (best school shoes), Buntutsan Awards (best bad ass racist journo) and the like.

Here are the first of 5 nominations for best local motion picture award for the 2010 DAMN Oscars:

Very Nice Taxi Driver

This is a magnificent noir fantasy about the daily struggles of Bangla Nepalindon, the only known citizen who also legally owns and drives his own taxi. He refuses to employ illegal immigrants or farm out his cab to part-time locals to supplement his income. Bangla NI daily astounds his passengers by switching on the lawfully calibrated taxi meter and charging them EXACTLY according to it, taking the shortest routes, dropping them off at their exact destinations or the nearest taxi stand, switching on the car radio only at customers’ request, issuing tax valid receipts and bidding them farewell with a hearty “shukria” and smile after dropping them off!! His clean taxi puts to shame the city’s 20,000 dirty public cabs which are said to be worse than public toilets and whose licences have been cornered by a Minister who denies it when questioned in Parliament.

Then one fine day, while plying the back lanes of Butterworth, Bangla NI stumbles across Shanghai Rose Chan, a PRC English Language student registered at Everise Best Emperor Shih Huang Ti English College of Excellence. Rose is harassed by a group of ne’er do well maintenance workers from the bankrupt local Penang Ferry Service Corporation. Bangla NI, a morally upright citizen to a fault is enraged and kills all the ferry workers in a massive shootout. He falls in love with Rose in the backseat of his taxicab on the way to his 1 room bedsitter where he sequesters her for her own safety lest she be arrested by the authorities and incarcerated under the ISA or deported, which would be a fate worse than death. There, he is thunderstruck and dumbfounded to discover that Rose is not exactly a Chinese student of English even though her oral skills are outstanding for one so young and innocent. She is a China Doll. They live happily ever after.

Director Mokhzani Mikhail Shoemaker

Karamjit Yoong as the daring Mohican coiffured very nice taxi driver Bangla Nepalindon

Arianna Softkaurass as the worldly wise but pure hearted Shanghai Rose Chan

Nazir Aziz as fesity Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Toilets Inspections

Filmed in full sensurroundtaxiscope in F1 Sepang Studios

Theme Song “You Thalkins To Me Mandalin?” nominated for best movie song. Song and lyrics by Pua Chew Kang Fu
Viewer Rating Banned. Insults the last of the Mohicans

The Curious Case of Many Good Men

At a Royal Commission of Inquiry, a mousy, vindictive, rebuffed, confirmed spinster lesbian secretary, Saucy Chili Padi Sita, falsely accuses her lawyer employer Ghandhi Mandela Lingam of subverting the true course of justice by bribing a Chief Justice and 11 other Judges of the Federal Court. Doctored airline tickets, fake cheque book stubs, touched up photographs of the CJ and Justices holidaying at the Auckland Zoo and in chalets and nightclubs in Geneva are tendered at the RCI and posted scurrilously on the internet.

Watch the courtroom drama unfold as Ghandhi Mandela Lingam corretcly, corretcly, corretcly, aided and abetted by lone courageous Attorney General Ganesh Patel, battles inhuman odds to clear his name and that of the many good men, the justices. In a climactic courtroom scene the verdict is received in an atmosphere of stunned silence, disbelief and awe as Ghandhi Mandela Lingam thunders “You can’t handle the truth! We didn't do anything wrong. We not only have some of the finest lawyers in this country, we also have some judges money alone cannot buy - the BEST kind!!” The justices are reborn and rejuvenated as they once again go about their duties with Einstein child like curiosity and wonder!

Director ZZZ Sleeping PM Productions CEO Rip Van Winkle

Mokhtar Talib as the noble role model lawyer Ghandhi Mandela Lingam

Francis Udaykumar as the heroic defence attorney who accidentally leaves his thinking head in the klang river after a visit to a local police station

Eusoffee Charley Chin as the embattled and wrongly accused bungalow hunting No.1 ex-CJ

Ganesh Patel as himself, the Attorney General

Moses Black as Chief Police Commissioner Gordon, sole owner of the batsignal

searchlight

Zul Nordegren as the Bar Council who fight tigrishly for compensation and conversion

Augusta Caesar Paul as Judge Dread and nominated for best supporting actor for her scintillating performance as an irrelevant judge who is also DEAD as she oversees the expunged trial!

Kavitha Hardkaurass as the stylo mylo vindictive confirmed lesbian spinster secretary, Saucy Chili Padi Sita

Mas Steward as the video cd expert Leo Goburnem

Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Courtroom Toilet Inspections

Filmed in full sensurround legalnobriefsscope in Kangaroo Studios in Putrajaya

Theme Song “Old lawyers do not die, they just keep losing their briefs. Zaki & Ptnrs, Llb.

Viewer Rating Banned. Insults Royalty. Seditious

A Streetcar Named Desireroton

Local car co Desireroton Motors faces Chapter 11 closure of its monopoly business. Desireroton Motors Founder and CEO, Mahaleela Kutty Firaun Arif then plays his brilliant ace in the hole, the AP (Approved Permit) card to thwart stiff Japanese, German, American and Italian attempts to re-colonize the local motor industry and the nation.

But despite strict closed open negotiated tender procedures all the AP’s (sold at $40,000 per whack) are colonized by 4 local Auto Czars due to a slight oversight by the Ministry of Transport which scurrilously shifts blame to a totally innocent Minister. Watch tears the size of crocodiles overflow as the embattled Minister is eventually sacked and then demonstrates the tenacity of a Virgin Iron Lady to clear her name in this moving human interest story of a world kelisa conspiracy, big biz and sex discrimination of second among equals!!

Director feisty Maha Firaun

Wigs S.Velu nominated for best supporting actor as the feisty, daring Mohican coiffured desireroton car thief, Kugan

Maharaja Leela as the feisty Mahaleela Kutty Firaun Arif, CEO of Desireroton

Ka Rapidahsudahlah as the feisty Virgin Iron Maiden Minister out to clear her name

Bang Rapidahadalah as the 4 feisty Auto Czars

Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Toll Highways Toilet Inspections

Filmed in full feisty sensurround myvivisioncopyomotorscope Prothon City Studios

Feisty Theme Song “I Love Driving In My Car, It’s Not Quite a Jaguar” by Feisty Madness

Viewer Rating Banned. Insults feisty crocodiles.

Slumdog Ali Baba Billionaire – a rags to riches feelgood story

Zack Matsalleh Derose, an 18 year old Form Two school dropout guard from the wrong side of the railway gates of Batang Berjuntai is offered a contract he can’t refuse – the $15 billion Rawang Berjuntai-Blackwood Hills-New Precious Stones North-South Double Tricking Railway project.

Zack, a master of the little known art of paradigm shafting first perfected in Kubang Pasu district, successfully secures a win-win joint venture partnership with foreign railway construction and maintenance experts, Ah Chong, Muthu, Madhoff Cons & Experts. Zack manages to convince the powers-that-be to increase the initial contract cost to $40 billion with a 999 year maintenance and procurement concession with pass on cost and foreign exchange increases factored in.

Zack then goes on to formulate the globally franchised and highly successful TV show “How To Be a Billionaire Fraudtrepreneur Without Really Trying”, marries his childhood sweetheart Lathicharge, builds a $50 million mansion and becomes Prime Minister......

Director critically acclaimed Yasmin Robert Boil. Nominated for best director

Sad Halim as the young penniless Zack

Diam Diam Uddin as the old billionaire Zack

Zack Matsalleh Derose as the dead Zack

Siti Hazelnur as Lathicharge, the 1^st among equal wives of Zack the douchebag

Ah Chong as himself

Muthu as himself

Ben Banacake Greenscam as Bernie Madhoff

Nazir Aziz as feisty Hail John Flush, Minister of Taxi Licences & Railway Toilet Inspections

Filmed in full sensurround rotflatwttb rollingstockscope in Taj Mansion Studios, Port Kelang

Theme Song “Jai Ho! Why waiting being millionaire when you can being billionaire, hai?” Song and lyrics by AR Rahman

Viewer Rating Banned. Insults dogs. Can’t be, not here, can it?

Sequel Planned “Slumdog Credit Default Swap (CDS) Toxic Sub-Prime Mortgage Trillionaire.”

Missing Witness – a real two-in-one whodunit

12 Suckschoi Jetplanes costing $5 billion, blown up in mid air by C4 Plastic Explosives, crash into a $1.7 billion Scorpenis Submarines docked off Pulau Mongol, killing its sole occupant, pilot Aminah Baginda Genghiz Khan and destroying completely all the nation’s air force and naval defence equipment. The nation’s top dicktective, PI Bail Bond James Bala is commissioned (no not a commission) to investigate two of the supposedly destroyed Suckschoi jet’s engines turning up in Argentina, then Uruguay and NOT in Iran.

PI Bala BBJ’s sleuthing gets him sniffing on the tracks of the suave and well-connected Havoxbridge don and R&B jazz enthusiast, Dr. Razak Boustard, PhD, an international dealer in peashooters and therefore recruited for $500 million by the nation as a defence procurement expert. PI Bala BBJ mysteriously vanishes while hot on the heels of shadowy and dangerous international arms dealers and perusing Digi telephone records for 2 years, This is an action packed thrill a minute whodunit with steamy orgies, no holes barred sex and Statutory Declarations in Paris, New York, London, Cockfosters, Moscock, Tokyo, Trivandrum, Madrid, Ulan Bator and Kampong Tamankennydutatundamanshirehills in Kuala Lumpur as details of blackmail and a sex triangle possibly leading all the way to the doors of the de-facto highest office in the land and that of her husband emerge.

NEP NEW DEAL GOES HOLLYWOOD!

OR 'Lord of The 3 Krisis' - Nation's Entry For The Oscars !!

by Tim Rice Kandar Frankie Roosevelt, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for Arty Affairs





Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Culture, Movie & Art and Lion Fights at the Roma Coliseum, Sir Phil I.Stine Anak Yatim Piatu Edgar Rice Burro, said Saturday, that made-by-locals movie ‘The Lord of The 3-Krisis’ Trilogy would be the nation’s first-ever entry for the Oscars.

‘I cannot give away too much at this stage, but all will be revealed at the Premiere which will be held at the newly renovated Lion Fights Roma Coliseum Auditorium. Anybody who is somebody and all the Tai Tai’s you see every month in ‘Tai Tai Tatters Magazine’ will be there. It is an all local-stars cast, Produced, Directed and Shot by our very own Ms Labax Ning Two Bazookas, who has moved away from reprising her acting and singing roles to movie making,’ said the Master.

‘But I can give you a hint of what’s to come, so here goes!!’

THE HOLY MANTRA

Three Krisis for the GongsiRayaDeepa Leaders under the sky,
Nine for the Sultans of Swing in Dire Straits in their Palaces of Gold,
Thirteen for the Mortal Chief Jedi Dictators doomed to die from Billionaire’s Disease,
One for the Dark Lord of Dilemma in his Dark ElectronNeutronProton Turbo-Charged AP 1.5 litrel Model Car, on his Dark Twin Towers Throne,
In the Land of the GoldenChersoneseSuvarnadvipaGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft.
One Krisis stage-managed riot to rule them all, One Kurrency Krisis inspired by malaysiasoros@.con Zionists to bankrupt them,
One Krisis to arrest EXPUNGED sex offenders under the OSIBISA (Official Secrets, Intelligence, Banking and Internal Security Act) and in the darkness to bind and assault them,
In the Land of the GoldenSuvarnadvipaGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft.

STORY SYNOPSIS

To the soft background music of ‘My Way The Only Way’ sung acapella by ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Rama Maha Darthvader Firaun 1 or Pak Che LansungTak Bajet or Tak Bajet for short.

‘Hush, children, gather close around me, for I will narrate to you, ye tales and adventures in days of old when knights were bold and maidens fair; stories of old, lost in the mists of time and the Great Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze.’

‘The legend begins in Gunung Twin Towers, in the city which in ancient times was known as ‘Jauhar’ meaning ‘Precious Stones’ in Arabic. The Sifir of Gunung TT-Aditya Iyer- empowers his most trusted disciple, Sith Param Sikandar Alex Shan, master mole and Special Rappoteur for the A’Formosa , with the secrets of the 3-Krisis. Sith Rappoteur, on his death-bed, passes on the secrets of the 3-Krisis to his elite and most trusted martial art specialists,Tuah Kiu & Lee Kiu of the Hang dynasty from China (kungfu), Kasturi Muthu from Kerala, India (karate)and Lekir from Palembang, Sumatra (silat). Rappoteur does not reveal the source of the 3-Krisis to Tuah, the Team A Leader, and his men, but is sworn to secrecy to guard the secrets of the 3-Krisis to be held in trust (Amanah) for the good and benefit of the people.

Unbeknownst to them, there was a 4th Krisis, The Dark Eye of Sapusemuamoron, snafu’d by the traitrous Team B leader, Javerybbad The Hut from Pizzazi Land. An epic struggle ensues in the mountains, and Javerybbad emerges victor and manages to pass on only the 3-Krisis to his evil son Nasi Gottum. The loss of the Krisis results in no dividends for the common people who become disunited and eventually fall to foreign colonization for 450 years.

Long, long after, after the GoldenChersoneseSuvarnadvipGreaterCo-ProsperitySphere (hereafter referred to hereunder and everywhere else that follows as GCSGCPS) where the Peat Fire and Sumatran Haze waft, had been forgotten and independence from the Dark dirty white colonialists gained, there arose in this land, circa 1980, Gandhalfbreed ‘The Look East But Export West’ Magician, who was half from the land of Kama & Sutra, and half from the GCSKCPS.

Gandhalfbreed, who had in the time before land, been in a great Dilemma, now seeks to retrieve the magical 3-Krisis, swords that had mystical powers, as ‘whosoever shall possess them shall rule the Three Worlds and Kingdoms of DutaTunkennyDamanshire Hills’ – the grand Shires. The Three Krisis, encrusted with mystical crystals and jewels of all kinds, drawing their power from the sun and cosmic energy of the Universe, were:-

Krisis 2020 - 30% carrot Diamond
Krisis Jade Gate Clouds & Rains - pure green Jade
Krisis Rajadhiraja Chola 999 - Black-Gold Lingam

After the terrible malaysiasoros@.con Zionist inspired Kurrency Krisis, the Krisis 2020-carrot 30% Diamond and Krisis Rajadhiraja Chola 999 Black -Gold Lingam were operating at less than 30% and 10% power respectively, while the Krisis Jade Gate Clouds & Rains had somehow managed to increase its power by dreawing energy from the Black Hole of Calcutta and Krakatoa.

Gandhalfbreed, using his special powers of paradigm shafting, then instructed his most trusted confidante & emissary Chief Beg Sheikh-a-leg Ali Babaji, to organize the ThunThunSirSirLatokLatokLatinLatinRet.Gen/BG/KSU/Benevolent Jedi Dictators, to form the very well-received (by the Krisis 2020 members) heads I win-win tails you lose-lose partnerships with the Sacred Members of Jade Gate Clouds & Rains, while ignoring the needs of the people of Chola, the KamaSutrans, now operating at 1% power.

KamaSutrans comprised many ancient tribes from the land of the Indus River:-

Doot Land

Land of the world’s greatest singhers, hoockey players, back-door woodpeckersmen, exporters of bangali kondai and the branch of mathematics and business module called ‘Belakang Kira Woi’.

SothiVandi Land

Land of the world’s best Thunderbreads and Coconut Sothi.

Dravid Koresh Land

Land of the first settlers in the Indus Valley many of whom later became IT specialists and emigrated to Wisconsin, Arizona.

Muthu,Maniam, Manikam & Lingam Land

Or the Land of Machan and Annai - dark-skinned people famed for
their Computer Software skills, Call Centres, ‘Big Kambus’ and shaking of heads while talking.

See them and a Snake, Kill them first Land

Malayalam Land where Gandhalfbreed’s father and his ancestors came from.

Mamak Land

Land of the Indian Muslims known universally as Mamaks or Tuluks, famous for their Roti Chanai,Dalcha, Teh tarik and instant diarrheoa Curry Tambah, and Secondary Central HAVALLA Banking System. And many others.

Many young KamaSutrans, greatly disappointed at being marginalized and polarized by GCSGCPS’s education and employment policies, who after 25 years under Gandhalfbreed’s rule, could only converse and write in Manglish, began to carry Rulers and wear Dark Polaroid Shades and came under the influence of the Dark Lord, Lord Saturaman Busukaraman, and began calling themselves Saturaman Shmarman (SS).

They moved to the ancient Dark Kingdom of Killan or Kelang, near Port Swettenham, originally founded by Lord Killeny Fitzpatrick of Ireland, whose son is now the leader of that legendary rock group, Indian Rangoli Attam (IRA).

KamaSutrans, forced to scratch for a living, became Bouncers at nightclubs and places of ill-repute, Loan, Debt and Repo Collectors, and worse, Hit Men, ‘Hollywood-type Soprano Singers’ who would snuff out a human life for the next 50 cents and leave their infamous calling card on your doorstep – a bleeding goat’s head. They had become very disenfranchised and refused to eat or drink at McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, etc.

Dissatisfaction with the leadership was also endemic among CHARSIU (Chinese Heavenly Association for Race, Sense, Intelligence and Unity) members who knew well the old Chinese maxim, ‘dead fish lot in the head flirst’.

Suddenly, the nation has a new Premier, seemingly a voice of moderation in a world of suicide bombers (unwittingly referred to as Suicide Protestors by the fundamentalist press) and the battle begins for transparency, accountability and an equitable share of the nasi kandar.

The Premier is secretly supported by young, shadowy Hairy Plotter the Silly (Son-In-Law, Lawyerburok and Yuppy) the nation's richest permanently unemployed billionaire-Havoxbridge grad, and his young and brylcreamed Yuppy Puppy Knights of the Nasi Lemak Wooden Table who all had triple degrees and had learnt their bag of tricks from the awfleh good HavOxBridge School of Oriental & White Magic.

Total chaos ensues when the imprisoned old knight, Sir Abim Obama, who graduated from the MC Hammer College of High Energy Dancing, wins his appeal against charges of copyright infringement of 'Sodo Mee' brand instant noodles, and is released from prison. Sir Abim rides out from the Kingdom of Pantang Red Bean & Kaya Pauh (certified kosher by HDC - Halal Donedeal Corp) and vows to liberate the nation from the hegemony of the Krisis 2020 Warlords.

Another epic battle takes place. There are many twists and turns and a surprise ending that will shock and shake the old-world order.

There, I am tempted to give away the ending, but, no!! Go, see the movie. Whatever the ending, you will be entertained, you have my grantee. There is something for everyone.’

Starring An All Malaysian Cast With Our Very Own:-

Krisis Krisistofferson in the lead male role of Frodo Bagasi
Krisis Labax Damayanti in the lead feminine role of Queen Sir Galahadriel
Latok Jeans Shams Din as GandHalfbreed The Look East But Export West Magician
Patrice Niamah Twinkle Toes ex-DJ as the cool and swingin 45 RPM Merry Go Around
Joe Hashish Assasin as the gruel Sam Porridgeways Kanjee
Syed Nasir Lemak as Nasi Gottum
Latin Labax Michael Yeoh, star of the hit movie, ‘Squatting Toilet, Flushing Meadows’ as The Elvian Queen Eeoow Win James Bond
Bentong Kali as Saturaman, The Dark Lord (nominated for posthumous Oscar for best supporting actor who is also a dead convicted criminal)
Mano A Mano as the Magnum4D PI Kelang Hitman, Goodtime Blackman
Jalil-ud-Din Hassle-em Omar Sheriff as the Million Dollar Chief Inspector General of the Naz Gul
Rahim Omar Burns, ex-IGPas Seteruon, Dark Eye of the Ring
Latok Rahim Razaleigh Bicycles as As Anotherthorn Among the Roses s/o Alreadygone
Latok Money Jaguarsonas as Master Archer & Olympics 100 metre sprinter Last-o-leg-o-las
Nicolemin Kid-U-Not Yusoff ex-DJ as Naz Gul bit of bird on the side
Faridah American as the token American
Magoo Kojak Jessica Alba as the Jedi who fails to defend Mick Jagger's Bianca
The 3-Krisis as themselves

And many other local stars in various supporting roles, with cameo appearance by our very own Jedi Master Planner of The Realm for Krisis and Higher, Lower and anything in-between Learning, Lord Hussain Alakazam Hashim Alakazoom, affectionately known as Lord Ha Ha, as laughing Main Krisis Waver in the 9/11/451 World Trade Centre Scene - Act 2, Scene I.

Songs & Lyrics by:-

‘My Way Only Way’Acapella by ex-Chief Jedi Master Planner of The Realm, Tak Bajet
Your Way Not My Way’Duet by Labax City Nurhalfaliza & Tak Bajet
‘Both Ways’ by Dee Jay Dev Anand Kapak Singh
'Anyhow Oso Can Way One’ by Dato Peh Yang Ting, affectionately known as PYT or Tai Kor, leader of CHARSIU
‘Bad Hair Day Way’ by Wigneswaran Vetrivadivel s/o Puli Kottai, (affectionately known as ‘Wigs’), leader of Kesatuan Alam Liga India Neopolitik Ganga Arya (KALINGA)
‘Turbanator Way’ by Arnold Schwartzkorpf Kapak Singh
‘I’ll Be Back Way’ by Azizah Ash Burn
‘Make My Day, Punk Way’ by Latin rAPidriflefire, MP for Kuala KIint Timorkayu

The sequel to Lord of The 3 Krisis, entitled the 3-Krisis Lion Pura Pura Go South, scheduled for Xmas 2008 release stars:-

Hermit PCK Singh as Gandhalfbreed, best magician in Lioncity & JB
Woody Goh Harrelson as Barry Pap, the middle-aged Dragon King
Roti Brata Nathan as President Rose-among-the Arathorn
Dirty Harry Lee as Chief Pap DragonTormentor and Terminator, the Old Confused Magician
Zooey Teh Tarik as Mrs Barry Ho Pap, CEO of Tamakshitbitbybitshit Holdings and wife of Barry Pap
Coomar as Princess Lagaylast
Anthony Brylcream Tan as Chairman of Casi,...no, Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis
George Yeoh Wynn as the dicey Joseph Gambanana, CEO of Casi, … no Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis
Michelle Yeoh Wynn as Chief of Security at Casi,....no, Integrated Resorts Holdings, known in short as Casiresortopolis

And many other Lion Cityzens.

The prequel to Lord of the Three Krisisi, entitled the 3-Krisis Bunga Mas Goes North, has not completed recruitment of all key stars, but some names are available:-

Shin What The Hell as The King of Manchester Footbhol Club
Shin up the creek with no oars as the now ousted ex-Mahadarthvader and mole for Tamakshitbitbybitshit Resorts Holdings of Lion City
Anat Ratupthepole as the fast moving young Gollum
Chulalongpopcornsoda Amaized Suravud as Jagung Kampung
Tok Guru Nikolas Aziz as leader of the southern fundamentalist insurgents fighting for the right to return Bunga Mas Land to the Palestinians

And many others to be announced.

donplaypuks® with my new deal man!!